How am I supposed to find anyone if I am always second best?

[DRStone]

All my life I've been second best. Second best to my brother, second best in school to my best friend.. I spent years of my teenage life, meeting people starting to like a girl only to have them drool over my best friend (Who would always step away because he knew I liked them). There's so much more to it but it's not a hard concept to pick up, I was ALWAYS second best to everyone and everything.

 

I tried going out to a bar with a few friends for the sole person to try and get numbers of girls ect.. I spent all night speaking to people who would ignore me or they would be polite about it to palm me off to speak to another guy.

 

I actually had one girl come back to me and freely admitted she was turned down by one of my friends so came back to me... LIKE WHAT THE ****?!

 

I really don't know what to do anymore... I can't seem to talk to girls in real life as they'll always chose another guy over me and I even tried OLD (see previous threads) where I got a 3/100 response rate..

 

How am I supposed to find anyone when it seems like all women only care about looks and I'll always be their second choice?!

Edited January 4, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[JuneJulySeptember]

Because there's more than one woman in the world.

 

And even though it seems like every woman wants your best friend and brother (and I can't disagree that kind of thing goes on), they can only marry one woman at the end of the day, so the rest of the women have to go in another direction.

 

My online dating rejection rate is actually quite similar and actually a bit worse, so I don't know if you were 'joking' about that but yea, it's true.

 

All I can say is keep going for women who are fairly similar in looks to you and weed out the uppity women. Fish that pool and your odds probably increase.

Edited January 4, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted quote

[preraph]

Well, if it's any comfort, this happens to women even worse than it does to men. In any bar, all men are looking at the same top two women and oblivious to the rest.

 

Don't go out to meet girls with a guy who you know will get all the attention. Go with a guy who can be equal or not as attractive as you. Try to find activities where it's not all about looks. Volunteer somewhere to meet people, stand in line at a bookstore to meet an author and talk to the people around you, take up a class or activity that requires interaction with others. Just do things that highlight personality and working with a partner or group. Animal rescue, cooking, volunteering for a charity once a week for a couple of hours, etc.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Well, if it's any comfort, this happens to women even worse than it does to men. In any bar, all men are looking at the same top two women and oblivious to the rest.

 

You gotta be kidding me. All of my female friends have been hit on at bars. All of them. Only a select amount of my male friends have.

 

Just not a true statement.

[Danda]

How am I supposed to find anyone when it seems like all women are superficial bitches who only care about looks and I'll always be their second choice?!

 

First you need to realize that initial attraction IS superficial, like the very moment when you first see someone and don't know ANYTHING about them. You don't know anything about the 86-year-old in the corner but you don't need to, because one look at her and you know you're not interested. Does that make you a superficial bitch, yourself? No, just a normal human.

 

I guarantee you there are tons of women that you have completely overlooked in favor of women who were more attractive to you.

 

The first step in keeping yourself from turning into a shoulder-chip nutcase is to realize that you do the same exact thing, and you are not evil for it, and therefore others are not evil for it, either. You just have to embrace reality and roll with it.

 

If you get shot down by the woman you initially found to be the most attractive, but there is another woman still available who is a little less attractive but still okay in your eyes, you would try talking with her, too, wouldn't you? And that wouldn't make you shallow or a horrible person.

 

What is VERY rude and not at all classy is for someone to come back and announce to you that you were choice 2, or 3, or 50. We all know either consciously or subconsciously that we are rarely if ever hottie choice #1 when someone approaches us / accepts our approach and starts liking us over time. We know that if some way sexier person had been available, chances are that our suitor would have tried them first.

 

Lust guides us around while we don't know anyone, and eventually we start getting to know people and then a deeper, secondary layer of attraction starts forming. People just generally don't approach someone they don't find attractive, but just because you have never been the hottest person on the scene doesn't mean you're not attractive or something. The vast majority of humans will never be the hottest person on the scene. We just have to be patient.

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

I guarantee you there are tons of women that you have completely overlooked in favor of women who were more attractive to you.

 

 

I really wouldn't say that is necessarily true. I know people ASSUME that is true because most people have rejected tons of people.

 

But I have never rejected a woman. And I know a number of guys in my real life that I could probably say the same thing for. Not a large group of guys, but still a significant number.

[Mysterio]

I think you should go into counselling to reduce the negative chatter in your mind. Then you can be open to a possible romance. From what I have seen. Most people just fall into it. I have yet to see a male or female say. I want to go out there and get a GF/BF and it works out to a tee. Or if they do. After a long time they are not into the other person.

 

So I would just respectfully chill and just say that the only reason you are thinking this is because you are young. I don't know people that are older saying to themselves that they regret not doing anything because they missed out because they were older.

 

Its your youth that is playing with your head. You will most likely make it to 89 or so. So you have a lot of life to live that has nothing to do with having a GF. Just be open and let it come to you, more than you making big plans to attain it. You will be stress free for it. Right now you are developing a stressor to attain something that will pop into your life at the right time.

[DRStone]

I guarantee you there are tons of women that you have completely overlooked in favor of women who were more attractive to you.

 

The first step in keeping yourself from turning into a shoulder-chip nutcase is to realize that you do the same exact thing, and you are not evil for it, and therefore others are not evil for it, either. You just have to embrace reality and roll with it.

 

This isn't exactly true.. Obviously, first of all I see the most attractive women but I never talk to them because I know I don't have a chance... I always talk to the "less attractive" ones for lack of a better term.

 

There has been an instance when I saw this girl, bit fat and not very attractive, sitting by herself because two of her friends were talking to a few guys. Even she palmed me off..

[SJC2008]

I can relate, I'm like invisible guy. When we go to eat the waitress always talks to the other guy first or the bartender follows up with someone else in the group. Of course it doesn't mean they're getting it on in the bathroom or anything like that but it makes me wonder if something's wrong with me like my aura or if I have a resting ******* face since it seems to be the norm.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I feel this way too, like Alan from two and a half men. All the women want Charlie.

 

Honestly, it's just a case of women wanting the best men. The most handsome and charismatic. I mean I can count so many instances of women saying that they would date Guy A when he has a girlfriend and is such an obvious jerk and they are a relatively laid back, plain Jane woman. I've seen it so much and it plays so much into the theories that guys push around here, I wouldn't have believed it myself without seeing it. I mean, the vast majority of women all ready do go for the top dog.

 

Perhaps guys do too, but I never have. I embrace the underdog woman with shaky confidence.

 

I'll give you guys an epilogue though as an older guy. Although most women do go for the top dog, only a few women get to marry them. Most of the women that I am talking about did end up marrying guys who are much more pedestrian. If you guys were my friends, I could show you pics of the gals and guys and you'd shake your heads. Life is a trip.

[toscaroscura]

You gotta be kidding me. All of my female friends have been hit on at bars. All of them. Only a select amount of my male friends have.

 

Just not a true statement.

 

No, it is true. I don't get hit on* in bars. My more attractive** friends, who looked the part, got way more attention.

 

*One time, a very drunk guy propositioned me to have sex with him in his hot tub while his wife was away. This was after he told me how unique and classy I looked. This was the ONLY time I got hit on, and that was in 2008. I've been of drinking age since 2000 and been to my share of pubs in my day. I'm sure you'll say but that was once and perhaps you are right, but it's hardly the never-ending line of eager suitors you young guys imagine girls to have.

 

**I'm not unattractive, but I don't have that typical "hot girl" look. Effectively rendering me invisible in bar and club situations.

 

OP, Mysterio has a point too. You're very young. And pubs and clubs are really terrible places to meet girlfriends, at least if you're looking for anything serious.

 

I feel this way too, like Alan from two and a half men. All the women want Charlie.

 

Honestly, it's just a case of women wanting the best men. The most handsome and charismatic. I mean I can count so many instances of women saying that they would date Guy A when he has a girlfriend and is such an obvious jerk and they are a relatively laid back, plain Jane woman. I've seen it so much and it plays so much into the theories that guys push around here, I wouldn't have believed it myself without seeing it. I mean, the vast majority of women all ready do go for the top dog.

 

Perhaps guys do too, but I never have. I embrace the underdog woman with shaky confidence.

 

I'll give you guys an epilogue though as an older guy. Although most women do go for the top dog, only a few women get to marry them. Most of the women that I am talking about did end up marrying guys who are much more pedestrian. If you guys were my friends, I could show you pics of the gals and guys and you'd shake your heads. Life is a trip.

 

I'd say it's more a case of young girls thinking outward markers like hotness, money and a bad-boy attitude make for a "good" man with which to have a relationship. Boys do this too, when they assume the hottest, wildest girl in the room would make the best girlfriend. Eventually, we all grow up. It doesn't mean we settled grudgingly for those with more to offer than the superficial, or that the good people are inferior second place prizes. I don't know about anyone else, but as an older woman I am glad that I didn't end up with some of my girlhood crushes.

Edited January 4, 2015 by toscaroscura

[JuneJulySeptember]

I'd say it's more a case of young girls thinking outward markers like hotness, money and a bad-boy attitude make for a "good" man with which to have a relationship. Boys do this too, when they assume the hottest, wildest girl in the room would make the best girlfriend. Eventually, we all grow up. It doesn't mean we settled grudgingly for those with more to offer than the superficial, or that the good people are inferior second place prizes. I don't know about anyone else, but as an older woman I am glad that I didn't end up with some of my girlhood crushes.

 

Maybe. But 'young girls' was a looooong time ago for me, and I haven't seen that much marked improvement.

 

As for your bar theory, men want success. So, why would you think that average and below guys and guys with less confidence would approach the hottest women at the coolest clubs and bars when they are already being feasted on by 20 other men?

 

I go for women where I feel I have a chance, so there is a divide/discrepancy somewhere in CD forum (as there always is).

 

One person is saying "We go for plain Jane types and they shoot us down." Another person is saying "I'm a plain Jane type and I would just love it if any normal guy would hit on me, that doesn't ever happen."

 

Are you sure about your side of the story? I've been to a lot of bars and clubs and I live in/near a very large and diverse city and have hit on a lot of women. Granted, I'm no prize. But I have NEVER in my life felt that a woman was surprised/thankful/flattered that I was hitting on her.

 

Maybe you live in the sticks where every guy is the same and goes for the same type of girl.

Edited January 4, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

[toscaroscura]

Maybe. But 'young girls' was a looooong time ago for me, and I haven't seen that much marked improvement.

 

As for your bar theory, men want success. So, why would you think that average and below guys and guys with less confidence would approach the hottest women at the coolest clubs and bars when they are already being feasted on by 20 other men?

 

I go for women where I feel I have a chance, so there is a divide/discrepancy somewhere in CD forum (as there always is).

 

One person is saying "We go for plain Jane types and they shoot us down." Another person is saying "I'm a plain Jane type and I would just love it if any normal guy would hit on me, that doesn't ever happen."

 

Are you sure about your side of the story? I've been to a lot of bars and clubs and I live in/near a very large and diverse city and have hit on a lot of women. Granted, I'm no prize. But I have NEVER in my life felt that a woman was surprised/thankful/flattered that I was hitting on her.

 

Maybe you live in the sticks where every guy is the same and goes for the same type of girl.

 

I never said I would love it. In fact, I was married most of that time. Plus I find being hit on by strangers awkward. Even if he's attractive, if it's in a bar, I know it's a total dead end.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I never said I would love it. In fact, I was married most of that time. Plus I find being hit on by strangers awkward. Even if he's attractive, if it's in a bar, I know it's a total dead end.

 

That's fine.

 

I thought you trying to imply that women are flattered when men show them attention.

 

They typically are not.

[toscaroscura]

That's fine.

 

I thought you trying to imply that women are flattered when men show them attention.

 

They typically are not.

 

While I don't get hit on in bars and clubs, I have had approaches. What makes them flattering is when he is sweet and makes an effort to get to know me. I'm just not the casual type and don't respond to lines or sexual overtures. It also helps when we are at a gathering that doesn't involve booze.

 

To give you an example, I went to a family gathering the other night, my brother's GF's family. There was a single guy there, and my brother's GF told me he was a great guy and very sweet and awesome. He was cute too.

 

I observed him. I had come a little later and he was already getting pretty drunk. In our initial conversation, he was friendly and flirtatious and I was warm and receptive. But as the night wore on, he got really hammered. He started really flirting with all the younger (attached) girls and then came over to me.

 

He stood super close, leaning in. He was very drunk. He started telling me that "it might sound really forward" but that I "looked really amazing and interesting" (yeah right ). He asked me all kinds of questions and tried to get philosophical (but: drunk. yeah). Because he had no filter at the time, he offered up his past baggage, which included a wife that left him like 2 months ago.

 

I wasn't rude, I engaged him empathetically like a person. But there was no way this was happening. Even without the wife, it was just really obvious that he was drunk and horny and I wasn't anything special. In fact, as I was getting ready to go, he turned his attentions to other women, even telling my brother's GF how amazingly gorgeous she was. I secretly wished him luck and ducked out.

 

So no I wasn't flattered. That's my general experience of getting "hit on" by guys. Lots of fake flattery, lots of innuendo, little substance.

[youdunsay]

Someone once explained this to me. When there are five men and five women ranking one to five top-down in terms of attractiveness and hanging out in a meeting place, the five men would first target on the most attractive woman. When one of the men got her, the rest move on to second-best girl, so and so forth. You are a man and you get more opportunities to approach and of course to be rejected. Some women (like me) have to take leftovers of the leftovers, that is guys who weren't even attracted to a girl but just want someone to stand beside him.