What can I do to get a second chance? How can I not mess it up?

[Lost Azrael]

Hi. My name is Robert Young, and I'm from Provo, Utah. For the last year and a half, I've been with the most incredible girl. For the past year, we've been engaged. And four days ago, she broke it off. I've wanted to talk to her, I've wanted to apologize, I've wanted to have her as a friend, but she won't turn her phone on, she hasn't checked her e-mail in a long while, and there's no other way I can contact her.

 

The first three months of the relationship were sheer joy. Nothing but joy. We are both religious people (same religion, LDS), and after three months, we went slightly beyond what our religious standards said for physical intimacy. Essentially, dry sex. I know many of you will not see this as bad, but we did, and certainly still do. This led to a spiral of chaos, where my clinical depression kicked up, and things started to get hard. We had a discussion shortly thereafter in which we were essentially trying to "appease god," trying to figure out how things were going to work. In the end, she thought that breaking up with me would be the best idea. It took about three seconds for us to realize how wrong that was, and how much it hurt.

 

I couldn't blame God for it and still maintain faith, and I couldn't find a way to blame myself. So, despite my desires, I started to blame her. This led to repressed anger, insecurity, and a downward spiral. We both had problems with faith, problems with feeling passion in the relationship, problems with depression, and some insecurity issues. We had multiple subsequent break-ups, none of which lasted more than a week. We realized we didn't want to live without each other.

 

Though passion faded, a strong bond of love grew between us. We romanticized each other, we did everything we could. But somehow, the past was still not forgiven. And as we continued to do physical things beyond the advisement of a religion that we both firmly believe in, guilt entered as well.

 

It got to the point that we were arguing every day. She couldn't communicate (because of problems in her family), and I lost my temper continually (because of problems in mine). To be honest, retrospectively, I'm shocked that she stuck with me this long.

 

Four days ago, after the death of her grandfather led her to cancel our date plans, and she sucked herself into a non-communicative shell, unwilling to talk or be comforted, I got mad. More mad than I should have ever been. And I was cruel beyond reason. I yelled at her and I swore at her. I felt so bad that night, that I went out to the store and bought her a pint of the most expensive ice-cream (which was her favorite), her favorite chocolates, and her favorite drink. The next day, she avoided me, then at night, brought her dad, gave me the title to our car, gave back the ring, and broke up with me, saying that there was someone better out there for her, and someone better out there for me. She said this break up was a "never again" thing. I could see, I know her so well, why she said that. I questioned her. "Are you saying that because it's real, or because you don't want to be stuck in the emotions of this relationship?" She said the second. Acknowledged, rather. And I asked her before she left if she still loved me. She was unwilling to answer the question, but when I pushed it, she said "Yes, I love you, but I can't be "in love" with you anymore. I can't love you romantically. I don't love you romantically."

 

Obviously, I was shattered. We had been together for a long time, and we had a lot of plans for the future. In the time since, I've spent my time split between introspection and grief. My introspection has led to a lot of realizations, including all of the problems I had that I was so blind to.

 

Masochism and pornography addictions were infrequent but recurring problems. My depression and insecurity made things hard. Most of all my selfishness and temper is what hurt and destroyed things. Though she had problems too, it is apparent that most of them were mine.

 

Today, I thought through my desire for a second chance. Did I really want it? Was it really good for us? I though a lot about it, and came to a series of conclusions. First, that we needed time. Time to forgive, and time to reset. Otherwise, a second chance would be useless. Second, that I needed to overcome my problems. That meaning, first, I would need to break addictions. If I returned to the grasp of pornography, masturbation, or masochism, then a wedge would be within the relationship. A hard one, which would make the start very difficult. Second, I would need to forgive. That was my problem. I couldn’t forgive, because I didn’t have the space, and our daily arguments reaffirmed that I had no reason to forgive. If I can forgive completely the occurrences of the past, then we could start over again. If I can’t, then most likely, we will to that rut that we were stuck in. Third, I need to grow up in many ways. If I loose my temper at these slight things, than I am just going to torture her if we are in a relationship. If I become a better person, and don’t lose my temper, than I could wonderful for her.

 

So, here's the advice I need. 1. How to overcome my problems. 2. How to show her I'm sincere. 3. How to get a second chance. 4. How not to fall back into the same cycle.

 

Mainly number three. I know how to do the others. I've overcome problems before, and if you're sincere, it shows. But if she doesn't want it at all, what can I do? I don't want to be deceiptful or anything. I don't want to coerse her back into the relationship. But more than anything, right now, I want a second chance.

 

Thank you for looking. Feel free to bash me, but I won't take criticism of her or our compatibility very well. Those issues are things I have already made my mind up about. Thank you.

[LucreziaBorgia]

The only way a second chance will work is if she wants one. It could be that she fell out of love with you for any number of reasons - and there is even a chance that it had nothing to do with anything you were doing. It could have been an internal decision on her part, and nothing you could have done or changed would have stopped her from falling out of love with you.

 

These changes that you want to make in your life are positive ones, even outside the context of this relationship. There is no reason why you should not go ahead and focus on those - and make the motive be 'fixing them because you want to' - not 'fixing them only to get her back'. If she were going to come back, I seriously doubt she'd want to be with you if you lack the inner strength to want to fix these things on your own without using her as the motivation for doing so.

 

1. How to overcome my problems.

2. How to show her I'm sincere.

3. How to get a second chance.

4. How not to fall back into the same cycle.

 

1. Call a therapist and make an appointment to get some help with the problems you are having.

2. She will only see you as sincere when she chooses to see you that way. You can be 100% sincere, and she still might not see it that way.

3. By accepting that the relationship is over, and any future relationship will be different from the first. No one will go back to a relationship that doesn't offer anything but what they rejected in the first place.

4. See above. Unless you put the old relationship behind you and work on making positive changes in your life, you are doomed to repeat your mistakes.

 

Your girlfriend will not come back to you under these circumstances, so you have to change them. You will also need to understand that even if you do change and make 100% progress, she still may not want you back. Just because you think that what you are offering is good, doesn't mean she's going to see it as something good for herself. Your circumstances might change, but if hers don't and she sees no reason to change them - then she isn't coming back.

 

You'll need to get help and work on your problems for you. You may find over time, that you no longer need this relationship and will be seeking out different women based on your new perceptions. Either way, getting your head and heart together are first and foremost right now. Second chances can wait until you are ready to face them.

[vickimonster]

everything LucreziaBorgia. It is really really hard to do, but you need to fix you for you. And keep an open mind if you change as a person who knows what that new person will be like and what that person will want. Fix yourself and eveything else will fall into place even if you can't see it now!