still in lust with him

[seamaid]

Hi Loveshackers!

 

I'd like your advice on my situation if you please...

 

Eight months ago I met this wholesome guy with some deep-seated insecurity and trust issues (his long-distance estranged gf at the time had cheated on him but they were still "together"-- he was basically her doormat and bf-in-waiting). In fact, because of peculiar circumstances, he had not spoken to her or seen her in a year, but they did keep in regular touch by email and chatting. And before that, they did live together for a year in China. She was his first serious relationship, but he always felt she was using him and underappreciated all that he did for her.

 

Anyway, last summer I became his friend and we began talking everyday on the phone (long-distance) and grew closer and closer until he decided to take a risk and fly over to meet me (and my family). I made him feel genuinely appreciated and hopeful again. Being an artist myself, I fully encouraged his photography aspirations in a way no one ever had. Plus, if I may say so, I'm a pretty special girl-- smarter, more talented, confident, ambitious, less needy, less afraid of trying new things than his gf. We did have instant chemistry and over the five days of his visit, we fell madly and passionately in love. I was totally inexperienced with men, while he of course knew a thing or two. So he taught me a great deal and naturally I associated him with all the wonderful beautiful aspects of sexual intimacy.

 

My family liked him, I adored him, and he left back for his country convinced I was the One, and was a devoted long-distance lover for a few months, even after he left for Japan with his now ex gf to continue his original plan of teaching there for a year. They had made that plan together long before he met me. But he assured me that his feelings for her were different now and that I needn't worry about him being more than friends with her. Because this guy was wholesome and good, I trusted his word for it.

 

And for a while, we remained first in each other's hearts and it was obvious that he cared for me because he would go out of his way to show he was thinking of me. I knew that K., his ex gf, was not taking their separation well, but I thought his strength would be enough to keep her at bay, if not move on. I thought that since she had cheated on him before, she wasn't really that into him anyway, and that she would let go eventually. I was wrong.

 

He was my first love and I flipped myself inside-out to show him that I loved him. I knit a scarf for the first time for him; I made him mind-blowing personal gifts (now I know better than to waste such efforts on undeserving guys). Most of all, I unfailingly trusted him with the pure heart of a child. After five months of phone conversations and emailing, we saw each other again at Christmas at his parents' house in Canada and his family loved me and we again had simply an amazing passionate time together. I thought we were meant to be, because we just felt soo right together. And we did feel right-- I never laughed as much as I did when I was with him and we were very sexually compatible.

 

So after those three days of bliss, he returns to Japan and I return home to the US, thinking things were perfectly fine between us. I knew that there were things about him that I found dissatisfactory, like his penchant for being vague about our "future" and his lesser intellect, but I was sure that when at last we were living near each other, those things would cease to be an issue. We would simply grow together. I blamed any gnawing doubts and dissatisfaction on the long-distance.

 

Little did I know that the reason he had been able to meet me for Christmas in the first place was because his ex had bought him that plane ticket home, which he accepted. He and she were still "friends" but after that act of unexpected generosity he began seeing her differently. She did not seem like the cheating, using girl she once was to him. And he felt guilty for taking advantage of her generosity to be with me, the new girl, who she didn't really know about. He was, you see, lying to her and lying to me at the same time, because he didn't want to "hurt" either one of us. Bullsh*t.

 

Anyway, because he began to see her with a kinder light, she was over at his place more often and one thing led to another, and they were sleeping together. More than a handful of times. I was clueless about this, preparing gifts for him for Valentine's Day, emailing him my thoughts and encouragement as usual, and believing things were going fine between us. He continued to email me and phone me regularly to tell me he was thinking about me.

 

So it came as a total shock and devastation when he called me while I was fixing dinner on a weeknight and confessed that he had been cheating on me. And worse, he told me this with K. his ex-gf right there, feeding him words. She had apparently stumbled onto one of my letters and discovered the "other woman" and forced him to tell me the truth.

 

All I saw was red, and the world fell apart before my very eyes. I couldn't understand. After all that I had given him-- how could he take our special times together so lightly? He had been so tender and so protective-- I thought he truly loved me-- how could he let himself be seduced by his clearly inferior ex? It was beyond comprehension. I thought the guy had integrity but I was wrong. In reality, I should have seen all along how weak he was.

 

That night was one of the worst of my life. And I went to work the next day as a total crying mess. I still had faith in him though. I guess I was in denial. I wanted to continue whatever it was we had had so I somehow convinced myself that it was all a foolish accident and that if I forgave him, he will realize the wrong he had done and reform and come back to me, wiser and more mature. So that night I emailed him and forgave him. He was very grateful and disbelieving at first. Meanwhile, overwrought with the pain and deception he had caused all around him, he told me he had written a 10 page confession, explaining why he did what he did. He sent it to everyone, all his friends and family, and exposed his guilt to all.

 

I took his act as proof that he was well on his way to reforming and becoming the man I deserved to be with, and I was willing to wait years if it meant he was going to return to me. Even if it meant that he had to make amends with his ex first (don't know how I came up with that nonsense!). Yes-- I was totally addicted to him. It was unfathomable to think he and I weren't meant to be.

 

So when he called me that night to talk about everything that had thus transpired, I thought he still had me first in his heart, but for reasons of absolving guilt, he had to do what K., his ex, wanted him to do first, even if it meant cutting off contact with me for a while. I happily agreed, thinking that his long-term plan was to come back to me. During that blissfully peaceful conversation he told me he still wanted to do all those things we had wanted to do before, and how violently he had protected what we had from K. til the very end, how when he was sleeping with her, it was because she had seduced him and that the act was quite mechanical and unemotional, all this crap that made me think he surely cared about me more!

 

Wrong. In actuality, he was a total weakling who still didn't know what he wanted and was letting his needy controlling ex take over the reins of his life because he didn't want the responsibility. How do I know? Scarcely five hours after that conversation between the two of us, K. found out that we talked, didn't like the way things were "agreeable" between her man and me, forced him to call me with her there at my time 4am in the morning (9 pm Japan time) and made him tell me that we were nothing more than friends and that everything we had shared was a "mistake" and that should K. wish it, he would willingly be her slave for the rest of his life. And never ever contact me again. And he felt so free and happy!, he said. He sounded like a f*cking cult member.

 

I even got to talk to her and of course I was so stunned that she totally bested me with her argument that I was just a naive inexperienced kid whose love was simply a fairy-tale. What had dawned on me was that I could be having the last conversation ever with the most important person in my life AND I wasn't even allowed the right of having it alone with him. I held onto the phone and begged him not to go like it was the only thing tethering me to the earth. I don't need to describe just how powerless and demoralized and humiliated I was to be lectured to, basically, by people who were 26, 25 years old to my 24, when it was obvious I was not the cheater, I was not the one who was so needy that I'd trade sex for a loveless sham of a relationship.

 

My god. The audacity. The insult. It was disgusting, and the only thing that was more pathetic than their calling me up as a team to bully me into submission was how I let them do it. (exhale)

 

Anyway, that emotional betrayal was infinitely more unforgivable than the sexual betrayal and I had to deal with the cold truth that my relationship with him had come to an end.

 

I didn't feel like touching food for days afterwards. I went through the whole grief and rage period, of wanting to burn his special childhood keepsakes that he had sent me as a symbol of how he felt about us, of wanting to torture and humiliate him and her and make their future miserable, I cut off my hair and dyed it blood red (never dyed my hair before), and became a shell-shocked zombie whose only pleasure was to vicariously relive Angela Bassett's closet burning scene in Waiting to Exhale over and over again.

 

It's been a more than a week since then and I am doing fine now. I had written him a long email clarifying exactly what I had thought our relationship was about and what it meant to me. My ex and I have talked twice since then; the first time I hung up on him after b*tching him out about how stupid he was to even think about running off to India or Nepal to do community service when he hasn't even the guts to show up at my front door to apologize (not that I'd want to see his face anytime soon). The second time, I was much calmer and had even told him that if this were to be the last time I ever spoke to him, I wouldn't feel bad. I even assured him that I was totally out of his league and that it was his loss. We said good bye amicably, but I wasn't entirely sure if this WAS going to be the last I'd hear from him.

 

I HAVE moved on for the most part and am left with residual feelings of care for him. He is still my first everything and it's hard to imagine not ever being sexually attracted to him should we ever see each other again. He has not called or contacted me for three days now (neither have I) and by and large, it doesn't bug me, but out of habit I keep checking my email and voicemail, only to feel a little disappointed. I guess that's natural.

 

The reason why I'm sharing all of this is because... I feel a bit like a lizard's tail that's been cut off and is still wiggling. I haven't entirely let go of him. If he calls me out of curiosity one of these days, I don't know how I should behave. On the one hand I know that he's totally useless to me and I should treat him like a piece of sh*t on my shoe, because that's what he is; on the other hand, I understand him and enjoy the particular chemistry we've always had together. More than that, though, is that my body misses his. Ugh. And I get a thrill out of thinking that he might pursue me again.

 

So... is it a bad idea to consider the distant possibility of meeting every once in a while when we're both adult enough to handle this coolly and just have great flirting and sex? Or is that the behavior of a doormat? Are patient lovers with great technique easy enough to find? And the next time I ever get a call from him-- should I not answer, or act distant, or act like the person who gets him the most?

 

I'm definitely still very much in lust with him. Help!

[Mr Spock]

Your post is long (but very interesting!!!) so I'm going to respond kind of disjointedly.

 

 

He likes her because she's a bad girl. He's a nice boy that likes bad girls. She is bad in a way that you can't comprehend or compete with. They have history, you two have a couple of weeks and some LD chatting.

 

 

The compulsive urge to check messages fades in time.

 

 

 

You can never hump him again. Ever. NEVER EVER.

 

 

Every time you get sentimental about the sex, think about how you felt like sh*t stuck to the butt hair of a shaggy dog when those two teamed up and sucker punched you on the phone.

 

 

Don't take his calls. Do you really want to settle for something less than he'd give some crazy ass b*tch? Do you want a man that lacks the balls to be honest with you? There is no way you are going to seperate your heart from your vagina with this guy.

 

 

 

Don't make hairstyle decisions while you're in emotional turmoil, either.

 

 

There are 6 billion people on the planet. There will be another.

[tokyo]

Being an artist myself, I fully encouraged his photography aspirations in a way no one ever had. Plus, if I may say so, I'm a pretty special girl-- smarter, more talented, confident, ambitious, less needy, less afraid of trying new things than his gf.

 

I made him mind-blowing personal gifts (now I know better than to waste such efforts on undeserving guys).

 

I knew that there were things about him that I found dissatisfactory, like his penchant for being vague about our "future" and his lesser intellect, but I was sure that when at last we were living near each other, those things would cease to be an issue.

You seem to have a very good opinion of yourself. We should encourage people to take pride in what they do, but you seem to be too convinced of yourself. I don't think that's good when someone is in a relationship and thinks he's so great and deserves this and that. Too many expecatations, you know.

 

And we did feel right-- I never laughed as much as I did when I was with him and we were very sexually compatible.

You got hooked on sex, simple as this - happens.

 

And the next time I ever get a call from him-- should I not answer, or act distant, or act like the person who gets him the most?

He very likely will not call and if he does, hm, play with him, because chances are that you will never have a serious relationship with this guy, no matter what you do. Your story had a lot of drama and pain in it and I doubt that he has the strength to face his guilt and that's usually necessary if you want to forgive someone. He will admit his guilt, but guess what, he will do it again, weak people repeat their mistakes. If there's no true remorse you'll never able to forgive him and your relationship will stumble from the peaceful phase to the next one that is filled with resentment and vice versa. He probably is too weak to ever take responsibility for his actions and you will very likely never forgive him. If you want to be his mom, go ahead, but this relationship is probably not going to develop into something healthy. Mr Spock is right, he's a nice guy with a taste for bad girls.

 

By the way, kudos for your writing style. I think you have the ability to become a good writer. Artists draw their inspiration from the depths of the human soul and if you have never experienced and felt the bad and the good you would not know what you are writing about. I dare to predict that you have enough strength to get over it eventually and move on with your life.

[seamaid]

Thank you both for even reading my long post!!! I hope that it was entertaining to read at least.

 

Mr. Spock-- you're hilarious! But I will take your advice very seriously. I know his body is off-limits, and that with time other loves will erase his memory from my head. I suppose too that since he is my first and only I am still idealizing everything about him. In truth, he always got a lot more from me than he gave and he wasn't physically all that impressive anyway. You're right-- there are better men out there, more mature, more sexy, more skilled, more giving than he was. I even remember wishing he could say something halfway thoughtful or interesting while in bed-- to me there is no better turn-on. But I settled happily for his dumb (if adorable) mannerisms instead.

 

And the new hair is actually a great change! It's still mostly black-- the bangs are red. Everyone says I look very sophisticated now. I've sworn off wearing delicate pretty colors for a while too. The very thought of being vulnerable to romance is a little nauseating right now.

 

Kooky-- thanks for the reality check (about my thinking too highly of myself and creating impossible expectations). I am normally quite humble. It was my mistake to think my ex would do anything to keep me-- he knew his limitations and in the end chose the girl who best fit him. He'd always described himself as a simple average guy and said that I deserved better. I still feel used and mislead, though. And nothing can excuse his cowardly way of handling the whole situation-- it was totally disrespectful of him to do what he did, when he knew how much I had invested into this relationship. Stupid pr*ck. I'm not too far from the mark when I describe myself as the most unique, imaginative, unconventional, creative girl to have ever passed through HIS very unremarkable existence. If I sound obnoxious, I apologize. In my heart, it is just what I feel to be true and therefore, somehow regrettable. And it's what makes the sting of being a dumpee even more mind-boggling. But I'm truly okay now. It's his loss.

 

Oh, and Kooky-- thanks for the praise too. I do like writing, but am not so very good with inventing plot I'm afraid. Non-fiction is probably more my style. Are you an artist as well? The breakup has inspired me to seriously consider sculpting rather than mainly painting as I used to. I love the idea of the tactility of working with stone or marble-- replacing the sensuality of touching skin-- and the idea of loudly banging and chipping away rock to uncover in its purest form the deepest experiences of the human heart and soul. Talk about a stress-reliever!

 

Much gratitude,

seamaid

[tokyo]

Hey seamaid, this guy is utter crap. Calling you at 4 am in the morning (um, I just started my own thread about someone calling me at five in the morning ) with his girlfriend dictating him what to say is so low, that he's not even worth kissing your feet. Wipe your shoes on his back instead. Honestly, I think he's far too weak for you and he would have never managed to keep up with you, you seem to be a lot more optimistic and energetic than he is, with the course of time you might have considered him an obstacle to your plans, so be glad you got rid of him.

 

I've never really felt the drive to become a passionate artist, but I'd love to be able to draw better. I liked making pottery, it was a lot of fun, but my pottery creating never made me think that I should try sculpting. Sculpting is a hundred times more difficult than working with soft clay, a material that is simply more forgiving when correcting mistakes than stone. I can imagine that chipping on a rock while thinking about your ex might be very stress-relieving.

[blackendangel13]

Hi, I just read this story and wanted to throw my two sense in. This guy if definately not worth the time it takes to wipe him off your shoes. IMHO there is nothing wrong with knowing who you are as a person and what you want or deserve from a relationship. As I am sure you have seen, no one deserves to be with someone like that. If we are not aware and do not have strong opinions of how we should be treated that leaves the door open for us to get walked on.

 

To be honest, I think you handled it well and since this was your first sexual relationship it is only natural that you wanted so much to believe he would change and be the man you wanted. It is a common mistake for people in relationships to make, but when sex is involved it is even harder to walk away because your emotions get tied up. Don't answer his calls because there will never be a time where it can be "just sex" with this man. Not when he played you like this. Only resentment and ager will grow from any contact with him, whether it be directed at him or yourself for putting up with his sh*t. There will be others to appreciate what he couldn't.

 

I definately think you should write. I am an artist myself. I write poetry and paint. I am currently writing a short collection of autobiographical short stories of my experiences with my ex and other painful memories along the way. It is a great way to release anger. I definately think you should give sculpting a try too. It seems like it would be a great release for you. Take care and keep your head up!