3yr affair and

[ashjonaaas]

Ive read every blog, every forum, every thread trying to get some insight and comprehension on the type or married man I am having sexual relations with and I just can't seem to pin point it. There is nothing similar to my experience.

 

Here is my story:

 

We met through work years and years ago. There was no sex talk, he's married and I've never been one to go for whats not mine - all professional between us. About a year after I quit that job and moved on, we came in contact again, things got along quite quickly. We met up, chatted for a bit, decided this would only be about sex. I told him that if feelings got involved for him then this would need to stop. I was in a 5yr relationship that i wanted out of, with a guy that never showed me love, a guy that would never have sex with me. I am quite an attractive girl that so many guys want but I have slept with very few guys and I have very strong emotional damage .. this married man came along - we had sex and i left my bad relationship the next day - realized there was better out there and i needed to move on. for me, at that time, it was the best thing that could have happened to me - something that opened up my eyes.

 

Its now been 3yrs, we meet up weekly and have sex. I usually massage him for a bit after, we do small talk, nothing too intense. Over the years I have expressed to him that every time we meet, my feelings for him keep getting stronger and stronger. He kept telling me that if he was keeping me from meeting the right guy for me then this needed to end because it wasn't fair to me and he wasn't willing to do that. He told me that of course he had feelings for me and he cared for me, but it was easier for him because of his circumstances. There is a 13yr difference with us (I have daddy issues and only go for men that are much older than me) and he has told me how it would never work between us because of the age difference, even if he was single.. I am 100% faithful to him over the past 3yrs for his safety and for mine and he knows this. But he is also the only man I am attracted to, I find him insanely sexy and don't even care to have sex with anyone else.

A couple months back I told him my feelings were too strong and I needed a change - maybe a business agreement would help me get rid of the emotions and I could look at it differently. We decided he would give me money every time we met up so I could try and think of it more of an arrangement. I said to him that wouldn't he rather someone with no emotions attached and he said he guessed so but he would feel really good about helping me out. So we started that arrangement, a month later i told him enough with the money, it was too much and i was feeling like a complete prostitute.

I know he may seem like a complete dick, but there is more to the story, it seems is he having a "ill get you back" affair , his wife had an affair a long while back and he found out, the whole neighbourhood knew and he didn't , i think that hurt him the most. Shortly after, we began ... whatever this is. He has told me he's in the marriage for his daughter and daughter only.

There are many times he doesn't reply when I know he is able to. He continues this even after the amount of times I have told him I am falling for him. He isn't this type of dick so I just don't understand why he is keeping this going.

 

My question to you guys is - is it possible he, as a man, can be doing something like this for so long with me without strong feelings being there? We have both agreed that our sex is over the top passionate. He has told me how he didn't even know this amazing sex existed, I'm sure that is why he keeps coming back. But do you guys think there is a slight chance he strongly truly cares about me? How would I bring this up with him? I don't want him to end things, at the same time it keeps me out of trouble, Ive been focusing on just me the last 3yrs for the first time in my entire life, Ive bought a house, gotten a new amazing career, and am in the middle of seeking therapy for my own emotional issues. He's watched me change and mature so much in 3yrs. I don't understand how it could be possible for a man to be having sex with the same girl weekly for 3yrs without having a strong emotional connection with her.

I have asked him for this to go more emotional along with the sex and he says its too risky for both of us and that he doesn't have the right to do that to me because I deserve more than he can give me.

With all the readings I have done about this stuff over the holidays, I still just can't seem to understand. I know I am easy to him but I don't understand how its possible for him to not have strong feelings for me when our sex is so over the top passionate.

 

How long can men do this without being emotionally attached? I just don't get it. Some male insight would be great too.

 

Truly appreciate anyone that takes the time to read my insanely long story and throw in some input.

Thanks in advance

[whatatangledweb]

I think he cares about you but thinks of you more as a FWB . You wanted it to be just about sex and he has stuck with that. He has offered to end it if he is holding you back. He doesn't sound like a dick. He hasn't future faked or lead you to believe it would be more than it is. He isn't more emotionally attached because he doesn't think of you that way.

 

You seem to want more and I'm sorry but I don't see you getting it from him.

[whichwayisup]

Many men are able to be in the moment, separate love, emotions and sex. You do make it easy for him, he knows exactly what to say to you to keep you on your toes and interested in him and he knows you're too weak to walk away, to end it.

 

He cares about you, he may even love you but it's not enough to change anything. This affair will go on because he likes having two women to meet all his needs.

 

When you are sick and tired of being used, sick and tired of watching him leave and go home to live life with his wife and kids, sick of only having him on his terms and time frame, when you hit your rock bottom and see just how damaging your affair is, you'll end it.

 

We met through work years and years ago. There was no sex talk, he's married and I've never been one to go for whats not mine - all professional between us.

 

What happened to that strong woman with high values? You are pimping yourself out to a MM. Going against your own beliefs.

[jezzika]

The daughter...she lives at home? That can be more than enough to keep him from even saying he is emotionally attached. Men will stay in bad marriages for their children. They will stay in really bad marriages for their children. Granted, there are some out there who won't but some are very firm on that and will deny even true love for their children.

 

I just don't see how he can't be emotionally attached to you, though. He has to be in some way or another. He wouldn't keep coming back and he certainly wouldn't have gone for the money arrangement. He would have found someone else for free...or paid for sex he knew would have no strings. I believe he cares but the man's greatest love will be his daughter and he obviously does not want to disrupt her life by leaving his wife and being with you. There's a bit of respect to be given for that. (I know, respect for a cheater...but like I said...a bit.)

 

There could also be a level of power involved...he has a younger woman that he knows is wrapped around his finger. That's a thrill for some men.

 

I know there was mention of you being too weak to walk away. You seem pretty strong to me and you've improved your life since having met him so this affair has been good for you in that aspect.

 

If you're going to continue this, I wouldn't really discuss the emotional side of it much. If he does care and is emotionally attached, at some point it will naturally be shown to you. Talking about it keeps it in his mind and he is able to have control over it...and you. If you let things just occur naturally without the discussions, you might get more of what you want. If you hold back a bit with the emotion, he might miss it and show you more.

 

You don't seem like you want to end this so I'm not even going to suggest it.

[EverySunset]

I can see the attraction... A man risking so much to see you. To hold you and make out passionately, have sex and share closeness afterwards.

 

Daddy issues got you here, and Daddy issues will keep you there unless you decide you want something real with substance, not just the shell of what it feels like.

[gettingstronger]

Escort services thrive because men can indeed separate sex and feelings. This guy has it made, you are less expensive and more easily available than an escort. If it works for you , keep going. If it does not, get out.

[Popsicle]

I think he does feel strongly for you, probably love, but he has resolved to stay married and isn't going to change his mind. Period. Ever. The reasons are irrelevant. Only you can decide how long you want to keep this going knowing there is no future.

[jellybean89]

How is your story any different than the other ones on here?

 

Girl meets older man, starts as sex, girl falls for guy, guys enjoys sex.

 

Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

Not trying to minimize what you are doing, but your situation is not different than others.

 

You want us to tell you if the MM cares for you? Can't- we aren't him. But my guess is he loves the sex (which does not equal love for men) and he knows you are willing to twist your life around to have sex with him. What is there for him to not like about this arrangement?

[ashjonaaas]

How is your story any different than the other ones on here?

 

Girl meets older man, starts as sex, girl falls for guy, guys enjoys sex.

 

Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

Not trying to minimize what you are doing, but your situation is not different than others.

 

You want us to tell you if the MM cares for you? Can't- we aren't him. But my guess is he loves the sex (which does not equal love for men) and he knows you are willing to twist your life around to have sex with him. What is there for him to not like about this arrangement?

 

actually I find it much different. My MM never gives me false hope. My MM doesn't promise me anything.

And no I was not asking for you guys to tell me he cares about me. I was asking if its possible for men to do this for this long without an emotional attachment.

 

I am not saying he doesn't love the arrangement. Of course he does - who wouldn't ? He has a pretty girl that respects herself to a certain extent - respects him beyond belief and would never put him in danger. Of course he isn't going to want to end it - I just wanted to know more of how long men could do this with it being "sex only".

[still_an_Angel]

 

I was asking if its possible for men to do this for this long without an emotional attachment.

 

I am not saying he doesn't love the arrangement. Of course he does - who wouldn't ? He has a pretty girl that respects herself to a certain extent - respects him beyond belief and would never put him in danger. Of course he isn't going to want to end it - I just wanted to know more of how long men could do this with it being "sex only".

 

 

I think over time, feelings do get involved, I don't see how it cannot. You've been with him for years and have gotten to know him more than just a friend. The sexual side of things defines you as his lover, and not just a friend.

 

I still remember the time when feelings started to get stronger between me and my MM, he said he can see "us" easily going through the years and it will only get stronger, we would bond. I sort of let it slide, I thought I still had a grip on things and can easily walk away. Well it hasn't happened yet. I'm still with him, just as he predicted, with a stronger bond.

 

Only you can feel this, and I think you know. Question is how long can you keep up your side of the relationship.

[Satu]

I've never once come accross someone who has made the, "Its just sex," thing work as a long-term arrangement.

 

Never once.

[Mal78]

You give him the security he needs to fulfil a fantasy. He will go as long as *you* allow it. You are his perfect scenario, he has a perfect life and probably has become accustomed to it and comfortable enough to think it will continue forever . If he is found out he has a backup plan, "revenge". "You had an affair on me it's only fair I did the same".

 

If he felt anything for you he would A) end his marriage to be with you or B) let you go to live your life, find love and be the best *you* you can be.

 

He is being selfish and nothing screams he really cares about you outside of your mind blowing sex. Anything else said to you is just keeping you where he wants you. It will have to be *you* to decide how many more years you want to waste. Sure, the sex might be great for another few years but anything can Chang that.

[DKT3]

To be honest, forever if the woman will accept so little from him.

 

For some reason women have a hard time understanding that sex will never equal love for many men. Just sex.

 

I suspect if you started being more demanding you will see a different side, I also suspect you know this so you won't make waves.

[Scarlet2]

Have you ever cut back on the frequency of the sex and if so, how did he react?

[Quiet Storm]

You have to accept that even if he loves you, he doesn't value that love enough to leave his family. It doesn't diminish the connection you have with him, but it's just that his legacy, his children's opinion of him, is more important than his connection with you. This is why it's not smart to get involved with a married guy. Even if you both are in love, it doesn't trump the love and commitment he feels for his family.

[still_an_Angel]

To be honest, forever if the woman will accept so little from him.

 

For some reason women have a hard time understanding that sex will never equal love for many men. Just sex.

 

I suspect if you started being more demanding you will see a different side, I also suspect you know this so you won't make waves.

 

 

 

Agree with the first sentence.

 

 

I wonder though, with the second sentence, if one reads through the threads of 'sexless marriages/relationships' a lot of men equate sex as the expression of love, and being rejected by the W for sex crushes the heart. So for a rejected WS, wouldn't meaningful sex with the AP result to development of feelings? Specially those in LTAs. Let's face it, the sexual chemistry is there to start with, and instead of the WS being intimate with the BS which keeps the marriage bonded, the WS instead bonds with the AP.

[Poppy47]

You accept money?

[ashjonaaas]

Have you ever cut back on the frequency of the sex and if so, how did he react?

 

yep - i was going through a hard time at one point and he messaged. Told him i needed some time and he said no problem and hope it all works out for me. that was it. he didn't push to meet up or anything.

[Midwestmissy]

I'm a bs. I think a mm saying he's not going to leave his w, yet continuing the affair is a big hook to the ow. It tells her he's willing to risk the marriage for sex with her. The actions and the words contradicting are what give the men power frankly. Because he's at home telling his w that he loves her and is 100% committed to the m but is in fact not being a good h and father in his actions. I think the ow and the bs are both sitting around scratching their heads - well he said that, but he's doing this.... It's manipulation for getting their own needs met first.

 

Nothing ended well in our situation, families very divided, children in therapy, $$$ lost, damage that cannot be undone. All for a 6mo pa (I didn't love her! I told her I was never leaving you for her!) committed by 2 married people who are both whining to their spouses to take them back. It's so sad and avoidable.

[anika99]

yep - i was going through a hard time at one point and he messaged. Told him i needed some time and he said no problem and hope it all works out for me. that was it. he didn't push to meet up or anything.

 

 

That really says a lot right there. You were going through a hard time and his response was pretty much "hope it works out for you", as in "your problems are not my problems so get it sorted out and let me know when you can get back to giving me sex"

 

 

You also said in your first post that you usually meet up weekly for sex and then there is some small talk. Most men do not fall in love over sex, not even great sex. Woman will feel an emotional attachment to a man just because she has sex with him and then assume that the man must feel the same way, but many men are perfectly capable of having ongoing sex with someone and never have it turn into love. Sounds cold but maybe men are smarter than woman in this regard because falling in love over great sex sounds like a pretty silly thing to do. I think the man has some concern for you, maybe some feelings of affection, and he probably doesn't wish you any harm, but based on what you have said I don't think he is in love with you.

 

 

This situation really isn't about him though so much as it's about you. You came asking is it possible for a man to have sex with someone for years and not develop feelings. Why is that your only question? Why is that your biggest concern? Even if this man has deep hidden feelings for you it doesn't change the situation which is basically you meeting up with a married man once a week for sex and small talk. Maybe you should start asking yourself some questions about why you think that is good enough? What do you want your future to be? Do you not want someone out in the open who can give you more than weekly sex. Mostly you should ask yourself why you didn't remain true to yourself and your word. You said that at the beginning you told him that if feelings became involved you would end it, but you didn't do that and your still not doing that. You are betraying yourself.