SillyGirl27 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Dear Wise Woman, I have been unfortunately been in multiple affairs, 2 married men and 1 with a girlfriend. I find myself in a strictly sexual affair with a married man whom works with my boyfriend. We would meet up once a week to have sex and would not text or talk until it was time to meet again. I finally decided that I can't do this anymore, I'm young and I love my boyfriend and I want to put him first and not seek attention of other men. I deleted the app we would text on and I don't want to ever speek to him again. Like I just want to go cold turkey. I know he would never speak to my boyfriend about it bc he expressed many times that he did not want to leave his wife which was totally okay with me considering I don't want to leave my boyfriend. I know my boyfriend deserves better, but I actually do love him and I know I did this bc I wanted to fulfill my fantasy of having sex with this guy. Would I put myself and my relationship with my boyfriend in jeopardy by just going no contact with this married man and never talking to him again? What makes this worse is we all go to the same gym every single morning so I have to see this MM everyday. Going to another gym is not an option. I am fine ignoring him at the gym. I'm in a sticky situation. Please help. Sincerely, Silly Girl Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 I'm glad you are on this site looking for help. That's the first step. If you haven't done so already, you need to get into counseling quickly. As it stands, your moral compass is way off and it needs to be readjusted. Counseling will hopefully help you with this. In terms of you and your boyfriend, I think you need to be honest with him. Hope this doesn't sound harsh but most people don't want to spend their life with someone that would cheat on them, and I think your bf is no exception. It's his right to decide if he wants to be with you or not, so please don't take that away from him. I have to ask how is your relationship with your bf? If you can do this to him now, imagine what will happen when you get married and start suffering the issues that marriages endure. Judging by your history with affairs, if you don't get a handle on this now, you are going to do it in a marriage as well. Good luck on your journey. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SillyGirl27 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 My relationship with him is amazing, I've never cheated on him before... Well until this time. He is so great to me and he's definitely someone I don't want to do this to. I have strayed, but I want to do better and I know that I can. Instead of staying on this path to self destruction I want to take the right path. If I did tell him I know he would leave and I can't blame him for that. Telling him really isn't an option, we've been together for 4 years and the last few months I've been unfaithful. I just hate myself for failing him but I genuinely want to do better!! I know I can. My past affairs I was single, young, dumb, the typical childish thinking of "he'll leave her for me" when I was 18 and 19. Now, 26 I've been faithful to him and only him until I met this MM but I don't want this anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 I'm glad you are on this site looking for help. That's the first step. If you haven't done so already, you need to get into counseling quickly. As it stands, your moral compass is way off and it needs to be readjusted. Counseling will hopefully help you with this. In terms of you and your boyfriend, I think you need to be honest with him. Hope this doesn't sound harsh but most people don't want to spend their life with someone that would cheat on them, and I think your bf is no exception. It's his right to decide if he wants to be with you or not, so please don't take that away from him. I have to ask how is your relationship with your bf? If you can do this to him now, imagine what will happen when you get married and start suffering the issues that marriages endure. Judging by your history with affairs, if you don't get a handle on this now, you are going to do it in a marriage as well. Good luck on your journey. I sense a much deeper issue then the normal selfishness and entitlement that is usually seen here. SillyGirl get yourself into therapy before you do anything else. It sounds like you don't value yourself and have detached mind and body. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SillyGirl27 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 You're absolutely right. I have considered therapy and will look into that. However, as far as going cold turkey on this other man is this a bad idea? I just never want to speak to him again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SillyGirl27 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 I sense a much deeper issue then the normal selfishness and entitlement that is usually seen here. SillyGirl get yourself into therapy before you do anything else. It sounds like you don't value yourself and have detached mind and body. I agree, but what is going cold turkey a bad idea as far as no contact? I never want to speak to this MM again Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 You're absolutely right. I have considered therapy and will look into that. However, as far as going cold turkey on this other man is this a bad idea? I just never want to speak to him again. Why would it be a bad idea, if what you want is to stop? How could it hurt? You don't have to answer because I know why your asking. I guessing you don't even enjoy the sex with the married guy. But the fact that he wants you is what's feeding this thing. Maybe I'm wrong on that one, but it makes sense because you have absolutely no emotional attrachment with him. How would you fill the void once you stop sleeping with him? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Instead of staying on this path to self destruction I want to take the right path. If I did tell him I know he would leave and I can't blame him for that. Telling him really isn't an option, we've been together for 4 years and the last few months I've been unfaithful. I just hate myself for failing him but I genuinely want to do better!! I know I can. I want you to focus on that part right there. If you know that cheating is a deal breaker for him, I'm sorry to say that you have to confess. When I first discovered LS there was thread in which a guy discovered his wife cheated on him before they got married. His wife like you knew that cheating was a deal breaker, so she decided to keep it to herself. Ultimately, he felt that he was conned into marrying her and said that the only reason he chose to stay was because they had kids. If you need another example, then read my story. I like your thread because it really hits close to home with me and you remind me of my wife. Just know that our relationship suffered a big hit not because she cheated, but chose to lie about it because she knew it was a dealbreaker. My wife thought I would never find out, but she slipped up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SillyGirl27 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 Why would it be a bad idea, if what you want is to stop? How could it hurt? You don't have to answer because I know why your asking. I guessing you don't even enjoy the sex with the married guy. But the fact that he wants you is what's feeding this thing. Maybe I'm wrong on that one, but it makes sense because you have absolutely no emotional attrachment with him. How would you fill the void once you stop sleeping with him? No one could have honestly answered that better than you because it's the complete truth. I want to cry but I feel nothing, maybe I'm a typical sociopath, maybe it's childhood trauma. There is one thing I want and that is to not have a void to fill. This cold hard truth is staring me in the face and I couldn't be more thankful for your bluntness. I need to focus on me and my relationship but first I must fix what's inside me. Thank you all for being supportive and helpful! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 Dear Wise Woman, I have been unfortunately been in multiple affairs, 2 married men and 1 with a girlfriend. I find myself in a strictly sexual affair with a married man whom works with my boyfriend. We would meet up once a week to have sex and would not text or talk until it was time to meet again. I finally decided that I can't do this anymore, I'm young and I love my boyfriend and I want to put him first and not seek attention of other men. I deleted the app we would text on and I don't want to ever speek to him again. Like I just want to go cold turkey. I know he would never speak to my boyfriend about it bc he expressed many times that he did not want to leave his wife which was totally okay with me considering I don't want to leave my boyfriend. I know my boyfriend deserves better, but I actually do love him and I know I did this bc I wanted to fulfill my fantasy of having sex with this guy. Would I put myself and my relationship with my boyfriend in jeopardy by just going no contact with this married man and never talking to him again? What makes this worse is we all go to the same gym every single morning so I have to see this MM everyday. Going to another gym is not an option. I am fine ignoring him at the gym. I'm in a sticky situation. Please help. Sincerely, Silly Girl It's not sticky. He won't say anything. Anything at all. Just stop talking to him. It's that simple. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 (edited) To have a truly peaceful nights sleep some time between now, and the end of your life, you have to tell your boyfriend. You know that, don't you? Edited January 5, 2015 by Satu Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlet2 Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 I'm not a big fan of "hope he takes the hint". I would tell the MM you don't want to do it anymore and then go cold turkey otherwise he may think you're on a pause or he'll keep asking and you'll have to keep rejecting or string him along to avoid hurting his feelings and it never goes away until discovery. People handle rejection differently. You hear how the other woman can turn into the "bunny boiler" when the MM ends it, but because you're ending it first the MM might stay quiet if he doesn't want his wife knowing... Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 i find it quite disturbing when a person in an affair claims to "love" their SO, al the while hurting them in the most awful way- SMDH. lets be totally honest here... you aren't gonna stop till you very well tire from the attention or are caught. as someone just pointed out, you don't want to stop, just yet. furthermore, your bf has a right to know he is being duped. he has a right to make a decision a concerning his relationship with you and if he wants to continue with it knowing all the facts. if you really did/do love him you'd give him that. telling him isn't an option for YOU because of the possible fallout- the potential to lose your relationship; the potential to be exposed; and the potential damage to your reputation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SillyGirl27 Posted January 6, 2015 Author Share Posted January 6, 2015 It's not sticky. He won't say anything. Anything at all. Just stop talking to him. It's that simple. I just want you all to know that today I went to see a counselor. She recommended I not tell my significant other as it would shift the guilt off of me onto him. It is I that must live with this guilt, but I am reprimanding myself and my actions to focus on being a better person not only for me but for my boyfriend. The married man has text me on my real number, twice. My counselor also told me to just ignore him since he has told me he's done this multiple times with other women that he would most likely move on to the next and not put his family in jeopardy. I haven't responded and I blocked his number. I feel stronger and I plan on going to confession because I believe I need to have a better relationship with God and respect for myself to stay on a righteous path. Just because I cheated on him doesn't mean that I don't love him. We all make mistakes, we're human. I'm not married and I know that it still doesn't make it right nor is it an excuse, but I know that I have better morals than that to do this if we were married because being married is making a promise to God but also being together is making a promise to him. The main thing I'm saying here is that I'm going to continue to work on being a better person, to give him better because he deserves better than what I've been giving him. Clearly we all know that I have had a problem with giving my body to men without having emotional attachment. This need has been identified as wanting to be "wanted". And even though my cousin abusing me as a child isn't an excuse, it has caused obvious emotional childhood trauma and I'm really working on it. I always used to say that people who use their childhood abuse to be a slut isn't an excuse, but the more I was talking to my counselor the more I discovered that this has caused more trauma in my life than I imagined. I know most of you think I'm full of ****, and that's okay. You can judge me, you can say I never loved my boyfriend, that I'm a horrible person, and that he deserves better (and he does) but the bottom line is I'm human. I made a mistake and I am doing better. I honestly believe that I won't do this again because I look at my life and I try to look at it without him and I can't imagine what it would be like without him. All I can say is thank you. Thank you for helping me through this turmoil. It has helped me make the first step, which was getting help from my peers to seeing a counselor to having a relationship with God to make myself a better woman to my boyfriend and to have respect for myself. I know we all have our own opinions on what I should or should not do, but I will do what is best for me and my relationship in the end. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 Once your BF finds out you need to ask your councler what to do once your alone. Telling your BF allows you the chance to try to fix things in your relationship with him. It gives him a chance to help you. It sounds like your going to need all the help you can get. Sure he might say he will leave but I can tell you this I have been on this site for a while and most men cower and stay. (That part sure breaks my heart but its the truth). Don't get me wrong I do think you need to be alone. I do think its not fair you don't tell your BF but that is all your choice. I just think you would be in a better position if you were honest with him. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 SillyGirl, if you read my first post again, I suspected that you had been sexually abused. Which is why I said see a therapist before you did anything. While I don't personally buy the theory of eatting guilt, I don't believe the timing is right for you to confess to your boyfriend. He will most likely leave and I fear it would cause a tailspin. One thing I have to point out as what I see as a flaw in your logic. Being married wouldn't have stopped you from cheating. The ring wouldn't have given you the tools to deal with your past in a healthy manner. Stop giving yourself excuses. The abuse was not your fault, the affair is. Married or not you have to develope the tools to deal with it. Just a side show along these lines. I have a childhood friend who's mother abandoned him, left him with her brother and never looked back. Years later he had a wonderful girlfriend that he cheated on all the. He would always say "once we get married I'm going to stop". He had a need to be accepted by women, and would do anything to get it. Made him a real ladies man. Random woman had car trouble, he would fix it or pay to have it fixed. The girl across the hall was short on her rent he would pay it. Real nice guy, except he would sleep with them all. He got married and it stopped. Then after a few years he started back up. 15 years and two marriage later he finally addressed the issue of his mother. No marriage won't end your unhealthy needs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 I just showed my wife your post and she screamed at the computer screen "don't make the same mistake I did!!!" I do agree with DKT that you should get yourself in order first, but I do implore you to confess when you do. Your counselor advised you not to tell because he or she is looking out for your best interest, not your boyfriends. Not telling is a tool used to protect you not him. Look I get it. You have four years invested and you don't want to to lose your bf and possibly start over. However, knowing that cheating is a deal breaker for him, keeping that secret will eat you alive (my wife's words). If you choose to keep this secret, my advice to you is always expect for it to come out one day. Trust me when I say that these things have a funny way of coming out at the worst time. If it does come out, you need to be very understanding and sympathetic to the situation. Possibly by that time, you will have gotten over your affair. However, it will be fresh to your bf (possibly husband). I can almost assure you that if you do get married and the secret comes out, he will feel that he was conned into marrying you, especially since cheating is a dealbreaker for him. Sorry for the diatribe. Like I said, your story hit close to home. I almost wish you could speak to my wife. None the less, good luck with whatever you decide to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 My relationship with him is amazing, I've never cheated on him before... Well until this time. He is so great to me and he's definitely someone I don't want to do this to. I have strayed, but I want to do better and I know that I can. Instead of staying on this path to self destruction I want to take the right path. If I did tell him I know he would leave and I can't blame him for that. Telling him really isn't an option, we've been together for 4 years and the last few months I've been unfaithful. I just hate myself for failing him but I genuinely want to do better!! I know I can. My past affairs I was single, young, dumb, the typical childish thinking of "he'll leave her for me" when I was 18 and 19. Now, 26 I've been faithful to him and only him until I met this MM but I don't want this anymore. Would you say you enjoy the excitement of risk? If you enjoy being a risk-taker, then you might need to think about that aspect of yourself if you want to control it in this context. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TylerTyrone Posted January 7, 2015 Share Posted January 7, 2015 Would you say you enjoy the excitement of risk? If you enjoy being a risk-taker, then you might need to think about that aspect of yourself if you want to control it in this context. I agree with what you said. I think she is in it for the thrill. Nothing wrong about that, just be honest with your Bf. He has the right to know that you are deceiving him. How would you feel if the tables were turned? I don't understand you can still live with yourself, knowing you are hurting your bf if he finds out. Cut it out, grow up, Link to post Share on other sites
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