I am so lost/torn...any and ALL thoughts welcome ! :)

[Sucker for Love]

I met my ex online, and then in person, overt the summer. Leading up to meeting him we hit it off so well, and had such great chemistry. We had both selected on our profiles that we wanted "casual dating, nothing serious" though that isn't really what I wanted. Not really relevant at though. When we had our first date we were both nervous, but I took his nerves as disinterest or friend-zoning, upon meeting me. He told me later the same day that he wasn't sure how to act because he was totally unprepared, "you look beautiful and cute in your pictures, but in person you totally blow me away! Hopefully next time I wont be so nervous." So we were off to a good start. We didn't have another date for two weeks because we both got so busy at work, and then I had a medical issue come up, long story.

 

During that two weeks though, we texted back and forth day and night, and when I finally saw him again for our second date and we were talking about my medical issue and how I was having surgery the next week he asked if it would be okay for him to visit me and check-up on me when the surgery was over. That was also the first night he kissed me, a nice kiss, but only ignited passion at the very end.

 

We went out again 3 days later, and I told him I'd be happy to have his company, but the day after the surgery would probably be best, since I would be in a pain-killer and anesthesia daze. After 45 minutes of just kissing, very passionately, he walked me to my door ( I know how long it was because he commented that that was his non-stop, kissing only, record probably, and he'd have happily kept going all night).

 

He did as promised and showed up at noon the day after my surgery, surprising me with a vegetarian sandwich from a local deli, and then watched 2 hours of house hunters with me...or watched, and made fun of it, and laughed with me at it for an hour, and kissed and cuddled me the next hour. And he showed up two days later for the same routine, and the next night to give me a movie night.

 

I knew he had gotten dumped a year before, by his girlfriend of 5 years, and who he had lived with. He had just put his toes back in the dating pond when he met me and wasn't looking for anything serious, and neither was I to start with. But after one month of dating him there was no denying that I had completely fallen in love with him. He was everything i could ever want in a partner, but I couldn't tell him that just yet. I tested the water by asking him to be my date to my older sister's wedding, which he said yes to. And I could tell he was getting closer to where I was at emotionally, and trying not to be.

 

That coupled with the stress of being forced to go back to work when I was still not physically fit for work, and my ongoing health issue, and not having remembered to take my anti-depressants for 2 months, and being on heavy duty painkillers(which are downers) made me begin to have suicidal ideation. I told my mom and she immediately took me to the hospital. When he tried to continue our daily, all day conversations my mom told him I was in the hospital from complications, but I would be okay and I missed him. He said he missed me and wanted to come see me if he could, where was I at? My mom said I wasnt allowed to have visitors yet. That was a lie but she wanted me to decide if, and when, and how much, I wanted him to know. I told him everything and he was more supportive and warm than people I have known my whole life. He said he still wanted to come see me if I wanted him to, because he really missed me. So we planned for that Thursday, but I ended up discharging so I took the night to rest.

 

I saw him that weekend and he made me the best damned vegetarian chili I have ever had, from scratch, even though he is a meat eater. So we cuddled and watched the Broncos while our chili cooked, and he proceeded to set my lips on fire with the jalapeno he'd eaten while prepping the chili, and we both had to down close to a quart of water to even make a dent. It was one of the best afternoons ever. Everything felt so normal and perfect, and right.

 

Shortly after that, my insecurity started creeping back in, with an undeniable vibe that he was crazy about me, yet didn't want to be in a relationship, and didn't see us that way. I addressed the issue with my sisters and mom while we were shopping for centerpieces for my sister's wedding. They all said I was crazy, because he was obviously nuts about me and that we already were in a relationship, and if I asked him whether we were exclusive he might worry that I didn't want that, when he thought we already were. We ended up agreeing that for my own state of mind I should ask him, carefully, at the end of our date the following day. That date was perfect until then, I didn't exactly get an answer, but it sure wasn't what I hoped to hear either.

 

I started to backslide and, when I asked for clarification a few days later the answer devastated me even more. I thought we were over and in the depths of my still awful depression I attempted suicide, which my mom discovered the next day when we were at the ER for the seizures I began to have as a result. When I was out of the woods she showed me I had overreacted, (for a number of reasons, but..)because he still wanted to be with me, he just didn't want to go any faster than we were, and he was going to wait for me to work on myself before we got too serious again, and do the same for himself, but he hoped we could heal and grow ourselves together as well. Somehow though, in the chaos of my suicide attempt(SA) my mom gave him the impression I had uninvited him to the wedding, so he made other plans. This upset me, not because he decided to make the best of it, but that she had caused me to need to go without his support, as I hate big social gatherings and was still very anxious and fragile, as a result of the SA.

 

*He still has no knowledge of the SA!

 

We had one more date after that, and it seemed like everything was perfect with us, until the end, when he no longer played the radio on the ride home- like he wanted to say something but was uncertain. He also failed to hold my hand on the car ride home, which he ALWAYS did. His goodnight kiss wasn't quite as long or passionate, still warm and caring, but also kind of sad. Over the next week the amount of communication he initiated dropped drastically. Then it turned into ONLY me initiating, we talk for 20 minutes, and then he stops replying. By the end of the week I was having panic attacks because I just KNEW he was going to break up with me, I just didn't know when, but I felt it would be very soon. In an effort to back things up while still showing interest, in case he was feeling like things were going too fast, I told him about a free event I thought he'd love, and that I may or may not go to, but thought he should if he was bored.

 

He replied back that he had other plans already, AND while he loved being with me and always had so much fun with me, he wasn't over his ex like he thought, and didn't want to be unfair to me by continuing our relationship like everything was fine. He already was aware for some time that I was in love with him, and said he didn't want to string me along and cause me worse pain, and that he needed to be alone and figure out what he wanted. I was crushed, but other than letting him know how sad I was that things weren't different I stopped all contact. That was just a few days shy of us being together for 3 months.

 

That was nearly 3 months ago now. Every single day has been a struggle from the time I wake, to the time I fall asleep, not to reach out to him, and beg him, and think about him constantly, and pray he would come back and say he made a mistake, that I was the one he wanted to be with and he was sorry. A couple of times the pain of my heartbreak has been so bad it almost put me back in the hospital. I just feel like nothing matters without him. He was it for me, the one no one will ever compare to, and the only one I want to be with. And now, a few days ago I had one of those horrible episodes of despair, and in trying to recover from that I slipped up and checked his social media pages, just to be able to see his face, and what he was up to. To maybe ease how much I miss him.

 

Instead I found a picture of his ex, from a date they had a couple weeks ago. I also found evidence that he has been seeing her again since pretty much the moment we broke up, and that he posted a pic from one of our dates, without me in it, and without mention of me in it, and she commented on it. So she had been in contact with him while he was with me. I of course grew hopeless, despite the fact she is not cute, because how could I ever compete with someone who already had his love, who he left me for, and he had been in contact with while were together.

 

Nonetheless, being the glutton for misery that I am, I contacted him today, asking to talk to when he had time. I asked him some questions that are necessary at the beginning and ending of any relationship, especially if you haven't always been totally careful together. I then said how nice it was to hear his voice, how I missed him so much. And when he said he missed me too, and wished I hadn't kept away so long I felt encouraged to ask what I needed to know most of all. I asked if once he had things figured out he would want to be with me again. He said absolutely, he was taking things very slow with his ex, and trying to see if things were still the same for him, and if it didn't work out he wanted to be with me, because he thought what we had was pretty amazing.

 

I felt good until I realized that sounded like I was second choice, or a safety net. I then ran through what all I needed him to know about how I felt, and how that had made me feel, and what I wanted. I left it all on a voicemail, and not 10 minutes later he called back saying it wasn't like that for him, because it was so complicated.

 

He admitted that he didn't want to or mean to fall in love with me but he did, and then at the end of our relationship she kept coming at him, wanting to get back together. So, with his unresolved feelings for her he had to make a choice, and knew it would hurt me but had to know how he felt about her or be with me and always wonder, which wouldn't be fair to me, so he chose to give her another chance. He said he loves me and wants to be with me, but he also still loves her, and needs to figure out how real to him she still is.

 

He says doesn't want me to wait and hurt if I can find someone who does love only me, and who can give me everything I deserve. So, as much as he hopes we can be together if it doesn't work out for them, and as much as it would pain him, he wants me to be happy and not continue to hurt for him for something that might not happen. And whether we end up back together, or I move on and get over him he still wants me in his life as his friend at least, because he loves me and doesn't want to lose me, but he knows right now its impossible for me to act as his friend.

 

I know pretty much every side of the argument, and I understand where he is coming from, but I am still incredibly confused, and hurt. I am still not his first choice. I don't think I have the capacity right now, if ever, to get over him, even if that's what I should do. So as much as you may suggest that he is playing me and I need to move on, understand that I can't at this time, I am not poo-pooing anyone's suggestion of that. This has been an immensely difficult, and traumatic, and painful 12 months for me, and I am at my wit's end with grief and confusion. Absolutely any thoughts, comments, anecdotes, jokes, or criticisms, or suggestions/advice are SOOOO beyond welcome. Please, give me everything you have, I need all I can get. I am miles from shore and don't even know how to doggy paddle.

[mercuryshadow]

These words may not do any good due to the fact that you are so heavily emotionally invested, and so very hurt, but here goes:

 

You need to work on loving yourself. And you need to be far less fragile before you seriously date again, whether it be this particular guy, or anyone else. It is an unfair burden, both to yourself and to a partner, that your happiness and well being should be placed solely in their hands. That said, though, this guy does NOT love you. Someone who truly loved you would not knowingly hurt you. I hope you learn to love yourself enough to understand that.

 

Having been emotionally fragile in the past, I feel qualified to advise you: hang out with and make friends, do things you enjoy, devote yourself to others in a non-romantic sense, learn about subjects that intrigue you... And sure, CASUALLY date, as long as you do not allow attachment to take hold. Become the best version of yourself and love will happen when the time is right.

[Sucker for Love]

I agree with what you are saying about being fragile. I know that I am now, and I have been working on my issues that make me so fragile, in life and relationships. I was working on them when we broke up too.

 

I had to withdraw from treatment when I got mono, but as soon as I am healthy enough, physically, I will return. I don't want to set myself up for this again, by having a relationship when I am not at my best. Thing is, when we started dating I thought I was golden. Everything was fine in my life. Then when my feelings for him set in and paired with an out of the blue avalanche of crap on me, I got really bad.

 

I know that, in reality, he is not the only thing in the world, and that I can live and be happy. I spend as much time on knowing and loving and doing for me as I am able. So I agree with all that.

 

Its just that, from an emotional perspective, which is the most dominant right now for me, it feels incredibly unfair, and like some cosmic mistake. That so many horrible things couldn't possibly happen to me all at once, and that the one good thing to happen to me in all of that was just placed there to **** me over even more.

 

I know my devastation is a bit more profound than it might be for others, all my emotions go that way. I have been seriously, and traumatically hurt by the one guy who never should have hurt me, my dad. He treated me in such a way that I have always felt unloved and unlovable ever since. So I have had only two relationships. Only two times where I was able to let my guard down. And when I develop love for anyone I panic, because I know that nothing can prevent them from breaking my heart, because not even my dad could manage not to.

 

Again, I am working on all of that as best I can, and have been for some time. I don't want to not be able to be with "the one" because I am not able to have a healthy relationship, where I don't place everything on them. I want to be Ok before that happens, for me, and for them. I am worried that I may already have been too late on being the best me before hand though.

 

I see what you are saying, and agree for the most part, or at least half of me does. I also believe he means it when he says he loves me. I believe he is just incredibly confused and torn between two women he loves, and two women who love him. I cant say with any certainty that I would do anything differently if I were in his situation.

 

I don't know...

I just don't know