How to interpret his behaviour, is ex's interest being rekindled - anyone?

[eastern_mystique]

Hey,

 

I inivited my ex-b/f over to my place last night to hang out and watch a film.

 

Quick background info: he broke up with me about 4 weeks ago, said that he didn't feel the same anymore. The impression I get is that the relationship was too much pressure for him (and/or I rushed him too much) and he folded like origami. Also, a few days after our breakup he told me he liked a new girl, so perhaps there was an element of "is the grass is greener" - although he told me a few days ago that's he found out this girl is back with her b/f and that she's something of an insecure, compulsive liar and not a nice person (which I told him all along, but was waiting for him to figure out).

Anyway, I'm digressing. We've remained really close friends since. On St. Patrick's Day he invited me out with him and a friend to go drinking, and we both got fairly drunk and ended up making out. We weren't so drunk that we didn't know what we were doing - we both enjoyed it and could remember it the next day. As for getting back together, he told me that it was still 'too soon' and that as fun as the kissing was, it didn't mean anything, i.e that it didn't mean he wants me back. My overall feeling is that he still likes me, but doesn't want to be with me at the moment.

 

So, a few days ago I asked him if he'd like to come over on Saturday to watch a film and he said that sounded good, but didn't give me a solid 'yes' until last night at 8pm, after which he shortly came over.

 

We had a really nice time (he'd done his hair and put cologne on before coming, which made me wonder who is he trying to impress?). We watched the film, which he liked, but we spent most of it talking and laughing so we didn't pay loadsa attention to it. Afterwards we went up to my room for about 20 minutes to wait until his dad picked him up. He was really tired so he lay on my bed and closed his eyes. I ran my hands through his hair a few times to annoy him - he never used to let me touch his hair when we were going out - but he didn't mind this time. He was quite playful as well, pretending to punch me and we briefly touched hands. At one point we were sitting really close to each other, so close that I could feel his breath on my face. Surely he wouldn't have sat so close if he felt uncomfortable around me? He also said that he had printed out a photo of the two of us from his birthday (when we were still dating). I tried to play it down and said, oh it's okay I don't want a picture, but he said he really wants me to have it and has written my name on the back of it. And he said that he wants to take a picture of me on my phone, because his friends who he goes out with sometimes want to see what I look like - even though he has a picture of me already on his phone (plus we're not going out anymore, why would his friends care?). Before he left he said that if I want to talk to him I could call him tomorrow (which is today).

 

In any case, I'm not gonna contact him for a week and a half (and only to invite him out for my birthday). He will probably call/SMS me in this time, so I'm not too worried. I feel like my plan is starting to fall into place, muahahaha.....

 

So things went well. I managed to have enough self-control to not come on to him (and believe me, that was hard) So I was wondering, does all this mean he still likes me? I know he's not ready to try again right now, but are these good signs for the future, or am I just overanalysing all this? I don't think he's the flirtatious type - he didn't flirt with me before we were dating, so does it mean he's still attracted/interested? All comments welcome (the more postitive, the better, lol).

[LucreziaBorgia]

My overall feeling is that he still likes me, but doesn't want to be with me at the moment.

 

Welcome to the world of "friends with benefits." Will it lead back to your relationship? Probably not, if all he has to look forward to are those things he left to begin with. This type of relationship allows him to enjoy all the benefits of having a relationship with you without any of the hassles that caused him to break it off with you in the first place. This works for him, and he can only assume it works for you - since you are going along with it. Why on earth would he want to change something that works out so well for him or go back to a relationship when he gets what he wants without having to actually be in a relationship?

 

You'll have to decide how 'ok' you are with this arrangement and let him know how you really feel about it. If you are not ok with this arrangement, you'll need to end it and let him know that you are interested in being his 'girlfriend', not his 'fwb' - and then you'll need to cut off all sexual activity. Should you continue to be his friend - he is not to reap any 'girlfriend' benefits from said 'friendship'. No kissing, no making out, no holding hands, no cuddling or laying on the bed together - he shouldn't be allowed to do anything that you wouldn't let a regular friend do.

 

I'm curious as to what his reaction would be to that. Would he still be as interested in being "friends" if you denied him all those "benefits"?

[clynn]

How long were you together for?

[eastern_mystique]

Perhaps my message wasn't clear; we are just friends. Yes he was lying on my bed, but I wasn't lying next to him; I was sitting on the edge, talking to him. And he's not getting all the 'benefits' of a relationship without being in one. Apart from that one drunken evening a few weeks ago, there hasn't been any kissing, hugging, holding hands etc. It's obvious we'll always be more than friends, but we haven't set foot in the 'friends with benefits' territory yet (hopefully we won't). So he doesn't have a 'relationship' with me per se, just a close friendship.

My question was that now he's not receiving the same kind of perks and attention he had when he was with me, can his somewhat flirtatious behaviour be interpreted as his interest being reawakened? He's not the kind to send mixed signals, and he knows I won't give him anything unless we are in a relationship. I was just wondering if he starting to think about getting back with me, even if he doesn't have the intention of doing it right away.

By they way, we were together for approx. 3 months - he kind of ended it before it really got going.

[LucreziaBorgia]

There are two ways of handling it:

 

It doesn't really matter what he might be thinking or what his motives may be. What's important is what he is saying and doing right now. He is letting you know by flirting with you that he is interested in you, but he is also letting you know that he isn't interested in a relationship you right now. Let him know that you want to his girlfriend, not his 'friend while he decides what to do with you'. Then take one of two paths:

 

Passive: wait around and continue what you are doing, let him flirt and act like a boyfriend without having to be one, and hope that one day he might decide to make a relationship out of it. Let him know that you'll be there for him and support him no matter what. Eventually he'll ease you into a more dating type relationship, but he'll continue to remind you that 'he's not ready' and that you are 'just friends'. This will go on for as long as you let it. Will it lead to a relationship? Maybe, maybe not.

 

Assertive: let him know that 'friends' don't flirt, and that you would appreciate him acting like a 'just a friend' if he says that's all he wants. Flirting while keeping you at a "friends" arm's length is leading you on and feeding you potentially false hope. When he makes up his mind to be your boyfriend instead of keeping you around on the back burner he can flirt all he wants. Until then, he doesn't get to keep you waiting around on the off chance he might want to date you again. Let him know that since he's "not ready" that you will see other people until he can make up his mind. Will it lead to a relationship? Maybe, maybe not - but it gets you out of a position where you will be used as a backup plan.

 

 

Go with whichever one suits you best. I guess it all comes down to how willing you are to wait for something that may or may not happen. If you are willing to take a chance and wait - then go the passive route.