Where to go from here?

[Mikita]

Well, I fell in love with someone really great online. We emailed for ages, then got on to messenger, and we have spoken on the phone a whole load of times. In fact it has been me that has called more often, but when you can and you want to talk and you're in love, it's hard to resist.

 

He is your tall, handsome, American airman, blonde, blue eyes, lovely smile, wonderful voice, sexy laugh. So affectionate when he is being affectionate, and said all the right things, without it seeming to be unrealistic, because I felt exactly the same way. Started off as just emailing, with life stories, musical preference (we share the same weird taste in music) all sorts of things, then on messenger we were able to talk about more stuff and find random stuff on the net to share, and on the phone it was great because, well it just was. But I was being kind of difficult, I felt like something was wrong and I didn't know how to deal with it so started reading too much into stuff and probably seeming like I was paranoid. I think I was being suffocating, and he did say a couple times that I was. But that's ok, because he can suffocate me with grandiose plans, and putting me up on a pedestal, and I didn't say a word, I didn't let it bother him, and I didn't get mad.

 

He disappeared over christmas and then emailed me on boxing day with the worst news I could never wish to get. So I was going out of my mind with worry, and trying to contact him again, and eventually I did, and everything went fine again. Every time we talked on the phone we said I love you always at the end of the conversation, and sometimes inbetween. It was a dream come true for me. But now it is over, and seemingly very much so. But apparently we are restarting as friends, at his own request, and I want it to be so too. But I believe he is going to just lose all contact with me when he goes back to the states. I don't want that to happen, after all I have vested all my emotions in this man, I want so much to be with him, and he was the first to say that I am amazing, that I am what he believes he has been looking for, and I am not to be passed by. But that is in the past, though it still means a lot to me.

 

I can tell when he is edgy. But I called him today, and for the first time in all the time we have been in a relationship, he raised his voice at me and shut the phone down on me.

 

I admit it was bad timing for me to call, I could have waited to speak to him when it wasn't 12 midnight where he is, but I don't know when I am going to get to speak to him, I have so much I still need to talk with him about before I never get that chance for god knows how long. I don't like waking him up, but then I don't like being promised the world and then having it shunted away from me because he has bipolar and believes he is having a negative impact on me. I still believe that what we both wanted could happen, but I feel like I am the one that is blowing all chance of any kind of friendship, because he never does anything wrong, of course.

 

I would have happily gone to hell and back for him, in fact I already have. I would have done so much for him, I wanted to be the constant in his life, I wanted to be the one he returned back to at the end of the day. I appreciate all his efforts before the **** went down, but if he is still serious then there is no reason why we cannot make plans for the later future, when we have sorted out whatever we need to sort out (in his case, settling back in US, on my part, getting work and my independence back).

 

But now it's like I don't exist, I am some major asstick that bothers him. Instead if being this wonderful woman that he really loves I have downgraded to this small, young thing that feels so unwanted once more, despite only want ing to do stuff for him, only wanting him to be here like he promised all those months ago.

 

I feel so disposable that I would kill myself if my better thinking didn't constantly crop up to say, he isn't worth killing yourself over.

 

I am twenty years old goddamit. I am not a child, I am not like all the other girls, in fact he is lucky to have someone who wants to make an effort. But it's not like he has said he doesn't love me, just that for reasons I won't mention here right now, we can't be together. So there we have it. A lost relationship for reasons rediculous.

 

We could be perfect for one another, this could actually be the experience we both need, two people who should be together, but won't because of stupid distance, adn particular circumstances.

 

I love him so badly, but it seems like he has given up on me, let me go.

 

I feel so ****ing stupid, like I have acted like a completely different person to what I am, but he won't ever know that, because all he has seen me is as a weak person.

 

But there is more to it than that.

 

I just don't know where to start.

[clynn]

have you ever met him in person?

[Mikita]

I haven't, but he promised to meet me this year, around july time, so we were working up to that, and I was really looking forward to it. But now that chance is gone, unless I do something myself. And I don't know when that will be, or even if the contact will still be there. I wish it would but that is up to him. I try and call, but nowadays he is hardly available. It's like I don't exist to him outside of being a name.