Why he won't propose even though we are living as a married couple?

[SolG]

Lol! This thread reminds me of the movie Think Like a Man based on the Steve Harvey book. There's a couple in that movie in a similar sitch to yours; she really wants to get married, him... not so much. You should watch it. For a laugh if nothing else :-) It could also be a conversation starter for the two of you if you watch it together!

 

Bottom line probably is, why should he get married? What advantages does it offer him beyond what he has right now?

 

As for marriage vs de facto laws, where I live the rights are pretty much equal once you've lived together for two years as per following extract from my state's legal aid site:

 

'This fact sheet provides information about the laws affecting de facto couples. The laws cover property division, maintenance, financial agreements and the superannuation of people in de facto relationships. All de facto couples have the same rights as married couples under the Family Law Act in relation to the distribution of property. Same-sex relationships are included within the definition of 'de facto couple' in federal laws. The Child Support (Assessment) Act also applies to same-sex couples.'

 

You should be on top of your rights for your jurisdiction before you go into a common-law relationship.

[MJJean]

You got a point there. Most men I know that are 20-28 were too young to get married, but also often too young to buy a house with a partner or even live together. Maybe he just feels like there is no rush since they're both very young. I mean, I'm almost 27, female and I still don't feel I'm in a rush to get married. Imagining to be a guy of 25... well, I would probably feel like I had all the time in the world. But again, only an honest conversation with him can reveal why he hasn't proposed yet and what his ideas of the future are.

 

Sometimes the generational gap really becomes glaringly obvious. When I was your age, I had 3 children, had been married and divorced and remarried, was in the process of buying a house, and hadn't lived at home for nearly 10 years. I'm now 39, btw. And thankful that the last of my brood will be leaving home in 5 years while I am still young enough to have and enjoy a post kid life.

 

And, of course, I was already feeling the beginnings of that biological clock ticking away letting me know I may want to consider another baby or two before I was old enough to be concerned with decreased fertility and high risk pregnancy due to age. Not to mention I didn't want to be that late 30 something who has a baby and gets mistaken for it's grandmother at pre-school.

 

I don't get this whole prolonged adolescence that seems to be a thing now.

 

Part of the "you're young and have plenty of time" thing is that A) we don't know we have plenty of time. People die under 30 every day from accidents, illnesses, stupid mistakes, etc. and B) we seem to keep telling ourselves that until we're actually out of time.

 

One of my closest friends is 41 and been married for a couple of years now. She claims they are going to have children. Not a "thank God we could get pregnant" child, but more than one! Why? Because she keeps thinking they're still young-ish and have plenty of time.

 

To my way of thinking, one should know within a year if marriage is where they are headed and plan accordingly. If marriage is not firmly where the couple is headed they should break it off to allow themselves time to find a suitable mate, have whatever family they want to have, and get on with life.

 

If I was the OP I think I'd be at the "either we're getting married relatively soon or it's time for me to think about moving on" stage. And I'd put it just that way to my partner. If marriage is that important to her than she needs to flat out say it to her BF and find out if marriage is in the cards for them. If not, she needs to decide if marriage means more to her than their current relationship. If not, carry on. If so, move on.

Edited January 8, 2015 by MJJean

[dancehead]

 

 

The consensus is that the legal protection afforded married couples is not the same for the unmarried.We can make another thread about it if you'd like to discuss further, but I didn't really want to go back and forth too much in this thread since the OP's question isn't about this but about why her bf won't propose when they are living like married.

 

This would depend on the laws of the country where they are living. In the case of the USA its sounds as though you have far more legal protection when the marriage ends, especially if you have a pre-nup in place.

 

Though in the case of the UK it is far easier to split if you are not married. Pre-nups are not recognised in divorce courts. Usually the woman would get the house, custody of the children. The man would have to pay maintainance to the ex wife, while he lives in a bedsit crying into his beer. The ex wife lives it up in his old house with her fancy man that she cheated on the ex with. This is typical in the UK.

[Radu]

I don't want to damped your spirits OP, but if those are the reasons you want to marry ... i think you've got it a bit wrong.

 

Your thinking is to get married while the relationship is good.

Marriage is for life [or it should be if you consider having kids], and the red panic button named Divorce should not be pushed with ease.

 

Marriage in and of itself should not be the goal, but just a step to it, or a validation of that step.

And if you do that without the protection of marriage if that goes sour isn't the fall out probably even more convoluted to figure out how to split a house and other assets with someone you're not legally married to?

 

Depends on a number of factors, but i would say that generally the protection of marriage is more for women than men.

 

For men, marriage is not such a great deal.

[Radu]

I think you guys are forgetting the biggest marriage penalty of all, divorce ... especially if you are the partner who makes more.

[dragon_fly_7]

Depends on a number of factors, but i would say that generally the protection of marriage is more for women than men.

 

For men, marriage is not such a great deal.

Actually it's because more women are all into giving it all freely, agreeing with their bf's agenda without the making the man do some effort nor ever establishing a time frame and moving in with a bf is the easiest and definite way of never getting a proposal. What ends up happening is the guy simply has no motivation because he already has it all for free.

 

 

If all women made sure that nothing is given for nothing and the ''moving in together'' was rejected from the start, then this would lead to men having no other option than to make more efforts and thus become motivated towards getting married.

[PegNosePete]

If all women made sure that nothing is given for nothing and the ''moving in together'' was rejected from the start, then this would lead to men having no other option than to make more efforts and thus become motivated towards getting married.

So what you're saying is that all men want to "get it for free" which means living together without being married.

 

Whereas women want to get married and can and should use all the trickery they have at their disposal to get the guy "locked down" into marriage before moving in.

 

So in conclusion, marriage is a good deal for women, and a bad one for men...?

 

In the UK lt least, there is no distinction between the man and the woman in law. If they are childless, earn approximately equal and jointly own the house, there is NO advantage or "protection" of being married.

[dragon_fly_7]

So what you're saying is that all men want to "get it for free" which means living together without being married.

 

Whereas women want to get married and can and should use all the trickery they have at their disposal to get the guy "locked down" into marriage before moving in.

 

So in conclusion, marriage is a good deal for women, and a bad one for men...?

 

In the UK lt least, there is no distinction between the man and the woman in law. If they are childless, earn approximately equal and jointly own the house, there is NO advantage or "protection" of being married.

What I'm trying to say is that if the woman is marriage minded then she shouldn't be playing house by keeping temporary guys that she won't end up being with permanenltly if that's how she strongly feels about settling down and having kids. By doing the ''cohabitation thing'', she is already showing the man that she isn't marriage minded after all and is happy doing it all for nothing, getting mediocre love/commitment in return. Then that's when many of these women find themselves in the ''forever live-on gf'' situation and not getting proposed after 4+ yrs.

 

 

Off course this doesn't apply to all women but to those that want marriage and kids. Personally, I don't want kids (and I'm nearly 28) and marriage isn't my main goal but I'm one of the few women like that. Not many are like this. So yes, men will have a much harder time finding a woman that doesn't want kids nor marriage than vice-versa; but she's still out there. Now as for the man, if that is what he wants, to play house without having to settle down nor have kids, then he should seek harder for a woman like that. Yes, there are women like that out there too besides me. He shouldn't lead on marriage-minded women if he never intended to propose.

Edited January 16, 2015 by dragon_fly_7

[Cynicalme]

Actually it's because more women are all into giving it all freely, agreeing with their bf's agenda without the making the man do some effort nor ever establishing a time frame and moving in with a bf is the easiest and definite way of never getting a proposal. What ends up happening is the guy simply has no motivation because he already has it all for free.

 

 

This is EXACTLY what my brother and his friends told me.

[Radu]

Actually it's because more women are all into giving it all freely, agreeing with their bf's agenda without the making the man do some effort nor ever establishing a time frame and moving in with a bf is the easiest and definite way of never getting a proposal. What ends up happening is the guy simply has no motivation because he already has it all for free.

 

 

If all women made sure that nothing is given for nothing and the ''moving in together'' was rejected from the start, then this would lead to men having no other option than to make more efforts and thus become motivated towards getting married.

 

It's because of some women, it's because of feminism that made the institution of marriage into the enemy.

What resulted was the rise of the Divorce, remarriages, hook-up culture, etc ...

 

So now men can have sex without marriage, especially since in most relationships he earns more and stands to lose more in the case of a Divorce [in terms of assets].

[Radu]

So what you're saying is that all men want to "get it for free" which means living together without being married.

 

Whereas women want to get married and can and should use all the trickery they have at their disposal to get the guy "locked down" into marriage before moving in.

 

So in conclusion, marriage is a good deal for women, and a bad one for men...?

 

In the UK lt least, there is no distinction between the man and the woman in law. If they are childless, earn approximately equal and jointly own the house, there is NO advantage or "protection" of being married.

 

There are disadvantages though, especially if you end up in front of a Judge during a Divorce.

[willpower321]

I think he is saving for a ring as you speak. He told you not to worry about it because he is trying to surprise you... You should let him do it on his own time... the worst thing I hear my guy friends say is that their woman won't stop obsessing over marriage or engagement. The more you bring it up the more he thinks about it and it can be a turn off.

 

Goodluck