Ex came back???

[BC1980]

May I ask. . . . how many times have you broken up and gotten back together previously? If I am reading your previous threads correctly, this would be the second time this has happened. How many total years have you been together?

[tikay00]

May I ask. . . . how many times have you broken up and gotten back together previously? If I am reading your previous threads correctly, this would be the second time this has happened. How many total years have you been together?

 

went on breaks 2-3x during our actual relationship. Went out for 6-7 months.

 

Update: She just texted back, "I'm barely on there but I will. I'm just resting. I'm having chest pains and I'm really jittery today. I'm not ignoring you." Referring to when I asked her to add me on Instagram earlier. She responded back 2 hours later.

 

1st day off, "I'm really sleepy...this is not real life", when I asked her to get Skype again.

 

2nd day, see text above, after I asked her to add me on Instagram.

 

Now, I'm not the smartest man on the planet, but uuuummmmm.....what should I text her back to tell her this **** ain't working, and I need to peace out.

 

And remember, no matter how much you guys tell me to ghost on her in silence, I'm not doing that, just because at least I get to hear her voice one last time. I'd rather end off on a mutual note where we both aren't left in mystery, and I make it loud and clear to not bother my life anymore, under any circumstance.

[Ducktape]

Aaaaaand you're back at it.

[tikay00]

Aaaaaand you're back at it.

 

Haha, nah. This time I see the light, and I'm going full troll on this girl (don't tell me not to, I'm doing it.) Meaning, I already know this is a facade, and BS. I'm not gonna over think anything. I already know it's BS. I'm not gonna give her a talk, no confrontation, no dumping. I'm gonna roll with this facade in the most "meh, whatever" mentality, and have her wondering why I give 2 ****s about this.

 

I've already started to emotionally detach (obviously not fully, but that's my mindset now). No more long talks, or "what's a matter babe?". Just, "ok, that's cool." and NC, with bits and pieces of being interested, in case she's not BS'ing me.

 

Yeah, yeah, I'm evil, but what is she, if she came back to my life, brought back emotions, damn near brought me back to square 1, and has no intentions of a real relationship, and just riding this pseudo BS out until she monkey branches onto someone else, or is in the process of looking.

 

I'm not being evil per se, I'm just gonna emotionally detach, and have a "whatever" attitude about all this. Have her wondering for once.

[Ducktape]

It's sad to see you in that state man. You're like a bi polar, but instead of weeks/months between episodes, it is hours, almost minutes in your case.

 

That's still just playing games. Just tell her "Listen, I thought I was ready for this, but clearly I am not. This situation is too inconfortable for me, I need to take some time for myself. I would appreciate it if you stopped contacted me. Thanks"

 

And be done with it. Your body won't endure your state for much longer, no matter how detached you say you will be from now on. In 2 hours, she will have texted you "Have a nice dinner honey!" and you'll be back here asking us if that text means she prefers a diamond engagement ring or a year long trip to Namibia.

[tikay00]

It's sad to see you in that state man. You're like a bi polar, but instead of weeks/months between episodes, it is hours, almost minutes in your case.

 

That's still just playing games. Just tell her "Listen, I thought I was ready for this, but clearly I am not. This situation is too inconfortable for me, I need to take some time for myself. I would appreciate it if you stopped contacted me. Thanks"

 

And be done with it. Your body won't endure your state for much longer, no matter how detached you say you will be from now on. In 2 hours, she will have texted you "Have a nice dinner honey!" and you'll be back here asking us if that text means she prefers a diamond engagement ring or a year long trip to Namibia.

 

Lol, no. If she sends that text the first thought is, "mmm hmmm.....another one of those BS texts to keep hanging on for just a little longer."

 

I'm playing this out for 2 reasons.

 

1. If she is BS'ing me, what's the point in even saying I'm not ready for this, NC blah blah? It wouldn't matter when I'm ready, she's just a user, and game player for life.

 

2. If she's not BS'ing me, I haven't done anything drastic again, and just played the "whatever" card on her. I didn't make a drastic choice, and leave again for NC, and it won't be the 3rd damn time I gave her a "talk" about the situation.

 

I'm riding this one out, while emotionally detaching. If she ends it, "oh ok, sucks that it didn't work out, peace out."

 

And I didn't dump her, or give her the NC talk, leaving no regrets, and guilt for the future.

 

P.S. What's so sad? I'm not in a maniacal rage right now, or being bi polar. I really have seen everything I need to see through her actions, and non actions. I wasn't born yesterday. The reason why I was going crazy, was because I didn't know if it was BS games, or if this was real. Now I do. You can call it games all you want, but I'm covering both bases.

[Jono85]

dude, you're way too over emotional right now. she can obviously sense as it's blatantly obvious, and it's doing you ZERO favors.

 

i've given you advice before but you haven't taken any of it. you've just continued to text this girl and pour your heart out, and analyze everything she says. this is crashing and burning as i expected..

 

to quickly summarize, i said you had 2 options. to either tell her this is weird/different, and you need space/time, and go NC for a few months and either move on or reconnect down the road. or option 2, continue to conquer this, but you cannot be emotional, you need to dial down like 200%. you essentially need to "game her". she texts you, you stay busy and you text her hours later, or tmrw. just pull back 1000% and let her initiate everything and wonder what YOU'RE doing. that's the only way to make up ground on a girl that's got like 50% feelings or under. what you're doing now is completely stripping any feeling she may have gained from when you went NC.

 

the truth is, you, and I, probably don't like games. the truth is she doesn't feel the same way she once did, so if you go in 100% and open up to her you WILL lose her. it's too much for her. so either get out of this (i would probably do that to be honest) or game her.

[Jono85]

Lol, no. If she sends that text the first thought is, "mmm hmmm.....another one of those BS texts to keep hanging on for just a little longer."

 

I'm playing this out for 2 reasons.

 

1. If she is BS'ing me, what's the point in even saying I'm not ready for this, NC blah blah? It wouldn't matter when I'm ready, she's just a user, and game player for life.

 

2. If she's not BS'ing me, I haven't done anything drastic again, and just played the "whatever" card on her. I didn't make a drastic choice, and leave again for NC, and it won't be the 3rd damn time I gave her a "talk" about the situation.

 

I'm riding this one out, while emotionally detaching. If she ends it, "oh ok, sucks that it didn't work out, peace out."

 

And I didn't dump her, or give her the NC talk, leaving no regrets, and guilt for the future.

 

P.S. What's so sad? I'm not in a maniacal rage right now, or being bi polar. I really have seen everything I need to see through her actions, and non actions. I wasn't born yesterday. The reason why I was going crazy, was because I didn't know if it was BS games, or if this was real. Now I do. You can call it games all you want, but I'm covering both bases.

 

i can guarantee you she senses you're going crazy, even if you think you're playing it cool. girls can sense these things very easily. the fact that she has to say "i'm not ignoring you" should tell you everything. she thinks you're getting upset over her distance (which you are...rightfully)...but she knows that you're hurting right now.

[Simon Phoenix]

This is going to end badly. This is way too soon for this. You don't get points for quickest reconciliation. You're not ready for this at all.

[tikay00]

dude, you're way too over emotional right now. she can obviously sense as it's blatantly obvious, and it's doing you ZERO favors.

 

i've given you advice before but you haven't taken any of it. you've just continued to text this girl and pour your heart out, and analyze everything she says. this is crashing and burning as i expected..

 

to quickly summarize, i said you had 2 options. to either tell her this is weird/different, and you need space/time, and go NC for a few months and either move on or reconnect down the road. or option 2, continue to conquer this, but you cannot be emotional, you need to dial down like 200%. you essentially need to "game her". she texts you, you stay busy and you text her hours later, or tmrw. just pull back 1000% and let her initiate everything and wonder what YOU'RE doing. that's the only way to make up ground on a girl that's got like 50% feelings or under. what you're doing now is completely stripping any feeling she may have gained from when you went NC.

 

the truth is, you, and I, probably don't like games. the truth is she doesn't feel the same way she once did, so if you go in 100% and open up to her you WILL lose her. it's too much for her. so either get out of this (i would probably do that to be honest) or game her.

 

That's what I'm gonna do from here on out.

[tikay00]

i can guarantee you she senses you're going crazy, even if you think you're playing it cool. girls can sense these things very easily. the fact that she has to say "i'm not ignoring you" should tell you everything. she thinks you're getting upset over her distance (which you are...rightfully)...but she knows that you're hurting right now.

 

I know. I'm just gonna do what you said from here on out.

[tikay00]

This is going to end badly. This is way too soon for this. You don't get points for quickest reconciliation. You're not ready for this at all.

 

We'll see what happens. She just added me on Instagram, and deleted 3 users she was following, before adding me. You really think I'm going crazy, or I'm not stupid?

 

Like I said. I'm gonna play it how I play it. I'll update you guys on the results.

 

And I'm not trying to get points. I really didn't want this (kind of did). It was more of a test to see if I'm healed enough to be her friend, then it turned into relationship talk. Look, I get it. I was stupid, I still am. I'm gonna ride this out in a calm manner. The reason why I said what I said earlier is because it now gives me the mentality to ride this out calmly. I need the mentality of not wondering, but also not the brashness to end things, just in case my intuition is wrong.

 

I will update you guys.

Edited January 8, 2015 by tikay00

[Ducktape]

So... Now you're keeping track of IG friends she has, and extrapolate what it means when the number goes up and down?

 

Yeah, you totally got this. You 100% have control on that situation there.

 

...

[tikay00]

i can guarantee you she senses you're going crazy, even if you think you're playing it cool. girls can sense these things very easily. the fact that she has to say "i'm not ignoring you" should tell you everything. she thinks you're getting upset over her distance (which you are...rightfully)...but she knows that you're hurting right now.

 

I'm just gonna do what you said from here on out. But we did have the relationship talk last night, so she's putting on the "I'm not ignoring you, I'm being a good GF" facade up. I got you man. I'm not gonna give a crap from here on out. I'm just gonna ride this out, and no more "talks", or over emotional stuff.

 

Time to make up for lost ground.

[tikay00]

So... Now you're keeping track of IG friends she has, and extrapolate what it means when the number goes up and down?

 

Yeah, you totally got this. You 100% have control on that situation there.

 

...

 

OMG, calm down man. I'm not overreacting to that. I was pointing it out to another poster why I was overreacting before. Because I didn't know whether it was some fake relationship thing going on, or if it was real.

 

I'm not saying "I got this!". I'm saying I now have a clearer picture of what this is, and that I wasn't born yesterday. You don't not reply for 2 hours about an Instagram thing, then just delete 3 users right before adding me.

 

You can call me crazy for noticing that, but it's blatantly obvious what's going on.

 

And yes, I type a crap ton, but this isn't me going crazy right now. This is me knowing what the situation is, and having the mentality that this is most likely a patch it up type relationship. That's exactly what I need right now, and I haven't been going crazy or over thinking things for the past 5-6 hours.

[tikay00]

OK, you guys are gonna say whatever you want.

 

I'll end with this.

 

I now pretty much know this isn't what I wanted, or thought it was. I now have the peace knowing what this is. I can now don't have to go out of my way to be affectionate, or put her on a pedestal, knowing what this is. I'm not saying I'm gonna go cold. I'm saying, no more giving a crap about anything she says, or her inaction's (texting, calling, initiating).

 

Also, I'm not going to give her the NC, not ready for this yet talk, because if it ends up not being a game, I don't want to flip flop on her again. And if this ends up being a game on her part, what's the point in even saying NC, or "I'm not ready". It's over then. I've emotionally detached enough for me to be prepared, and finally get my forever ever closure.

 

Also, you're gonna bring up me over analyzing the Instagram thing. Look, I was just noticing the small thing at the time, SO THEN, I can confirm that she's playing me. I didn't say it bothered me, I'm saying that was confirmation. And yeah, you're gonna say, I'm going crazy, and that's nothing, but 9/10 people would say, "yeah bro, she takes that long to add you, and deletes 3 people off her instagram right before adding you. She's definitely hiding who she was following."

 

From here on out, there's no point in over analyzing anything from her, because I already have the menatlity of this being bogus. BUT, I'm not gonna be brash in the sense of giving her anymore talks, or closure talks. I'm going to ride this out with this mentality, and not kiss her ass, because of it. I'll play this like how I should have from the beginning, and how you guys told me to. Yes, I messed up, i should have listened, but that's in the past, and what's done is done.

 

I'm gonna ride this thing out. You guys can call this a game, but I call this a test. I'm taking this slow, and see where the chips fall.

 

I'm waiting for a response to this post saying I'm being crazy again, and I'm overly emotional.

 

And thank you for all the help. I didn't follow damn near 90% of it, but hey, it happens. I will be back to update once in a while, but I don't want to over indulge on this topic.

Edited January 8, 2015 by tikay00

[Juha]

She broke up with you, so she has to make all the effort to you.

 

You need to not initiate contact, ever! Give her space and let her be, if she really wants you she will contact you. If she does talk a little and then ask her out.

 

Do not push at all, do not talk about relationship, do not talk about the past.

Do nt ask where things are headed. All this will just make things more difficult.

 

Just relax, go and have fun together like you always did. Show her how awesome you and her are together.

 

Again do not contact her at all, she needs to come to you. has to be all her not you chasing at all. If she wants you she will come and get you, then youwill know her true intentions. Asking and talking about it will not reveal it as she may be uncomfortable, unsure, etc...

 

Just get together and have fun and get to know each other again...

Don't be afraid to kiss her either....

 

Just relax, be yourself and show her you are the man for her...

 

Good Luck

[BC1980]

went on breaks 2-3x during our actual relationship. Went out for 6-7 months.

 

You only dated for 6-7 months and had 2-3 breaks. I think you just aren't compatible. It sounds like a roller coaster.

[SoThatHappened]

I was the guy telling you to throw caution to the wind yesterday... then I caught up on the last 4 pages just now.

 

(side note: loveshack.org is blocked on my work server for some reason...)

 

Back to me telling you to "go for it." That was before you mentioned you live 2,000 miles away from each other!!!

 

I thought this girl lived down the road?

 

Either way, calm down. You remind me of that dog from the movie "Up."

 

"Yeah I'm gonna play it coo... SQUIRREL!"

 

"I'm just gonna go for it and see... SQUIRREL!"

 

Reeeeeelax, man. Really think if the distance is worth it. LDR's are hard enough as it is. Pile a handful of breakups on one and you're asking for failure.

[Simon Phoenix]

We'll see what happens. She just added me on Instagram, and deleted 3 users she was following, before adding me. You really think I'm going crazy, or I'm not stupid?

 

Like I said. I'm gonna play it how I play it. I'll update you guys on the results.

 

And I'm not trying to get points. I really didn't want this (kind of did). It was more of a test to see if I'm healed enough to be her friend, then it turned into relationship talk. Look, I get it. I was stupid, I still am. I'm gonna ride this out in a calm manner. The reason why I said what I said earlier is because it now gives me the mentality to ride this out calmly. I need the mentality of not wondering, but also not the brashness to end things, just in case my intuition is wrong.

 

I will update you guys.

 

Even if your intuition is correct, you are going crazy. And there is no way you are capable of being calm -- you're monitoring her Instagram and taking inventory on who she is adding and deleting from her friend's list. There is no way you are flipping a switch from that extremely clingy and controlling mentality to being "calm".

[Aint_Easy]

man you need to a close friend to slap you or something. I can fully admit I did the instagram thing a few times.

 

i can also fully admit that there is no way I am ready to reconcile with her because of this.

[erklat]

I thought yesterday there was a decent possibility that it may work.

[idoltree]

Like others, I'm feeling less optimistic about this.

 

• It's an LDR with no immediate plans to see one another. The other guy is local to her.
  
• 6-7 months with a break is not a long relationship, especially if it's an LDR. There's no foundation here to build back up. It seems like it's more of a distraction from real life for both of you than a solid relationship.
  
• She appears to have backed off. When someone offers something like "I'm not ignoring you" out of the blue, it's recognition that they are at least putting you off. It's not necessary to say something like that if they're really not ignoring you, so if you get that it is the clearest of indicators that you need to immediately back off. Not for a couple of hours; more like a week, minimum.
  
• She's having chest pains, and not texting for full days? She's in turmoil. No matter how cool OP thinks he's playing it, he's pressuring the bejeezus out of her and she's having physical symptoms of stress.
  
• OP does the opposite of the advice on here, while being argumentative, defensive, and insisting he's cool while jumping to conclusions about the future of the relationship based on whatever 5 words he's most recently received from her.
  
• OP commits to chilling the hell out then the next hour he's back with a diatribe about how it's clearly doomed.
  
• OP is monitoring her social media and jumping to conclusions, determined not to be "played." Doesn't realize he's "playing" himself (i.e. sabotaging himself) with his need to stay in control.
  

Tikay, what you should be doing here is LC. Limited contact, being receptive but letting her initiate. Vary times in response, vary affection. Let her wonder. Build intrigue. Don't make yourself appear to be a sure thing. Live your life and don't look at her social media. Acknowledge the reality that she dumped you and has to earn a spot in your heart and life. Instead, you let her back easily and now she's questioning if that's what she wants.

 

You keep saying that you'll chill, but then you'll text her or initiate calls. Stop sending "good morning" texts and having emotional phone calls. It is way too much too soon. Let her show you her intentions by letting her do the work. Just stop and let go of the control you are trying to force.

 

Most of all, stop with the stubborn defensiveness. We are all trying to help you, and as much as you insist you are playing it cool, you very much aren't (and I'd hate to see what it looks like when you're not playing it cool.) Your words and actions don't match up. None of us here are stupid. A person playing it cool would not be acting like you are; they would not be writing the posts you are writing.

 

Be humble, listen to what people are telling you, and stop with the roller-coaster emotions and trying to predict the future. We are trying to help you salvage this, and it is frustrating to watch you say you'll do something and then proceed to do the exact opposite while insisting that you followed advice.

 

A successful reconciliation can only happen with a dumpee who lets the dumper do the work to earn back their trust and is okay living in uncertainty for a little while. You are failing hard at both of these, especially the second one. And talking to the dumper about how they need to earn back your trust in emotional conversations about the status of the relationship versus letting your actions show that is what they need to do is going to pressure them. If you did LC as I described above, it would be clear that the onus is on her, and she would probably work for your trust. Instead you handed it over to her and let her know you were handing it over to her. Those sort of actions are why she's home with chest pains.

 

Chill the hell out and stop trying to protect yourself by predicting the future. If you continue to do that, I'll predict it for you - this won't work out, and it will be partially due to you being unable to live in uncertainty and soothe your own anxiety in healthy productive ways that do not involve turning toward your ex.

Edited January 8, 2015 by idoltree

[tikay00]

Update: Told her NC, we had a beautiful convo on the phone last night, and I'll leave it at that.

 

Now I'm going through square 1, but not because of rejection, but because of something necessary you have to with someone still loves you with all their hearts, and someone you still love with all your heart.

 

I wish I could've just recorded the convo, but I don't have the energy to type out exactly how it went.

 

All I can say is, I was her first true love, and she was mine. Gotta live my life, and ignore even if it goes against every fiber of my being. I have to do it for myself.

 

And please, no, I told you so's, or anything like that. It ended beautifully, but at the same time, I'm still going through it again. Love is harsh.

 

I said it was too soon, and she said she was scared that we both haven't changed enough yet, and she's scared that this could be our one last chance at a reconciliation, and didn't want to sabotage it by both of us not having changed fully. She's still of the mindset that we have to do it perfectly, and not mess up. To the point that we will spend the rest of our lives together. It's because I told her we're not compatible, and such.

 

In the end, have to move on, and not get caught into temptation. Maybe, maybe, we will be again when CONSIDERABLE time has passed, and we're both ready. I told her it's the distance too, and she said, "but we won't be apart forever." I hated hearing those words, because they were genuine, and felt like she felt helpless (as did I), but can't look back. Have to better myself everyday for me, and let my life takes it's course.

 

And again, I apologize for coming off defensive. I hope you guys understand the mental anguish I was going through, and just "AHHHH!" lol. I appreciate all the advice, even if I didn't take it. You guys are wonderful people, and I'll still be around. Sucks that I'm gonna go back to reading these threads again to help motivate me.

[Diezel]

Dude, she's stringing you along. STOP IT.

 

MOVE ON. This isn't a Hollywood movie. Because now you are holding onto a small glimmer of hope that you two are going to get back together... and that's why she said the things she said about the distance "not being forever". She's keeping the possibility of you two open just in case she can't find anyone else.

 

She's going to yo-yo the crap out of you and you don't even know it.