Help please...I've lost the man I love! (long)

[Sodahigh99]

I met a guy who was mad for me, I found it a bit full on to begin with, I was scared of getting in too deep incase I got hurt. This didnt go down too well, he said that I didnt appreciate him and so he finished with me. I chased and managed to win him back, from then on things were great for a while. I completely fell for him, we were both very much in love and talked a lot about a future together. He made me feel so special, he said that I was the best ever. Then he finished with me again, saying that he didnt feel good enough for me and it was cause I asked why did certain things...I tried to explain that it was me getting to know him but he seemed to take it that I was putting him down. So I chased again, and we managed to sort it.

 

This happened a few times, I started to feel insecure so my actions werent always great. I kept thinking the worst would happen, accuse him of ignoring me and I became quite needy. One night I cracked up and started screaming and shouting at him, I was out of order, completely but my anger and frustration got the better of me. That following week I kept calling to apologise, I would cry, then get angry etc. I felt I was out of control. Since then I have had NLP therapy and some councelling. We kept in contact but it was mainly me calling him.

 

I didnt call him after he told me never to contact him again, a couple of days passed and he called me telling me how much he missed me and asked to meet. We met up and it was great. We both told eachother how we felt, he told me that he loved me very much and wanted to spend more time with me and that if I had stopped calling him before that he would have called me. He even asked would I marry him and that he hasnt ever felt this way about anyone, that I was the right person for him. I said that I would in the future but we were to be sensible as it was only a few months that we had been going out and that we needed some stability. We spent the next few days together, it was great. We were really close. Then the next day he started being really cold towards me, when I called him he said I was being a nag. I said that I just wanted to understand why he was being cold all of a sudden. It developed into an arguement and the next thing I knew it was all off again.

 

I didnt leave it, wish I had but I didnt. I kept calling, he would ignore me. I left it for a few days and he called me after he had been out drinking, asking me to come through. He said that he hadnt been drinking and that it wasnt a booty call. I explained that I had been drinking too so I couldnt drive through to his. He said he would call the next day, he didnt. I called and he said sorry that he had forgot until I called. I sent him a text later saying not to worry and to have a nice weekend. I was trying to stay calm as my behaviour had been angry before so I was trying to stay as calm as I could. Anyway the next day, I had cabin fever as I hadnt gone out, this was playing on my mind so I ended up calling. We got on fine then when he said it was over and that he had nothing left I cracked up....we had a blazing row and we both said some awful things. I lost control again, I had been drinking and said stuff I shouldnt have. He did too. I emailed the next day to say how sorry I was.

 

I didnt contact him for 4 days, he I sent him a text to tell him I missed him. He didnt reply. The next night I sent one saying i could understand why he ignored me but that he was also to blame for some of the things said. He text me later that night, told me that he really cared about me but too much has been said but I could call him if I wanted to chat. I did, he told me he loved me and that he would do anything for things to be right again. He asked me through, I said not tonight as it was late, he said we could meet up the next day. He text me the next day as he had been called to work and said that he could get together when he is not working. I called the next evening, a quick call to say hello as I was going out with friends and I knew he was working that night. Ended up that he wasnt working, he was out drinking. I said nothing but I called when I got home and left him a message to say that I was disappointed he had gone out and if I was as important to him as he said I was then I should have been the first person he would have contacted if he had not been working. He called me back, we had a row and that was it.

 

I called him on Monday and he said he was feeling depressed and needed to get his life sorted out. After the phonecall I sent him a text telling him that I thought he was a wonderful guy and that things will get better for him and that I was here for him if he needed me. He sent me a text back telling me thanks for everything but he doesnt think we will ever be together again. I asked why the next day by text, I called him at night and he said that his heart says yes but his head says no. He said that he does love me but doesnt want to tell me cause then I will ask why he is doing this. He kept saying if I had stopped calling he would have called me and that he was finding my calling unattractive.

 

I didnt call again until Friday night. We spoke ok, he asked me if I missed him, he said that he missed me. He then told me that his flat is up for sale and that he is moving. It was a shock as we planned to move together in 6 months. I told him it was a shock and that where he was planning to move to is somewhere I couldnt move to as its too far away for my work cause of the traffic getting through the city. He seemed shocked and said it wasnt that far away. Anyway I said goodbye after a while chatting and said that it seemed final a big rubber stamp. He said that he didnt see it that way.

 

I called the next day...why? I have no idea, feeling lonely and not wanting to accept this is happening. The call didnt go well, I told him that I loved him and he said do you think telling me that is going to fix things? I said do you want things fixed? He said he doesnt know and that he hasnt had time to think about it as I keep calling. He said he thought we would have walked away from this this and I said yeah well you know why I was hanging on and that he has been giving me mixed messages. He said yeah Im sorry for that. I said fairenough...he said so are you just not going to call again? I said goodbye.

 

What now? I'm so mixed up and confused. I agree NC but its very difficult when he has been giving me so many mixed signals. Will he come back?

[moimeme]

He made me feel so special, he said that I was the best ever. Then he finished with me again, saying that he didnt feel good enough for me and it was cause I asked why did certain things...I tried to explain that it was me getting to know him but he seemed to take it that I was putting him down. So I chased again, and we managed to sort it.

 

Move on. Run. Flee. This guy has major issues. He can't take any discussion without feeling 'blamed' or that you 'nag' him. For whatever reason, this one is terrified of 'being controlled' - which could mean he's controlling, himself. He will never be fun to live with. Should you get into a live-in situation with him, it will just be more of this misery.

 

Yes, there were some good times early on. Now you keep thinking that if only he'd realize how good it could be, he'd be the right partner. But the good times were the good times every relationship starts out with. This is reality. This is the way the relationship will always be. You do not need this kind of person and this kind of grief in your life.

 

For your own sake, move on. I promise you you'll be miserable if you manage to persuade this guy to continue with you.

[LucreziaBorgia]

As long as one of you allows the other to contact him/her - it will probably continue like this for a while. It sounds like he is ready to go, but not quite ready to let go. The cons of the relationship are outweighing the pros for him so he's going, but it won't make him miss those pros any less.

 

There is only one way that the two of you will be able to sort this out for yourselves, and that is with some solid 'no contact' for you both to get some unbiased, uninterrupted time to think things through. Let the pain and confusion subside and give logic and understanding some time.

 

He can't give you mixed signals if you refuse to accept them.

 

Once he gets his signals in order one way or the other, then and only then will he be able to contact you: it may be a final contact to say goodbye, or it may be a contact to re-establish something between you. Heck, by that time you may have moved on yourself. The outcome is uncertain, but one thing is certain: you won't get to an outcome if contacting each other keeps you spinning your wheels.

[Sodahigh99]

The more I have thought about things today the more I get angry. I am angry that he thinks that I will be hanging around for him for when he is ready....I want to email him to let him know that I will be moving on and that if he changes his mind this time then to keep it to himself as he cannot keep picking me up and throwing me away like bad rubbish. Should I email?

[Sodahigh99]

Thanks for the replies. I've not emailed...whats the point? Im just messed up at the moment and cant stop thinking about him. He has finished it so many times before and we have always got back....its never lasted this long. I dont know why he contacts me to ask me to go over and changes his mind the next day....he needs to get himself sorted. If he loves me as much as he said then he will sort this out. Will he??

[upsetnhurt]

soda,

 

Why do you want him so bad? I can see if he treated you like gold yet he treats you like garbage. IS this the type of man you want to end up with in life? I hope not and hope that you will give yourself time to get more and more angry with his actions. He will not CHANGE unless he wants to and from the looks of it he does not. Please don't feel the need to have the last word and say that you are moving on......actions say a lot more than words......from my point of view you would look like a joke if you sent the email stating such (What purpose?) You tried your best and realize that you deserve more!

[Sodahigh99]

please dont get me wrong, this guy was wonderful. He sent me loving messages, he was kind he was thoughtful, he treated me like a princess but I pushed him away as I was afraid of being hurt. I kept thinking about what has happened in the past and I thought that I didnt deserve anyone like this, that it wouldnt be real. My only fault with him was that he kept finishing it, maybe he was trying to protect himself, I dont know.

 

I was insecure, this didnt help, the thing is i know I am a great person, I'm loyal, a good griend and I wouldnt put anyone down. I loved him with all my heart and I know he loved me. I kept thinking the worst, I thought he would do everything that anyone else would have done to me. Sometimes I really struggle with that so thats why I have sought advice from counselling, that may help.

 

He ignored me etc as he didnt know how to deal with things...especially me. I went mental on a few occassions, lost control....not many people would put up with that. I pushed him away and I know that I did this as I think I dont deserve things as good as they were. I wasnt able to accept the love he gave me, I am now but I still have some growin to do. I admit him finishing with me that hasnt helped but I pushed him, he was a great guy who I admired I had no reason to do what I did.

 

What do you think? Have I pushed him away for good?

[shachic]

wish i had some sound advice for you, however, I'm kind in the same situation that you are in. Maybe not exactly the same, but similar.

I too love a guy so much, and at first I was scared of getting hurt - he pursued me, and I was resistant for a while. Then....I let him in......and eventually fell for him hard.

Then....it kinda fizzled out, but I wanted to rekindle things, b/c I just liked so much about him. As a result, I initiated a lot of contact with him, which eventually made him feel uncomfortable, b/c he told me he didn't want a relationship. He said before we can be friends, he thinks I should put more distance between us. This hurts really badly, and I haven't talked or emailed him in a week. I don't really want to be 'just friends', I do love him.

But, he doesn't see the connection we have, and thinks I pay too much attention to him.

 

I don't know what else to do, except just back off. Its sad, because I hardly meet guys like him - I meet many men, but hardly ever men like him who really impress me.

 

I wish I could help you out more, but as you can see, i'm in the same boat as you - missing him like crazy, but not having any of control over the situation at all.

 

I'm so sad about that.

[angelj]

ive posted a heartbreak post on here...so i too understand how you feel. although very different situations, we feel the same. heartbroken, tossed aside, wishing we could change something...longing for a chance...whatever.

 

im trying super super hard to find peace with this and its near impossible.

 

BUT i will say that i do believe if things are meant to be they will be. (and i hate that stupid quote especially at the current moment.) sometimes giving up and just keeping faith and your head up is the hardest damn thing in the world to do. you want to control everything, you want to control the circumstance and the outcome but , even as hard as you try to control it, fate takes its course. if you try to make something work and it isnt meant to work, it just wont. and sometimes as hard as you try to push something away, it comes back. that doesnt necissarily mean that its meant to be, but maybe not meant to be over yet?

 

i dunno im just ranting and trying to help others while helping myself.

 

i ask myself this...if i met someone else would i be over this man i think i love so much? i know i would be distracted enough to stay happy and i would be able to push him out. but if we decided to start hanging out again, i am certain those old feelings would surface and maybe that is what my boy is scared of. the fact that we cannot simply hang out and be friends...too many old feelings would spark up and at this point in time...a relationship between us would be a disaster. it really sucks leaving things up to God or fate or whatever you believe in....but its necessary (i think) you cannot control everything. sadly in our world, we all want power and control over everything.