Getting Signals

[PalmerEldritch]

EDIT: (Oops, I meant for the thread title to be 'Getting Mixed Signals'. Not sure if I can edit this now...)

 

I have a friend that I've known about three months, we met through Tinder, got along remarkably well, and hung out a number of times over the first few weeks. This culminated in a night that I went over, we made dinner together, watched a movie, and cuddled/made out. So while things were progressing somewhat slowly, there did seem to be romantic feelings.

 

Over the couple weeks following that night, however, she seemed a bit more distant, responded to texts but with short replies, and said she was busy anytime I tried to hang out with her. I directly asked her about this, and while she stated many things that she loved and respected about me, things essentially boiled down to that she wanted to keep hanging out with me because we have a lot of fun together, but that she's not interested in taking things further yet. So since then, things dialed down a bit, we talked less, and mostly stopped flirting.

 

But the following couple of months we've been talking more and more, flirting more, even things like sending me lingerie pics. And a couple weeks ago she mentioned that she wanted to stay over, so she spent the night last Friday, and again it was a fairly romantic night, I made dinner for her, we made out and cuddled the entire night. We didn't go further than making out though, and attempts on my end to go further were gently denied. I attempted to kiss her in the morning and she wasn't really having it, but otherwise we had a nice morning, ate breakfast together, went to a couple shops, then went our own ways.

 

And since then we've been texting as normal, and have tentative plans to do something in the future.

 

So mostly I'm trying to figure out what this girl's motivations are. Has she finally made up her mind on what she wants, but wants to take things slow? Does she just need the attention but doesn't want to get into an actual relationship? Also I'm trying to figure out how I should proceed. I can bluntly ask her again what her motivations are, but I don't want to have this same conversation over and over.

Edited January 4, 2015 by PalmerEldritch
Made a note that I meant to have a different title

[Danda]

My impression is that you haven't committed to being her boyfriend or even expressed interest in an actual relationship, told her how you feel about her or anything, but you're trying to get in her pants. You make it very clear that for you "taking it further" doesn't mean becoming exclusive. It just means having sex with her. She probably picks up on that and isn't cool with it. But she seems to like you enough that she's giving more and more time. If you don't actually want to be in a relationship with her please do not emotionally seduce her, **** her and bail. Because I'd bet dollars to doughnuts that's her big fear and we have enough jaded people in the world already.

Edited January 4, 2015 by Danda

[PalmerEldritch]

Oh, if that was the impression I gave off in the initial message, I definitely did not mean it. When I initially directly asked her what her feelings were towards me, I definitely told her my feelings towards her, and I did tell her that I want to be in an actual relationship with her.

 

In my description of how far we went a couple of nights ago, it is clear that I am willing to go further physically than she is at this point, but it's not a priority of mine to push it. Perhaps I'm not used to taking things so slowly, so I'm confusing a lack of physical desire with her not being that interested in me.

 

I think it is clear to her that I would not screw her and bail, through conversations we've had and such. But that is an interesting viewpoint that I haven't considered, so I suppose I should think about it and see if I ever gave that impression.

[CC12]

But that is an interesting viewpoint that I haven't considered, so I suppose I should think about it and see if I ever gave that impression.

 

I like this a lot. This is what every OP's response to feedback should look like.

 

I can bluntly ask her again what her motivations are, but I don't want to have this same conversation over and over.

 

You could have the conversation again if you need to, but wait a while. If I'm understanding correctly, you two just went on your first date after not having seen each other for a while and it's probably too soon to start asking her, "What are we/where is this going/what do you want?" Just keep asking her out on dates and see where it goes. You can ask those questions again after seeing her regularly and after keeping in consistent mutual contact for maybe like a month or more, to give you an idea of a time frame. But for now, resist the urge to put a label on it or to pin her down on what she's feeling now.

 

Good luck.