LDR gf too insecure to send a selfie

[oleggy]

Okay, ill do my best to keep this as short as possible. But my girlfriend(of 5 months) has teased me for 2-3 months that she would send me a selfie, and always prolonging it with some excuse. And when i called her out on it, which has happened twice(last time yesterday). She said both times she doesn't understand why she's holding back so much with me and don't understand herself what she is afraid of. And also when i've called her out on other thing she goes on and saying sorry and she says she doesn't know why she's holding back so much. But i believe it may be caused by past hurts.

 

I know we trust each other more than anything and can talk about anything so that doesn't seem to be the issue, because i have had a direct talk about trust with her and we saw how much we trusted each other. And we shared alot of visions for the future.

 

This is for now purely a online relationship for now and plan on spending a month together this summer, we have known each other for 8-9 years. And few years back she has sent me pictures so i'm sure im not getting catfished in those manners at least. And also i have said "i love you" to her, and she responded with the same, and she has talked about kids with me on at least 3-4 occasions, and i talked about living together which she agreed she envisioned too.

 

So i do believe she really wants me, but are so insecure and afraid of losing me. Because last time she talked about kids, she asked "would you leave me if i wouldn't/couldn't have kids for you". I'm of course aware of me being quite uncertain and insecure about the relationship myself now, but those doubts stem from she's being very cold/unaffectionate often. And she might just not be a very affectionate partner i need to change my own thinking.

 

The other things that could be causing her to be so cold and unaffectionate is following reasons. She has had one long relationship before, and after the breakup she suffered for over 2 years because of it and was on brink of suicide thoughts i think. And not enough with that, she has a mother that's neglecting her and seems to be degrading her. She has also said she has very low self-esteem which could be at random or stem from all these things together. Also the boyfriend of her mother is disgusting and abit mean at times which causes her to be moody all day. And last thing is that her work is killing her, like making her body be almost complete in pain because it takes a huge toll on her.

 

What i've done through all my years is to show all the time that i'm there for her and we share great times together and she knows im to be trusted and will always be there for her when needed. And i keep reassuring her often how much i want her, and love her, and that i will never leave her side as i want her to be my one and only. Even though she's been through 2 depressions after we got together and both times tried to push me away, i answered with reassuring her over and over how much i could that i would never leave her. Which in the end caused her to say sorry and saying that i should find someone more stable and someone better and all things like that. In short, i always try to be affectionate and cute to her as much i can even she doesnt give **** in return.

 

So my question and what im wondering about. Is there anything i could do to change this around with her to open her up and making her hold less back on affection(if she can be more affectionate, but are just holding back) and finally sending a selfie? i feel i've done everything i could to try improve things with her and get her to open up more to me and don't hold back.

 

But at certain times i always feel like im being taken for granted and a 2nd choice as she often spends an entire weekend mostly gaming and saying quite little to me(could be shes feeling really down and dont want to talk much) so im feeling there must be done something more that i havent thought or managed to do yet.

[hoping2heal]

You said you saw photos...ever see her live on a webcam?

[oleggy]

You said you saw photos...ever see her live on a webcam?

 

Seen pictures on 3 different occasions all different age and setting. But no, not yet. But i asked her many times for live chat, and she says it will come soon. But as she feels so insecure i think shes waiting as long as possible. I have pushed for it, and asked when i brought the issue up with her yesterday, asked if it would be within a few months and she said of course. So i have my hopes up but of course, if you read the whole thing, you would know its complicated matter...

[darkmoon]

she doesn't want to send a picture, as if revenge porn wasn't bad enough, vengeful exes publish superimposed nude bodies with the dumpers face

 

you are asking a lot

 

maybe she is depressed again, maybe you should visit her, just turn up, talk to her about wassup

[welshbambi]

This doesn't sound right to me. If you have known of each other for over a decade and are talking about kids and a future then I cannot understand how you would not have at least skyped yet.

 

You can't force someone to do something like send pictures, but this isn't really a suitable basis for a long term relationship, in my opinion. You could not stand on oath and say you categorically knew this person if they walked past you in the street. She says she's gaming - have you considered maybe she has someone else in her life with a physical presence?

 

Watch Catfish on MTV and then compare your situation with there's. You need to corroborate all of this before investing any more of your time and emotion in it.

[hoping2heal]

It's complicated because of your emotional feelings.

 

However, does it make sense to you that a woman would send you photos on 3 different occasions, but she cites insecurity as the reason for not sending a "selfie" or doing a live chat? If she was too insecure, uncomfortable, etc. to do those things then it would stand to reason the same insecurity would prevent her from sending any photos at all, no?

[oleggy]

she doesn't want to send a picture, as if revenge porn wasn't bad enough, vengeful exes publish superimposed nude bodies with the dumpers face

 

you are asking a lot

 

maybe she is depressed again, maybe you should visit her, just turn up, talk to her about wassup

 

I know im asking alot, but at the same time not. She agreed to be in relationship with me after all and has said to me she would send picture. And it's just a totally normal selfie she could use as profile pic. And i've been reassuring her every time. Like when she sent before it wasnt so much problems. But with the signs of lately she doesn't seem so commited. And pictures and skyping is what we have for now. And video chatting shes more afraid of, but she agreed we should do before summer, as im spending almost a month with her then.

 

Video chatting was planned to be before new years(when i first brought it up in october/november. But she said she managed to break her headset, so it's all on hold. So im on verge of thinking catfished even i have enough signs to support its not :/ its such a complicated matter i cant solve on my own.

[oleggy]

It's complicated because of your emotional feelings.

 

However, does it make sense to you that a woman would send you photos on 3 different occasions, but she cites insecurity as the reason for not sending a "selfie" or doing a live chat? If she was too insecure, uncomfortable, etc. to do those things then it would stand to reason the same insecurity would prevent her from sending any photos at all, no?

 

In my earlier years it was maybe i managed to be more pushy on her too, to convince her in the right ways. But as for now, my emotions control me more. So i don't go so far in pushing her and demanding a picture. As i respect her as my gf and don't want to push her too much, like more than she feels comfortable with. And she sent me pictures of a complete photoshoot once, so i guess it could be complicated by all the things that has happened in her life for the last 3-4 years since that time i guess :/

 

At the same time i feel like i'm being played around by her like a kid by her though. Like she has total control to do what she wants and i'm usually the one ending up with compromising on things.

Edited January 4, 2015 by oleggy

[oleggy]

This doesn't sound right to me. If you have known of each other for over a decade and are talking about kids and a future then I cannot understand how you would not have at least skyped yet.

 

You can't force someone to do something like send pictures, but this isn't really a suitable basis for a long term relationship, in my opinion. You could not stand on oath and say you categorically knew this person if they walked past you in the street. She says she's gaming - have you considered maybe she has someone else in her life with a physical presence?

 

Watch Catfish on MTV and then compare your situation with there's. You need to corroborate all of this before investing any more of your time and emotion in it.

 

I know her enough to know it isn't anyone else in her life. She's barely around with friends. She has work, and spends the rest of the day on her computer gaming and talking to me. But all these answers to make me more insecure and think about catfish yes. But i got till february to know certainly if i'm catfished or not. She said i should get a selfie within february. So if that doesn't happen i gotta be more brutal in my reply than i have been, as i've always been understanding and giving her more time.

 

There's the fact also she said i love you through songs and pictures alot before i said it in words to her. So i try to be as positive by this as possible and put all the blame on her mental issues than herself as person.

[hoping2heal]

In my earlier years it was maybe i managed to be more pushy on her too, to convince her in the right ways. But as for now, my emotions control me more. So i don't go so far in pushing her and demanding a picture. As i respect her as my gf and don't want to push her too much, like more than she feels comfortable with. And she sent me pictures of a complete photoshoot once, so i guess it could be complicated by all the things that has happened in her life for the last 3-4 years since that time i guess :/

 

At the same time i feel like i'm being played around by her like a kid by her though. Like she has total control to do what she wants and i'm usually the one ending up with compromising on things.

 

You shouldn't expect someone who is "too insecure" to send a selfie (which is NOT a nude photo) or go on webcam, to show up to spend the summer with you. Afterall, if she is too insecure to allow you to see her then how would that work? If you're spending time in person you would see her then, no? So, are you two just not ever going to meet because she's too insecure? I'm trying to show you here where the logic leads.

 

As for photos..I know someone IRL who doesn't FB/Myspace/ETC. her older step sister was using family photos of her (the sister was older, quite overweight, etc.) and passing them on to a guy she met online. It can be faked pretty easy..just saying.

[darkmoon]

I know im asking alot, but at the same time not. She agreed to be in relationship with me after all and has said to me she would send picture. And it's just a totally normal selfie she could use as profile pic. And i've been reassuring her every time. Like when she sent before it wasnt so much problems. But with the signs of lately she doesn't seem so commited. And pictures and skyping is what we have for now. And video chatting shes more afraid of, but she agreed we should do before summer, as im spending almost a month with her then.

 

Video chatting was planned to be before new years(when i first brought it up in october/november. But she said she managed to break her headset, so it's all on hold. So im on verge of thinking catfished even i have enough signs to support its not :/ its such a complicated matter i cant solve on my own.

 

she sounds a bit odd, no real contact, this in spite of you treating her well, i have never seen an LDR carried out solely on-line, she sounds incredibly shy, i think she will live most of her life as a loner, you will have to wait and see and/or date others who are more lively

[oleggy]

You shouldn't expect someone who is "too insecure" to send a selfie (which is NOT a nude photo) or go on webcam, to show up to spend the summer with you. Afterall, if she is too insecure to allow you to see her then how would that work? If you're spending time in person you would see her then, no? So, are you two just not ever going to meet because she's too insecure? I'm trying to show you here where the logic leads.

 

As for photos..I know someone IRL who doesn't FB/Myspace/ETC. her older step sister was using family photos of her (the sister was older, quite overweight, etc.) and passing them on to a guy she met online. It can be faked pretty easy..just saying.

 

We're both quite shy i get that. And shes constantly saying sorry and such when i demand things that make her reveal herself so i guess she's so insecure and low on self esteem it could be causing it. But i guess i got to be patient and demand webcam at same time as she gives me selfie. I want to be positive of this at least and be abit patient. But if nothing if that pans out, i will break it off or really make it hard for her so it will be make it break it for the relationship. Because i do get your logic but i've constantly been patient and so with her but it has to end somewhere if she cant meet in the middle on compromising on things.

[oleggy]

she sounds a bit odd, no real contact, this in spite of you treating her well, i have never seen an LDR carried out solely on-line, she sounds incredibly shy, i think she will live most of her life as a loner, you will have to wait and see and/or date others who are more lively

 

I get your point yes. But i want her, and i want the best of her because if she is what she has given signs of, she deserves everything. And she has herself stated directly in words "perhaps i'm destined to be alone" or so, like constantly being alone and dying a single life. So i try to push in a gentle way to improve her, right now i see it as repairing her to her former glory, before all hurts like back to her old self.

 

I know i'm taking a quite huge risk wether catfish or not, but if not i know the rewards will be enourmous.

[hoping2heal]

We're both quite shy i get that. And shes constantly saying sorry and such when i demand things that make her reveal herself so i guess she's so insecure and low on self esteem it could be causing it. But i guess i got to be patient and demand webcam at same time as she gives me selfie. I want to be positive of this at least and be abit patient. But if nothing if that pans out, i will break it off or really make it hard for her so it will be make it break it for the relationship. Because i do get your logic but i've constantly been patient and so with her but it has to end somewhere if she cant meet in the middle on compromising on things.

 

2+3 cannot make 4.

 

Again, she's shy? Ok She's insecure? Ok - soo shy and sooo insecure that she cannot possibly produce for you, a live photo (Selfie) or a live video clip. Yet, she can give you a set of photos. So, her insecurity and shyness just multiplied post sending you photos? Her self esteem was high enough to send you the set of photos, but now it suddenly went so low that live photos are out of the question?

 

You might have white gloves on...but I have a bottle of Ketchup to sell you.

 

Here's food for thought. If a person is going to invest their time and emotion into another person, I think the least that the OTHER person can do..is furnish proof of their existence. It is not in any way unreasonable to ask for a live photo or webcam session. Especially, since sending pictures can be faked so very easily...sending live photo (the selfie) or spending a few minutes on cam is not to much to ask.

 

Furthermore, does this woman have no income? Because October was 3 months ago and the technology to go on cam is rather cheap so it would also be reasonable to assume the person would go out and have purchased replacement by now.

 

You can allow this woman to keep lying to you if it makes you feel better, but at some point you'll run out of runway for the lies.

[ExpatInItaly]

She's hiding something, for sure. There's no reason why - after nearly 10 years of communicating - she couldn't show you who she actually is unless she's got something to hide.

 

Until you see her live on camera, do not believe that you know who she really is. I would no way in hell be planning any sort of future with someone who can't bring themselves to video chat with me even once in the all the years I've known them. She's ok to talk about relationships and kids, but freaks when you ask for a selfie or Skype/cam chat? No.

 

OP, this is ass-backwards and I think you know it. Tell her to cut the BS now or walk away. It's a waste of time otherwise.

[oleggy]

2+3 cannot make 4.

 

Again, she's shy? Ok She's insecure? Ok - soo shy and sooo insecure that she cannot possibly produce for you, a live photo (Selfie) or a live video clip. Yet, she can give you a set of photos. So, her insecurity and shyness just multiplied post sending you photos? Her self esteem was high enough to send you the set of photos, but now it suddenly went so low that live photos are out of the question?

 

You might have white gloves on...but I have a bottle of Ketchup to sell you.

 

Here's food for thought. If a person is going to invest their time and emotion into another person, I think the least that the OTHER person can do..is furnish proof of their existence. It is not in any way unreasonable to ask for a live photo or webcam session. Especially, since sending pictures can be faked so very easily...sending live photo (the selfie) or spending a few minutes on cam is not to much to ask.

 

Furthermore, does this woman have no income? Because October was 3 months ago and the technology to go on cam is rather cheap so it would also be reasonable to assume the person would go out and have purchased replacement by now.

 

You can allow this woman to keep lying to you if it makes you feel better, but at some point you'll run out of runway for the lies.

 

I pushed and i pushed and tried my best in every way to get her to videochat and get pictures. And those last pictures were 3 years ago. And alot has happened in that time. She doesn't have much money no. As she must also pay for her mum and are caretaking for her, she pays both rent and food. But i know i'm stretched as far as it goes and close to the end of the line. I get your points. But with just bringing it up with her a day ago and she said within februar, which gave her 25 days from now it's either way a indicator what will be the result. As stated earlier, if she comes with another excuse im ending all contact because she cant go on like that. Lately i feel her words are just empty of meaning also because of all this, even how much sweet things she would say they cease to mean so much because of everthing i start to feel.

[oleggy]

She's hiding something, for sure. There's no reason why - after nearly 10 years of communicating - she couldn't show you who she actually is unless she's got something to hide.

 

Until you see her live on camera, do not believe that you know who she really is. I would no way in hell be planning any sort of future with someone who can't bring themselves to video chat with me even once in the all the years I've known them. She's ok to talk about relationships and kids, but freaks when you ask for a selfie or Skype/cam chat? No.

 

OP, this is ass-backwards and I think you know it. Tell her to cut the BS now or walk away. It's a waste of time otherwise.

 

Agreed and i tried over and over to get rid of the bs. As for what she's hiding, i think it could be that shes not satisfied with how she looks. She has told me three months ago that she gained 15 kg, but month ago that it was back down thanks to lots of dieting and stuff. But there's something off, i know. I try blaming mental issues, but i won't know just yet. And as i brought it up yesterday, i feel bad if i ask again tomorrow, as she said within februar :/

[hoping2heal]

I pushed and i pushed and tried my best in every way to get her to videochat and get pictures. And those last pictures were 3 years ago. And alot has happened in that time. She doesn't have much money no. As she must also pay for her mum and are caretaking for her, she pays both rent and food. But i know i'm stretched as far as it goes and close to the end of the line. I get your points. But with just bringing it up with her a day ago and she said within februar, which gave her 25 days from now it's either way a indicator what will be the result. As stated earlier, if she comes with another excuse im ending all contact because she cant go on like that. Lately i feel her words are just empty of meaning also because of all this, even how much sweet things she would say they cease to mean so much because of everthing i start to feel.

 

If she can't afford a webcam because she is so strapped for cash, then she isn't going to have the money to spend the summer with you either. The fact that the words are becoming meaningless is indication that deep down, you know she is lying to you. It's always another day, another time..and then when that time passes she's got another excuse. Come on!

[TigerLilly78]

This doesn't sound right to me. If you have known of each other for over a decade and are talking about kids and a future then I cannot understand how you would not have at least skyped yet.

 

This I find it odd you have knowen this person for this long and never seen her on a web cam? even I had seen my bf on cam before we met and we had only known each other for under a year..my first instinct shes gained weight since the last pic she sent you..

[oleggy]

This I find it odd you have knowen this person for this long and never seen her on a web cam? even I had seen my bf on cam before we met and we had only known each other for under a year..my first instinct shes gained weight since the last pic she sent you..

 

Like mentioned in many of the replies and main post. She has gained weight, but she got it back down thanks to diet. I try my best to be positive and believe as much as i can in this. But as shes so insecure, shy, low self esteem and pessimistic as **** and suffering with depressions from time to time makes it quite complicated. And im getting closer and closer to believing catfish even i don't want to. And as i already asked yesterday and pushed her hard and she saying sorry and within februar i cant quite push her for at least a week or two on it.

[oleggy]

If she can't afford a webcam because she is so strapped for cash, then she isn't going to have the money to spend the summer with you either. The fact that the words are becoming meaningless is indication that deep down, you know she is lying to you. It's always another day, another time..and then when that time passes she's got another excuse. Come on!

 

She has webcam on her laptop, but her headset with mic is broken. I know it's just another excuse to prolong everything as that was like 1 month ago and she acquired new one but she has some money but not so much so i don't know what to make of everything... but i know the summer will be good, as long as it's a fact im not being catfished and she starts videochatting with me.

[hoping2heal]

Like mentioned in many of the replies and main post. She has gained weight, but she got it back down thanks to diet. I try my best to be positive and believe as much as i can in this. But as shes so insecure, shy, low self esteem and pessimistic as **** and suffering with depressions from time to time makes it quite complicated. And im getting closer and closer to believing catfish even i don't want to. And as i already asked yesterday and pushed her hard and she saying sorry and within februar i cant quite push her for at least a week or two on it.

 

What changes in February? I apologize if you've already given the reason why February is the magic month.

[ExpatInItaly]

Like mentioned in many of the replies and main post. She has gained weight, but she got it back down thanks to diet. I try my best to be positive and believe as much as i can in this. But as shes so insecure, shy, low self esteem and pessimistic as **** and suffering with depressions from time to time makes it quite complicated. And im getting closer and closer to believing catfish even i don't want to. And as i already asked yesterday and pushed her hard and she saying sorry and within februar i cant quite push her for at least a week or two on it.

 

So why February? What's going to happen within the next few weeks that she'll suddenly be ready to show you who she is?

 

I still think she's hiding something big. Sorry OP, but I would not allow myself to be strung along anymore. I would tell her to contact you when she is ready to be honest and open, and cut ties in the meanwhile. It's beyond ridiculous now.

[ExpatInItaly]

She has webcam on her laptop, but her headset with mic is broken. I know it's just another excuse to prolong everything as that was like 1 month ago and she acquired new one but she has some money but not so much so i don't know what to make of everything... but i know the summer will be good, as long as it's a fact im not being catfished and she starts videochatting with me.

 

So if she has a webcam that works, she can at least appear on Skype, for example. You could do a IM-type chat, she wouldn't need to actually speak. But you could at least see her live. I think she will dodge this too though.

[TigerLilly78]

Like mentioned in many of the replies and main post. She has gained weight, but she got it back down thanks to diet. I try my best to be positive and believe as much as i can in this. But as shes so insecure, shy, low self esteem and pessimistic as **** and suffering with depressions from time to time makes it quite complicated. And im getting closer and closer to believing catfish even i don't want to. And as i already asked yesterday and pushed her hard and she saying sorry and within februar i cant quite push her for at least a week or two on it.

 

Yeah there is I gained 10 pounds and then there is I gained 50-100 or more you said the last time you saw a current pic was what 3 years ago? a women with depression or other mental health issues can gain alot of weight in that amount of time.

 

The fact shes brought it up saying how much shes lost and so on to me means its a significant issue there. So let me ask you this do you care if shes quite overweight? I would go off of assuming she is now since she will not be upfront and open.

 

Ask yourself if you could accept that? if not then prob best to stop trying to get blood from a stone end things as shes just not wiling to be open and honest cause at the end of the day one can only work off of how much the other is willing to be honest about things in a relashionship..