My Story - !

[thatsidechick]

I feel like it was time to find some kind of support.. so I want to tell my story and hope that anyone who has had a similar situation can tell me what to do or what can I expect - but irregardless it's getting to be too much and I need to let it all out.

 

I'm a 25 year old woman, who was married to my husband for two years. Recently, we have decided to get divorced (nothing to do with the current situation - we have had out issues separate from this). The guy I am seeing is a co-worker of mine and is 42. He is not legally married but has been with what he likes to refer to sometimes as his "roommate" sometimes his "wife" sometimes simply just "her". He has three kids with her, 17, 15 and 7. We have been seeing each other for about six months, and have already been physical. Recently we started talking about him leaving her (they had been having problems) so I asked him why he doesn't just leave. He tells me because he wants to make sure that his kids will be financially stable. This in itself does not make sense to me. He would be paying child support of course - and is on an income-based rent program, which if he got off the lease, would go based on her income (she does not work so it would be extremely low - she does have an income I am just not sure from what source). That makes me question if he is serious about leaving.

 

Somedays he treats me like I mean the world to him. Other days it's like I don't exist. It seems like there is always some excuse of why he can't be there for me when I need him and is only there when it is convenient for him. Somehow I can't walk away, I KNOW I deserve more than this but I fell so completely in love with him that even to not speak to him for a few hours kills me.

 

We argue all the time now about him leaving, disagree on the amount of time/dates that we spend together. We have spend two nights together (overnight) and are spending another one this month (for his birthday) together. I want to spend Valentine's night with him too but he says that his sons birthday is the day before so he can't tell me that yet.

 

More on "her" as I stated, they have issues. They don't tell each other they love each other - they don't sleep in the same bed (or so he tells me) - and they haven't been intimate in months (don't know whether to believe this one or not).

 

He claims he has been honest with me about everything but I don't want to be a second choice anymore. I want it to be me and him and that's it. (Obviously he would still support and see his kids) but I don't want him to be with her anymore and he tells me as soon as the kids are stable he is going to leave and we will get our own place and be together. I ask him for a time and he says he can't give me one.

 

Things got so bad this weekend (I guess me freaking out about the holidays) and the fact that we were supposed to spend New Years Day overnight together and he ended up having to go to the hospital with his daughter because she was sick.. we ended up fighting a lot. He was then going to spend last night with me, but then "she" ended up saying that he owed her a night out from the last time he stayed out. So, she went out and he ended up having to stay home with the kids. We've been fighting for the past two days about this and I ended up telling him I was going to leave all of the letters I wrote that I have been "holding" for him and the necklace that he gave me on his desk at work tomorrow - that I was done. He begged and pleaded with me to talk to him tomorrow after work (we spend about two hours after work a night together during the week every night)

 

I don't know if I can talk to him tomorrow - I feel like I'll wind up screaming for everything that he is putting me through. I feel like I'm sitting here waiting for something that is never going to happen - but then when I am in his arms it makes that all go away and I feel like I wait for a reason and everything will turn out okay.

 

I've never been so happy before in my life, and I've never been so miserable before in my life. I just want those times that he chooses to make me feel special to be an everyday thing like I deserve.

 

Advice??

 

Added* Forgot to mention that I STRONGLY considered outing all of this to "her" because I thought it was completely over and just didn't care at the time. Anyone have any experience with that?

Edited January 5, 2015 by thatsidechick
Forgot a detail.

[sunburned]

The good news is from your screen name and some of what you wrote, you seem to have some idea of your place: Side dish. But you are also young and naive ("everything is OK when I'm in his arms.") Your story is frustrating and heartbreaking to you and I am sorry. But it is a menu staple on this forum. You don't know if they're sleeping together, you don't know if they say I love you. You've already fleshed out the staying for the kids and the rent control BS. Do you even know for certain if he's "legally" married? Everything you know about "her" is filtered through "him" and he has proven to be a pretty unreliable source.

 

You should be happy you aren't stuck with him. He's a liar and a cheater. You're getting angry at him for taking his daughter to the hospital. You're "miserable," "freaking out," "screaming," being treated like "I don't exist," "fighting," "second choice." I could go on, using your own words. What do you get out of this secret relationship?

 

He's probably impressed with himself for sleeping with a younger, hotter woman. I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like he is going to leave "her." So leave him.

[Quiet Storm]

You want to replace his "wife", but he only wants a supplement. He will take what you are offering up, for as long as you are willing to give it.

 

You say you know you deserve better, but you keep accepting this. Your actions don't match your words. This sends the message to MM that you aren't worthy. Because if you can't even stick up for your own self, then why would you expect him to have your best interests at heart?

 

He likes you, but doesn't value the connection enough to leave his family.

[bathtub-row]

As long as you're with a person who's involved with someone else, this is what you must deal with. You are not his significant other and the sooner you wrap your head around that, the better. If you can't accept that, then you need to end things with him because it will destroy your relationship with him. And please understand that HE isn't doing anything to you -- you're doing it to yourself by being in this situation. You chose to get involved with him under these circumstances, so acting all self-righteous is like closing the barn door after the cow has gotten out.

 

I would also warn you to be very careful about attempting to coerce or force someone into a decision. Because if he leaves his "wife" because you pressured him, then it will be you he blames for it down the road. This has to be his decision and his alone. Your only voice in this should be whether you want to stick around and deal with these circumstances, or do you want to leave?

 

The "but I love him" excuse doesn't fly in this situation. All it's doing is creating confusion for you, and keeping you from making the best choice for yourself. I will say two things about this that I doubt you'll listen to, but will say them anyway -- first of all, he's too old for you and he knows it. Secondly, you lost a lot of bargaining power with him when you decided to sleep with him. Your best bet would be to stop seeing him and stop sleeping with him until he at least moves out of his home. But most likely you will continue to let him plead and sweet talk his way back in. Just know that when a man knows a woman is too young for him, he will continually hesitate because he doesn't believe it will last. Now, don't waste your breath talking to him about this because he'll just deny it. There's a very, very lengthy post on this site about that very thing. The MM went back and forth for years about this. He's still with his wife.

[Poppy47]

Well said Bathub.

 

You have your head around it.

 

We put ourselves in the OW situation and then proceed to carry on about how unfair it is.

 

Poppy

[sandylee1]

Nobody should have to go through this, but you are way too young to have to deal with being a bit off fluff. You really don't know what state his relationship is in and can't take his word for anything.

 

I honestly believe you deserve better, however why not tell him you do not want him contacting you any more while he is still with his wife. Truthfully I don't think you need the baggage of this man who is 17 years older and had 3 kids. This will be a dent on your joint income if you ever ended up together.

 

You are young and should be having fun, not being bogged down with a MM. Go out, start dating and put this down to experience. You need to do this to avoid yourself from getting hurt any further.

 

Please keep posting. Don't disappear as a lot of people here really do care.