Texting Dilemma / Vent / Question.. Thing

[Danda]

Alright blowhard pseudo-therapist actually feels stumped here. It's hard for me to see my own scenarios objectively. Input welcomed but I realize coming back to the top after I've finished writing this that it's more of a long-winded vent. Well anyway,

 

Started getting to know a potential FWB. Seemed to click well as actual friends, but not really in the benefits department. However he never indicated wanting just a new friend, he was definitely just looking for sex, so I considered it a given game over. I told him straight up in a polite manner that we're not sexually compatible but also that if he still wanted conversation with me on other topics that I would enjoy it, which is true, I enjoy our nonsexual conversations as much as I enjoyed our sexual conversations initially. He disagrees about us being sexually incompatible, and even I am not 100% on my stance, but I don't play coy just for attention, it's not my style, so I told him straight up again no we're not and refused to debate it. Basically if I'm not 100% sure I want sex then I'm gonna pretend like I'm 100% sure that I don't.

 

I didn't expect him to keep talking with me, but it was a case where I'd be pleased about it if he did and said so. Well he did keep talking with me. We continued to talk for hours every single day, with him always initiating. I don't initiate because (A) I haven't been sure from day one if he only wants sex and am still not entirely sure why he keeps talking with me (as in I don't know if he actually enjoys our convos or is just having a dry spell or what), and (B) he dropped lots of hints early on that all indicated I should never initiate contact (he hates clingy people, he prefers to see even loved ones on his own terms, etc), and © I do have some pride, and I don't like the idea of trying to chat him up while he's busy ****ing other women and such (my understanding is that he's always actively seeking), like I don't want to be the annoying friend (or whatever I could call myself) asking for attention when he's trying to get down.

 

So the way I perceive it is that when he actually feels like talking and isn't busy, I am generally responsive, but otherwise I'm not going to risk bothering him and pushing away the good / interesting conversation by seeming 'needy' or whatever. Protects my pride, keeps **** simple and doesn't risk scaring him off all at the same time.

 

So for a while now he's been initiating conversation every time, and we'd text back and forth for the span of hours each night.

 

Then suddenly he didn't text me at all for a couple days, and I figured he had found a gal to boink with so I just waited, and then he sent me an email about something we'd been debating previously. I responded by email and then he texted me. We texted for a while. Then he went off the radar again. I just waited. He emailed me again. As soon as I replied to his email he texted me and we texted for hours. Now it's another period of him not initiating.

 

So with all of that background, I am not sure if he is wanting me to text him first because he's actually interested in some way, even just a friendship way or something, or if I am correct to assume that he is boinking during these periods of not initiating/talking with me and I should continue to never text him first.

 

Normally I'm for blunt approaches, but for some reason I feel terribly awkward about the idea of asking him if he wants me to text him first, or if I should not ever text him first so as not to bother him, and such. I suspect I'm over-analyzing and being my usual ridiculous self, and I'd rather not subject other people to my ridiculousness when I can avoid it, especially because I don't want to scare him off and lose the fun and intellectual convos we've been having.

 

But I also get the strong impression that he's the sort of guy who can hardly understand women at all and would probably resort to some silly PUA type ****, and if he IS trying to get me to text him first, I don't want him to think me not doing so means that I don't really like talking with him or something. Because I do, it's rare for me to find someone who loves debating/discussing certain topics as much as I do.

 

I'm afraid that if he drops of the radar for an extended period and I do text him, he's going to find it off-putting, and that I should just wait and let him initiate all convos. But that if I do that and he wants me to text him first, then he's going to take it as me not being as interested as he is (he always initiates and we typically text for hours), whatever he is even really interested in, which also makes it tricky because I can't tell if he really likes talking with me or if he's pretending to because he's not getting laid enough and is hoping I'll change my mind.

 

I think a BIG crux in the whole thing is that I've started to like him, have realized I am too jealous of a person for legit FWB, only actual dating or a nearly nameless/faceless **** buddy, so I probably want to sleep with him deep down but have decided to pretend I definitely don't and see if I can at least get a legit friend out of it. Not even sure if that makes sense or if I am just being retarded.

 

Idunno if I need advice or just for someone to reach through the monitor and slap me upside the head.

[Emilia]

Why are you talking to this guy? What are you getting out of this? Time to go out and make new friends, me thinks.

[Danda]

Why are you talking to this guy? What are you getting out of this? Time to go out and make new friends, me thinks.

 

I genuinely enjoy our conversations. It's been a rare thing for me over the years to find people who enjoy intellectual debate about various certain topics. That's why I wish I knew if he genuinely liked it, as well, or is just hoping I'm going to change my mind about the sex thing. I wasn't expecting to find this type of conversation from a FWB endeavor. It also significantly increases my attraction him, which I think lead to me feeling a bit of jealousy, unfortunately.

 

But I do agree with you, I am still striking up or responding to conversations with others. Just again wish I knew if I should start initiating conversation to show him I'm really interested in being friends, or if I should keep never initiating to respect his claims when we first started talking, as far as only looking for sex, hating clingy people, only wanting to spend any time with people on his own terms, etc. I actually try to listen to people and respect their wishes about that sort of thing, since I am okay with varying levels of interaction, but I don't know if he still wants that or if I'm actually friend material to him. Or if he's just hoping I'll change my mind about the sex. Lol.

[LookAtThisPOst]

He basically is into you in intimate fashion and he'll just wind up being sexually frustrated if you aren't willing to debate the matter. He'll likely meet someone, maybe like yourself, but with the romance.

 

 

I genuinely enjoy our conversations. It's been a rare thing for me over the years to find people who enjoy intellectual debate about various certain topics. That's why I wish I knew if he genuinely liked it, as well, or is just hoping I'm going to change my mind about the sex thing. I wasn't expecting to find this type of conversation from a FWB endeavor. It also significantly increases my attraction him, which I think lead to me feeling a bit of jealousy, unfortunately.

 

But I do agree with you, I am still striking up or responding to conversations with others. Just again wish I knew if I should start initiating conversation to show him I'm really interested in being friends, or if I should keep never initiating to respect his claims when we first started talking, as far as only looking for sex, hating clingy people, only wanting to spend any time with people on his own terms, etc. I actually try to listen to people and respect their wishes about that sort of thing, since I am okay with varying levels of interaction, but I don't know if he still wants that or if I'm actually friend material to him. Or if he's just hoping I'll change my mind about the sex. Lol.

[gaius]

A lot of people who don't like others initiating contact go through periods where they don't really want contact. Not just with one person but with anyone. I've been talking to two women lately and I generally talk to them both at the same time, and when I take a day or two off it's from both of them. So you're making big assumptions on that part.

 

If you're getting that wrapped up in it you should probably just have sex with him already though. =/

[Danda]

He basically is into you in intimate fashion and he'll just wind up being sexually frustrated if you aren't willing to debate the matter. He'll likely meet someone, maybe like yourself, but with the romance.

 

It's okay if he meets someone else. He has probably "met" multiple gals since we actually spent a night together lol. I just can't do FWB with him. He gives me the impression he'll **** anything with a vagina (makes me nervous about diseases, and the ethics factor of playing with attached people who are cheating rubs me the wrong way), he's way more experienced than me and seems to want hardcore stuff only, he lied about his member size and it's massive (I am really tight) AND I started getting weird feels towards him because I find him intellectually very stimulating, which is a huge chemistry thing for me. I just had to call it quickly because it had train wreck written all over it. I would definitely want to be friends though and could handle it so long as we're not intimate ever again and I move along in pursuit of an intimacy partner.

 

I just can't tell if he actually wants to be friends or not. Probably not, but if I guess wrong and never strike up conversation first, and he did want to be friends, then he's probably going to get sick of it being one-sided on the whole initiation thing.

 

Hopefully I won't really care anymore if I can find someone else to have great conversation with. It's been so rare for me that when I do find it, it almost makes me feel high haha.

[Danda]

A lot of people who don't like others initiating contact go through periods where they don't really want contact. Not just with one person but with anyone. I've been talking to two women lately and I generally talk to them both at the same time, and when I take a day or two off it's from both of them. So you're making big assumptions on that part.

 

If you're getting that wrapped up in it you should probably just have sex with him already though. =/

 

Thanks for the perspective. I am trying to not make assumptions, but I tend to get very fretful about trying to "do it right" when it comes to making others comfortable and not making them uncomfortable. It's an issue in myself, for sure, but it's still there, even if it's on me.

 

If I knew he wanted me to initiate once in a while to show that I am as interested in a friendship as he is (if he is) I would do it. If I knew he just needs space or doesn't want to be bothered with being reached out to ever or whatever, I would respect it. It's one of those things where I can't tell and if I get it wrong it's probably game over.

 

But it's also totally possible that this dilemma is just masking an underlying one, like I want him but I don't, or something. Hopefully I find someone similar so my silly-ass brain can chill it. I get this impression (not sure how valid or not, honestly) than this particular type of intellectual bonding is always going to be a rare thing for me, so when I stumble upon it I admittedly get a little ridiculous. Maybe it's similar to how some people get infatuated lust-wise or something.

[Emilia]

I genuinely enjoy our conversations. It's been a rare thing for me over the years to find people who enjoy intellectual debate about various certain topics. That's why I wish I knew if he genuinely liked it, as well, or is just hoping I'm going to change my mind about the sex thing. I wasn't expecting to find this type of conversation from a FWB endeavor. It also significantly increases my attraction him, which I think lead to me feeling a bit of jealousy, unfortunately.

 

But I do agree with you, I am still striking up or responding to conversations with others. Just again wish I knew if I should start initiating conversation to show him I'm really interested in being friends, or if I should keep never initiating to respect his claims when we first started talking, as far as only looking for sex, hating clingy people, only wanting to spend any time with people on his own terms, etc. I actually try to listen to people and respect their wishes about that sort of thing, since I am okay with varying levels of interaction, but I don't know if he still wants that or if I'm actually friend material to him. Or if he's just hoping I'll change my mind about the sex. Lol.

don't worry about this guy, what he thinks or how he feels, don't tie yourself to someone like this emotionally any longer. Who cares? There are dozens of him under every bush, regardless how 'intellectual' he is. You need to learn to establish boundaries better and get rid of people that are bad for you. This guy isn't worth the investment you are putting into him.

[Danda]

don't worry about this guy, what he thinks or how he feels, don't tie yourself to someone like this emotionally any longer. Who cares? There are dozens of him under every bush, regardless how 'intellectual' he is. You need to learn to establish boundaries better and get rid of people that are bad for you. This guy isn't worth the investment you are putting into him.

 

Yeah you're right. I don't fully understand why I'm hung up on him, aside from what I can definitely detect like the intellectual compatibility. I made a post in some thread a while back, the thread was all about what people really need in a RL or something. I made a long post describing a certain mentality and how it affects conversation, how it's rare for me to find and how highly I value it. This guy has that element. Maybe it's because I perceive it as rare when maybe it's not. It's not really about being smart or knowledgeable or anything like that.

 

Well anyway yeah you're right. I guess if he were waiting for me to text him first them he should give me more of a reason to do so, like some sign that he wants to be legit friends or something. I am kinda sick of always having to go first in that sort of regard. And if that's not what he's hoping for then no harm done if I don't.

[Anaida]

Does this guy, or talking to this guy make you feel "complete" or "validated" in any way? Maybe you're so into him because of this aloofness he displays? Maybe you feel that you need him to accept you, but not the other way round?

[todreaminblue]

Idunno if I need advice or just for someone to reach through the monitor and slap me upside the head.

 

a couple of years ago i was reading a thread about suicide....and the poster said come closer to the screen closer closer.....and this funny flash thing happened that felt like a slap.....it was a thread started by a poster called mina....dont know who posted the flashy slap..shocked me......i was on heavy meds at that point though and it was a couple of years ago.....just wanted to tell you that.....because someone(a poster) knows how to actually give flashy slaps....if i could

 

 

i would for sure give you one......

 

 

give me a year ill figure it out......while you are waiting for me to figure out the flashy slap thing......dont contact him if it feels uncomfortable to do so....be honest next time he decides to contact you ask him where you stand....be honest and open......on what you want....with yourself and with him......if it doesnt correlate with you dont go ahead with him....ultimately you know any advice you are goign to take is what your heart feels is right for you.....soemthing that resonates with you...and it will probably be yoru own advice....probably not mine as i am on planet plethora of cold medication at the moment and it tastes like chemical vomit...meant to taste like peach...what would i know......i wish you well....dont settle for less than you deserve...that si something that comes from my heart...which isnt medicated...just the fingers typin are on another planet.............deb

[BluEyeL]

Since this is not likely to go anywhere good for you, only to unrequited love amd suffering, you should cut this guy off immediately! ! The stimulating conversations are totally not worthIt and you're just fulling yourself and putputting yourself in a position to be hurt.

 

He talks to you because it keeps him entertained and hopes to keep you on the line for maybe later. He wants to talk to you just when he feels like it, not when you feel like it, hence the him initiating. Please do yourself a big favor and formally let him go, then go no contact.

[preraph]

People have lives, so you can't assume when someone is out of touch for two days, they're game playing or done. The more mature/busy/productive the person, the less likely to be available for ongoing everyday texting. Plus it can just be hard to think of anything to say since you text all the time, plus then that makes it hard to have anything at all to say in person, so it's a bad idea. The only thing I would do is if he hasn't texted back in a week, I'd shoot him a text just saying, "Just checkin in. Everything ok?" Then he'll tell you he's just been busy or whatever.

[Frank2thepoint]

It's hard to give a definitive answer if the guy just wants to be friends, or he is entertaining the friendship in hopes of getting laid again. Concerning if you should initiate a text, based on what you've wrote about the situation, unless he has mentioned it at some point, there is no point in upsetting the dynamic. There is already a pattern in how he contacts you, and he's done it all the time. Plus him establishing that he doesn't want you to initiate contact, supports this pattern. But, small part of me is wondering if this is about control, and he gets to decide who and when to chat with. If you say he has other women, then what may be happening is he is keeping you as a friend, or specifically a sounding board, and using what was discussed with you with other women.

 

On a side note. Reading your post, I humorously wonder if this the type of inner-dialog women have when they are trying to figure out if they should initiate or not with something as simple as a text message.

[Danda]

On a side note. Reading your post, I humorously wonder if this the type of inner-dialog women have when they are trying to figure out if they should initiate or not with something as simple as a text message.

 

Hmm.. maybe.

 

We mildly to severely dysfunctional gals can be like this, though. That's why PUA type stuff was designed with us in mind, I think, and why the irony of using PUA tactics to manipulate women - is that it reels in the crazy birds like me! Muahahahahaha!

 

If it's a straight-up no-nonsense gal like Gloria or Hydra, though, dude is screwed. Will get nexted so fast it'll give him whiplash.

[Danda]

Does this guy, or talking to this guy make you feel "complete" or "validated" in any way? Maybe you're so into him because of this aloofness he displays? Maybe you feel that you need him to accept you, but not the other way round?

 

Actually I have considered that and yes you might be right, at least it's likely a part of it. He claims he has Aspergers and he definitely seemed to when we hung out for a night. I tend to feel more relaxed around aspies in general. Emotionally they're so much more low-key, and communication-wise they're super straightforward. I grew up with such intense, emotional, needy,passive-aggressive and dysfunctional parents and people that aspies are just like a relaxing breather with whom I can socialize and get attached without constantly bracing for the boatload of drama. The downside is that psychopaths give me the same impression first (due to the sheer lack of emotional energy they have) and I can't always tell the difference.