Young adult contemplating moving back closer to home

[Lovely Difficulties]

I'm currently 27 years, and I'll say that when I envisioned my life at 27, this is not where I expected I would be. I was really hoping that I would be married by now or at least in a serious and substantial relationship. Many of my friends are married and having kids. I'm currently living across the country from my family in a young and energetic city. I've been away for a while, as I also went to graduate school out of state.

 

I secured full time employment out here, and I am able to support myself. There is also room for career advancement. I've been in my current position for a year and a half and think I'll be getting promoted in the near future. However, I do feel that I would be able to find full-time employment closer to my family. I originally moved out here to be with my boyfriend, but we ended up breaking up. I've built friendships here and am involved in hobbies, but I don't feel that I have any personal ties here. I will get lonely sometimes and that's when I start to get back in contact with my ex.

 

I was home for Christmas, and it was tough leaving this time. I have more of a support system there, and it's comforting knowing that I am near loved ones. I'm contemplating moving back closer to my family, but I am worried that I'll regret it, or it will be weak of me. I feel that if I had a boyfriend where I'm at, I'd feel like I had more of a reason to stay. A job is important, but it's not everything in life. I'm really ready to just put down some roots and settle down, make somewhere home. I wouldn't move back in with my parents by any means, but support myself and build my adult life out closer to them.

 

I continue to waver on if I should give the city I'm in more time and continue to advance my career, or move back closer to my family. I just feel lonely and unfulfilled in my personal life where I'm at.

 

Advice??

[Gloria25]

Oh gosh,

 

I have several views on this issue - which may be conflicting, so I apologize in advance.

 

For one, IMO, no one should ever relocate for another person - unless you have a job, your own place, etc. - so that in the event it doesn't work out, you didn't uproot yourself and/or destroy your life. But still, I think that when you make a big decision to relocate w/o any promises (i.e. a ring and a wedding date), the person may take you for granted cuz you were willing to give up so much w/o that person making any commitment towards you.

 

To heck with all your friends who are barely out of their 20's and getting married. IMO, they are escaping reality, independence, and responsibility. They are so scared and/or lazy to be on their own. So, they latch on to some guy and default into marriage to save themselves from having to do anything with themselves.

 

I mean, it's scary out there to be on your own. I'm going on 40 - never married, never had kids, never even shacked up with some guy and/or asked/had a guy to give me a dime - and sometimes even I get scared.

 

But, IMO, women who been on their own bring more to the table. They learn how to be responsible, they aren't just "escaping" life. When they decide to marry, its cuz they are "ready". I mean, there was a time women were raised with homemaking skills, so yeah, when they went from their parent's home into marriage, they were ready for it. But, IMO, that's not what's happening now a days. Women jump from their parents home into some guys home (with or without college) and they don't know how to run a home. They can't cook, they can't clean, they don't get how to treat a man.

 

Now, IMO, being closer to family is good cuz I will say that I ran away from my family and even hid from them for several years, but when they moved back to the US, and came to the same state I live in, I will say they were a God send. While I keep/kept busy with work, school, volunteering, etc. It was nice to spend time with them and the kids. I'd cook and do stuff for them and they would for me.

 

If I'm correct, back in the day, families lived closer. It also usually helps when you get married and have kids to be near family. Grandma can help watch the kids and give you guys a break.

 

But, IMO, at the same time, family being too close can stunt your growth. You don't want family holding you back from having your own life and even starting your own family.

 

I was listening to my fav podcaster and she was reading the statistics on how the shift in generations depending on their parents have changed. There was a time that by 30 kids were on their own, married or not. Not now a days. Kids have their parents calling up their boss to negotiate salaries, etc. Kids have their parents coming over to clean their homes, cook, etc. for them....Or worst, kids won't leave their parents homes and/or move back to their parent's homes waay into their 20's - almost 30's.

 

When I first joined the military - as crazy as my family was - I missed them. I went home a lot. I even contemplated getting married. Well, after I got comfortable with being independent, it dwindled away.

 

Maybe you are feeling lonely cuz you moved to be with your bf and now that he's out of the picture, you are having to deal/get used to the solitude - but, you're falling back on family cuz yes, family "is" a support system.

 

I recommend that before you make a rash decision, to give this time. Be comfortable in your own skin and independence. Don't rush to go back home, get married, or just get another bf because you have this temporary moment of solitude.

 

Also, take pride in being an independent woman.

 

Good luck....

[coolheadal]

You'll find someone else, but stay where you are you got a great JOB that sounds like it. Not a lot of work and good jobs today. So your set there. Now the relationship part is bit harder today than prior years. The relationship you had can't change your EX BF mind over you. So you do have departed. Don't try to get him back he has made up his mind and you can't change him. Nor can you change.

 

Move on and in time what you seek will come to you. But for that to happen you have to move in another direction. Got to be positive (happy and healthy) not negative (sad an unhealthy). Also stop living in the past. Live in the NOW! Today is your future. You can make the change as you with you current job with a promotion on it's way.! That's positive! Do the same in your life and find that right guy that loves you and you love him. Get married, and have kids like you want. Right now your just 27 of age, by the time hit 30 you should be where you want to be.

 

But remember this you're never alone really here on LS everyone is there for you. Might not be right there with you, but you know we're here always.

[LuckyLady13]

Sassiechik, what about both?

 

You wonder if moving home would make you feel weak and for me, it totally would and while that's not everyone, you're already wondering about it, it's on your mind so yep, I think so.

 

I understand going home for Christmas gave you those warm fuzzy feelings but you're saying you live in a young and energetic city, you have friends there and so why not go home all the time virtually? We've just welcomed in 2015 now and technology can work to your advantage here.

 

A friend of mine who I met originally in real life lost his job after we got close and bonded. I was so sad. I realized when he had to move to another state, we could do everything in our power to feel like we're still around each other with todays technology. It was bumpy and confusing in the beginning but we've now made it into an artform. I feel like I'm at his house almost every day.

 

I don't see why you couldn't get that support system you crave but stay where you have the job you can advance in and be part of the fam without physically being there. I don't think your situation is so black and white, I'm either here or there.

 

When you're lonely, talk to the family you miss, skip the ex.

 

I'm just not sure moving closer to family sounds right from what you said. You're questioning it yourself because you're not feeling 100% about it.

 

You can be very involved with the people back home without actually being there these days. It might be worth a good, solid try before packing up and moving.

[d0nnivain]

Stay where you are & look for fulfilling work back home. (Put both addresses on your application.)

 

 

If you can secure a good job back home, move. Do not go home without a way to support yourself.

[Lovely Difficulties]

Thank you for all of these great responses. I definitely wouldn't move back closer to my family unless I had something for me there as well. I also wouldn't move back in with my parents but have my own independent adult life. It would just be comforting I think to be a drive away from my parents, as opposed to across the country. Yes, where I'm living is young and energetic, great place for singles. However, I am feeling ready for that next stage in life, seeking a life partner. I think if I found that here, then I would be more inclined to stay and feel like I had more of a tie here. Work, hobbies and fun with friends are all great but not everything in life.

 

I have some great friendships and am involved in some great activities, but still do feel lonely. My ex boyfriend does want to get back together but at this point I don't see how that would even work given we have both built separate lives now.

 

I am going to give it a little longer living in this area and take things as they come. I really just feel ready to plant some roots and settle down.. I will say that living out here I feel like I am growing more than if I were to live back closer to where I grew up.

[Els]

If you can find an equally good job near your family and aren't going to be dependent on them (or live with them), I don't see any downsides. Is there not an equal chance that you would meet a partner there? IMO young/energetic cities are great for young people wanting to party/date, but they don't necessarily have a better chance of finding a life partner.

 

On the other hand, if you feel like where you are is better for your self-improvement than the place you grew up, it may be worth staying.

[Lovely Difficulties]

The thing about the area where I grew up is a lot of people get married young, under the age of 25, so I don't think there would be as many single guys. At the same time, I agree that young/energetic cities are fun to be as a single person but definitely not to settle down in. The culture here doesn't seem all that interested in settling down and having a family but tend to be self focused. Where I grew up, people are quite focused on family and community. When I go home I find that I feel like a strange person being in my late 20s and not partnered. At this age, many people back home are having kids.

 

As of right now I don't have a job lined up near home. If I did, I would definitely pursue it. As I mentioned, I think that I will be getting promoted in my current position in the near future. I am also in the interview process for a higher paying position in the suburbs of the city I am in. Wonder if the prospects would be better there..

 

I know getting married happens when it happens, but I am not getting any younger. By the time I were to meet someone and work towards that I'll be into my 30s. When I was in my early 20s this didn't take as much priority, as what I wanted for me was to travel, living in a city, go to graduate school. However, now I am ready to settle down.

[pink_sugar]

You'll find someone else, but stay where you are you got a great JOB that sounds like it. Not a lot of work and good jobs today. So your set there. Now the relationship part is bit harder today than prior years. The relationship you had can't change your EX BF mind over you. So you do have departed. Don't try to get him back he has made up his mind and you can't change him. Nor can you change.

 

Move on and in time what you seek will come to you. But for that to happen you have to move in another direction. Got to be positive (happy and healthy) not negative (sad an unhealthy). Also stop living in the past. Live in the NOW! Today is your future. You can make the change as you with you current job with a promotion on it's way.! That's positive! Do the same in your life and find that right guy that loves you and you love him. Get married, and have kids like you want. Right now your just 27 of age, by the time hit 30 you should be where you want to be.

 

But remember this you're never alone really here on LS everyone is there for you. Might not be right there with you, but you know we're here always.

 

You should be proud of where you are career-wise. As for the loneliness, how about signing up for some meet-up groups for evenings and weekends to give you an opportunity to meet new people. I am married at 25, but no kids. I would be happier in your position being on my own with a great job. I wouldn't say rush back just yet unless you have another job lined up.

[Els]

The thing about the area where I grew up is a lot of people get married young, under the age of 25, so I don't think there would be as many single guys. At the same time, I agree that young/energetic cities are fun to be as a single person but definitely not to settle down in. The culture here doesn't seem all that interested in settling down and having a family but tend to be self focused. Where I grew up, people are quite focused on family and community. When I go home I find that I feel like a strange person being in my late 20s and not partnered. At this age, many people back home are having kids.

 

As of right now I don't have a job lined up near home. If I did, I would definitely pursue it. As I mentioned, I think that I will be getting promoted in my current position in the near future. I am also in the interview process for a higher paying position in the suburbs of the city I am in. Wonder if the prospects would be better there..

 

I know getting married happens when it happens, but I am not getting any younger. By the time I were to meet someone and work towards that I'll be into my 30s. When I was in my early 20s this didn't take as much priority, as what I wanted for me was to travel, living in a city, go to graduate school. However, now I am ready to settle down.

 

How about a third option - look for jobs in a city near your parents' town?

[preraph]

You're a free agent. Go wherever you want to go. You need to determine your own path for yourself and not wait for someone to lead you on to follow their path or you will never be happy. Be true to yourself and follow your own personal goals and do what's best for you apart from getting a husband, because you can get a husband anywhere you go. I sense you put too much stock in what other people do and don't put as much credence into what you yourself need and want. Be your own master. Don't go rushing into a marriage just because your friends did. If you're a generally unhappy person, marriage isn't going to fix that. It will probably make it worse. Forget what other people are doing. Other people always want everyone to be in their same situation and it's not always for healthy reasons.

[Lovely Difficulties]

So I did start applying for some jobs closer to home about a month ago when I started this thread. Surprisingly, I have started to get some interviews, and now that it might be a reality, that I could get an offer closer to home, I'm starting to get some cold feet. I guess in some ways I don't feel quite ready to give up the life that I have where I'm at quite yet. It feels like I'm just starting to get used to it. And while, I don't have a boyfriend or any type of relationship where I'm living, there is no guarantee that I would necessarily find that closer to my parents either. Where I'm living currently, there is a lot to do for people my age, and it's a great place to be while young. It's not necessarily the best place to settle down in and quite expensive.

 

I also just feel like I worked so hard to get out here, and maybe trying to move back closer to home after a year and a half of being here is too soon. The positions I'm interviewing for are good positions, in my field and in the closest nearby city to my parents. I think it would be a good place to settle down in and a cheaper cost of living, but not as much to do. I guess I just am scared that if I do go back, that I might regret it. I know that my parents would love to have me closer. I know this is something that I need to figure out myself, but any advice?