Random Apology.

[TrustedthenBusted]

So last night, after a really nice family day, the wife and I are watching TV in bed, and about to go to sleep. She lays on my chest, as usual, seems a little extra cuddly, and all of a sudden I feel a drop on my chest.

 

I ask, " Was that a tear?" She says yes.

 

I ask, " Is it because they Banned James Stewart from the 2015 Supercross season? Because that bums me out too. "

 

She says no, and says " I'm just so sorry that I F'd up our marriage. I'm really really sorry, and even as I am saying it out loud, it still sounds so meaningless. It was just such a huge and stupid mistake that I wish so badly I could take back."

 

Wow. OK. Here I just got one of those random displays of remorse, and I was caught cold. I didn't know how to respond. So I just said Thank you, and asked if there was anything else on her mind.

 

She told me about some recent triggers, and how they made her feel shameful and tainted, and I told her about how I drove by her old office, and found myself giving the whole building the stink-eye.

 

Then we had some pretty amazing sex.

 

That is all.

[Bigdaddyt]

Sounds like you are on the road to R best of luck.

[DKT3]

Had a few of those. The first one was shortly after we divorced. 3:30 am I get a call "you need to come over" my first thought "damn its an hour drive" then of course maybe its one of the kids. So I race over and she is an absolute mess. She starts talking in circles and confusing me (she was trying to give me details that I had refused to hear). Then she says "you didn't deserve that, I'm so sorry I wished I could go back" she talked for about 20 more minutes. Honestly, at the time it pissed me off. I had the talk with her some time before about letting me go. I saw this as an attempt to emotionally manipulate me. So I pulled a real D I C K move said "well, its too late to be sorry, we just have to dust ourselves off and move on to better things"

 

Had several after that, that I took for true remorse. Yeah and each time it kinda floors me because they always seem to follow good times and are totally unexpected.

[TrustedthenBusted]

They say that all the sex that some BH & WW have after d-day is "Hysterical Bonding" and it has something to do with the BH reclaiming his woman. I believe this to be true and have also had hot sex after a round of digging into her cheating and my feelings. At some primal level I think I need to reclaim my wife at that moment. It sounds like you experience the same thing.

 

I can't imagine how I would react if my wife expressed the remorse that your WW shows you. Probably something like surprise boarding on shock.

 

How are you doing with the images of her having sex with OM? What happens when you trigger now?

 

Well, I posted this because we are 5 years in, and I thought someone might like to know what is possible. As an Update, she sent me an email this morning saying thanks for listening, and that although difficult to talk about, she was glad she got the words out. Said it had really been bothering her for the last couple months.

 

Anyway, we went through all that hysterical bonding stuff years back.

 

"The sex" doesn't really bother me anymore. To me, OM is just in the same category of any other former boyfriend. Most of us have slept with other people, and so have our mates, and there is nothing spectacular about this guy. Im also in the unique position of knowing that their sex was not great. It was actually an issue.

 

So I don't trigger over the sex. I trigger over the betrayal. I trigger over the question of whether she is staying with me out of fear. I trigger over how little the kids and I must have meant to her at the time. Things like that.

 

The pain of the act of cheating has faded. It' sbeen replaced only by questions about how to move forward in a loving, trusting way now that we've got this history that we cannot ever erase.

[sandylee1]

Trusted

 

It's great to hear true remorse and I think being able to reconcile after infidelity takes a huge amount of work. In life we all make terrible mistakes and that you and other BS'S keep working on it speaks volumes about the person you are inside.

 

I know the cheating can never be forgotten, but knowing she still thinks about it and apologised is really good.

 

I hope everything continues to go well with you both.

[sidney2718]

Well, I posted this because we are 5 years in, and I thought someone might like to know what is possible. As an Update, she sent me an email this morning saying thanks for listening, and that although difficult to talk about, she was glad she got the words out. Said it had really been bothering her for the last couple months.

 

Anyway, we went through all that hysterical bonding stuff years back.

 

"The sex" doesn't really bother me anymore. To me, OM is just in the same category of any other former boyfriend. Most of us have slept with other people, and so have our mates, and there is nothing spectacular about this guy. Im also in the unique position of knowing that their sex was not great. It was actually an issue.

 

So I don't trigger over the sex. I trigger over the betrayal. I trigger over the question of whether she is staying with me out of fear. I trigger over how little the kids and I must have meant to her at the time. Things like that.

 

The pain of the act of cheating has faded. It' sbeen replaced only by questions about how to move forward in a loving, trusting way now that we've got this history that we cannot ever erase.

 

I think that at some point you just have to take the leap off the cliff and trust again. It will have its ups and downs, but if she does nothing to bust the new trust, it will become a habit again.

 

After all, nobody knows if their spouse is going to wander one day, probably even including the spouse.

[BeholdtheMan]

OM is just in the same category of any other former boyfriend

 

Not really.

 

An ex-boyfriend is an ex-boyfriend...an affair partner is an affair partner. It's about whether your woman respected your trust...it's not about whether she's slept with other guys before dating you. Big difference.

 

...but whatever helps you sleep at night

[Satu]

No matter the history, I think you've got a good woman there.

 

I wish you all the happiness that life can give.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Not really.

 

An ex-boyfriend is an ex-boyfriend...an affair partner is an affair partner. It's about whether your woman respected your trust...it's not about whether she's slept with other guys before dating you. Big difference.

 

...but whatever helps you sleep at night

 

I'm well aware of the difference. But the question was about the sex. And I know we BS' s tend to feel like affair sex is somehow this magical transcendent thing... but it's just sex. Two people having sex. That's it. Could be good. Could be average. Could actually be bad, as was the case with my wife.

 

So I could just as easily say that you are giving affair sex too much power. OR " hey...whatever keeps you awake at night. "

 

Its too much for some people. I get that, and do not judge. For a long time i thought it was too much for me too. But over time those feelings faded, and when I think about it now, it just seems like less of a big deal. I'm upset that she did it, but I'm not staying awake at night thinking about something that she herself would rather forget.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I think that at some point you just have to take the leap off the cliff and trust again. It will have its ups and downs, but if she does nothing to bust the new trust, it will become a habit again.

 

After all, nobody knows if their spouse is going to wander one day, probably even including the spouse.

 

Yep. We had that conversation that night too. She said she felt like I would never trust her again 100% I told her that one of the unfortunate side effects of an affair is that it opens ones eyes to how rampant it really is, and to all of the many reasons affairs sometimes happen to otherwise happy couples.

 

I told her that I don't worry about her, and hope that she'd never do that to us again, but I stopped short of telling her that I have 100% trust.

 

I told her that all we can do is be 100% honest with each other about what we need an want, and be 100% committed to giving the other what we can and go from there.

 

We decided that were going to have weekly talks like we used to back in MC. Nothung too heavy. Just gonna walk the dog together and go over any thoughts that came up throughout the week. Triggers, regrets, sex, whatever. Hopefully we will also talk about the good things that happened that week as well. Because it's SO easy to gloss over how much fun we actually have together.

[TrustedthenBusted]

No matter the history, I think you've got a good woman there.

 

I wish you all the happiness that life can give.

 

Thank you very much. I appreciate that. She is a good woman and a great mother. She's got some issues to contend with, but this whole process has forced her to deal with them and she is working hard to redeem herself.

 

Oddly, I think she wants to redeem herself in her own eyes, as much as mine. And I like that.

 

As hurt as I was, I also recognize that it cannot be easy for a waward spouse who really wants to fix things. They have to tolerate a lot and keep their heads up.

[sandylee1]

...but whatever helps you sleep at night

 

This is usually directed to people who have done wrong where I come from.

 

At the end of the day unless you want to torture yourself with visions, human nature is to protect yourself.

[beatcuff]

"I'm just so sorry that I F'd up our marriage. I'm really really sorry, and even as I am saying it out loud, it still sounds so meaningless. It was just such a huge and stupid mistake that I wish so badly I could take back."

 

 

at first I was 'this is great'. but after 5 years of R (or am I mistaken) it seems odd she would STILL be saying the 'bold'. it almost if she is still beating herself up for her mistake. maybe I am overreacting, it appears she has NOT moved forward in R. fine she is doing the right things but not thinking the right things.

 

 

BTW I would not have these concerns in year 1 or 2.

[TrustedthenBusted]

at first I was 'this is great'. but after 5 years of R (or am I mistaken) it seems odd she would STILL be saying the 'bold'. it almost if she is still beating herself up for her mistake. maybe I am overreacting, it appears she has NOT moved forward in R. fine she is doing the right things but not thinking the right things.

 

 

BTW I would not have these concerns in year 1 or 2.

 

I can see that. But I guess you had to be there. It was really more of a nice acknowledgement that the word sorry still doesn't even begin to cover it.

 

R has no finish line. She will never NOT feel bad about what she did, just like I will never NOT be disappointed that she did it. So when the feelings come up, you share them and process them and move on. If you can do that and maintain a loving g, supportive relationships. ...to me, that's R

[badkarma2013]

I can see that. But I guess you had to be there. It was really more of a nice acknowledgement that the word sorry still doesn't even begin to cover it.

 

R has no finish line. She will never NOT feel bad about what she did, just like I will never NOT be disappointed that she did it. So when the feelings come up, you share them and process them and move on. If you can do that and maintain a loving g, supportive relationships. ...to me, that's R

 

 

I agree...However if you trigger,have self esteem issues and are anixous and undone most of the time...that is not R ...that is Hell...

 

Most BHs i have encountered refused to move forward with marriage after WWs A...

 

I am not against R and proud for those when it works ...But have seen very FEW work..Even fewer that stayed that are happy...

[TrustedthenBusted]

I agree...However if you trigger,have self esteem issues and are anixous and undone most of the time...that is not R ...that is Hell...

 

Most BHs i have encountered refused to move forward with marriage after WWs A...

 

I am not against R and proud for those when it works ...But have seen very FEW work..Even fewer that stayed that are happy...

 

Keep in mind..the ones that do not work out are generally very public.

 

The ones who do work it out and regain happiness are generally private.

 

If you met my wife and I in 10 years, you'd never know we had survived it. Nobody does.

 

I bet you know more R'd couples that you think.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I didn't care then and I don't care now whether or not it was "good" sex. She has told me it wasn't good but I would never believe something like that from her or any other WW. Anyway, the sex to me is really about the fact that she did it. She touched him, he touched her, they did oral, they had intercourse - all of that. She vowed to never do that - to be faithful to me - when we got married and I believed her. Its the worst stab-in-the-back betrayal possible and, to me, it is unforgivable. I accept it and see the things she has done to prove she is not that same person, but I will never forgive.

 

Well you certainly don't have to forgive. Although it seems like a lonnnnnng time to carry all that around.

 

The way I see it is I get one life to live, and I'm already likely more than halfway through it. I want to do the second half carrying as little baggage as possible.

[sandylee1]

at first I was 'this is great'. but after 5 years of R (or am I mistaken) it seems odd she would STILL be saying the 'bold'. it almost if she is still beating herself up for her mistake. maybe I am overreacting, it appears she has NOT moved forward in R. fine she is doing the right things but not thinking the right things.

 

 

BTW I would not have these concerns in year 1 or 2.

 

It takes 2-5 years to heal from a betrayal, so the same could be said of how the WS feels too in terms of time.

[gettingstronger]

My husband also apologizes randomly when things are really, really good- Over the holiday all of us were hanging out and enjoying being a family-that night he sobbed and thanked me for even trying to reconcile, seeing our boys and hanging out as a family really hit home for him and how incredibly lucky he is to still be part of our lives-

[HereNorThere]

For me, it would be too little, too late, but of you're taking her back, I guess it's better than nothing.

 

The problem with apologizes is that they are rarely intended to make the other person feel better. Instead, they're more about preserving the ego of the perpetrator. It's sort of like a person on death row for murder finding god or a little kids saying "What, why are you crying? I said I was SORRY!"

 

But yeah, better than nothing.

[TrustedthenBusted]

For me, it would be too little, too late, but of you're taking her back, I guess it's better than nothing.

 

The problem with apologizes is that they are rarely intended to make the other person feel better. Instead, they're more about preserving the ego of the perpetrator. It's sort of like a person on death row for murder finding god or a little kids saying "What, why are you crying? I said I was SORRY!"

 

But yeah, better than nothing.

 

What a crappy attitude. Really.

 

Have you never been truly sorry for something? Ever had to apologize to anybody? Ever felt truly remorseful over something you did wrong?

 

Did you apologize simply to preserve your own ego?

 

If you say yes, that makes you a liar. If you say no, that makes you a hypocrite. So which is it...liar or hypocrite?

 

 

 

See...There is a world of difference between saying Sorry on D-Day because you are freaking out, and saying it again 5 years later after you realize, as gettingstronger said, that you've been given a real gift in a second chance that you truly appreciate.

 

My wife....the mother of my children... and building a life together as a family after a series of horrible choices is not "better than nothing."

[TrustedthenBusted]

My husband also apologizes randomly when things are really, really good- Over the holiday all of us were hanging out and enjoying being a family-that night he sobbed and thanked me for even trying to reconcile, seeing our boys and hanging out as a family really hit home for him and how incredibly lucky he is to still be part of our lives-

 

Yep. Because you don't know what you got til it's gone....unless you get a second chance. : )

[HereNorThere]

What a crappy attitude. Really.

 

Have you never been truly sorry for something? Ever had to apologize to anybody? Ever felt truly remorseful over something you did wrong?

 

Did you apologize simply to preserve your own ego?

 

If you say yes, that makes you a liar. If you say no, that makes you a hypocrite. So which is it...liar or hypocrite?

 

 

 

See...There is a world of difference between saying Sorry on D-Day because you are freaking out, and saying it again 5 years later after you realize, as gettingstronger said, that you've been given a real gift in a second chance that you truly appreciate.

 

My wife....the mother of my children... and building a life together as a family after a series of horrible choices is not "better than nothing."

 

 

Wait, it gets worse.

 

See, I actually do think that normal, healthy people are capable of sincere apologies, just not narcissistic people who have no problem cheating on the co-parent of their children and putting their future in jeopardy.

 

From my research and experience, you don't just change personality types. This is why most therapists refuse to treat people with personality disorders.

 

And yes, in my life I've lied, been a hypocrite, all of those things. However, I've never even come close to causing the amount of destruction your wife has. It's kinda silly to compare me to her because I am simply not capable of hurting children or my spouse in this manner. Lol, I can barely handle the guilt of lying about the leaving the room to fart.

[Jkidding]

Sex with a tear! Its classic :-) though sometimes its hard to tell is tear for you or for her or even somebody else. Sorry i am being poisonous. I just dont trust women anymore. Most of them. Gl with your recovery

[lovinDKT3]

So last night, after a really nice family day, the wife and I are watching TV in bed, and about to go to sleep. She lays on my chest, as usual, seems a little extra cuddly, and all of a sudden I feel a drop on my chest.

 

I ask, " Was that a tear?" She says yes.

 

I ask, " Is it because they Banned James Stewart from the 2015 Supercross season? Because that bums me out too. "

 

She says no, and says " I'm just so sorry that I F'd up our marriage. I'm really really sorry, and even as I am saying it out loud, it still sounds so meaningless. It was just such a huge and stupid mistake that I wish so badly I could take back."

 

Wow. OK. Here I just got one of those random displays of remorse, and I was caught cold. I didn't know how to respond. So I just said Thank you, and asked if there was anything else on her mind.

 

She told me about some recent triggers, and how they made her feel shameful and tainted, and I told her about how I drove by her old office, and found myself giving the whole building the stink-eye.

 

Then we had some pretty amazing sex.

 

That is all.

 

I can't speak for your wife in that moment, but the general feeling is understanding how close you've come to losing someone that honestly means so much to you. I know many will say if you really cared you wouldn't have done it. I won't go into my reasons, but it was never for a lack of love.

 

Watching him with the kids, or when he looks at me the way he use to all the time just melts my heart. In our case sometimes reading his posts here when the pain comes through. Seeing him stumble over calling me his "wife or I mean ex-wife". Having him hoover over me as the pregnancy comes to an end. Watching his mood change out of the blue, knowing that something about my affair creeps into his mind. All these things gives me the urge to just grab him tightly and let him know how sorry I am for what I've done to all of us.