Ex came back???

[Ieris]

@tikay00 - Please stop and sit down and focus on your breathing. I know a million things are going through your head right now but put those thoughts to sleep and don't let them mess things up.

 

When she calls you back later, you don't want to say anything you are going to regret so please try to calm down..

 

If I was her and I hear you going all crazy.. I will run for the hills.. so don't let that happen x

[tikay00]

@tikay00 - Please stop and sit down and focus on your breathing. I know a million things are going through your head right now but put those thoughts to sleep and don't let them mess things up.

 

When she calls you back later, you don't want to say anything you are going to regret so please try to calm down..

 

If I was her and I hear you going all crazy.. I will run for the hills.. so don't let that happen x

 

Trust me, I'm not gonna go crazy. I was calm with her, and I've never flipped out on her during our "have to go NC" talks.

 

I'm not gonna curse her out or anything. If it ends up being worst case, I'll just tell her I appreciate her loving me with all her heart at one point, and just say my farewell.

[Ducktape]

When she calls, I'm gonna ask what happened, and take it from there. I'm not gonna blow anything. I'm gonna tell her to be real with me, and give me honesty. My hearts not something I can afford to give away, and then it ends up being nothing.

You're all over the place.

 

One post you're saying you're gonna take it chill, lay back, have fun. Then 2 minutes later you're frantic and saying you gotta talk to her. Then 2 minutes later you're saying you're taking it chill again. Then you're claiming you're a side piece. A few minutes ago you were stating you were gonna give it a good 2 weeks before doing anything as drastic as, you know, calling her to reveal her cards.

[tikay00]

IF this is what I think it is, I'm gonna be back to square 1 x100, and it was all my fault. I don't know if I'm ready for this. I really don't.

[tikay00]

You're all over the place.

 

One post you're saying you're gonna take it chill, lay back, have fun. Then 2 minutes later you're frantic and saying you gotta talk to her. Then 2 minutes later you're saying you're taking it chill again. Then you're claiming you're a side piece. A few minutes ago you were stating you were gonna give it a good 2 weeks before doing anything as drastic as, you know, calling her to reveal her cards.

 

Bro, I'm the type, I can't just wonder. I just can't. I know I let you, and myself down, but in the end, look at the situation. This had to be done.

 

I'll get my closure tonight. You guys really think it's worth the headache to "play it cool" when you can't!? I'm not gonna wonder every single day. I'm gonna do what I know is right.

[idoltree]

What would be the point in playing it cool, if she is probably playing with me????

 

Because communication is a two way street. People are not fixed in bad and good polarity, and communication and interaction can cause different decisions and outcomes.

 

Dude, you're so sure she's "playing with you" and that's what she's been up to the whole time. You can't see that your choices actions may have contributed to this outcome, an outcome that you aren't even certain about.

 

When she calls, I'm gonna ask what happened, and take it from there. I'm not gonna blow anything. I'm gonna tell her to be real with me, and give me honesty. My hearts not something I can afford to give away, and then it ends up being nothing.

Would you stop with the "gonna tell her to be real with me" stuff? It is so childish. Someone is "real with you" if they want to be.

 

All we can do is try to choose compassionate genuine people in our lives, and take a step back when someone's actions and words don't add up. Thinking you can control someone to tell you exactly what you want to know is shortsighted.

 

Have a conversation without an agenda, for the love of god.

[Ducktape]

I'll get my closure tonight. You guys really think it's worth the headache to "play it cool" when you can't!? I'm not gonna wonder every single day. I'm gonna do what I know is right.

And that's why I said you were not ready for a reconciliation. Because you care wayyyyy too much. Because you can't play it cool. Because you don't see it as a new relationship, you see it as the resuming of the old one.

[tikay00]

 

Have a conversation without an agenda, for the love of god.

 

How do I have a conversation without an agenda, and what does that even mean? I'm trying to figure out what's going on....

[tikay00]

And that's why I said you were not ready for a reconciliation. Because you care wayyyyy too much. Because you can't play it cool. Because you don't see it as a new relationship, you see it as the resuming of the old one.

 

Exactly, so I HAVE to get this over with. I can't play it cool forever, while I'm dying insider forever.

 

It wasn't the right time, and I don't even know what this was. I'll update you guys after talking to her.

[Ducktape]

I'm trying to figure out what's going on....

Your job isn't to figure things out.

[Ducktape]

Exactly, so I HAVE to get this over with. I can't play it cool forever, while I'm dying insider forever.

 

It wasn't the right time, and I don't even know what this was. I'll update you guys after talking to her.

Then put an end to your misery, write her a sms and tell her you can't do this and to never talk to you again.

[tikay00]

Then put an end to your misery, write her a sms and tell her you can't do this and to never talk to you again.

 

I know that's what's eventually happening, but I love her so much, I want to at least talk to her one last time. Just feel with her one last time.

 

I don't want to leave off on a "never talk to me" note. That'll leave too many regrets, and what ifs in my head. I wanna leave off on a mutual agreement, so there's not thoughts in the back of my mind.

[idoltree]

How do I have a conversation without an agenda, and what does that even mean? I'm trying to figure out what's going on....

 

Seriously?

 

You talk to the person without trying to force toward a direction or outcome. You stop and pay attention so that you may listen to what they are saying to you. When it's your turn to talk, you validate what they say, and if you have something to add or question, you do that. Then they'll say something. Repeat.

 

That's how an honest and open conversation unfolds. People feel heard. People get closer. No one is controlling the flow, and neither is trying to control the other person.

 

What you are envisioning is a panic control script, not a conversation.

 

If I were thinking about getting back with someone and they were so hyped up and reactive that they couldn't even hear what I was trying to say to them, well, let's just say I'd be joining the previous poster who said she'd be running for the hills.

 

I really wish you'd have just chilled out and given it a day or two to settle. But here you are. The best choice you can make at this point is to have an open phone call, and leave your anxiety out of it.

[Ieris]

I know that's what's eventually happening, but I love her so much, I want to at least talk to her one last time. Just feel with her one last time.

 

I don't want to leave off on a "never talk to me" note. That'll leave too many regrets, and what ifs in my head. I wanna leave off on a mutual agreement, so there's not thoughts in the back of my mind.

 

You know it doesn't have to play out this way...

 

She's having the closure talk with the other guy, her emotions will be all over the place.. is it really a good time to force an answer out of her today?

[tikay00]

Seriously?

 

You talk to the person without trying to force toward a direction or outcome. You stop and pay attention so that you may listen to what they are saying to you. When it's your turn to talk, you validate what they say, and if you have something to add or question, you do that. Then they'll say something. Repeat.

 

That's how an honest and open conversation unfolds. People feel heard. People get closer. No one is controlling the flow, and neither is trying to control the other person.

 

What you are envisioning is a panic control script, not a conversation.

 

If I were thinking about getting back with someone and they were so hyped up and reactive that they couldn't even hear what I was trying to say to them, well, let's just say I'd be joining the previous poster who said she'd be running for the hills.

 

I really wish you'd have just chilled out and given it a day or two to settle. But here you are. The best choice you can make at this point is to have an open phone call, and leave your anxiety out of it.

 

Of course that's what I do. I wasn't going to just ramble, and cut her off every time she spoke.

 

I'm going to hear her out, and just talk.

[tikay00]

You know it doesn't have to play out this way...

 

She's having the closure talk with the other guy, her emotions will be all over the place.. is it really a good time to force an answer out of her today?

 

She's already gonna call me anyways. I know it's selfish, but what if it's not a closure talk, and it's a "sorry, we got back together" talk? And I'm not forcing her, I'm gonna tell her what I'm thinking, and let her say what she has to say.

 

Either way, I have to do this for myself.

[Ieris]

She's already gonna call me anyways. I know it's selfish, but what if it's not a closure talk, and it's a "sorry, we got back together" talk? And I'm not forcing her, I'm gonna tell her what I'm thinking, and let her say what she has to say.

 

Either way, I have to do this for myself.

 

OK.. I hope things work out

[Simon Phoenix]

Oh lord. You've created this narrative in your head and you are letting it turn you into a spastic mess. I don't even know what to advise at this point -- not sure you are in a mindset capable of dealing with anything right now.

[BC1980]

You know, I only posted once on this thread yesterday because I didn't want to burst your bubble. I didn't want to be the only one bearing bad news and being the kill joy. But I never got the feeling she was 100% about a second chance. I've seen precious few second chances, but they've always involved more time NC and the dumper coming back and being 100% straightforward about their intentions. She has not been straightforward. She has beaten around the bush and implied some things, but she has never come right out and said anything.

 

Here's my take, and, if I'm wrong, I'll eat crow and admit it. But. . . . I think that the timing of her recently dumping her BF is really suspicious. I think she just called you again because she was lonely and maybe did it on a whim without giving careful thought to the possibility of a second chance. I've read somewhere that the height of a loss is felt around the 60-90 day mark, which is when she called you. I think she made a knee jerk reaction to call you, and I think she is going to back off now. I think that once the reality of a possible second chance is on the line, she will bolt. Now, if I'm wrong, I'll admit it, and I certainly don't want you to be disappointed. I'm not rooting for that, but something about this entire situation does not sit well with me.

 

BTW, the reason you are so anxious is because you have no idea where you stand with her. Something very important: a second chance is not like dating for the first time. The dynamic is very different, and I wouldn't recommend responding to anything other than a very clear: "I made a mistake, and I want you back. I'm willing to work on it and do whatever it takes." Dumpers need to be clear about their intentions from the start.

[frigginlost]

You know, I only posted once on this thread yesterday because I didn't want to burst your bubble. I didn't want to be the only one bearing bad news and being the kill joy. But I never got the feeling she was 100% about a second chance. I've seen precious few second chances, but they've always involved more time NC and the dumper coming back and being 100% straightforward about their intentions. She has not been straightforward. She has beaten around the bush and implied some things, but she has never come right out and said anything.

 

Here's my take, and, if I'm wrong, I'll eat crow and admit it. But. . . . I think that the timing of her recently dumping her BF is really suspicious. I think she just called you again because she was lonely and maybe did it on a whim without giving careful thought to the possibility of a second chance. I've read somewhere that the height of a loss is felt around the 60-90 day mark, which is when she called you. I think she made a knee jerk reaction to call you, and I think she is going to back off now. I think that once the reality of a possible second chance is on the line, she will bolt. Now, if I'm wrong, I'll admit it, and I certainly don't want you to be disappointed. I'm not rooting for that, but something about this entire situation does not sit well with me.

 

BTW, the reason you are so anxious is because you have no idea where you stand with her. Something very important: a second chance is not like dating for the first time. The dynamic is very different, and I wouldn't recommend responding to anything other than a very clear: "I made a mistake, and I want you back. I'm willing to work on it and do whatever it takes." Dumpers need to be clear about their intentions from the start.

 

While you are one of the posters I highly respect on these boards, I'm not sure that I agree totally with your take that dumpers need to be clear. Some people do have self esteem issues and may fear being rejected. They may know head games as the only effective way to communicate as not to damage their fragile ego. What it comes down to in cases like this, is if the dumpee can tolerate that sort of situation and decipher intent.

 

It completely sucks for the dumpee to have to through that, but in all honesty it may be good for the dumpee if their head is on straight to make a well informed decision if it is all worth it in the end.

[tikay00]

You know, I only posted once on this thread yesterday because I didn't want to burst your bubble. I didn't want to be the only one bearing bad news and being the kill joy. But I never got the feeling she was 100% about a second chance. I've seen precious few second chances, but they've always involved more time NC and the dumper coming back and being 100% straightforward about their intentions. She has not been straightforward. She has beaten around the bush and implied some things, but she has never come right out and said anything.

 

Here's my take, and, if I'm wrong, I'll eat crow and admit it. But. . . . I think that the timing of her recently dumping her BF is really suspicious. I think she just called you again because she was lonely and maybe did it on a whim without giving careful thought to the possibility of a second chance. I've read somewhere that the height of a loss is felt around the 60-90 day mark, which is when she called you. I think she made a knee jerk reaction to call you, and I think she is going to back off now. I think that once the reality of a possible second chance is on the line, she will bolt. Now, if I'm wrong, I'll admit it, and I certainly don't want you to be disappointed. I'm not rooting for that, but something about this entire situation does not sit well with me.

 

BTW, the reason you are so anxious is because you have no idea where you stand with her. Something very important: a second chance is not like dating for the first time. The dynamic is very different, and I wouldn't recommend responding to anything other than a very clear: "I made a mistake, and I want you back. I'm willing to work on it and do whatever it takes." Dumpers need to be clear about their intentions from the start.

 

Here's what happend. She called me back. She told me he cried, and was sad, and he asked what he can do to have a second chance, but she said nothing. It's over. He went off. She got into more detail, but it was the same.

 

She said it was because of me. Just like before.

 

I open up, and tell her I'm scared to tell her how much I love her, but I'm scared, because I don't want to invest my all into it, and end up heart broken again. She says, it's both ways. She's scared to invest everything into it, because she's scared I'll hurt her again. We both understand.

 

She basically says she wants to take it slow, and we just keep talking about past stuff, and whatnot. She sounds a little annoyed on the phone though. I felt like we were good before, but maybe I sabotaged things with this talk, even though I got a clearer picture, but still not sure.

 

My thing is, why is she scared, if I'm giving her the green light that I'm not gonna hurt her again? She knows I'll try my hardest. Maybe she's gonna just test it out, and when she can finally see that it's gonna be different, she'll show it?

 

****! I did play it the wrong way, but at the same time, this was the only was I was gonna play it. I still think she was lying about being tired all day. I still feel like I'm gonna eventually give her the NC talk this week.

 

I also feel like a little of the resentment is brought back since I gave her the talk today. She said it was fully gone yesterday, but maybe I ****ed up royally tonight.

 

Here's my last thing. I'm gonna risk my heart. I'm gonna put my everything into this, even if it means me getting burned, and even if it means I'm thinking too much. I'm gonna treat it like a new relationship, even though I kind of F'd up, but whatever. I'm gonna give it my all. If I get broken again, I have no regrets.

[tikay00]

While you are one of the posters I highly respect on these boards, I'm not sure that I agree totally with your take that dumpers need to be clear. Some people do have self esteem issues and may fear being rejected. They may know head games as the only effective way to communicate as not to damage their fragile ego. What it comes down to in cases like this, is if the dumpee can tolerate that sort of situation and decipher intent.

 

It completely sucks for the dumpee to have to through that, but in all honesty it may be good for the dumpee if their head is on straight to make a well informed decision if it is all worth it in the end.

 

You are damn right, and I think she's one of those people. The problem is, I'm in such a fragile mind state, this sucks!

 

She did say that what she wants is for me to not take her for granted again, and for no more arguments, and fighting. The problem is, I don't want to be clingy with it.

[Chin Up]

I've read some of your threads before and this is my take..

 

I think that co-worker you mentioned she was developing feelings for before the b/u, I think that's the real reason she b/u with you. I'm sure your relationship had it's problems (who's doesn't?) but I think blaming you for the demise was a cowardly and jerky way of leaving you sitting there with all the guilt and blame cuz she didn't want to tell you she was peacing out for another guy.

 

She says she called it off but I think it was the other way around. She doesn't want to tell you that because right away you're going to suspect why she's suddenly contacting you again..to be demoted to plan-b cuz she was dumped and now she has no guy to show for after all that BS.

 

That's just my take on it. Personally? I'd tell her to pound sand.

[BC1980]

She says she called it off but I think it was the other way around. She doesn't want to tell you that because right away you're going to suspect why she's suddenly contacting you again..to be demoted to plan-b cuz she was dumped and now she has no guy to show for after all that BS.

 

I thought the exact same thing. I have a feeling he broke it off with her. The timing is suspicious for one. It makes sense that after getting dumped, her knee jerk reaction would be to contact you. Also, the fact that she started dating someone so quickly is a huge red flag. You always have to consider that you were dumped for her to pursue another person.

[BC1980]

While you are one of the posters I highly respect on these boards, I'm not sure that I agree totally with your take that dumpers need to be clear. Some people do have self esteem issues and may fear being rejected. They may know head games as the only effective way to communicate as not to damage their fragile ego. What it comes down to in cases like this, is if the dumpee can tolerate that sort of situation and decipher intent.

 

It completely sucks for the dumpee to have to through that, but in all honesty it may be good for the dumpee if their head is on straight to make a well informed decision if it is all worth it in the end.

 

I understand what you are saying, and I used to think that way until I went through my own experiences and read so many threads on this board. I think one of the major problems with the OP's situation is that he has only been 2 months NC. I've just seen so many threads were the dumpee says "let's take is slowly and see where it goes." It's like a line right out of the dumpers handbook TBH. Sometimes, you have to experience it to believe it.