Ex came back???

[tikay00]

Yes. she wants you back.

Yes she's afraid to make mistakes and being careful in case it turns up she's wrong.

Yes, she is protecting herself from being rejected by you.

yes, she wants to start with you again slowly, carefully, and mutual fumble.

 

If you're being too direct, you will destroy her defence and you can't predict her behavior when she feels exposed and vulnerable. If you want a chance with her you better let her dance her role. Yes' it's risky for you but hey... no guts no glory,

 

I wish I would have read this first. I was very direct, but still got the go ahead for a second chance, but I'm scared I went about it the completely wrong way.

[me85]

Got dammit! I already had the talk with her, and was direct as hell. Got damn, I should have waited for some responses. I was direct, and we got super emotional. Not in a bad way. Talked about everything, and got answers.

 

She doesn't want us to go back to our old ways in fighting, and arguing all the time. Also I told her the mistakes I made in the past about how I was passive aggressive, and mean a lot, and to my surprise, she said, "it wasn't only your fault", for which I thanked her for saying that.

 

We both said we don't want to fight anymore, and she told me a lot about why she didn't like her ex BF. She said he was nice and everything, but was missing something. He'd always ask her about her mood, and always ask what he should order. LOL.

 

Just got off the phone with her, and now I'm reading all these responses saying to keep it cool lol! I at least got something out of her that indicates this is a second chance. But damn I wish I would have taken it cool.

 

You did the right thing. Who knows how long you may have been waiting for answers by "playing it cool." When it's pretty clear coming from both sides that 2 people are feeling the same way about each other but just scared to be the one to say it first, it's nothing but a waste of precious time. Never do that. That's just retarded.

[tikay00]

As tempting as it would be to get answers right away, I think the majority of posters is correct in suggesting that you play it cool.

 

I would take it very slow, try to let her dictate the pace and initiate the contact most of the time (say 60-75 percent of the time) and see what happens. Be available but not too available, interested but not needy.

 

I would try treat it as a new relationship, not a continuation of an old one. Be exciting, somewhat mysterious, don't always be there every time she calls, texts, etc., but be there enough that you remain the "man" in her life.

 

The trickiest part, I'd say, is making sure you don't end up getting "friend zoned" so I would be open to anything romantic that comes up and if being a "friend" seems to be the way things are going, I would probably use that as an opportunity to push back against that idea. The last thing you want is to end up as a back-up plan or a FWB or some such thing. If you want her back, you need to keep things on that track.

 

I didn't play it cool, and was direct, but that's because I was afraid it might be a friend zone thing. How should I play it now that I got the go ahead, but I didn't play it cool?

 

I was completely honest with her, and told her why I needed to ask her, and she knew it was coming, because I asked if she knew this convo was coming. I guess better now than never.

[tikay00]

You did the right thing. Who knows how long you may have been waiting for answers by "playing it cool." When it's pretty clear coming from both sides that 2 people are feeling the same way about each other but just scared to be the one to say it first, it's nothing but a waste of precious time. Never do that. That's just retarded.

 

I definitely needed this reassurance. And yeah, I didn't want to risk playing it cool, then it ends up being nothing but a friendship. I don't have months to waste, when I could have been using that time to heal again.

[me85]

I definitely needed this reassurance. And yeah, I didn't want to risk playing it cool, then it ends up being nothing but a friendship. I don't have months to waste, when I could have been using that time to heal again.

 

Exactly. Now you just enjoy the moments as they come. No need to rehash the past. Just look forward to hearing from her and seeing her. Simple.

 

 

Happy for you!

[tikay00]

Exactly. Now you just enjoy the moments as they come. No need to rehash the past. Just look forward to hearing from her and seeing her. Simple.

 

 

Happy for you!

 

Thank you....I appreciate it.

[SoThatHappened]

You just got a second chance. Who cares how it happened or how you played it out.

 

Just DON'T do the same $*** you did to push her away. Relationships aren't easy, and absolutely no one is perfect, but be a better "you."

 

Good luck man.

[tikay00]

You just got a second chance. Who cares how it happened or how you played it out.

 

Just DON'T do the same $*** you did to push her away. Relationships aren't easy, and absolutely no one is perfect, but be a better "you."

 

Good luck man.

 

Thanks, and thanks for the advice. You're absolutely right, and I will try my hardest not to make the same mistakes again.

[tikay00]

Update: Here's the texts we sent to each other.

 

Me: "Dry your eyes, and smile for me today. I'm not gonna be the reason why you cry anymore. I'm tired of being that guy, and I hate being that guy. I wanna be the reason why you smile."

 

Her: "Thank you (my name). The day we started talking again, I've felt happier. Maybe you didn't always make the best choices, but neither did I. It was both of us. We're not perfect. I don't want you to dwell on anything that you regretted saying or doing. I'm over it, and my thoughts and feelings for you now are 100% positive."

 

What you guys think?

[me85]

Update: Here's the texts we sent to each other.

 

Me: "Dry your eyes, and smile for me today. I'm not gonna be the reason why you cry anymore. I'm tired of being that guy, and I hate being that guy. I wanna be the reason why you smile."

 

Her: "Thank you (my name). The day we started talking again, I've felt happier. Maybe you didn't always make the best choices, but neither did I. It was both of us. We're not perfect. I don't want you to dwell on anything that you regretted saying or doing. I'm over it, and my thoughts and feelings for you now are 100% positive."

 

What you guys think?

 

 

I think that's awesome!!!! For every dumpee who wants their bf/gf back, it's their wet dream come true!

[tikay00]

I think that's awesome!!!! For every dumpee who wants their bf/gf back, it's their wet dream come true!

 

NC, and don't EVER try to be their friends during ANY period of the BU. My ex specifically told me that's what helped the both of us. Also, don't ever ever talk to them while they have a new man/woman in their life. That's just reconcile suicide.

 

P.S. I thought when I denied the friendship offer on multiple occasions, and told her I had to go NC, I screwed myself out of an opportunity, and that was it. Nope, never accept friendship post breakup. That's sabotage.

[Jimmyjackson]

NC, and don't EVER try to be their friends during ANY period of the BU. My ex specifically told me that's what helped the both of us. Also, don't ever ever talk to them while they have a new man/woman in their life. That's just reconcile suicide.

 

P.S. I thought when I denied the friendship offer on multiple occasions, and told her I had to go NC, I screwed myself out of an opportunity, and that was it. Nope, never accept friendship post breakup. That's sabotage.

 

congrats dude, now just date like its a new relationship, take her out and just enjoy being around each other...but make sure not to slip into old ways.

 

I wish NC would get me in your situation, I don't think it's going to though as the reasons for her leaving me are different.

[SoThatHappened]

Dude! You're in! This girl sounds like she truly loves you, and you got her back after you both made some mistakes.

 

You've now come full circle and are a veteran. Don't forget to hand out the advice to those here now that you have her back.

[tikay00]

congrats dude, now just date like its a new relationship, take her out and just enjoy being around each other...but make sure not to slip into old ways.

 

I wish NC would get me in your situation, I don't think it's going to though as the reasons for her leaving me are different.

 

Will do man. Thanks for all the help brother. Dude, honestly, I'm only happy I'm back with her because she came back, if that makes sense. What I'm trying to say is, if she didn't come back, I was already prepared for it, and when she came back, it did bring back emotions, and feelings of back to square 1, just because of the uncertainty.

 

I am going to treat this new, and I'm not going to go back to my old ways, but I'm STILL gonna guard my heart. I'm not getting cocky with this AT ALL. This can go away next week for all I know. Everyday I'm going to appreciate her, buy I'm also going to be mentally prepared for doom. Seriously.

[tikay00]

Dude! You're in! This girl sounds like she truly loves you, and you got her back after you both made some mistakes.

 

You've now come full circle and are a veteran. Don't forget to hand out the advice to those here now that you have her back.

 

Oh, I'm not gonna leave. I wish this site had an email notification for threads, so I'd know when someone replies to a certain thread.

 

And I'm not getting cocky. I've seen this story too many times on this site lol. Gonna prepare myself for the worst on a daily basis, and love her, but not get to the point where I'm dead again if we don't make it to the end.

[Light Breeze]

Damn! I envy you!

 

LOL

 

Congrats Tikay, I'm rooting for you!

[tikay00]

Damn! I envy you!

 

LOL

 

Congrats Tikay, I'm rooting for you!

 

Dude, this isn't an enviable position lol. Trust me. I love her with all my heart, but it could end at anytime. Don't get me wrong, I love this, but also the fear of feeling that heart break again is there as well.

 

Double edged sword. In the end, everyones felt this heart break, and its not like you stop trying because of fear of pain. But maybe because she's an ex its different? Being very careful, and not diving in head first. Tippy toes first lol.

[Light Breeze]

Dude, this isn't an enviable position lol. Trust me. I love her with all my heart, but it could end at anytime. Don't get me wrong, I love this, but also the fear of feeling that heart break again is there as well.

 

Double edged sword. In the end, everyones felt this heart break, and its not like you stop trying because of fear of pain. But maybe because she's an ex its different? Being very careful, and not diving in head first. Tippy toes first lol.

 

Yep, I can see where you're coming from. I also thought about it before, that even if we reconcile, I might end up walking on egg shells.

 

You're right take it slow and treat it as a new relationship. All the people I know who had successful second chances mostly erased their previous exp and started with a clean slate.

 

But, Damn man, you got her back! I'm still envious!

[me85]

Dude, this isn't an enviable position lol. Trust me. I love her with all my heart, but it could end at anytime. Don't get me wrong, I love this, but also the fear of feeling that heart break again is there as well.

 

Double edged sword. In the end, everyones felt this heart break, and its not like you stop trying because of fear of pain. But maybe because she's an ex its different? Being very careful, and not diving in head first. Tippy toes first lol.

 

Good strategy but careful you're not too careful. Make sure your heart is open just enough for her to squeeze in.

 

My ex came back with wonderful promises and hopes, swearing he was going to be the man I deserved but only after about a month all those promises to be the man I deserved dwindled down to his true colors yet again. Not to bring you down from your high but just want to share my experience since I know how you feel right now. The ex coming back could very well be the scariest thing in this world. If they hurt you very badly once, that means they could hurt you badly again if you give them the chance to. But for me, it didn't hurt as much the second go round.

 

Best of luck!

[KBarletta]

Dude, this isn't an enviable position lol. Trust me. I love her with all my heart, but it could end at anytime. Don't get me wrong, I love this, but also the fear of feeling that heart break again is there as well.

 

Double edged sword. In the end, everyones felt this heart break, and its not like you stop trying because of fear of pain. But maybe because she's an ex its different? Being very careful, and not diving in head first. Tippy toes first lol.

 

 

 

Happy to hear! A little skepticism is healthy given what you've been through. Just don't let that fear stop you from having the kind of relationship you both want. Be careful, just not too careful.

 

GOOD LUCK! Keep us posted.

 

 

KTB

[tikay00]

Happy to hear! A little skepticism is healthy given what you've been through. Just don't let that fear stop you from having the kind of relationship you both want. Be careful, just not too careful.

 

GOOD LUCK! Keep us posted.

 

 

KTB

 

I hear ya. My mindset is, I'm gonna go all in, and go for it, but not in the reckless way. In the way that shows her I love her, but not over doing it. Just being genuine, from the heart, and this time showing her how much I love, and appreciate her.

 

You know what? If I go in, and give it my all, what do I have to lose? We end up breaking up, I have NO REGRETS. I can live my life knowing I did it both ways with her (good and bad), and it really wasn't meant to be.

 

Good strategy but careful you're not too careful. Make sure your heart is open just enough for her to squeeze in.

 

My ex came back with wonderful promises and hopes, swearing he was going to be the man I deserved but only after about a month all those promises to be the man I deserved dwindled down to his true colors yet again. Not to bring you down from your high but just want to share my experience since I know how you feel right now. The ex coming back could very well be the scariest thing in this world. If they hurt you very badly once, that means they could hurt you badly again if you give them the chance to. But for me, it didn't hurt as much the second go round.

 

Best of luck!

 

Can you give me an example of what he did to mess up? And how were you feeling throughout the whole process? Was it a constant fear, and not going all in mentality, because of heart break, or did you just let it fly? Did it take you a little while to feel free, and open in the relationship?

 

Yep, I can see where you're coming from. I also thought about it before, that even if we reconcile, I might end up walking on egg shells.

 

You're right take it slow and treat it as a new relationship. All the people I know who had successful second chances mostly erased their previous exp and started with a clean slate.

 

But, Damn man, you got her back! I'm still envious!

 

Yeah, I'm erasing everything, and treating her like I just met her. This time going to be the man I should have been in the previous relationship.

 

Lol, trust me, your position is much much easier to be in. When you're doing NC in the beginning, all you want is your ex back. In the middle when you're getting better, all you want is for them to not contact, in fear that seeing their call or text will bring you back to square 1, and let's say you get that call, and decide to answer. You put on your best face, and everything goes smooth, and even you think it's cool, and you're not phased, until the next day when you overthink EVERYTHING.....

 

It's a double edged sword, man. It really is. Even now, I was just texting with her, and it was like before, but then your mind makes you keep wondering.

 

My mind: "OK, she told me everything I wanted and needed to hear, but is it real? What if, what if she is only back because she needs me to fill a void for now, and her grand scheme is only to be friends in the end, and just tell me it didn't feel right or something."

 

So many what ifs. And my grammar is horrible right now, because my minds racing as I type.

[blackcat777]

Post reconciliation, I HIGHLY recommend VALIDATION in communication... listen to everything she says, meet her where she's at, bite your tongue while she talks, and listen... (and she needs to do the same for you) Where there is hurt, there will have to be discussion, and if you can't accept the other person's negative emotions fully... there will be problems. Acknowledge, accept, let go.

 

Also, the play it cool advice is still very applicable: because she dumped you, a bit of healthy distance (you still filling your life with all the kickass things you did while NC... you did do that part, right? ) is critical. Give her enough space to see if she follows through on her commitments. E.g., my boyfriend was/is always late; now, instead of me calling him and being like, "YO!" I just wait and see if he calls... see if he wants to make that effort to communicate (he never did before)... He always does. It keeps him the pursuer, I get a show of affection, we have a new rhythm that works, and it encourages an upward spiral.

 

Be prepared for negative emotions, and don't stuff yours. Share them honestly (I required brutal honesty), but compassionately, and focus intently when you listen.

 

Best of luck. Keep us posted.

[Jono85]

My mind: "OK, she told me everything I wanted and needed to hear, but is it real? What if, what if she is only back because she needs me to fill a void for now, and her grand scheme is only to be friends in the end, and just tell me it didn't feel right or something."

 

So many what ifs. And my grammar is horrible right now, because my minds racing as I type.

 

i don't think there's any chance of what you're saying above. while i cautioned you earlier about all of this, it's not because she would be purposely try to manipulate you into being her void-fill-in or anything like that.

 

i will tell my anecdote, b/c my situation in the past is very very similar to this. when she came back, all of the same positive vibes you are describing were happening on both sides. i was finally open about how much i loved her (for our entire 8+ months prior to breakup it was only her saying those words, as I didn't feel sure enough, and hurt her a lot in the process). anyway, it didn't take long for us to get into fights, only this time the roles had been reversed. she was the one being distant with me, as the 3 months apart (same as you, coincidentally) and her dating another guy, obviously stripped some of her feelings away. whether this was a mistake, or not (ie. maybe there was no way I could get her back to where she used to be) I expected her to be there and it caused friction when she obviously wasn't. from my vantage point, I was finally being the guy she always wanted and being open about how much she meant to me, yet her actions were more distant than they were when I wasn't that guy, and it hurt me.

 

so i guess my advice to you, and it seems like you have this plan anyway, is to take things slow, and not expect things to continue where they were left. it may take some time to build them back up (assuming they can be..).

 

also, don't put so much stock into everything she's saying. she's saying she doesn't resent you for the past, and mine did too, but I can tell you her leash was a LOT shorter than it ever was, the moment fights occurred (they will happen again..hopefully not as often, but they're inevitable). instead of trying to work through them, she threw her arms up and either gave up, or even threatened to end it (fun times).

 

lastly, your last text to her you posted....don't do anymore of that. you've apologized for the past, i'd steer clear of anything from the past going forward. don't act like you owe her or anything this time around; she dumped you, and even dated. i'd say you're on even ground at worst. good luck again.

[tikay00]

i don't think there's any chance of what you're saying above. while i cautioned you earlier about all of this, it's not because she would be purposely try to manipulate you into being her void-fill-in or anything like that.

 

i will tell my anecdote, b/c my situation in the past is very very similar to this. when she came back, all of the same positive vibes you are describing were happening on both sides. i was finally open about how much i loved her (for our entire 8+ months prior to breakup it was only her saying those words, as I didn't feel sure enough, and hurt her a lot in the process). anyway, it didn't take long for us to get into fights, only this time the roles had been reversed. she was the one being distant with me, as the 3 months apart (same as you, coincidentally) and her dating another guy, obviously stripped some of her feelings away. whether this was a mistake, or not (ie. maybe there was no way I could get her back to where she used to be) I expected her to be there and it caused friction when she obviously wasn't. from my vantage point, I was finally being the guy she always wanted and being open about how much she meant to me, yet her actions were more distant than they were when I wasn't that guy, and it hurt me.

 

so i guess my advice to you, and it seems like you have this plan anyway, is to take things slow, and not expect things to continue where they were left. it may take some time to build them back up (assuming they can be..).

 

also, don't put so much stock into everything she's saying. she's saying she doesn't resent you for the past, and mine did too, but I can tell you her leash was a LOT shorter than it ever was, the moment fights occurred (they will happen again..hopefully not as often, but they're inevitable). instead of trying to work through them, she threw her arms up and either gave up, or even threatened to end it (fun times).

 

lastly, your last text to her you posted....don't do anymore of that. you've apologized for the past, i'd steer clear of anything from the past going forward. don't act like you owe her or anything this time around; she dumped you, and even dated. i'd say you're on even ground at worst. good luck again.

 

Should I stay away from being too lovey dove initially, and test it out?

[blackcat777]

Stand back and observe her behavior. Create as much space for her to ACT as you can, and then judge her by her actions.

 

See if she calls when she says she will. Don't reply to every text. Is she punctual?

 

Have some days in your schedule where you're busy, or meet up later in the day after you've taken time for yourself and things you need to do.

 

More than getting hung up on forging an emotional connection, seriously observe her behavior. Really make sure she isn't lukewarm.

 

There are so many stories around here of people being so excited about an ex's return; they dive right in, get swept away by emotions, go back to doing exactly what they did before, and suddenly the ex goes cold again. Many of them trusted the words before stopping to watch the actions. I'm not saying open up... just open up, remember to pause, step back, and be aware.

 

It's always healthy to stay busy and create a bit of mystery, anyway.

Edited January 6, 2015 by blackcat777