Why he won't propose even though we are living as a married couple?

[Maria_t]

I need some advise as I can't seem to figure out why my boyfriend of 3 years and 3 months hasn't proposed yet.

 

We are both 25. We've purchased a home together half a year ago and have in total lived together about 2 years. We've spent time overseas living together and traveling and have now settled - both have great jobs and are enjoying life. I've moved countries to be with him and we're leading a life (in my opinion) as every married couple does (joint finances, joint house, car - apart from finances, we love each other deeply and take care of each other), we talk about having kids together in the future and getting married one day and tell each other we are each other's true loves, and are very happy together - so everything is going very well but I was expecting a proposal about half a year ago and there is still no sign of him proposing.

 

I'm getting a bit frustrated and feel like if he waits too much longer, it won't be the same - it wouldn't be as special or romantic. If we get into a routine as we have started to, I fear the romance won't be there and the timing of a proposal (which he wants to be a surprise for me) would be off. I don't want to pressure him and keep talking about marriage and proposing. I want him to make the move without me having to tell him more than once. He wants this too and wants to get married to me but for some reason he's holding it off - I've asked him recently if proposing was in his mind at all and he's said that I don't need to worry about that, that he thinks a proposal should be a surprise for me and not talked about previously. So we don't talk about it but it's been on my mind quite a bit lately because I'm beginning to think I'll be waiting a long time for this to happen. We've discussed marriage and we know we both want to marry each other so the only thing I can assume is that he is waiting to save up for a ring and/or wedding and is just a bit comfortable with the way things are now and just not rushed. We are both earning well and finding means to buy a ring is not at all too tough (money can be saved pretty quickly for the ring and he knows I wouldn't want an expensive ring or an expensive big wedding) so I'm just not sure where he is at in his mind. Does anyone have any advise or reasons as to why he might be putting this off? Another note that might be of importance - he is quite close with his family and I believe he could be a bit emotionally attached to them and not ready to start his own family just yet - I don't know if this is the case, but just another thought that has come to my mind. We've discussed that we wouldn't want kids just yet but would definitely want them in the future.

Thanks

[MissBee]

For me, I wouldn't buy a house and live like a married couple with a man I'm not married to. I'm old-fashioned like that (as well as practical) where I'm not going to commit to something like that, entwining finances and all without a commitment (i.e. engagement or marriage). So if my boyfriend for example wanted me to buy a house with him, move across country with him, act like I'm his wife - he needs to make me his wife! Until then, I'm his gf and certain things are reserved for marriage. He would then have his own incentive to make me his wife in that case as he wouldn't be getting ALL the benefits of a wife without actually taking that step. However, you say you already live like a married couple, I imagine then that there isn't a HUGE incentive to marry you (not that he never will but there is no rush). If you do all a wife would and live like husband and wife, then there isn't some huge rush to make it official because there really won't be much difference for him maybe. So probably that's his mindset, that you are already like a married couple so it's not like he needs to rush because there is nothing he's not getting now as just your bf.

 

I'm also curious about how it will be any less special the more he waits? I guess for me what's special would be me going from gf to fiance to wife to buying a house together and all that...but if you've lived together for two years, bought a house together and all....I mean...how is waiting less special since I guess in my mind all the other special stuff has already been done?

 

Anyway, I'd talk to him again about what you're hoping for or what he is in terms of timelines for tying the knot. He can keep the actual engagement a surprise, doesn't mean as a couple you shouldn't discuss when you want to get married in a concrete way. You bought a house together and had to plan that. Marriage is no different. That too should be discussed like: we should get married in the next year/two and I'd like to start a family in the next 5 (or whatever it is for you). Then he can surprise you sometime within that time frame with the proposal.

[Maria_t]

Thanks for the advise - I get where you are coming from - I didn't imagine living together and let alone buying a house with someone unless we were at least engaged but our circumstances were different - we didn't live in the same country (met while he was on vacation, then he moved for half a year to be with me and then I moved after I've completed my studies to be with him in his country and since then been living here where we also purchased a home as we didn't want to lose money on renting). Anyways - we BOTH made commitments here (financial commitments), so I don't believe either is in the advantage. What I did believe was that the proposal would have come way sooner but he is thinking otherwise.

[carhill]

No rush, you're 25.

[MissBee]

Thanks for the advise - I get where you are coming from - I didn't imagine living together and let alone buying a house with someone unless we were at least engaged but our circumstances were different - we didn't live in the same country (met while he was on vacation, then he moved for half a year to be with me and then I moved after I've completed my studies to be with him in his country and since then been living here where we also purchased a home as we didn't want to lose money on renting). Anyways - we BOTH made commitments here (financial commitments), so I don't believe either is in the advantage. What I did believe was that the proposal would have come way sooner but he is thinking otherwise.

 

I understand.

 

No use just thinking/believing though. It warrants a sit down conversation where you tell him your concerns/desires and then make a realistic plan about a time frame, which I think is reasonable.

 

Proposals are romantic and all but it's just one part of it and the concrete plans about marriage are more important so I think that warrants a discussion and getting that figured out and then it's up to him when he surprises you (within the pre-discussed and agreed time frame). But to sit waiting and waiting with no clue isn't a good plan.

[PegNosePete]

For me, I wouldn't buy a house and live like a married couple with a man I'm not married to.

The opposite for me. I wouldn't marry someone unless I have an established track record of living together, sharing finances and life's problems and issues. Marrying someone without knowing how married life will be, is like buying a car without taking a test drive. Crazy!

 

I don't get all this proposal ceremony stuff. If you have talked to him and agreed that you both want to get married then guess what - you're engaged! An engagement is nothing more than a promise to marry. The ring and the getting down on one knee stuff is all extra. It's been so dressed up in our society that people place so much emphasis on the ceremony than what it actually means. In fact the expensive diamond ring thing was simply an invention of De Beers diamond company in 1939. In 1939, only 10% of engagement rings were diamond; by 1990, it was 80%. They introduced the whole "one month's salary" tradition and later increased it to 3 months salary. What a fantastic piece of marketing work they have done! They essentially invented a tradition which put their products in massive demand, out of thin air!

 

But anyway, that's kind of off topic I guess. If you need some kind of ceremony to solidify your engagement then I suggest talking to him. If you don't want to ruin the surprise then ask him for a general timescale. Will it be next months, next 6 months, next 12 months etc.

[d0nnivain]

It's the old free milk & a cow analysis.

 

 

Buying the house & living with you gives him all of the benefits of being married with none of the commitments. I have lived with men but not owned real estate with them. The commitment of marriage is way more significant than even the financial commitment of a house.

 

 

If you want to be married, you have to talk to him. If he's telling you someday you have choices: wait & continue to be increasingly unhappy or walk. There is no middle ground.

[Quiet Storm]

I think his willingness to buy a home and intertwine your financial life means that he likely does see you as his life partner. In other words, I don't think this is a case of him stringing you along indefinitely because he doesn't see you as "the one".

 

I think he probably likes things "as is" and this is why he is not prompted to propose or seriously consider marriage right now. You naturally see marriage as the "next step", but he may see it as being years down the line. Since he is already receiving the benefits of marriage, there is no sense of urgency.

 

In his mind, marriage is probably not some great romantic milestone, it's just something that he will eventually do, when you two are more serious about having a family. He knows that you are 25, so he figures he has at least 5 years before your biological clock becomes a factor.

 

I've noticed in this younger generation, many guys just don't seem to have that "I want you to be my wife" feeling. They want a companion, a roommate, a life partner... but the specialness factor of marriage seems to have faded away.

 

When my husband proposed, he wanted to be with me forever and marriage was the way to make that that happen. Back then, "living together" was often seen as a temporary thing, instead of a step towards marriage or a test to see if you are compatible.

 

Living together first can be smart, but it also can make things too comfortable. Think about it- what will change in your day to day life if you are married? Not much, and he realizes that. He already has a household with you. He already has someone to share a bed with. You two are established enough that he isn't worried about other guys enticing you with more to offer. So that specialness that guys used to feel, that feeling of proudly being able to say "this beautiful woman is MY wife", just doesn't seem to exist anymore.

 

The problem is that if you push hard or make demands, it will make him feel pressured and take all the romance out of it. You don't want him to do it just to shut you up. You want him to do it because in his heart, he wants you to be his wife.

[MissBee]

The opposite for me. I wouldn't marry someone unless I have an established track record of living together, sharing finances and life's problems and issues. Marrying someone without knowing how married life will be, is like buying a car without taking a test drive. Crazy!

 

And if you do that without the protection of marriage if that goes sour isn't the fall out probably even more convoluted to figure out how to split a house and other assets with someone you're not legally married to?

 

In any case, to each her own. You can very well figure out within good reason what it would be like to be married without actually buying a house with them, people have done it for ages. It's not like you meet them online and marry them the first time you meet in person.

 

But that's besides the point anyway. The OP says she's already living like a married couple with her boyfriend and this is the age old problem, if we go through this forum there are many threads about that, so at the minimum, we can at least say that if you're someone who wants to get married, don't live like you're married with your SO without discussing concrete plans for a time frame to tie the knot, as lots of times it just ends up in confusion about where things are headed as you already do everything married people do, so they see no need and are in no rush for the legal or ceremonial aspect.

[MissBee]

 

Living together first can be smart, but it also can make things too comfortable. Think about it- what will change in your day to day life if you are married? Not much, and he realizes that. He already has a household with you. He already has someone to share a bed with. You two are established enough that he isn't worried about other guys enticing you with more to offer. So that specialness that guys used to feel, that feeling of proudly being able to say "this beautiful woman is MY wife", just doesn't seem to exist anymore.

 

Agree.

 

I don't think he doesn't want to marry her or never will but since for all intents and purposes most of what he would gain from marriage he's already getting, there isn't some huge rush or impetus to change things as in reality nothing much will change. So he will probably eventually do it but it won't come with the same milestone, romantic rush that couples who aren't already living together and where it's a new milestone might feel.

[orangetree]

Im sure most people here will tell you 'You already bought a house with him and live like a married couple, why would he propose' and 'Why would he propose if he gets the milk for free'.

 

That might be true in some cases. In many cases it's not true. I know many, many couples who bought a house together and even had kids before they got married. I don't even know anyone who did not live with their boyfriend before they got married.

 

To me, it seems like your boyfriend is too young to get married. You say he's 25- Most guys with 25 aren't ready yet for a bigger commitment or to get married. Your boyfriend doesn't seem that immature because he's ready to live with you and buying a house together is a commitment. If both of you were 30 or older I would say he's probably stringing you along or he's just against the concept of marriage. Now I would say he's just too young.

 

Talk to him about it. That's the only way to find out how he feels about getting married in a nearer future.

[Pinkdisney]

Not to dump on you more but I agree with pretty much everything that was already said; you have bought a house, moved to different countries, co-mingled finances yet now you can't mutually set a date to be engaged? I mean in this situation, living under the same roof, are you really expecting that out of the blue surprise traditional marriage proposal when everything else you've done is non-traditional? Sit down your BF and have the conversation and get on the same page. If you aren't and he want to keep stalling then you know where you stand.

[MJJean]

 

To me, it seems like your boyfriend is too young to get married. You say he's 25- Most guys with 25 aren't ready yet for a bigger commitment or to get married. Your boyfriend doesn't seem that immature because he's ready to live with you and buying a house together is a commitment. If both of you were 30 or older I would say he's probably stringing you along or he's just against the concept of marriage. Now I would say he's just too young.

 

Talk to him about it. That's the only way to find out how he feels about getting married in a nearer future.

 

So, he's too young to get married, but old enough to live like he's married including a shared mortgage? Umm, yeah...no. If he's old enough to play married he's old enough to get married.

 

You mention wanting the romance. Well, you already had it! You already did the romantic things newlyweds do like travel together, move in together in a big romantic gesture due to different home countries, merge your lives and finances, live together, buy a house together...It's like you completed a task and skipped a step along the way and now you want to go back and do that step over or something.

 

A big romantic proposal is all about being anxious regarding the answer and a big swell of emotions. The engagement is all about the anticipation of starting a life together, the planning and dreaming of the future life you'll live as a married couple. You've skipped that step. You leave no anxiety regarding the answer. He knows you want to get married. You leave him no anticipation of starting a life together because you're already living a life together. So, why bother? Why go through the hassle, stress, and expense of a proposal and wedding for just about nothing to change?

 

Just tell him you want to get engaged before you're a 32 year old mother of 3 that's still waiting for a ring. See what he says. If he tries to delay even talking about it then you know he doesn't want to marry you.

Edited January 7, 2015 by MJJean

[Cynicalme]

Oh for crying out loud. Forget about the romantic get on his knees proposal. Take him to the courthouse or whatever it is you go to in the country you live in and just do it. If he balks... there's your answer.

[orangetree]

So, he's too young to get married, but old enough to live like he's married including a shared mortgage? Umm, yeah...no. If he's old enough to play married he's old enough to get married.

 

 

 

 

You got a point there. Most men I know that are 20-28 were too young to get married, but also often too young to buy a house with a partner or even live together. Maybe he just feels like there is no rush since they're both very young. I mean, I'm almost 27, female and I still don't feel I'm in a rush to get married. Imagining to be a guy of 25... well, I would probably feel like I had all the time in the world. But again, only an honest conversation with him can reveal why he hasn't proposed yet and what his ideas of the future are.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Why he won't propose even though we are living as a married couple?

 

 

 

I didn't even read your post, as you answered your own question in the thread title.

[mammasita]

Why should he? He has everything already without having to.

[PegNosePete]

And if you do that without the protection of marriage if that goes sour isn't the fall out probably even more convoluted to figure out how to split a house and other assets with someone you're not legally married to?

Certainly not!!! Unmarried couple, both on the house deeds is a simple 50% each. If neither can afford to buy the other out then the house has to be sold, fees deducted and the remainder split 50/50. Simple. Whereas if you're married then it's a massively convoluted process where needs, incomes, other financial commitments etc all come into play. This is where the lawyers make all their money. How many "acrimonious breakups of unmarried couples" do you hear about in the news? None. That's because it is extremely simple to split finances if you're not married. Whereas if you are, it's highly complex.

 

What is this "protection of marriage" that you mention, exactly? What protection do you think you have if you're married? Sure, if one party is a homemaker then marriage would offer that party protection. If you have kids then being married has legal advantages. But two equal-earners without kids - "protection" from what?

[Absinthe]

The opposite for me. I wouldn't marry someone unless I have an established track record of living together, sharing finances and life's problems and issues. Marrying someone without knowing how married life will be, is like buying a car without taking a test drive. Crazy!

 

I used to think this way too, until I got screwed over by my ex-cohabitee and had no legal leg to stand on. I ended up sleeping on other people's sofas, losing a lot of shared possessions, and had to rebuild my life virtually from scratch as I'd sold a lot of my own furniture and possessions to move over to his country. I survived, of course, but the casual way he just ended it and expected me to move out, as if we'd merely been dating, was a wake-up call for me. One would hope a married person would not be quite so flippant.

 

I'd rather analyse the way a person lives independently - if they're able to pay bills on time, clean up after themselves, etc.

 

All that said, there's no guarantee that you can tolerate each other for 5, 10, 20 years unless you take a gigantic leap of faith anyway.

[PegNosePete]

One would hope a married person would not be quite so flippant.

Ha! You can hope all you want but if the relationship is over, then the relationship is over and the person will act as they please whether married or not.

 

It sounds pretty terrible what happened to you, and yes if you'd been married you would have had a lot more rights and protection. But in this case the OP jointly owns the house. It's not possible for what happened to you, to happen to her. She already has a legal right to stay even if the relationship ends; getting married would not increase her rights in that regard.

[Absinthe]

Ha! You can hope all you want but if the relationship is over, then the relationship is over and the person will act as they please whether married or not.

 

It sounds pretty terrible what happened to you, and yes if you'd been married you would have had a lot more rights and protection. But in this case the OP jointly owns the house. It's not possible for what happened to you, to happen to her. She already has a legal right to stay even if the relationship ends; getting married would not increase her rights in that regard.

 

I'm British, so I'm going by the law there, but anyone who thinks that a partnership has a similar legal status as a marriage would be advised to do their homework. Not just on shared accommodation, but a wide variety of things: inheritance, tax, you name it.

 

I am as unreligious and cynical as they come, but yeah, to me marriage IS a big indicator that my partner is serious about me, moreso than thinking he can play house with me whilst he figures out what he wants.

[PegNosePete]

I'm British, so I'm going by the law there, but anyone who thinks that a partnership has a similar legal status as a marriage would be advised to do their homework.

Of course, I never claimed they have a similar legal status. I said that if a couple jointly own a house, getting married will not increase the rights of occupation.

[Timshel]

Certainly not!!! Unmarried couple, both on the house deeds is a simple 50% each. If neither can afford to buy the other out then the house has to be sold, fees deducted and the remainder split 50/50. Simple. Whereas if you're married then it's a massively convoluted process where needs, incomes, other financial commitments etc all come into play. This is where the lawyers make all their money. How many "acrimonious breakups of unmarried couples" do you hear about in the news? None. That's because it is extremely simple to split finances if you're not married. Whereas if you are, it's highly complex.

 

What is this "protection of marriage" that you mention, exactly? What protection do you think you have if you're married? Sure, if one party is a homemaker then marriage would offer that party protection. If you have kids then being married has legal advantages. But two equal-earners without kids - "protection" from what?

 

I agree with you to an extent. I do see A LOT of them on Judge Judy though.

[MissBee]

Certainly not!!! Unmarried couple, both on the house deeds is a simple 50% each. If neither can afford to buy the other out then the house has to be sold, fees deducted and the remainder split 50/50. Simple. Whereas if you're married then it's a massively convoluted process where needs, incomes, other financial commitments etc all come into play. This is where the lawyers make all their money. How many "acrimonious breakups of unmarried couples" do you hear about in the news? None. That's because it is extremely simple to split finances if you're not married. Whereas if you are, it's highly complex.

 

What is this "protection of marriage" that you mention, exactly? What protection do you think you have if you're married? Sure, if one party is a homemaker then marriage would offer that party protection. If you have kids then being married has legal advantages. But two equal-earners without kids - "protection" from what?

 

I don't want to derail this thread since it is not in fact about the pros and cons of living together/owning property while unmarried vs. married, but the short answer is: when married the laws governing your finances are pretty clear while in it and at its dissolution. When simply dating someone there is a lot more grey area. This massively convoluted process you're describing in marriage dissolution versus unmarried people breaking up when they have a house, furniture, combined assets and the rest as "simple" is patently false. Divorce laws are clear, breaking up with your boyfriend laws not so much. Breakups in themselves are difficult processes and often not mutual, and I think sometimes the myth is sold that somehow divorce is messy but single people (living exactly like they are married but without the legal contract) breaking up, everyone is civil and amicable and things just get easily split 50/50 and people go their separate ways...if only! Just like some divorces are civil and straightforward needing no more than a mediator, some breakups where you own things together are as such. However, just like there are messy divorces, there are messy breakups and an unmarried couple living like they are married have a lot more murky financial and legal waters to wade through.

 

Most of the laws about joint real estate ownership and financial assets are biased towards married couples and the laws are laid out explicitly about how it works in that realm whereas for an unmarried couple it is less explicit. For reference, Realtor.com lays out some of the pros and cons and differences between an unmarried couple purchasing a home vs. a married couple and like I said, one of their points was that:

 

http://www.realtor.com/advice/buy-home-marriage/

If you intend to buy a house with your partner before marriage, experts advise that you both sign a legal agreement to avoid altercations down the road. Should any snags occur in your relationship when you are not married, you and your partner do not have the same legal protections as married couples, and breaking up co-ownership of a house can be a messy ordeal. A legal contract between an unmarried couple should fill in the blanks as to who is responsible for expenses, the mortgage, taxes, capital gains, property title and more.

 

Likewise Forbes also has an article advising the unmarried who want to buy a home together and their first point is:

 

http://www.forbes.com/sites/northwesternmutual/2014/07/07/first-comes-love-then-comes-mortgage-5-tips-for-unmarried-couples-buying-a-house-together/

Look Before You Leap

“Married couples have a large body of law to protect their rights if their union dissolves. With unmarried partners, the law is less clear,” says Horning. “While no one goes into a relationship expecting the worst, it can be more difficult to break the co-ownership of a house than it is to get a divorce.” For this reason, Horning suggests that you consider the following five tips before meeting with a realtor.

 

Bankrate.com also says the same:

 

http://www.bankrate.com/brm/news/real-estate/unwed-buying1.asp

While you don't have to be married to own a home together, you do need to realize that buying property is likely to be just as complicated, expensive and life-altering as any marriage.

 

"It's harder to break up co-ownership of a house than it is to get a divorce -- longer, more expensive and more difficult," explains Frederick Hertz, co-author of "The Living Together Kit" and an Oakland, Calif., attorney specializing in real property matters for unmarried couples, gay and straight.

Many issues that are taken for granted for married couples need to be cleared up for unmarried lovebirds.

 

The consensus is that the legal protection afforded married couples is not the same for the unmarried.We can make another thread about it if you'd like to discuss further, but I didn't really want to go back and forth too much in this thread since the OP's question isn't about this but about why her bf won't propose when they are living like married.

Edited January 7, 2015 by MissBee

[Bellaisa]

Speaking from experience, he may not need marriage like you do.

 

Personally, I don't need to get married to be happy...there is no rush.

 

Even though he may want to marry you, or be with you for the long run, marriage may not be high up on his importance list like it is for you.

 

In fact, if it was, he probably would have proposed already.

 

That's not a bad thing!

 

It doesn't mean he loves you any less or wants to keep his options open, it just means the act of getting married is not the be-all of life for him.