Random Apology.

[sandylee1]

I strongly disagree...When your WW made the CHOICE ..not mistake..choice..to Lie.Decieve and Betray..YOU and have sex with the OM..YOU LOST whatever you thought had at that moment...Your marriage at that moment died..whether you will admit it or not....you may have a PLAN B marriage now but your Plan A marriage is dead and gone..

 

That what R is Plan B..... What i think you are failing to realize is that for MANY BHs here infidelity is and was a DEALBREAKER...All of us have a dealbreaker and that was mine as well....

 

My college rooomate caught his WW with OM as well as other proof...They are in their 2ND year of R..His WW is is doing everything in her power to help him heal.....Doing the WW script to a tee...HE TRIGGERS still..has self esteem and huge doubts (insercurites) with himself and WW 2 YEARS later...

I expect he will NEVER recover from this and do you have a guess as to why??

 

No matter what she does ..no matter how good of a W NOW she is....She can NEVER EVER unfu@k the OM ..EVER....

 

Good sex ..bad sex...2 times or 200 times...My WW made a choice ....Her mistake was thinking she could come home after a 8month- 12 month FUC&FESt with her Boss/OM cry and say im sorry and do some pentance and that would be it..She and the OM learned a HARD lesson...

 

I exposed him to his wife and sued their company....they were both fired ....His BW destroyed him in his D....He gave me a flash drive with pics of her with him on it...(in revenge for me outing him to his BW...

 

Her family begged me for proof...she had lead them to believe i was having the A...They called a me a GODDA%N liar .....i warned them they did not want to see the proof...as it may break them....They insisted ...and we all got what we asked for...yes, it did break them ( as it did me)...but they were warned....

 

Now i never trigger ,,cry or have any issues...she does not exist to me...

 

 

A bad choice can often be described as a terrible mistake.

Even keeping with the word choice. .......you decide if the good outweighs the bad and whether you can make amends.

 

Not everyone is capable of doing that. It's a personal choice. Sometimes the choice to reconcile can be a mistake.

 

 

 

But sometimes in life, you need to let it go (but not forget) and move on.

Many women (and men) may say if their spouse was violent to them they would leave. In reality that doesn't happen. Everyone reacts diffently and forgiveness is an admirable quality.

[DKT3]

I see so much in your story that is what I am currently facing. But I have yet to reach DDAY year 2. So your posts are giving me an interesting glimpse of a potential future me. I thank you for that.

 

Im worried about this plan B talk though. What if you marriage wasn't so bad? What if you could have had your garage sessions AND a wonderful connected marriage. What if the marriage was Plan A but someone came along and got your WS thinking Plan A++?

 

You see I think it's all relative. Someone's Plan A is another man's plan C. Or someone's plan D is another man's plan A.

 

For me, the only way to think in these terms, and here I'm looking for reflection, because, as I said, I am only past year 1.5... I don't think, at some basic level, it matters what the marriage "looked like" (or more likely "how we reinvented who we think it looked like post DDAY" (I can tell you there are some serious selective memories of a marriage post DDAY and I don't think they always help) because what DIED for me is ME. I DIED and what died with me was an unconditional trust and love for my WS.

 

So I'm not looking for a plan A or B, that is what she was thinking about testing the waters of a single OM. Im trying to discover how to be in love with a person without the unconditional part, because that is the part that cost me the most.

 

People behave more affectionately in times of crises. I don't need a marriage that is an implosion of all of my emotional resources into the "two of us" so that we become "one". There is nothing wrong with me having a great time with the guys, and her with the gals. There is nothing wrong with having strong healthy connections with the outside world. The trick is to have both.

 

Ill take the implosion - it's just you and me babe - when the apocalypse comes and we are at the end of the world and alone and need only to have each other to have and to hold unto death. Marriage is hard. But it does not have to suffocate us to get there.

 

When there is a shadow of a third in the relationship of two, this is when Plan A and Plan B emerge. And in my case it has no redeeming value. It's counter productive to me. I've never been big on making my journey following a map, and I cannot see how I am going to save a marriage doing that either.

 

Maybe I am condemned to believing in Plan A Plan B. Maybe these are merely metaphors for what we call "unconditional love".

 

I agree with what your saying, however its all semantics plan A, plan B, or plan FU at some point the WS felt they had a better options or at least one equal to, and went after it. Maybe it didn't pan out the way they invisioned or maybe the opportunity cost was too high and they missed what they had. Sadly, for us betrayed spouses its something we will never know.

[autumnnight]

I agree with what your saying, however its all semantics plan A, plan B, or plan FU at some point the WS felt they had a better options or at least one equal to, and went after it. Maybe it didn't pan out the way they invisioned or maybe the opportunity cost was too high and they missed what they had. Sadly, for us betrayed spouses its something we will never know.

 

You're right. A BS will never know. At that point they have to decide what they can handle. If they know they cannot handle true recovery, then a BS with character will get out. There is no shame in divorce. There is no shame in real recovery. There is definite shame in staying and playing your morally superior trump card whenever you want to for the rest of your lives.

[jbrent890]

I agree with what your saying, however its all semantics plan A, plan B, or plan FU at some point the WS felt they had a better options or at least one equal to, and went after it. Maybe it didn't pan out the way they invisioned or maybe the opportunity cost was too high and they missed what they had. Sadly, for us betrayed spouses its something we will never know.

 

This is why I have the upmost respect for BSs that take back a cheater after an affair. That is a very tough pill to swallow. Not to make this a gender issue, but I do roll my eyes whenever I hear a WW say that she didn't want to leave the marriage. Not wanting to leave does not equal actually wanting to be there. I think it was you DKT that said even though WWs do not leave their marriage, most during their affair strongly consider doing so. Even though most BSs would never know the truth to this, I believe that would be needed for a true R to be accomplished. If I'm going to be someone's plan B, then I would rather do that on my own volition. However, one of the things I learned in IC is that the WS is also a plan B. If infedility is revealed, then the BS has that option to leave the marriage and find a new plan A partner. There are no winners once cheating is revealed. Everybody is consolation prize. Yeah the WS got to have their fun on side, but in the end everyone loses.

Edited January 8, 2015 by jbrent890

[badkarma2013]

Nobody denies that her affair was a choice. She acknowledges that it was a really horrible, selfish and stupid choice that she made without ever really thinking the consequences through until she was forced to.

 

Now that said, I don't expect you to understand how I feel. 2 years in, I was right where your college buddy is now, and I'm 5 years past wherever you were when you ended your marriage.

 

 

Listen my man...we are ALL wounded on here..You will Never find any condemnation from me for anyone who can R....

 

As I have stated for many here (I will use BHs as an example...for I am one)..Infidelity is and will always be a Dealbreaker...all of us have one...that was and is for many Bhs here the one thing we cannot come back from...

 

I have spoken many times with my college roomate who is in the 2nd year of R...He is still in Emotional Hell... I dont think he will make it..

 

As stated I have seen many BHs here and on other sites who think they can R..But go on to find Years later they still have huge issues with WWs actions and then chose to D ..after wasted years ..why?

 

I appreciate your saying your WW CHOSE to do what she did and it was not a simple mistake....Let me state now "I applaud your efforts to R "...

 

However for alot of us here and elsewhere....i will go with this statement

 

Do Not confuse Forgiveness with Reconciliation ..For They are NOT the same..

 

I wish you the best for 2015 ...Badkarma

[badkarma2013]

A bad choice can often be described as a terrible mistake.

Even keeping with the word choice. .......you decide if the good outweighs the bad and whether you can make amends.

 

Not everyone is capable of doing that. It's a personal choice. Sometimes the choice to reconcile can be a mistake.

 

 

 

But sometimes in life, you need to let it go (but not forget) and move on.

Many women (and men) may say if their spouse was violent to them they would leave. In reality that doesn't happen. Everyone reacts diffently and forgiveness is an admirable quality.

 

 

 

I knew the very second I saw the pics of my WW with her Boss/OM having sex....I knew there would never be any attempt on my part to reconcile ....

 

EVERYTHING for me stopped and changed in that instant...

 

All of us have a point at which we will take no more....and we KNOW we cannot come back from the act or acts....

 

as stated "Some hurts will Never heal and some lies and betrayals can never be forgiven or forgotten "....

[jbrent890]

Nobody denies that her affair was a choice. She acknowledges that it was a really horrible, selfish and stupid choice that she made without ever really thinking the consequences through until she was forced to.

 

Now that said, I don't expect you to understand how I feel. 2 years in, I was right where your college buddy is now, and I'm 5 years past wherever you were when you ended your marriage.

 

 

Listen my man...we are ALL wounded on here..You will Never find any condemnation from me for anyone who can R....

 

As I have stated for many here (I will use BHs as an example...for I am one)..Infidelity is and will always be a Dealbreaker...all of us have one...that was and is for many Bhs here the one thing we cannot come back from...

 

I have spoken many times with my college roomate who is in the 2nd year of R...He is still in Emotional Hell... I dont think he will make it..

 

As stated I have seen many BHs here and on other sites who think they can R..But go on to find Years later they still have huge issues with WWs actions and then chose to D ..after wasted years ..why?

 

I appreciate your saying your WW CHOSE to do what she did and it was not a simple mistake....Let me state now "I applaud your efforts to R "...

 

However for alot of us here and elsewhere....i will go with this statement

 

Do Not confuse Forgiveness with Reconciliation ..For They are NOT the same..

 

I wish you the best for 2015 ...Badkarma

 

Which is why if I my wife had an affair, I would either have to divorce or take a long separation before I can attempt to R. For me, I would have to see if there is a chance I can find happiness some place else first. If I find that I don't like what I see or I realize that I truly do want my wife, then I would give R my best shot. At that point, she will probably feel like a consolation prize, but again, there are no winners when cheating is revealed. Personally, I could not immediately decide to R once something like that is revealed. I think that may be one of the reasons why so many R's fail, people don't take the time needed to truly process the information. And no I do not expect my wife to wait for me during that period.

Edited January 8, 2015 by jbrent890

[DKT3]

You're right. A BS will never know. At that point they have to decide what they can handle. If they know they cannot handle true recovery, then a BS with character will get out. There is no shame in divorce. There is no shame in real recovery. There is definite shame in staying and playing your morally superior trump card whenever you want to for the rest of your lives.

 

Maybe there shouldn't be shame in either divorce or recovery, but believe me, there is a ton of shame in both. Maybe not from outwards, but its a horrible internal battle filled with both shame and regrets.

 

True recovery takes true effort from both sides. Its a confusing period, and I don't believe that many BS's go in thinking "I'll make them pay for this". Not all have the tools to handle this in a healthy manner. Too often each party goes in with a different set of rules and plays in the playbook from a WS thinking the BS should just get over it already to a BS thinking the WS deserves whatevery they want to throw at them. Like everything in life we have to find the compromise in that situation. We are all only human so you have to expect some, right?

[Confused48]

I exposed him to his wife and sued their company....they were both fired ....His BW destroyed him in his D....He gave me a flash drive with pics of her with him on it...(in revenge for me outing him to his BW...

 

Her family begged me for proof...she had lead them to believe i was having the A...They called a me a GODDA%N liar .....i warned them they did not want to see the proof...as it may break them....They insisted ...and we all got what we asked for...yes, it did break them ( as it did me)...but they were warned....

 

Now i never trigger ,,cry or have any issues...she does not exist to me...

 

A fairy tale ending!

[TrustedthenBusted]

I see so much in your story that is what I am currently facing. But I have yet to reach DDAY year 2. So your posts are giving me an interesting glimpse of a potential future me. I thank you for that.

 

Im worried about this plan B talk though. What if you marriage wasn't so bad? What if you could have had your garage sessions AND a wonderful connected marriage. What if the marriage was Plan A but someone came along and got your WS thinking Plan A++?

 

You see I think it's all relative. Someone's Plan A is another man's plan C. Or someone's plan D is another man's plan A.

 

Well, you can worry yourself to death with "What ifs" but I see what you're getting at. And you're right. I could be working very hard to commit to someone who someday proves unworthy or undeserving, or someone who just decides that Plan A v2.0 isn't good enough. And it's also true that some amazing woman could come along and get ME thinking about Plan B.

 

But this isn't really a new risk at all. It's one that has always been present, and will always be. We just didn't think about it the first time through, or think we'd ever be affected by it. There are no guarantees. So you commit, and you do what you think is best for yourself and your family, and if your spouse lets you down...well then THEY are the fool. Not us.

 

 

For me, the only way to think in these terms, and here I'm looking for reflection, because, as I said, I am only past year 1.5... I don't think, at some basic level, it matters what the marriage "looked like" (or more likely "how we reinvented who we think it looked like post DDAY" (I can tell you there are some serious selective memories of a marriage post DDAY and I don't think they always help) because what DIED for me is ME. I DIED and what died with me was an unconditional trust and love for my WS.

 

What we learn is that unconditional love is for puppies. We THINK we love our spouses unconditionally, until they bring on a condition that we never expected. Turns out we DO have conditions, right?

 

The selective memory thing also changes with time. Post D-Day all I heard about was what was wrong with our previous life together. These days, when we're sitting around telling stories with friends, my wife regales the crowd with stories of all the wonderful adventures we had together back then. Simply put, without the need (pressure) to drudge up the bad parts of our marriage in order to justify her stupid choices, she remember all of the good stuff. And there was a lot of it. I used to refuse to even look at pictures from that time, even if they were pictures of some of our great adventures. Because it all seemed like a lie. But now I can see those times for what they were. They were good times.

 

 

So I'm not looking for a plan A or B, that is what she was thinking about testing the waters of a single OM. Im trying to discover how to be in love with a person without the unconditional part, because that is the part that cost me the most.

 

This is very hard. And my only advice is to keep doing what you are doing. Time really does help here. When you were a senior in High School, did you really care about some boy your girlfriend hooked up with back in 8th grade? That's kind of what this will fee like someday.

 

Also, remember that you didn't actually love that person unconditionally. You trusted them completely, and that has been damaged, but you can love them with conditions today. And that condition is that they respect you 100% from this day on.

 

 

 

People behave more affectionately in times of crises. I don't need a marriage that is an implosion of all of my emotional resources into the "two of us" so that we become "one". There is nothing wrong with me having a great time with the guys, and her with the gals. There is nothing wrong with having strong healthy connections with the outside world. The trick is to have both.

 

Ill take the implosion - it's just you and me babe - when the apocalypse comes and we are at the end of the world and alone and need only to have each other to have and to hold unto death. Marriage is hard. But it does not have to suffocate us to get there.

 

When there is a shadow of a third in the relationship of two, this is when Plan A and Plan B emerge. And in my case it has no redeeming value. It's counter productive to me. I've never been big on making my journey following a map, and I cannot see how I am going to save a marriage doing that either.

 

Maybe I am condemned to believing in Plan A Plan B. Maybe these are merely metaphors for what we call "unconditional love".

 

For years I found it difficult to just live each day. I wanted guarentees. I wanted a plan. We needed to be working TOWARD something all the time, or else I felt we weren't achieving R.

 

And then other days, I just felt like I was having a good day, with people I love and enjoy being around, and there is nothing to "fix." Just accept that we had a rough time back then, got through it, and need to get back to the business of enjoying the life we've built.

 

Do I love my wife unconditionally? No. If she has another affair, she'd be pretty much dead to me.

 

Do I trust her 100%? No. She's proven fallible, and I now understand that we all are.

 

Do I worry that she'll have another affair? No. It's her choice to do that, and if she makes that choice, well, then we know what will happen.

 

Do I love her? Yes. Very much.

 

I've forgiven her affair, I've committed to doing a better job of meeting her needs and to better expressing my own. We're raising our kids together and planning an early retirement together. If it works out, great. if it doesn't, well, that'd be unfortunate. But I've lost all the sleep I plan to lose over it.

 

Disclaimer: My wife was not in some love affair with someone she viewed as Plan B. He was not anyone she'd date if she were single, and was really just a distraction from her depression. Its all documented on here somewhere.

 

Now, had she been in a real love affair, with someone she viewed as a better option than me.... that would be a whole different ball of cheddar.

[TrustedthenBusted]

A fairy tale ending!

 

Except that she does matter to him, and he IS still very angry. And there ARE still issues.

 

This isn't Facebook afterall. It's The Infidelity Forum of Loveshack where hurt angry people come damn near everyday to vent/share/advise.

[Confused48]

So I don't think what we have now is Plan B. I think it's Plan A v2.0 It's the same two people but with major bug fixes and updates security in place. It's plan A with a huge friggen Firewall around it.

 

I think going out and starting over with someone knew who HASN'T been through what we have would be Plan B.

 

Claiming people never change is ridiculous. Anyone who says that need only open their High School yearbook and have a good laugh.

 

A pretty good ending as well. Two very different but very good endings between this and badkarma's. If I could pick though, I'd pick badkarma's.

[Confused48]

this isn't facebook after all.

 

lol...............

[badkarma2013]

Except that she does matter to him, and he IS still very angry. And there ARE still issues.

 

This isn't Facebook afterall. It's The Infidelity Forum of Loveshack where hurt angry people come damn near everyday to vent/share/advise.

 

You are right ..I do have issues...I think anyone (BH) here who saw their WW in various sex acts with OM that she never did with him would have issues...

 

MY anger (IM working on it)...is entirely with MYSELF...I should have paid closer attention to the Red Flags Popping up from the time she started work....

 

Im not sure I could have stopped it...but Maybe I could have protected myself better...

 

I did what many Bhs d...I put her on a pedestal and had blind trust...My mantra was" Your wife would do that to you, but mine never would"

 

How foolish...But Never again....Today at the slightest hint of Anything that i do not like or any hint of a lie...Its goodbye [email protected] regrets..

 

My trust has been terribly wounded ...But im working on that too!

[TrustedthenBusted]

You are right ..I do have issues...I think anyone (BH) here who saw their WW in various sex acts with OM that she never did with him would have issues...

 

MY anger (IM working on it)...is entirely with MYSELF...I should have paid closer attention to the Red Flags Popping up from the time she started work....

 

Im not sure I could have stopped it...but Maybe I could have protected myself better...

 

I did what many Bhs d...I put her on a pedestal and had blind trust...My mantra was" Your wife would do that to you, but mine never would"

 

How foolish...But Never again....Today at the slightest hint of Anything that i do not like or any hint of a lie...Its goodbye [email protected] regrets..

 

My trust has been terribly wounded ...But im working on that too!

 

Totally understandable.

 

Just try to remember that you didn't do anything wrong in assuming your wife would remain faithful. In fact, you didn't even assume so...she PROMISED you that she would.

 

There is nothing wrong with trusting your spouse. It's not foolish. What's foolish is abusing such a gift when someone gives it to you. It's foolish to throw it away, because you will never get it back.

 

Being betrayed like this definitely changes us forever, and I admit to being far more jaded than I ever used to be, but it doesn't need to make us frightened or defensive people. Just better educated, and perhaps better prepared.

 

If I had to start over tomorrow, I think I'd actually be BETTER at managing a relationship than I was before. Not living in fear of being cheated on, but rather more focused on building a bulletproof relationship through better communication and total honesty. And I'f for DAMN sure notice red flags while they were still orange.

[badkarma2013]

Totally understandable.

 

Just try to remember that you didn't do anything wrong in assuming your wife would remain faithful. In fact, you didn't even assume so...she PROMISED you that she would.

 

There is nothing wrong with trusting your spouse. It's not foolish. What's foolish is abusing such a gift when someone gives it to you. It's foolish to throw it away, because you will never get it back.

 

Being betrayed like this definitely changes us forever, and I admit to being far more jaded than I ever used to be, but it doesn't need to make us frightened or defensive people. Just better educated, and perhaps better prepared.

 

If I had to start over tomorrow, I think I'd actually be BETTER at managing a relationship than I was before. Not living in fear of being cheated on, but rather more focused on building a bulletproof relationship through better communication and total honesty. And I'f for DAMN sure notice red flags while they were still orange.

 

 

 

Well said and could not agree more! You said it all (total honesty)...the First death in a Affair is the truth....

Edited January 8, 2015 by badkarma2013

[TrustedthenBusted]

Not really...

 

I have zero tolerance for cheating. I wouldn't stay up at night because I'd simply rid myself of a cheater, both mentally and physically

 

I don't know your story. Are you married? Have you had your spouse cheat on you? Do you have children?

 

I ask, because nearly 100% of people who haven't been through it say "I'd simply rid myself of a cheater." And they believe it. Until it happens.

[jm2013]

Totally understandable.

 

If I had to start over tomorrow, I think I'd actually be BETTER at managing a relationship than I was before. Not living in fear of being cheated on, but rather more focused on building a bulletproof relationship through better communication and total honesty. And I'f for DAMN sure notice red flags while they were still orange.

 

This 100000x. Couldn't have said it better myself. I think the new person would be less neglected in areas of the first falter. You live and learn I guess.

[Appreciate]

I'm not sure I agree with this. You've been able to heal OP, in part because you recovered your marriage. Your security was regained. For many BS's, there's something missing.. because they were denied the thing you now have.

 

We're naturally inclined to some element of routine in a marriage. Comfortableness, routine and being able to depend on your partner. It's a lot of what marriage is about .. cheaters violate that and so many are remorseless about it. It's as if both people become corrupted when there is no reconciliation.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I'm not sure I agree with this. You've been able to heal OP, in part because you recovered your marriage. Your security was regained. For many BS's, there's something missing.. because they were denied the thing you now have.

 

We're naturally inclined to some element of routine in a marriage. Comfortableness, routine and being able to depend on your partner. It's a lot of what marriage is about .. cheaters violate that and so many are remorseless about it. It's as if both people become corrupted when there is no reconciliation.

 

I can see this. There was a time I was pretty sure we were going to split up. My choice. At that time, I was VERY jaded, and wouldn't have trusted the next woman ( ANY new woman) any further than I could throw a piano.

 

But that wouldn't be the case today. Even if my marriage didn't work out.

 

I think it just took me this long to accept that I am not fundamentally different or corrupted by what my wife did. At least not any longer.

 

If someone lets someone else's infidelity ruin them forever....well... that is a real shame.

[sandylee1]

Mistakes are often choices we make out of poor judgment. They are choices. Errors in judgement. If the OP, as the BH, wants to view his wife's affair as a mistake it is neither wrong or delusional to do so. And nobody really can disagree with him in any valid way.

 

Sometimes people say it was a mistake to marry someone. They chose to marry that person and we don't usually argue it then. I don't think calling an affair a mistake is wrong. I think saying "it was just a mistake" or "we all make mistakes" is a minimizing tactic. I know my husband wouldn't be too impressed if I didn't view my affair as a mistake. A huge, massive screw up (mistake) on my part. Not the same as turning right instead of left.

 

Spot on. This is so well said..

[badkarma2013]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Selfish View Post

Mistakes are often choices we make out of poor judgment. They are choices. Errors in judgement. If the OP, as the BH, wants to view his wife's affair as a mistake it is neither wrong or delusional to do so. And nobody really can disagree with him in any valid way.

 

Sometimes people say it was a mistake to marry someone. They chose to marry that person and we don't usually argue it then. I don't think calling an affair a mistake is wrong. I think saying "it was just a mistake" or "we all make mistakes" is a minimizing tactic. I know my husband wouldn't be too impressed if I didn't view my affair as a mistake. A huge, massive screw up (mistake) on my part. Not the same as turning right instead of left.

 

 

Of course he would...If he viewed it for what it was (A CHOICE) to lie to him...deceive him ...and betray him....He probably could not bear to deal with you......It was im sure it was a "huge,massive screw up on your and any WSs part." But a Choice none the less...How many times could you have said NO THIS IS WRONG before you did what you did...how many?

 

You chose to continue with the A...If you wish to call the A a mistake..so be it..but if that is the case ..you made dozens if not hundreds of Mistakes before you did what you did...

 

Look im not hammering you personally ...Sometimes we view the same action with a different eye...

Edited January 8, 2015 by badkarma2013

[TrustedthenBusted]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Selfish View Post

Mistakes are often choices we make out of poor judgment. They are choices. Errors in judgement. If the OP, as the BH, wants to view his wife's affair as a mistake it is neither wrong or delusional to do so. And nobody really can disagree with him in any valid way.

 

Sometimes people say it was a mistake to marry someone. They chose to marry that person and we don't usually argue it then. I don't think calling an affair a mistake is wrong. I think saying "it was just a mistake" or "we all make mistakes" is a minimizing tactic. I know my husband wouldn't be too impressed if I didn't view my affair as a mistake. A huge, massive screw up (mistake) on my part. Not the same as turning right instead of left.

 

 

Of course he would...If he viewed it for what it was (A CHOICE) to lie to him...deceive him ...and betray him....He probably could not bear to deal with you......It was im sure it was a "huge,massive screw up on your and any WSs part." But a Choice none the less...How many times could you have said NO THIS IS WRONG before you did what you did...how many?

 

You chose to continue with the A...If you wish to call the A a mistake..so be it..but if that is the case ..you made dozens if not hundreds of Mistakes before you did what you did...

 

Look im not hammering you personally ...Sometimes we view the same action with a different eye...

 

I think we're getting hung up on my wife's ( and many othe WW's) choice of wording. But regardless of the words we use, she and I are both clear on one thing. She made the choice, over and over, and had she not been caught, would have made it again.

 

But why get hung up on the verbiage? It's really the least important factor.

 

Sure, in the beginning, she'd use the word mistake in a sentence, and I'd shout back CHOICE at the top of my lungs, and she would cry and correct herself. But that was me just punishing her because I could, to our mutual detriment.

 

I know what she did. She knows what she did. We've had countless teary conversations about what she did. At this stage, she could call it an "oopsie" and I wouldn't flinch. In fact, I might giggle at the joke.

[badkarma2013]

I think we're getting hung up on my wife's ( and many othe WW's) choice of wording. But regardless of the words we use, she and I are both clear on one thing. She made the choice, over and over, and had she not been caught, would have made it again.

 

But why get hung up on the verbiage? It's really the least important factor.

 

Sure, in the beginning, she'd use the word mistake in a sentence, and I'd shout back CHOICE at the top of my lungs, and she would cry and correct herself. But that was me just punishing her because I could, to our mutual detriment.

 

I know what she did. She knows what she did. We've had countless teary conversations about what she did. At this stage, she could call it an "oopsie" and I wouldn't flinch. In fact, I might giggle at the joke.

 

 

 

Ok im done, you are right...I agree its verbiage...but I think all of us here wounded by a WW or WH ...call it a Choice or call it a Mistake most would agree an A in a marriage is one of the most painful and destructive things that happened to us...

 

In my case there was nothing left of 2 families but crying, screaming and scorched earth.. absolute destruction ....

 

Whether one chooses to R or D...the effects and aftermath of their A will be with us always...

 

Again..I come on very strong at times...If have offended anyone here it was not my intent...If I have I apologize...

[sandylee1]

I think we're getting hung up on my wife's ( and many othe WW's) choice of wording. But regardless of the words we use, she and I are both clear on one thing. She made the choice, over and over, and had she not been caught, would have made it again.

 

But why get hung up on the verbiage? It's really the least important factor.

 

Sure, in the beginning, she'd use the word mistake in a sentence, and I'd shout back CHOICE at the top of my lungs, and she would cry and correct herself. But that was me just punishing her because I could, to our mutual detriment.

 

I know what she did. She knows what she did. We've had countless teary conversations about what she did. At this stage, she could call it an "oopsie" and I wouldn't flinch. In fact, I might giggle at the joke.

 

Definitely getting hung up on words.

 

OP - Your W gets it.

 

For some the nature of the betrayal and level of hurt makes trust for any future partner impossible. You only get one life and I wouldn't let another human being's actions leave me feeling bitter or unhappy for life. They just ain't worth it.

 

Time is a healer for this and other terrible events we may experience. In the past I found the best revenge was a cheating partner seeing me happy and getting on with my life.