Random Apology.

[badkarma2013]

Definitely getting hung up on words.

 

OP - Your W gets it.

 

For some the nature of the betrayal and level of hurt makes trust for any future partner impossible. You only get one life and I wouldn't let another human being's actions leave me feeling bitter or unhappy for life. They just ain't worth it.

 

Time is a healer for this and other terrible events we may experience. In the past I found the best revenge was a cheating partner seeing me happy and getting on with my life.

 

Well said ...sandylee1...im taking post as it was for me...badkarma thank you.

[sidney2718]

Maybe there shouldn't be shame in either divorce or recovery, but believe me, there is a ton of shame in both. Maybe not from outwards, but its a horrible internal battle filled with both shame and regrets.

 

True recovery takes true effort from both sides. Its a confusing period, and I don't believe that many BS's go in thinking "I'll make them pay for this". Not all have the tools to handle this in a healthy manner. Too often each party goes in with a different set of rules and plays in the playbook from a WS thinking the BS should just get over it already to a BS thinking the WS deserves whatevery they want to throw at them. Like everything in life we have to find the compromise in that situation. We are all only human so you have to expect some, right?

 

I agree with you. Marriage is a complex thing. We all have ego tied up in it. Nobody wants to be pointed to and hear whispers saying "Look at that person! Couldn't keep the spouse happy?

 

Worse, we know that the divorce rate goes down the older the folks are when they marry. There are probably lots of reasons for this, but one might be that older folks are under no illusion that "marriage is forever" or that "My spouse will never leave me."

 

Most older folks know that what they do or not do has an affect on their spouses and on their marriage. They anticipate problems (if they can) and they know the benefit of communication.

 

When I read the start of a thread where the wife says that she's lonesome and bored because her husband is never around to give her some relief with the kids, and the husband says that he works two jobs to keep a roof over their heads, then I know the BIG SECRET.

 

They were too young to get married. And there is not much advice we can give that will really help.

 

Essentially nobody gets married with the goal of cheating. Essentially nobody expects their spouse to have a physical affair. But it happens. The best of us try very hard to determine which outcome is best for them and then move forward with it.

 

Sometimes we don't help by telling them to "man up" or "be an alpha" or the like. Some primative and childlike urge within us wants to see blood on the ground in the case of infidelity. So sometimes we don't help either.

 

We need to be encouraging, point out possibilities the OP may have not seen, tell them that their decision doesn't in any way demean them (even though it might not work), and that they are good people even if angry.

 

Sorry for the rant.

[Confused48]

I think we're getting hung up on my wife's ( and many othe WW's) choice of wording. But regardless of the words we use, she and I are both clear on one thing. She made the choice, over and over, and had she not been caught, would have made it again.

 

But why get hung up on the verbiage? It's really the least important factor.

 

I Agree. It is semantics. I think we all are talking, in general agreement about the language, but get hung up on something a bit like spelling.

 

At this stage, she could call it an "oopsie" and I wouldn't flinch. In fact, I might giggle at the joke.

 

This is funny. My WS and I have a code for the A to protect our kids and ourselves from accidental disclosure. We call it "the one thing." For me it is the one thing I can never get over. For WS it is maybe the one thing that went wrong.

 

Ok im done, you are right...I agree its verbiage...but I think all of us here wounded by a WW or WH ...call it a Choice or call it a Mistake most would agree an A in a marriage is one of the most painful and destructive things that happened to us...

 

Yes, IMHO, there has been too much discussion of the "legal" definition of words when we all agree on the basic facts. However you should not be feeling the need to apologize. IMHO.

[TrustedthenBusted]

This is funny. My WS and I have a code for the A to protect our kids and ourselves from accidental disclosure. We call it "the one thing." For me it is the one thing I can never get over. For WS it is maybe the one thing that went wrong.

 

 

Lol. It took us a little while to come up with a term. She used to call it the "incident" to which I'd always loudly pluralize " you mean incidents?" So that wasn't going to work.

 

Then we called it the "Situation" but every time that greaseball from MTV would get mentioned, I'd trigger. Lol.

 

So now we just don't talk about it in front of the kids, and she, very adultly refers to them as "the affairs" and I'm somehow OK with that.

 

For years I even referred to OMs as "Pee Wee, Hedwig and The Tard" refusing to use their real names, because just hearing them come out of her mouth sent me into a rage.

 

But now, if it comes up, we use regular names, and just discuss things normally.