Author tikay00 Posted January 5, 2015 Author Share Posted January 5, 2015 Wholeheartedly agree. If you do work on reconciliation, know that you have to make the right changes, not be a prick, not take her for granted, get a longer fuse, etc. I think it's vital for the people in relationships to learn and improve after a breakup. If you don't change, but get back together, you're going to head down the same path that broke you up in the first place. Trust me, I've done it probably 6 times with the same woman. I also think that sometimes after someone loses a person, a light bulb can go off in their head and they realize, "I truly love him/her." It sounds like she wants it just as much as you do. I remember how distraught you were when you first came to this forum. I don't think that 3 months is long enough for people to truly change, but it's long enough to realize what went wrong and make changes to improve it. Doesn't mean you have to make those changes without her in your life. You can still work on the things that broke you up... while together. Thanks for the words, and you were one of the first posters that ever replied to one of my first posts when I first got dumped. You are so right. What's your advice? Just ride the waves, and see where it takes me? Don't over analyze everything, and don't get too attached in case this isn't what I think it is? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tikay00 Posted January 5, 2015 Author Share Posted January 5, 2015 Yeah do that, build the attraction again and what not. If it's bugging you go do something to take your mind off it for a while. Hell yeah. I'll treat this like NC, but in contact lol. When I get those urges to get all emotional, and wanting to ask her questions about us, I'll distract myself like it's NC. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jono85 Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 haven't read every single post, but what about the elephant in the room here I haven't seen addressed...she dumped her BF because she wasn't over you?? you guys have been broken up 3 months and she had a boyfriend? how quickly did she have a boyfriend? you seem to be taking all the blame for the breakup, even though she dumped you. from the outside looking in, it seems like she dumped you when there was someone else lined up that seemed better. she declared you/your relationship not good enough anymore and moved on to newer and "better" things. now that the relationship didn't work out, and the grass wasn't greener, and she's left lonely, she's coming back. i don't know man, maybe my view is twisted by my experience. but when a girl dumps you and starts a relationship with someone else, that's it. over for good. if she really cared to make things work and didn't want to give up on me she would've tried to work things out with me. instead, she was quite content to throw you out forever. this is fact. when she started a relationship with someone else she thought you guys were done forever and was excited to move on. facts. i wouldn't entertain any of this...but that's me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SoThatHappened Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 What's your advice? Just ride the waves, and see where it takes me? Don't over analyze everything, and don't get too attached in case this isn't what I think it is? Do you truly love this girl and are you willing to work on yourself to make it go the distance? Do you truly believe she loves you and will do her part to make it go the distance? If yes to both, go for it. Life is short. Not the typical advice on here, but when two people truly, truly love each other, why be apart? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Jimmyjackson Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 haven't read every single post, but what about the elephant in the room here I haven't seen addressed...she dumped her BF because she wasn't over you?? you guys have been broken up 3 months and she had a boyfriend? how quickly did she have a boyfriend? you seem to be taking all the blame for the breakup, even though she dumped you. from the outside looking in, it seems like she dumped you when there was someone else lined up that seemed better. she declared you/your relationship not good enough anymore and moved on to newer and "better" things. now that the relationship didn't work out, and the grass wasn't greener, and she's left lonely, she's coming back. i don't know man, maybe my view is twisted by my experience. but when a girl dumps you and starts a relationship with someone else, that's it. over for good. if she really cared to make things work and didn't want to give up on me she would've tried to work things out with me. instead, she was quite content to throw you out forever. this is fact. when she started a relationship with someone else she thought you guys were done forever and was excited to move on. facts. i wouldn't entertain any of this...but that's me. I see your point but if he was a bad boyfriend to her then maybe she felt that she had to leave, as someone else was being nice to her and it was new to her. Link to post Share on other sites
SoThatHappened Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 @Jono85, I can relate to what you're saying, but that's not the way the world works. People break up all the time. Sometimes they get into other relationships quickly because they're tired of being alone. Is it the right thing to do? Probably not. But that's what we humans do. Also, as tikay has already admitted, he played a big part in the failure of the relationship. I've always respected him for being honest like that. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tikay00 Posted January 5, 2015 Author Share Posted January 5, 2015 haven't read every single post, but what about the elephant in the room here I haven't seen addressed...she dumped her BF because she wasn't over you?? you guys have been broken up 3 months and she had a boyfriend? how quickly did she have a boyfriend? you seem to be taking all the blame for the breakup, even though she dumped you. from the outside looking in, it seems like she dumped you when there was someone else lined up that seemed better. she declared you/your relationship not good enough anymore and moved on to newer and "better" things. now that the relationship didn't work out, and the grass wasn't greener, and she's left lonely, she's coming back. i don't know man, maybe my view is twisted by my experience. but when a girl dumps you and starts a relationship with someone else, that's it. over for good. if she really cared to make things work and didn't want to give up on me she would've tried to work things out with me. instead, she was quite content to throw you out forever. this is fact. when she started a relationship with someone else she thought you guys were done forever and was excited to move on. facts. i wouldn't entertain any of this...but that's me. They became BF/GF 2 months post breakup. I completely get what you're saying, but I'm gonna ride this out. I'm not gonna get too attached, and treat it like she's a girl I met, and we're getting to know each other again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tikay00 Posted January 5, 2015 Author Share Posted January 5, 2015 Do you truly love this girl and are you willing to work on yourself to make it go the distance? Do you truly believe she loves you and will do her part to make it go the distance? If yes to both, go for it. Life is short. Not the typical advice on here, but when two people truly, truly love each other, why be apart? Truly love her, and yes I'm willing to work on myself. Yes, I do. I don't know yet. Yeah, life is short, and I'm gonna ride this out, and see where it goes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tikay00 Posted January 5, 2015 Author Share Posted January 5, 2015 I see your point but if he was a bad boyfriend to her then maybe she felt that she had to leave, as someone else was being nice to her and it was new to her. Pretty much this. She was never into him, and just used him to get over me. They only went out for a month. Broke up on New years. She said he said he loves her after the first week, and she didn't feel the same way at all, and couldn't tell him that back. Link to post Share on other sites
Jono85 Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 @Jono85, I can relate to what you're saying, but that's not the way the world works. People break up all the time. Sometimes they get into other relationships quickly because they're tired of being alone. Is it the right thing to do? Probably not. But that's what we humans do. Also, as tikay has already admitted, he played a big part in the failure of the relationship. I've always respected him for being honest like that. YOUR world works how you want it to work. Just b/c ppl do it all the time, doesn't have to adjust your world. The only difference between now and during those 3 months, is she's hurt and lonely. What else has changed? So he's put back into a positive light because of a terrible relationship she had? She didn't dump that guy b/c she realized she wasn't over OP, she dumped him b/c they didn't work out. OP has made up his mind and I wish him well, though. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 Pretty much this. She was never into him, and just used him to get over me. They only went out for a month. Broke up on New years. She said he said he loves her after the first week, and she didn't feel the same way at all, and couldn't tell him that back. Do you think she is just using you as a backup because her breakup was so recent? I'm worried she might just be playing with you because she's bored and is now alone. I think you need to put your cards on the table and say that you are not interested in a friendship at this time. Ask her what she is interested in right now. You can't beat around the bush with these second chances. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 Truly love her, and yes I'm willing to work on myself. Yes, I do. I don't know yet. Yeah, life is short, and I'm gonna ride this out, and see where it goes. You love her, and you believe she loves you. That's enough for me. If this were me, I would regret if forever if my wife came back in this manner and I didn't even give her a chance. At least (even if this doesn't work out - and I hope it does) you can say you gave it everything you had, worked on yourself and, if it still wasn't good enough, you can sleep better at night knowing you left all of your cards on the table. KTB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tikay00 Posted January 5, 2015 Author Share Posted January 5, 2015 Do you think she is just using you as a backup because her breakup was so recent? I'm worried she might just be playing with you because she's bored and is now alone. I think you need to put your cards on the table and say that you are not interested in a friendship at this time. Ask her what she is interested in right now. You can't beat around the bush with these second chances. I directly asked her that, and she said no. I asked her if she's just sad and lonely about the breakup, and she said not at all. Obviously she could beblying, but have to take her word. I don't want to be so pushy though. That could turn her off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tikay00 Posted January 5, 2015 Author Share Posted January 5, 2015 YOUR world works how you want it to work. Just b/c ppl do it all the time, doesn't have to adjust your world. The only difference between now and during those 3 months, is she's hurt and lonely. What else has changed? So he's put back into a positive light because of a terrible relationship she had? She didn't dump that guy b/c she realized she wasn't over OP, she dumped him b/c they didn't work out. OP has made up his mind and I wish him well, though. She said she's not hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 I directly asked her that, and she said no. I asked her if she's just sad and lonely about the breakup, and she said not at all. Obviously she could beblying, but have to take her word. I don't want to be so pushy though. That could turn her off. Don't be pushy. Just hurry up and get to the lovey dovey stuff. No reason to tip toe around what you're both wondering. Go for it already. Talk to her about feelings and expectations. So far, it seems like she's giving you the green light on everything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tikay00 Posted January 5, 2015 Author Share Posted January 5, 2015 You love her, and you believe she loves you. That's enough for me. If this were me, I would regret if forever if my wife came back in this manner and I didn't even give her a chance. At least (even if this doesn't work out - and I hope it does) you can say you gave it everything you had, worked on yourself and, if it still wasn't good enough, you can sleep better at night knowing you left all of your cards on the table. KTB Thanks. How would you play this? Play it cool, and see what happens, or be direct? Link to post Share on other sites
Jimmyjackson Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 Do you think she is just using you as a backup because her breakup was so recent? I'm worried she might just be playing with you because she's bored and is now alone. I think you need to put your cards on the table and say that you are not interested in a friendship at this time. Ask her what she is interested in right now. You can't beat around the bush with these second chances. I think the other guy was a rebound, the fact his ex left him too is telling, it's not like he left her and now she is lonely. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tikay00 Posted January 5, 2015 Author Share Posted January 5, 2015 Don't be pushy. Just hurry up and get to the lovey dovey stuff. No reason to tip toe around what you're both wondering. Go for it already. Talk to her about feelings and expectations. So far, it seems like she's giving you the green light on everything. Good advice. Just act like a BF again, and if she's hesitant, ask her what this is? Link to post Share on other sites
Jimmyjackson Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 Good advice. Just act like a BF again, and if she's hesitant, ask her what this is? Why don't you suggest going out one night this week for dinner or something? Have fun and don't talk about the past too much, just remind her how fun you are 2 Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 Not necessarily saying to act like her bf again just talk to her about expectations. That needs to happen before anything else. I think you both need a crystal clear understanding of what the two of you want from each other. If you just want to avoid those conversations and enjoy the moments as they come, that's perfectly fine too. As long as you're both ok with that. By getting to lovey dovey stuff, I mean...she has done that somewhat already. Pick up where she left off. I understand you want to let her lead the way but most of us females want the man to take the reigns in most circumstances. She wants to feel just as assured as you do. So assure her that you feel the same and just be very open and honest with each other. No point in wasting time seeing who's going to bring up the serious stuff first. Right? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 Yes. she wants you back. Yes she's afraid to make mistakes and being careful in case it turns up she's wrong. Yes, she is protecting herself from being rejected by you. yes, she wants to start with you again slowly, carefully, and mutual fumble. If you're being too direct, you will destroy her defence and you can't predict her behavior when she feels exposed and vulnerable. If you want a chance with her you better let her dance her role. Yes' it's risky for you but hey... no guts no glory, 3 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 Thanks. How would you play this? Play it cool, and see what happens, or be direct? As tempting as it would be to get answers right away, I think the majority of posters is correct in suggesting that you play it cool. I would take it very slow, try to let her dictate the pace and initiate the contact most of the time (say 60-75 percent of the time) and see what happens. Be available but not too available, interested but not needy. I would try treat it as a new relationship, not a continuation of an old one. Be exciting, somewhat mysterious, don't always be there every time she calls, texts, etc., but be there enough that you remain the "man" in her life. The trickiest part, I'd say, is making sure you don't end up getting "friend zoned" so I would be open to anything romantic that comes up and if being a "friend" seems to be the way things are going, I would probably use that as an opportunity to push back against that idea. The last thing you want is to end up as a back-up plan or a FWB or some such thing. If you want her back, you need to keep things on that track. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SoThatHappened Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 I say screw it. Get with her tonight and screw each other's brains out. Make sure you bring your A-Game. Workout the details later 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jimmyjackson Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 Yeah, like the others and I said, take it slow and play it cool, remind her how good of a catch you are. You're in a really good spot now and I'm happy for you, you have the rare opportunity that she's came back...don't **** it up haha Link to post Share on other sites
Author tikay00 Posted January 5, 2015 Author Share Posted January 5, 2015 Got dammit! I already had the talk with her, and was direct as hell. Got damn, I should have waited for some responses. I was direct, and we got super emotional. Not in a bad way. Talked about everything, and got answers. She doesn't want us to go back to our old ways in fighting, and arguing all the time. Also I told her the mistakes I made in the past about how I was passive aggressive, and mean a lot, and to my surprise, she said, "it wasn't only your fault", for which I thanked her for saying that. We both said we don't want to fight anymore, and she told me a lot about why she didn't like her ex BF. She said he was nice and everything, but was missing something. He'd always ask her about her mood, and always ask what he should order. LOL. Just got off the phone with her, and now I'm reading all these responses saying to keep it cool lol! I at least got something out of her that indicates this is a second chance. But damn I wish I would have taken it cool. Link to post Share on other sites
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