Ex came back???

[SoThatHappened]

Dude, just be your new-and-improved self and stop over-analyzing it.

 

If you're "observing" and being stand-offish, you're not being yourself.

 

If you're analyzing every word/move/action, you're going to screw it up.

 

She loved you even with your flaws. She broke things off because she couldn't stand being taken for granted and she was tired of your short fuse.

 

If you have fixed those things, she's going to like you even more now.

 

Just relax and be yourself.

[KBarletta]

Just remember, you are not the only one who needs to work and change to make this happen. She does, too. Pay attention to whether that happens or not (for both of you), talk about it, take it slow and consciously try not to fall back into old patterns. Changing behavior patterns and to make a relationship stronger takes continuous effort by both parties.

[me85]

We only reconnected for about a month, so...that wasn't enough time for me to process anything or have any reactions really. To be quite honest, I should not have immediately started talking to him. Things seemed perfectly fine the first 2 weeks of seeing each other again but then I suddenly started thinking about him being intimate with that other girl, how he lied to me, how much he truly hurt me and I brought it up because we hadn't really talked about it at all. So because I had one night of "whys? and hows?" he couldn't handle it. He wanted to be forgiven automatically and go right back to being in love and it just doesn't work like that so all the hard work he promised me of earning my trust and respect for him back was BS. To make himself better because when it boiled down to actually working on the RS he bailed on me...yet again...saying, there was "too much damage in our RS to overcome or repair." Oh but it was all together different a month before. He called me his soulmate and sh*t. Bought the engagement ring he had been paying on for me and everything. Swore he'd be my husband one day. ALL BS. Really, I think the girl he messed around with behind my back told him to get bent so he came running back to me for temporary comfort and like an idiot, I took him back.

[tikay00]

This just feels weird. I can't explain it. Its not natural for me mentally and emotionally. Nothing from her, but just from me over thinking everything, and being too guarded. I'm putting on a front, but inside I can't fully open up, and be free in this new relationship like I want.

 

Before, I could go the day without thinking about her, and not over think something as simple as texting or calling. I don't know if I'm one of those people that think too much, but I'm thinking about things way too much.

 

I'd rather just be NC, and fully get over her for my peace of mind than to be in this relationship, and not TRULY know what's up. I'm torn guys. This sucks.

[blackcat777]

Based on what worked for me in steering through the past month of reconciling with my boyfriend...

 

In the beginning, we laid it all out on the table. I let him talk first, because he dumped me, and I needed to hear all of his thoughts without any cues or prompting from me. That was really important to me.

 

I made it clear that I didn't want to stay in the past or be hung up on it, but I definitely had to understand what happened with him, and the truth is, I was hurt more deeply than I've ever hurt in my life.

 

The first few days of us being together, we discussed everything. We were both ready to move forward.

 

On the subject of not truly knowing what's up, I did have creeping doubts over the first weeks that grew and grew, despite his actions.

 

We had another night where I talked about everything I was afraid of, and he listened. It was extremely therapeutic for me to voice it. I was scared about what will happen when he goes back to school, scared I'll get another knife in the back, scared he liked the sex while we were apart more than he liked it with me... I felt horrible, silly, and all kinds of different things voicing my fears, but it was honestly what I felt.

 

He respected my feelings, and just him willing to be there with me through my feelings validated me in a deep way.

 

He has also been extremely consistent about making me a priority, both saying AND showing that he wants to be here for me and appreciates me for my higher qualities.

 

Fear is a legitimate feeling, it's okay to have and wise to voice... as long as you can release it and move forward, rather than holding the other person to the same hurts indefinitely (not forgiving). Both people HAVE to be on this page.

 

I was terrified to talk to my boyfriend about my doubts and fears, but it put to rest all those nagging thoughts, and the fact that he took me seriously and listened spoke volumes. Before we talked, I had moments of thinking it would be better to dump him once and for all, just because I was still so afraid of being hurt again. If your girl is for real, lay everything you're feeling on the table (*in terms of YOU and YOUR feelings... I would avoid accusatory language at all costs).

 

And to clarify what I said earlier about hanging back, I never meant it in the sense of being standoffish, stuffing your feelings, or pretending to be someone you're not; always be real all the time, in intimacy you have to be... but look before you leap.

 

If my boyfriend showed a single split second of doubt about being with me since we reconciled, I would be done. Period. I don't ever want to have to worry about what's up with us.

 

I was also NC from the day of the breakup and blocked him everywhere until he came banging down the door. It was so important to me that he made that effort. I felt like blocking his phone number was a great idea, so he couldn't call me when he felt bad or missed me, and then blow hot and cold again. The only way he could have gotten through to me was by coming on full force (*I also ducked beneath the windows and called him before letting him see my face at the door until he said all the things I needed to hear him say). This is, again, why I caution to grade a returning ex by ACTIONS.

 

I love my man to death and do share my feelings... this was scary at first, very scary, because I didn't want the feeling of him blowing off a heartfelt email and giving me another subtle rejection. As long as he calls, writes, visits, I'll send him some love back. If he's busy with his friends, I'll save a mushy email for another day. For me, this is a balance of being myself, but also allowing him space to initiate. I'm also not 100% fixated on him, or giving him that impression... which NC made me awesome at doing. I think if you were the person who was dumped, finding your own manifestation of this balance is wise.

 

tl;dr Lay it all out, be brutally honest, and look before you leap. If she's serious, she'll take you seriously, and you can both move forward in an awesome way.

Edited January 6, 2015 by blackcat777

[Simon Phoenix]

This just feels weird. I can't explain it. Its not natural for me mentally and emotionally. Nothing from her, but just from me over thinking everything, and being too guarded. I'm putting on a front, but inside I can't fully open up, and be free in this new relationship like I want.

 

Before, I could go the day without thinking about her, and not over think something as simple as texting or calling. I don't know if I'm one of those people that think too much, but I'm thinking about things way too much.

 

I'd rather just be NC, and fully get over her for my peace of mind than to be in this relationship, and not TRULY know what's up. I'm torn guys. This sucks.

 

Just found this thread, and honestly, my concern is that you aren't emotionally ready for this. Already way too much overanalyzation going on and you seem to be way too driven for a specific result (getting her back) than being able to go with the flow like you would in a normal dating situation. I mean, you weren't this crazy and overanalytical back in the day when you first started dating her. There's no need to be that way now.

 

Don't try to "play it cool" when you aren't able to play it cool. That just bottles things up and makes the inevitable explosion of anxiety that much more ugly. Ideally, you would give her space and let her come to you and make her try to convince you that you should try again. It's not up to you to convince her of this, and I'm afraid that's where your mindset is. If I were you I would have taken more time away, as me85 said, to get your mind right.

 

That being said, it's a little late to go back to that now. I would advise letting her initiate the contact and giving the appropriate space (maybe go out once a week, like you would in a early dating situation) while you get your s--t together. You seem panicky and wound up -- that's not good man. Either way, don't smother, live the rest of your life like you have been, diversify your social interests, and CHILL THE F--K OUT.

[Ksspeerfisher]

Yeah I was dumped a few months ago by my girl of one year. She told me all the usual how she needed to concentrate on her job and kids and didn't have time for a relationship and wasn't ready for one and wanted to be independent and not a burden on me. We exchanged a few harsh text she said she didn't love me and never did and that she was using me and I was a stupid city boy. I told her she needed theropy and get her priorities straight. I had to break NC because she wasn't paying a bill that was in my name. And she immediately started attacking me and told me she could never forgive me, although I don't know for what. And she said it was all my fault she was alone for the holidays but she dumped me for the most cliche of reasons. And I can't see how it's my fault when I'm the one who was dumped. Did she just expect me to take her crap and not stand up for myself? Did she want me to be ok with just waiting for her to be ready? And since I moved on and now am living for myself she thinks it's all my fault like I dumped her.

[frigginlost]

Just found this thread, and honestly, my concern is that you aren't emotionally ready for this. Already way too much overanalyzation going on and you seem to be way too driven for a specific result (getting her back) than being able to go with the flow like you would in a normal dating situation. I mean, you weren't this crazy and overanalytical back in the day when you first started dating her. There's no need to be that way now.

 

Don't try to "play it cool" when you aren't able to play it cool. That just bottles things up and makes the inevitable explosion of anxiety that much more ugly. Ideally, you would give her space and let her come to you and make her try to convince you that you should try again. It's not up to you to convince her of this, and I'm afraid that's where your mindset is. If I were you I would have taken more time away, as me85 said, to get your mind right.

 

That being said, it's a little late to go back to that now. I would advise letting her initiate the contact and giving the appropriate space (maybe go out once a week, like you would in a early dating situation) while you get your s--t together. You seem panicky and wound up -- that's not good man. Either way, don't smother, live the rest of your life like you have been, diversify your social interests, and CHILL THE F--K OUT.

 

Simon just knocked it out of the park, imho. He nailed my feelings on it as well.

 

Bottling up things will come back to bite you hard. Right now you have to be yourself, but you need to do so in a way that you are extremely chilled about everything.

 

You do not, as Simon stated, seem to be emotionally ready for a recon. You can't go back now, so just try to learn a little about yourself as you are working through everything. You may have cheated yourself out of a little "me time" in getting this recon going when your head does not seem to be fully there yet.

 

Go slow, chill, and don't over think.

[tikay00]

 

tl;dr Lay it all out, be brutally honest, and look before you leap. If she's serious, she'll take you seriously, and you can both move forward in an awesome way.

 

Did all that yesterday for a few hours, but STILL, I'm thinking too much about her, and over thinking everything. I got the second chance answer, but it still feels weird to me.

 

I'm gonna play it cool for now, and not over think things, or think too much about her.

 

What if I play it calm, and if I get the sense that it's not going anywhere, talk to her about it in a real, and genuine manner?

[tikay00]

Just found this thread, and honestly, my concern is that you aren't emotionally ready for this. Already way too much overanalyzation going on and you seem to be way too driven for a specific result (getting her back) than being able to go with the flow like you would in a normal dating situation. I mean, you weren't this crazy and overanalytical back in the day when you first started dating her. There's no need to be that way now.

 

Don't try to "play it cool" when you aren't able to play it cool. That just bottles things up and makes the inevitable explosion of anxiety that much more ugly. Ideally, you would give her space and let her come to you and make her try to convince you that you should try again. It's not up to you to convince her of this, and I'm afraid that's where your mindset is. If I were you I would have taken more time away, as me85 said, to get your mind right.

 

That being said, it's a little late to go back to that now. I would advise letting her initiate the contact and giving the appropriate space (maybe go out once a week, like you would in a early dating situation) while you get your s--t together. You seem panicky and wound up -- that's not good man. Either way, don't smother, live the rest of your life like you have been, diversify your social interests, and CHILL THE F--K OUT.

 

Brother, your words are WISE. I'm gonna do just that, and not have her be the center of my life, but be a positive part of my life. WISE WORDS. I'm gonna heed to this.

 

And honestly, today, I was starting to get the mentality of just going with it, and not initiating, but letting her like we first started dating. I'll update you guys on new emotions and such.

[tikay00]

Simon just knocked it out of the park, imho. He nailed my feelings on it as well.

 

Bottling up things will come back to bite you hard. Right now you have to be yourself, but you need to do so in a way that you are extremely chilled about everything.

 

You do not, as Simon stated, seem to be emotionally ready for a recon. You can't go back now, so just try to learn a little about yourself as you are working through everything. You may have cheated yourself out of a little "me time" in getting this recon going when your head does not seem to be fully there yet.

 

Go slow, chill, and don't over think.

 

I'll do just that. Thank you very much. I WILL DO JUST THAT.

[tikay00]

Also, how should I go about the initiating contact thing? It feels like she expects me to initiate.

[frigginlost]

You're over thinking. :-)

 

Stop that!

 

If you feel that *you* want to text her (in a chilled and relaxed way), then go ahead. Stop thinking about what she wants. You will drive yourself insane...

 

Never be the statue, that's where the birds sh*t. Be the blade of grass and just go with the wind.

Edited January 6, 2015 by frigginlost

[me85]

Also, how should I go about the initiating contact thing? It feels like she expects me to initiate.

 

OP, you're overcomplicating things. There's not really a "how you should...what you should..." just be a normal guy acting interested in a girl. I mean, because you are interested in your ex/current gf, aren't you? If you keep this up you're going to ruin the chances of being happy with her again. Text her sweet things throughout the day. Tell her good morning and good night. Do not smother her but be initiate enough contact for her to see that you care. Ask her how her day is going, how it went...what movies she's seen lately...etc.

[Simon Phoenix]

OP, you're overcomplicating things. There's not really a "how you should...what you should..." just be a normal guy acting interested in a girl. I mean, because you are interested in your ex/current gf, aren't you? If you keep this up you're going to ruin the chances of being happy with her again. Text her sweet things throughout the day. Tell her good morning and good night. Do not smother her but be initiate enough contact for her to see that you care. Ask her how her day is going, how it went...what movies she's seen lately...etc.

 

I think this is a bit too ambitious. She dumped him, so him texting her a bunch of stuff throughout the day everyday seems a bit extreme IMO. I do agree that he's making this way too complex though.

[tikay00]

I can't help it guys. Never been in a situation with this type of dynamic. Always made clean breaks.

 

OK, I'll heed everyone's advice, and just go with it. Not gonna over think anything.

[tikay00]

I think this is a bit too ambitious. She dumped him, so him texting her a bunch of stuff throughout the day everyday seems a bit extreme IMO. I do agree that he's making this way too complex though.

 

And that's what I'm talking about. I don't want to be "that guy". It just feels different. Before I could be "meh" about things, but since she's back, and she's the dumper, I probably feel like her in our previous relationship lol.

 

I feel like a women! No offense.

[me85]

And that's what I'm talking about. I don't want to be "that guy". It just feels different. Before I could be "meh" about things, but since she's back, and she's the dumper, I probably feel like her in our previous relationship lol.

 

I feel like a women! No offense.

 

To quote myself, I said "don't smother her" but at this point I really think it's best that the OP just leave all the contact up to his ex. Leave her completely alone OP. Unless she contacts you and you want to respond in short.

 

You don't want this as much as you may have thought you did because now it's fallen into your lap but instead of treating it like a delicate flower falling into your lap you're treating it as a hot cup of coffee. You don't want to be "that guy" but you don't want to be "this guy" either...I think you need to go back to NC with your ex because you're really too confused to know what you really want and what you really feel right now.

 

Best of luck to ya man.

 

But for the record, I don't regret giving my ex another chance. Because I can honestly look back and say that I tried my damnedest to make it work with him. I gave it my all, I gave it my best. And that makes me a winner, regardless of how it all worked out in the end.

Edited January 6, 2015 by me85

[Aint_Easy]

Man take it from someone who was in your shoes years ago, and hopes he can be in your shoes one day soon.

 

Get your **** together if you never want to lose this girl.

 

My first love came running back to me after 2 boyfriends. What did I do? Immediately treated it like hot coffee like said above. I freaked out and over reacted. Like a kid in a candy store I went full blown. Acted exactly like I did when she left me. Where did that get me? No where. Haven't spoke to her since. You truly have to treat this like you have never dated before, while keeping in mind you have. Be that dude. The dude that knows how to make her chase you.

[tikay00]

Man take it from someone who was in your shoes years ago, and hopes he can be in your shoes one day soon.

 

Get your **** together if you never want to lose this girl.

 

My first love came running back to me after 2 boyfriends. What did I do? Immediately treated it like hot coffee like said above. I freaked out and over reacted. Like a kid in a candy store I went full blown. Acted exactly like I did when she left me. Where did that get me? No where. Haven't spoke to her since. You truly have to treat this like you have never dated before, while keeping in mind you have. Be that dude. The dude that knows how to make her chase you.

 

Thing is, I'm scared this might be some friends thing, and not really what I think it is. I don't want friendship at all. Only a relationship or nothing, since I'm not fully moved on from her.

 

Yeah, she gave me the signals that it was a second chance, but it wasn't a 110% signal. It had hints of being a friendship thing for now, but let's see what happens thing. Maybe even she's lonely, and needs me to fill a void, even though she said she left her new BF for me, and it wasn't that at all.

 

I still have my doubts.

[tikay00]

To quote myself, I said "don't smother her" but at this point I really think it's best that the OP just leave all the contact up to his ex. Leave her completely alone OP. Unless she contacts you and you want to respond in short.

 

You don't want this as much as you may have thought you did because now it's fallen into your lap but instead of treating it like a delicate flower falling into your lap you're treating it as a hot cup of coffee. You don't want to be "that guy" but you don't want to be "this guy" either...I think you need to go back to NC with your ex because you're really too confused to know what you really want and what you really feel right now.

 

Best of luck to ya man.

 

But for the record, I don't regret giving my ex another chance. Because I can honestly look back and say that I tried my damnedest to make it work with him. I gave it my all, I gave it my best. And that makes me a winner, regardless of how it all worked out in the end.

 

I'm just try to stop over thinking everything, and if I'm still like this, I'm gonna give her the talk.

[tikay00]

I know I've said this a million times, but I'm gonna go with it, this one last time, and see where it goes. If we end up just being friends, I'm leaving forever and NC for life. I'm not trying to be that guy that she always holds onto.

 

She even said she's the type to just cut contact with all her exes, but can't with me. Could be BS, but could be true.

 

Fuggit, I'm not gonna respond to anything else, but I'll still update. I'm just gonna go with it.

[me85]

I know I've said this a million times, but I'm gonna go with it, this one last time, and see where it goes. If we end up just being friends, I'm leaving forever and NC for life. I'm not trying to be that guy that she always holds onto.

 

She even said she's the type to just cut contact with all her exes, but can't with me. Could be BS, but could be true.

 

Fuggit, I'm not gonna respond to anything else, but I'll still update. I'm just gonna go with it.

 

(((((( crowd goes wild ))))))

[tikay00]

(((((( crowd goes wild ))))))

 

One thing though. About the texting. Since she's the dumper, shouldn't she initiate texting or calling? She has initiated texting and calling last night, but not during the day time.

 

Is it her natural female way of having the guy text first? Even so, she's the dumper, shouldn't she initiate sometimes?

[tikay00]

This is freaking weird. I'm scared to even call her now, because I'm not the one trying to be clingy. WTF!?