SunshineOnMe Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 So there's this guy I've had a crush on but have a bf whom I love very much. I'll admit that I flirted with this new guy for quite some time. We've even done some physical things together (everything except sex). He would pedal me (playfully) to leave my boyfriend. I have feelings brewing for him, but I care too much for my bf. So to save my relationship, I backed away completely. So what I decided to do was I wouldn't talk to him as much anymore text/call/face-to face. He got the hint and stopped texting me. I rarely even see him now. When I do, he's casual and acts as if we've never done anything before. He never returns texts, calls, etc. Recently... I've wanted to text and see him VERY VERY badly. I check my phone literally every minute to see if something was there. It's getting bad... I love my bf but there this THING I can't describe about the new guy. I know I'm a terrible person for doing this. I just can't get a hold of my emotions. I acknowledge that I'm a bad girlfriend, but I got with the new guy 3 times already. Why do I suddenly want his attention? Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 Let me take a whack at this.... because you're young, you want it all - you especially don't want to be alone. Best case, you grow a pair - break up with your boyfriend before he finds out you cheated on him multiple times, sow your wild oats, explore what you feel like exploring and learn that you don't need endless attention from boys/men for validation. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 Your relationship with your bf is over. You're just acting and pretending. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunshineOnMe Posted January 5, 2015 Author Share Posted January 5, 2015 Your relationship with your bf is over. You're just acting and pretending. No I promise the relationship is still in tact. I do feel bad, and I'm not saying that just so people can lower there judgment. What I'm doing is unorthodox, wrong, etc. I'm fully aware of it. I'm really trying to pull away from this, but it's that ONE guy's attention that I desire for some odd reason. I can't explain. I don't care for the attention from "all the guys". A lot of men try to "get with me" and as soon as I turn them down for anything sexual, they avoid me at all cost. I can't make a decent male friend without them having a hidden agenda. I honestly care for my bf. How could I do this if i loved him? You're right. It's wrong. I'm trying to break this habit. But this new guy was different? It wasn't like I just put out for him the moment we met. This was a large build up. We had an amazing connection and I just got comfortable with him? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 I don't think you know what love is. If you really loved your boyfriend in a genuine way, the very last thing you would ever want to do is hurt him, and obviously, every time you contact this guy, that is what you are doing. Loving someone doesn't mean you enjoy all their attention or going out or whatever; it means you want to protect them and hurt when they hurt and value them too much to hurt them. I think maybe you're self-sabotaging the relationship for some reason and that this other guy is just a way to do it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 No I promise the relationship is still in tact. No it isn't, because you are acting as if you're not doing this behind his back, and you are pretending that he's the only man in your life. Your half of the relationship is a lie. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Light Breeze Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 OP, How old are you? if you're still young, I hope you make a genuine realization that cheating is wrong. Otherwise, you'll end up doing this again and again in your future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HazyCosmicJive Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 So there's this guy I've had a crush on but have a bf whom I love very much. I'll admit that I flirted with this new guy for quite some time. We've even done some physical things together (everything except sex). He would pedal me (playfully) to leave my boyfriend. I have feelings brewing for him, but I care too much for my bf. So to save my relationship, I backed away completely. So what I decided to do was I wouldn't talk to him as much anymore text/call/face-to face. He got the hint and stopped texting me. I rarely even see him now. When I do, he's casual and acts as if we've never done anything before. He never returns texts, calls, etc. Recently... I've wanted to text and see him VERY VERY badly. I check my phone literally every minute to see if something was there. It's getting bad... I love my bf but there this THING I can't describe about the new guy. I know I'm a terrible person for doing this. I just can't get a hold of my emotions. I acknowledge that I'm a bad girlfriend, but I got with the new guy 3 times already. Why do I suddenly want his attention? You sound like the typical immature young female who wants to have her cake and eat it too. You need to stop dating until you grow up. You're not good enough for either of these guys. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 (edited) you are not ready to settle down, otherwise Mother Nature would not let this happen, you would not let this happen, just let your boyf down gently, no need to hurt him by telling him that you met some better, it could affect his confidence, imho perhaps you and the new guy are very suited, one of those things Edited January 6, 2015 by darkmoon 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Danda Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 OP this happens to a lot of people, your feelings don't ever make you a good or bad person, people can't control their emotions. But they CAN control their behavior and that's where you need to step it up as a person here. It's not at all rare for a person to feel "comfortable" in their LTR but to actually fall for someone else. Being comfortable is not the same thing as being in love. Being comfortable means that you know your boyfriend likely won't leave you, but starting a new fling with someone else puts you back into the uncertainty zone. But again, that comfort and security, and enjoying it, is not the same thing as being in love. Right now my impression is that you're not in love with anyone. You're comfortable with your boyfriend, and you're infatuated with another guy. And again, this happens to people, and your feelings don't make you a bad person. But the right thing to do is to end your current relationship, because you're in it for the wrong reasons. Whether things work out with your infatuation interest or not is irrelevant. You don't need to pretend to have emotions you don't, or to not have emotions that you do, in order to be a good person. You need to just make the right decisions, even if it means you give something up (comfort) in the process. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 Limerence. "Limerence (also infatuated love) is an involuntary state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person combined with an overwhelming, obsessive need to have one's feelings reciprocated. Psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined the term "limerence" for her 1979 book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love to describe the concept that had grown out of her work in the mid-1960s, when she interviewed over 500 people on the topic of love. Limerence has been defined by one writer as "an involuntary interpersonal state that involves intrusive, obsessive, and compulsive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are contingent on perceived emotional reciprocation from the object of interest". Limerence has also been defined in terms of the potentially inspirational effects and the relationship to attachment theory, which is not exclusively sexual, as being "an involuntary potentially inspiring state of adoration and attachment to a limerent object involving intrusive and obsessive thoughts, feelings and behaviors from euphoria to despair, contingent on perceived emotional reciprocation”." Source here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Danda Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 Limerence. "Limerence (also infatuated love) is an involuntary state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person combined with an overwhelming, obsessive need to have one's feelings reciprocated. Psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined the term "limerence" for her 1979 book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love to describe the concept that had grown out of her work in the mid-1960s, when she interviewed over 500 people on the topic of love. Limerence has been defined by one writer as "an involuntary interpersonal state that involves intrusive, obsessive, and compulsive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are contingent on perceived emotional reciprocation from the object of interest". Limerence has also been defined in terms of the potentially inspirational effects and the relationship to attachment theory, which is not exclusively sexual, as being "an involuntary potentially inspiring state of adoration and attachment to a limerent object involving intrusive and obsessive thoughts, feelings and behaviors from euphoria to despair, contingent on perceived emotional reciprocation”." Source here. Never heard of that before, interesting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 Never heard of that before, interesting. Yeah, the book is definitely worth a read. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunshineOnMe Posted January 6, 2015 Author Share Posted January 6, 2015 You guys are right... I'll talk to my bf soon about this. He really doesn't deserve any of this going on behind his back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 No I promise the relationship is still in tact. I do feel bad, and I'm not saying that just so people can lower there judgment. What I'm doing is unorthodox, wrong, etc. I'm fully aware of it. I'm really trying to pull away from this, but it's that ONE guy's attention that I desire for some odd reason. I can't explain. I don't care for the attention from "all the guys". A lot of men try to "get with me" and as soon as I turn them down for anything sexual, they avoid me at all cost. I can't make a decent male friend without them having a hidden agenda. I honestly care for my bf. How could I do this if i loved him? You're right. It's wrong. I'm trying to break this habit. But this new guy was different? It wasn't like I just put out for him the moment we met. This was a large build up. We had an amazing connection and I just got comfortable with him? What is really sad, is that this guy who you have chosen to betray your boyfriend with, can't be all that worth the salt either considering he was okay with cheating with you on your boyfriend. I can't imagine a guy having genuine concern and care for a woman, and putting her in the position to compromise herself. Why are you still with your boyfriend though? The cheating and dishonesty aside, if you're so hung up on this other guy then clearly the relationship you're in isn't doing it for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 You guys are right... I'll talk to my bf soon about this. He really doesn't deserve any of this going on behind his back. A simple but useful piece of advice: Don't do things that you will feel bad about later. You're not a bad person - just learn from your mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
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