Lingering insecurities

[Ann253]

I was in a relationship for 3.5 years. As sad as it sounds I didn't realize how bad it was until I was standing in front of the judge asking for a no contact order. He was very controlling. He had a way of making everything that he didn't like seem like my fault. I'm a pretty smart person (or so I thiught), I'm caring and generous, yet he was always able to convince me how I was selfish and didn't care about his feelings. For example, when I stepped up to take my 11 yr old niece in because social services got involved I was being selfish because it would mean less time with him. I stood my ground on that, I just couldn't not help a family member, but then it was always guilt trips whenever I was doing things for her instead of with him.

He did so many other things as well. I feel stupid for not realizing what was going on sooner and getting out of the relationship sooner.

I still feel insecure and stupid. Sometimes things come back to me out of the blue. For instance I was talking with my kids and they had mentioned the time when we got stuck in the airport waiting for them to go see their dad (the flight was delayed 3 hours) and I remembered the horrible fight we had because he didn't believe I was at the airport, and what a horrible gf I was for not being with him. He was convinced I went to the party I had been invited to and was lying about where I was.

And then I feel stupid because he broke up with me and I was upset and got back together with him (why didn't I just let it end then?)

It's been a year and a half since we broke up. I had a no contact order, but he still contacts me. Again I was stupid. The actual break up was horrible, a few months afterwards he contacted me and apologized for his behavior. Stupidly I talked to him knowing who it was (he was using a fake name). We then started talking again, he kept wanting to meet up and see me. I didn't and then I told him I couldn't keep talking to him. I don't want to get back together and talking to him isn't helping me move on.

I haven't talked to or messaged him in about 6 months. But he doesn't give up. He calls and texts me. I block his number. Now I get random text from all sorts of numbers, I know it's him, it's always a new number (I've heard there is an app that lets you do this) I've stopped trying to block the number and just delete the message when it comes in. I get calls from blocked numbers (I have to answer because when the social worker calls they often block their number). When he calls he doesn't say anything. I obviously can't prove that it is him calling/texting, but I know it's him. He doesn't call all the time. He waits days or weeks. It's always right as I'm thinking he has finally stopped, then Ill get anoth call.

I was alone after the BU for a year before I felt ready to date. I'm now seeing a great man, but I have all sorts of insecurities. I missed all sorts of red flags with my ex, so now I over analyze everything. But I don't want to look crazy to the new guy so I keep it in (which is actually part of how I found this site).

So last night I went to hang out with my bf, right as I pulled up to his house I got a txt from my ex. I deleted it and went in. But then I got in my head and couldn't enjoy myself. I was over analyzing everything. Everything I did, egerything he did. I ended up leaving early because I couldn't relax and just didn't understand what was going on in my own head.

So I guess the purpose of this long rambling post is, when do I get better? How do I stop feeling so insecure? I've always had some insecurities, but I use to be more confident. How much time must pass before I feel better? Also, do I talk about this to my new bf? Is it something he should know about, or does it make me look pathetic that I allowed it to happen?

[Satu]

So I guess the purpose of this long rambling post is, when do I get better? How do I stop feeling so insecure? I've always had some insecurities, but I use to be more confident. How much time must pass before I feel better? Also, do I talk about this to my new bf? Is it something he should know about, or does it make me look pathetic that I allowed it to happen?

 

You should tell your bf that you are being stalked. Use that exact word, and no other. Most men would be concerned and understand how horrible it is to be stalked. The police in most places have specially trained staff who can deal with this problem.

 

Then you should talk to the police, even if you don't feel you've got enough evidence to present to the police.

 

Once the stalking stops you'll make steady and solid progress.

 

Start by telling your bf.

[Ann253]

Thank you for your advise. I do worry about contacting the police again though, since I already broke the no contact order once (and it has now expired).

I'll start by talking to my BF. Any suggestions on how to bring the subject up without sounding super pathetic?

[Jewels7]

I would definitely tell your b/f. Also... I think his response will help some or your insecurities. I didn't see so many red flags (or did but refused to see) with my ex as well and I'm super nervous about future dating, relationships, etc. I think if you tell your b/f, you might find out really fast if he is kind, empathetic etc. If he is aware of your ex at all... Just flat out tell him you're concerned and ask for advice. You won't sound pathetic.

 

And yes, there is an app on the computer that gives you another number. My ex did this to me too when I blocked his number. I finally just had to changed number and that took care of that. FB is still my problem though, because even though he is blocked, he makes new accounts to message me. I've decided to just try to stay off for a while.

 

Your insecurities will get better in time. He's making it harder on you because he won't leave you alone. Maybe look into counseling if you need to. Can I ask you something though? When did you quit loving him and missing him and romanticizing him? That's the hardest thing for me. I start romanticizing.

[Ann253]

I stopped loving him when he tried to "ruin my life" (his words). It got pretty bad at the end.

I stopped romanticizing when I stopped being lonely. Took me about a year, but I keep myself busy. The nights were hardest tho. I would remind myself of the stuff he pulled and how controlling he got.

Thanks for the advice.