Affair with close friends husband

[Rainbowlove]

It's about choices.

 

Make the choice to end it. Don't crumble if he initiates.

 

You have a choice to stop your behavior. You have choice to do the right thing.

 

If you keep choosing this road you are on, well, you know what's going to happen to everyone involved.

 

Then you'll have zero choices of the outcome. You'll be at the mercy of your H and your so called "friend".

 

Your affair is a choice. You have chosen this path. Choose to feel better about yourself. Choose to love yourself again.

[Bittersweetie]

Wow. So... I've actually have first hand experience with this type of thing.

 

So.... Back when I was kid, about 16, sophomore year, I think it was actually the end of my sophomore year and going into summer. Anway's, My family (Mom, Dad,me, 1 little bro) were really great friends with another family (Mom, dad, 1 boy, 1 girl) The boy was one of my best friends all through my child hood. We played sports together and did all that jazz since we were kids, about 7 or 8. The two families were pretty close. The moms were good friends and the dads were good friends and the kids were all good friends.

 

Perfect little bunch.

 

Well, it all came crashing down.

 

I got home one day, after baseball practice to find a bunch of stuff on the lawn in trashbags.

 

My dads stuff, lol. And I was like, "Hey mom, um..... What's up".

 

She said, "oh well your father has been ****ing his best friends wife for the past year and he's moving out. Today"

 

I called my Best friend of course and he answered and told me that his dad had beat the **** outta my dad at the gym earlier that day, knocked him out cold lol. He said his mom has been crying in their room.

 

My dad was alright, just got his bell rang. My friends dad calmed down to the point were I could actually go over to their house. His mom got really depressed and started taking anti depressants and one night I think she had too much pills and booze and they had to pump her stomach. My mom booted my dad out of the house, my dad went from sleeping in a 5 bedroom house, 2 car garage with a backyard and pool to sleeping in a small 1 bedroom apartment.

 

After the summer, my friends family moved. They left. Picked up and left and moved 800 miles across the country. And just like that. I lost my best friend. Not in a car crash, or terrible disease, or because we had a fallout.

 

But because of two dumb a$$ "adults" who couldn't keep their pants on.

 

As for my Mom and Dad, well she divorced him and got everything and half his *****, lol. And I never have, and never will ever forgive him for what he did.

 

So.... yeah, that pretty much sums up that.

 

Good luck too you.

 

Layla, I'd be interested in your thoughts about Confused post, above.

 

How does his story make you feel?

 

Are you prepared for his experience to become your children's' someday?

[elaine567]

Someyhing that rings very true is that we both have the capacity to desregard feelings of those we love yes we do. He does for sure. I know it needs to be ended and have just said im not ready to yet but I do know

 

I have not read all of your posts, but have you ever been to counselling to find out why you do not really "care" about the thoughts and feelings of those around you.

 

I did read your very first post though and it seems you were in a bad place, your husband did not meet many of your expectations and you were sad and lonely, enter the male "friend" who saw your loneliness and neediness and took advantage of the situation. He became the knight in shining armour and whilst he compartmentalises the A and his marriage and can see this going on for years and years if you are both careful, you are less comfortable with that.

This affair was initially your revenge on a husband that did not step up to the plate, he was fooling around like a child, partying and taking no respnsibility for you or your children and an A felt good, it was justice. But now...

 

Your OM doesn't feel the guilt, I am sure he is not expressing any remorse or doubts on forums.

 

I believe you, being the weaker of the two, are being buoyed up his apparent strength, you justify the relationship, because he is holding you up, without him, you feel you would collapse.

 

So in order for you to hold onto that percieved "strength" you will just about do anything, and that includes lying to your best friend as she pours her heart out to you.

 

But his "strength", his lack of empathy for his wife, his compartmentalising of the A, his lack of commitment to you, his disregard for the feelings of others are not from strength but are from weakness.

Being hurt and alone in your marriage traumatised you, and has driven you to see others in the same way he does. It is a defense strategy. He is not your saviour, he is keeping you weak and isolated, as that suits his purposes.

 

You need to refind yourself, before it is too late and all hell breaks loose.

Do not feel you somehow deserve it.

Get out now while you and your famiiy still have a chance.

[Sub]

Layla, I'd be interested in your thoughts about Confused post, above.

 

How does his story make you feel?

 

Are you prepared for his experience to become your children's' someday?

 

This is a great sentiment, one I completely agree with. But at this point it may be a futile exercise. If people this deep into were at any time able to wrap their heads around such potential consequences, or able to really envision the possibility of it coming to light, they probably wouldn't be in these positions in the first place.

[HereNorThere]

So in your opinion, can you continue to hurt this many people and still consider yourself a good person? Does being a good, moral person matter to you at all? Once this ends, do you think that you'll be able to to explain to your children why you broke up their home?

 

Since you aren't going to confess or stop until everything blows up, you obviously need some outside help. Have you considered seeing a counselor or therapist?

 

BTW - You are gonna get busted. Trust me, you aren't as clever as you think you are. You've taken things soooo far that there's really no way you'll ever make it out if this unscathed. Maybe if you stopped all contact with the other family now, maybe, but you aren't.

[Snaggletooth]

Layla, even if you manage to end this affair, are you and your AP planning to continue steal time from your betrayed spouses lives by imprisoning them with lies and betrayal? Or will you end the abuse by allowing them right to self determination based on truth?

 

The betrayal doesn't end when the affair ends, it ends when the BS finds out and the one thing a betrayed spouse can never reclaim is time. How much will you take? Two years, ten years, twenty years, the remainder of their lives? How much can you carry? If you plan not to tell, you better be sure you can carry it all the way, for to take more years before telling is to steal more time from their life.

Edited January 5, 2015 by Snaggletooth

[dreamingoftigers]

I was wondering if you had been severely abused.

 

Please don't be offended by that.

 

I wa.sn't going to post until I read that.

 

It seems like you want acceptance from thihis family pretty bad.like yoout want to be part of it.

 

But also feel safe without them knowing just how much you crave it. You can go home at the end of the end of the day to your own space.

 

I actually believe that you have feelings of caring and closeness for them.

 

 

 

Just the first part.. I have taken a lot of advice given here but it's been from people who have been through something similar.

 

I'm not proud of this or gloating. I go to another site almost daily to talk to people.. I haven't come here in months because this is how it goes here and it doesn't help anyone.

 

They want to call telling you your evil and stupid 'advice'

 

It's ridiculous.

 

I post elsewhere normally.

 

Sometimes I post here and find someone who really understands.. The deaths I experienced and abuse and all that wrapped up with thr affair .. The whole picture.. I've found a few pretty solid people from here but mostly found judgment

[dreamingoftigers]

This isn't surprising to read either.

 

I didn't love myself until a Few years ago.

 

The bignored part of it is realizing that we have the power to do so. Those that abused us gave us the message that abused us gave us the message that we were lovable

 

So we seek an outside source

I wish all the time we had kept it at that.

Can't go back and the thought of losing him makes me sick. I need to get over it.. I know. I will. I keep thinking one day I'll be ready.

 

I don't initiate for months at a time.. Then will.. But he always comes and I never say no, and I am happy every time I hear from him.

 

I don't love myself at all.

[Appreciate]

How is sex with your AP compared to sex with your H?

[BurnedAndLost]

Layla, even if you manage to end this affair, are you and your AP planning to continue steal time from your betrayed spouses lives by imprisoning them with lies and betrayal? Or will you end the abuse by allowing them right to self determination based on truth?

 

The betrayal doesn't end when the affair ends, it ends when the BS finds out and the one thing a betrayed spouse can never reclaim is time. How much will you take? Two years, ten years, twenty years, the remainder of their lives? How much can you carry? If you plan not to tell, you better be sure you can carry it all the way, for to take more years before telling is to steal more time from their life.

 

I cannot emphasize how true this is. It is grossly unfair to your spouses. All because you are too much of a coward to end things with your AP or husband. Cheating hurts either way. But I am sure most would agree that they would rather their WS leave them so they can rebuild and find someone who loves them. Than to find out too late. It's so, so vile. I don't think cheaters are inherently evil. But you certainly aren't a good person in this moment in time.

Far from it.

[MissBee]

It will eventually fade to a stop and end. That's what I envision happening.

 

How? How do you fade when you're so entwined with his family?

 

As for me, I was not close to his family or entwined with them so in that sense when things came to an end it could be more of a fade versus your situation. Most people cannot get over someone while still being involved in their lives, so I'm just curious about if you are friends with him and his wife and kids how this fade will happen without it seeming strange you've up and disappeared or you think you'll just be friends and no more affair?

 

With us, I wasn't entwined in his fmaily life and NC happened and could happen without awkwardness or suspicion from others, so how do you think it will play out for you? Sorry if you already replied. I'd personally feel even worse in your situation. I can't really fathom it at all actually. I wouldn't have ever crossed the line if he and I ran in the same circle and certainly couldn't be friends with his wife and the rest. I'd be having panick attacks about it probably as if it ever blows up it will REALLY blow up. For me truthfully, the nature of it was that if there even was a dday (there wasn't), it would only be bad for him not me and it wouldn't really affect any other relationships or anything as our lives were not entwined like that.

Edited January 6, 2015 by MissBee

[LaylaSings]

Would like to respond to everyone that had honest thoughts and advice.

I'll try to do that..

Obviously I would never want my kids going through that, finding out and having all these memories tainted.

 

I'm not trying to justify right now but I do think the picture some have in their minds is some exciting lusty sexual affair.

It's not like that. At one point it was heavily about that.. Kind of talk, but even then the most we physically were together was twice a month.. Often much less. And now it's 90 percent looks.

No exaggeration it's looks. We know what we're thinking, no need to go further.

We have both felt incredibly guilty at times, but we definitely tell ourselves what nobody knows doesn't hurt them, I know it's wrong I've never tried to say it wasn't. I'm not scared of judgment on just trying to say people type the same few things over and over as if I haven't told myself all this thousands of times.

 

Then I see him.

 

The only love I could compare to what I feel for him was how I felt for my younger siblings and my children.

Not in a weird way.. I mean the absolute magnitude.

 

I know I can't be with him.

 

In no situation could that ever happen because we have both been apart of the others lives in this huge way.. Daily for 6 years. So what now. I try to move on and get my head above water. My words don't match my actions. I can not make myself do what I know im supposed too.

 

It's an incredibly lonely confusing painful feeling.

 

What I'm doing is wrong, no denying it, but nobody is hurting right now because nobody knows, but I live with it every day and it fuvking hurts.

 

Someone will now say that me hurting is nowhere near what they'll feel when it blows up.. Then someone will say I'm playing the victim, then someone will tell me to confess.

 

Regardless. I do have feelings though it seems otherwise.

[spookysonata]

You need more help than can be found in an online forum...please go get it. Do something. GL.

[frogss29]

LayLaSings, I am a BS from a situation very similar to yours.

You mentioned that no one is getting hurt at the moment.

That isn't true.

Forget about what is right/wrong.

Just realise that both marriages are not really 'working' as well as they should.

 

This is really weird, but I do understand how you feel.

When two families are very close, it is easy to blur the lines.

Problem is once they are blurred, there is no going back.

 

The affair between my husband and my ex best friend blew both families apart.

Our adult children had a tough time trying to find balance.

 

On a positive side, my H and I have worked hard at getting through this and have managed, with counselling and continued communication, to find a way to understand , forgive and heal. Our marriage is stronger and happier than most marriages are. Weird, but true.

But we are very lucky.

 

I know you think you will never be discovered.

Trust me, you will be.

But, I suppose you might feel that the damage has already been done/you both care about each other/enjoy the little you have.

But once everything comes to light, all this will mean nothing.

All you both feel will be forgotten.

 

Problem is, all of this means nothing right now .

It is a train wreck waiting to happen.

[spanz1]

It will eventually fade to a stop and end. That's what I envision happening.

 

have you considered having sex with both of them? you would not have to hide your feelings, and you could really become a part of their lives

[Sub]

Realistically, it's not going to end the way you say you want it to, if at all. You're in the ideal situation to carry it on, and you love a man you're physically close to almost every day. Knowing you "can't be with him" in an open relationship as his GF or eventually his W is besides the point. You have everything you want right now, and you're the last person his W or your H would suspect of doing this. Plus, barring an accidental pregnancy or STD coming your way, the damage is already done. It's not like keeping it going would make it any worse, IMO. Knowing all of this - which I think you do - there's really no incentive for you to end it. You say you know what you're supposed to do. But do you? And not just "I need to end it." What specifically do you feel you need to do? And how realistic is it?

[eye of the storm]

Layla, My ExH left me for my X friend. He took a big hit socially but she took the biggest hit of everyone. Her H threw her out. All the wives in our circle became worried that she might try for their Hs so they started to exclude her. She went from being a popular person with an amazing life able to shop and pamper herself whenever she wanted, to a pariah that is living in a dingy apartment and having to make due. Her kids rarely spend time with her because they choose to live the better life with their dad. And probably they are still upset that she blew up their lives to sleep around. I had to learn how to get along with my ExH because of our kids...but I will never forgive her.

 

This is your future if you don't pull back and get out ASAP.

 

You say you don't initiate the encounters with your MM. Then tell him to stop. Tell him this has to end and it ends now. Tell him if he contacts you again for EA or PA items, you will tell your H and his W. Its called the nuclear option. And while you may not have to actually do it, you must be prepared to. It is your only way right now unless you can figure out how to NC.

 

I hope you are able to get out of this without destroying both families.

[goodyblue]

@eye of the storm: I think this is a likely scenario, even tho it didn't happen that way for me, I have seen it occur.

 

But I feel people make mistakes, sometimes epic ones, and people eventually move on. I think the ones who had the hardest time were my guy's kids, but even they are okay with things now, realizing how much happier their father is. They spend very little time with their mother these days. Other than that there has been very little fallout and in fact we are accepted and socially there is not a problem.

 

I am not saying affairs are ok, it is something I am not proud of, but there are lots of scenarios, this could play out in a number of ways. I do think men are more likely to divorce when a spouse cheats, so she has a higher risk of divorce, so there's that. But it kind of seems like she doesn't see him that often for sexual reasons, it shouldn't be that difficult to end it. I could be wrong.

 

I struggle with the fact that they are all friends. I would hate being betrayed by my close friend probably more than my husband. Tho any betrayal is awful.

 

Anyway, I have veered off topic... I just think she should end it and work on her marriage, if that it's an option.

[eye of the storm]

GoodyBlue, in our situation, I think the fallout for her was so bad was because she was one of my best friends. Most of the wives in the group felt if she could to that to me, their Hs could be next.

 

Every situation is in some way unique. But the majority of people who have affairs with their friend's partner usually come out way worse than people who have affairs with a stranger's partner. There is double the betrayal.

 

I just hope she is able to get out of this with no fall out. Not for her. But for the BSs involved in this.

[georgia girl]

In my opinion only, I think you struggle with ending it, Layla, because you can't really "feel" what the fallout would be like. So, the tradeoff isn't really in balance. On one hand, you have this situation (while not ideal) where you get the man you love and your friend and if no one finds out, you're satisfied. On the other hand, there's this vague emotion tied to everyone finding out and the fallout. You understand people will be hurt and that you will be hurt, but not having experienced it, you can't understand the pain involved. Therefore, the tradeoff seems like just a sacrifice - give up what makes you happy now for avoiding potential hurt in the future.

 

 

However, I happen to agree with everyone else - the fallout that will happen will likely be crushing to you and it WILL happen. It's simply a matter of time.

 

 

Perhaps you really need to explore what it will feel like? Maybe go over to the infidelity boards and read the pain there, not just from the betrayed spouses but from the wayward spouses who lost everything? Also, reading the betrayed spouses' responses when the betrayal was with a friend may be helpful to understand their pain and you can imagine your friend's pain a bit better?

 

 

I do think something has to give here. Unlike others, I don't think you come here to gloat. I think you come here to find someone - anyone - who will tell you this will all be okay. That they've carried on for years and the spouse never knows and everyone stays "happy." I think it frustrates you that you don't get this response and instead, you think the forum isn't helpful. While I can't - and won't - quote you statistics on how unlikely the "nobody gets hurt" scenario is to work out, I think you should consider the preponderance of advice here. If, as I am surmising you hope, that there are some situations where it goes on forever and no one gets hurt, wouldn't you have seen that response here? But you haven't. It's certainly not scientific, but it is evidence that you should consider.

 

 

Layla, I don't see you as a bad person. I see you as a tragically lost person. I also see you as somewhat detached from the risks you are taking. Finally, what I see is that there is some potential here. If you back out now and stay out, there is a chance that this never gets exposed. While to me as a spouse, I would want full disclosure, in your scenario, that is your absolute best resolution. But only you can make it happen. He isn't going to make it happen and doing nothing just invites the inevitable.

 

 

You have to get strong here and choose your entire life, not just this one piece. As I said to another poster, the hardest thing we face in life is giving up something that makes us so happy in the short term because it will make us miserable in the long-term. That is the choice you face and the challenge you have to overcome.

 

 

Best of luck, GG

[the_artist_1970]

I get what you are saying. When I was very deep in my affair, there was a place I would post almost every day too. The difference is I've had a D Day about a year ago (around the same time you started posting here) and it changed my entire outlook on affairs. I can't even lurk on that other forum now because I see that being on places like that helped me justify my affair even more. There are some posters here who can be a bit much, but in general no body likes to be lied to. It's hard to not judge when a person's behavior is based on lies. Only another person who lives a life of lies and deceit will understand and not judge you. That was the hardest pill for me to swallow when I was cheating. I wanted other people to understand, but when it comes to lying and cheating, it's not going to happen. There's nothing to understand when it comes to cheating. I get how it happens. People are selfish or have poor coping skills, but it's not okay in any circumstance.

 

 

BTW, I don't think you are evil, but I do believe you are going to end up destroying your life and family. If you do get to the point that you truly want to end your affair, you'll find out that a lot of us will be your biggest cheerleaders. If another person who actively cheats is considered being solid then I'll pass on being your definition of becoming a solid person. I never want to be a person who supports cheating ever again.

 

This is truly a person who has grown. I could like this 100 times. What a well rounded individual.

[jbrent890]

In my opinion only, I think you struggle with ending it, Layla, because you can't really "feel" what the fallout would be like. So, the tradeoff isn't really in balance. On one hand, you have this situation (while not ideal) where you get the man you love and your friend and if no one finds out, you're satisfied. On the other hand, there's this vague emotion tied to everyone finding out and the fallout. You understand people will be hurt and that you will be hurt, but not having experienced it, you can't understand the pain involved. Therefore, the tradeoff seems like just a sacrifice - give up what makes you happy now for avoiding potential hurt in the future.

 

 

However, I happen to agree with everyone else - the fallout that will happen will likely be crushing to you and it WILL happen. It's simply a matter of time.

 

 

Perhaps you really need to explore what it will feel like? Maybe go over to the infidelity boards and read the pain there, not just from the betrayed spouses but from the wayward spouses who lost everything? Also, reading the betrayed spouses' responses when the betrayal was with a friend may be helpful to understand their pain and you can imagine your friend's pain a bit better?

 

 

I do think something has to give here. Unlike others, I don't think you come here to gloat. I think you come here to find someone - anyone - who will tell you this will all be okay. That they've carried on for years and the spouse never knows and everyone stays "happy." I think it frustrates you that you don't get this response and instead, you think the forum isn't helpful. While I can't - and won't - quote you statistics on how unlikely the "nobody gets hurt" scenario is to work out, I think you should consider the preponderance of advice here. If, as I am surmising you hope, that there are some situations where it goes on forever and no one gets hurt, wouldn't you have seen that response here? But you haven't. It's certainly not scientific, but it is evidence that you should consider.

 

 

Layla, I don't see you as a bad person. I see you as a tragically lost person. I also see you as somewhat detached from the risks you are taking. Finally, what I see is that there is some potential here. If you back out now and stay out, there is a chance that this never gets exposed. While to me as a spouse, I would want full disclosure, in your scenario, that is your absolute best resolution. But only you can make it happen. He isn't going to make it happen and doing nothing just invites the inevitable.

 

 

You have to get strong here and choose your entire life, not just this one piece. As I said to another poster, the hardest thing we face in life is giving up something that makes us so happy in the short term because it will make us miserable in the long-term. That is the choice you face and the challenge you have to overcome.

 

 

Best of luck, GG

 

This is truly the advice you're going to get. Read it, digest it, then read it again.

[Josmatjes]

Think of it this way.... It's like gambling, your on a machine and you hit it good and win some money but instead of cashing out you get cocky and keep going cause your greedy and want more...but before you know it,it's all gone, nothing left.....cash out now before it's too late!!

[HurtOfGlass]

@Layla....I have read your thread about you loving.

 

I just want to ask have you honestly asked yourself this question:

"Would I still have this affair if my husband didn't do what he did?"

 

I think the answer is yes. Why because your husband regularly shows you remorse now. And you have also hurt him (he doesn't know yet) Still you have such resentment towards him. You don't want to give him a chance anymore.

[Friskyone4u]

Folks seven pages of posts . She is not going to end until she gets caught but she is convinced that will not happen. We all know what the probable outcome is here so let her have he fun while it lasts.

She's not listening and doesn t care.

She is betraying two people very close to her , two families and she does not care.

I believe her oroginal question was if it was worse because it was her friends.

It is . She is not interested in trying to be talked out of it.

She has made it clear she has no intention of doing anything but continuing her affair.

Let her be and be here for her she it comes crashing down on her