Anaida Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 I'm a 21-year old virgin woman who has not had the chance to be in a relationship for a variety of reasons. As in, I haven't liked anyone who liked me back, and vice versa. However, that has rarely been a problem for me, since I'm a person with a healthy sexual appetite which has been quenched by masturbation. But of late, a particular obsession has been consuming me. I have this particular image of a "perfectly hot man" in my head (like everyone does) and recently, I'm getting flooded with fantasies of this fictional character that my dream man is based on. "He" has the "perfect"(according to me) looks and personality. I've had crushes before like all normal people, but this particular "guy" is gripping my sexual imagination like none else. And slowly, I find myself unable to get attracted to any real life man. A lot of guys want to date me, I too want a relationship. However, I find that I'm absolutely unable to even fathom attraction to any man who does not have the basic characteristics of this fictional figure. Its getting weird, and I'm worried I'll never be satisfied with any man in my life. Please help me get over this. Sounds retarded, but this is bugging me. Link to post Share on other sites
DivorcedDad123 Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 There's nothing wrong with this fantasy. You're a young woman who has invisioned the perfect man for herself. You have a yearning for finding love and you just happen to have a type of man that you'd like. When you come across someone with these characteristics (and you will) you'll know when to act. Perfectly normal. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 Fantasies are normal and fine, but you can't abdicate real-life dating for them. You don't have to give them up while you're dating, but do NOT expect any man to be that person and do NOT think that person is out there destined to meet you. Most of us have that ideal person in our head. Most of us are surprised to find that the actual ideal person either doesn't materialize OR isn't the one in our head, to our great and happy surprise. I had intense fantasies at your age that bordered on visions. I'm not even sure they weren't something or someone from a past life. I had dreams as well. I knew one man in this life who I felt might be connected to those. All I can tell you is that even if it is something like past-life memory, it doesn't mean it will be a match in this life. I carried a torch for that guy for decades and we did have a few good times, but I was not his ideal or his vision. Maybe in the next life. You may want to read Carl Jung on anima and animus for another theory on the ideal in our heads. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 You are using your fantasy and the ideal man as an escape from reality. You know that real people are flawed. We humans are not ideal or perfect. Reality is painful because it is truth, hard, and requires lots of work and patience. A fantasy overcomes all of this, where the ideal person is easy, with no frustration, no arguments, no misunderstandings. With a fantasy person you can completely be yourself, be completely vulnerable, and you will never be judged or hurt. You are completely accepted. Such a fantasy is very far from reality, because you know very well that people do judge, do not have infinite patience or understanding, and worst of all, you can get hurt by them. One thing that might help is allow yourself to accept your flaws, and be patient with yourself. Once you achieve this, then you can be understanding enough to accept another person's flaws, and be patient with them. A great relationship is about two people knowing their own, and each others flaws, accepting them, and being patient. Link to post Share on other sites
Danda Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 Pick the men who look okay to you and go on dates with them if you like what you can detect about their personalities and such. I have plenty of fantasy characters to whom I masturbate. I rarely if ever masturbate to thoughts of guys I actually know. Because when I masturbate it's all about fantasy for me. I don't judge myself or apply any moral code to it or anything. It's entirely private and entirely mine. It's 'sacred' to me in a certain way, my own sanctuary of sorts regarding my sexual self. Real life men attract me for different reasons and in an entirely different way. It is very rare for me to see a man in real life and start fantasizing about sex with him. The attraction I feel for a real life guy is very psychological in nature and develops from interaction if there is that chemistry there. He only has to have subjective attraction potential from the outset, and then numerous other factors could make me wind up feeling extremely excited and attracted towards him. If I approached it as though expecting guys to make me go weak in the knees upon first meeting them, then I would probably never be interested in any of them, either, because my brain just doesn't work that way. Link to post Share on other sites
bebe23 Posted January 7, 2015 Share Posted January 7, 2015 (edited) I'm glad you posted this, OP, because this has been an issue with me forever. I've been the same way for YEARS, going from one fictional character or celebrity crush to another. It started when I was 12 and has continued to even recently. I'm over 40 and have been married for over 17 years. I think the best thing to do is what Danda just said, you compartmentalize. There is your real life dating (in my case married life) with real partners and all the conflict, squabbles and flaws that come with them, and your "fantasy objects." Are you a creative person? This tends to be a big problem with creative types like artists and writers. (I write for a hobby and do crafts and drawings.) I have always had that 'perfect man' in my mind, and he's never a person I've actually met, living where I live. It's always someone from 'afar,' or fictional, on a movie, book, or even animated with ink! Or dead! (such as a historical figure from another century). Sometimes it's just the way some of us are. It's okay to dream and have fantasies of ideals and perfection. (Not even 'perfection' always- because some of my crushes to be honest were ridiculously flawed characters.) It can be kind of fun, if you keep it in one little section of your romantic life. But don't put them up as an ideal when you're dating. It has made me feel guilty when my husband doesn't 'match up' to some character or someone I've only seen in media. I've been dealing with this issue the last few years and it is getting better now. Edited January 7, 2015 by bebe23 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Anaida Posted January 7, 2015 Author Share Posted January 7, 2015 You are using your fantasy and the ideal man as an escape from reality. You know that real people are flawed. We humans are not ideal or perfect. Reality is painful because it is truth, hard, and requires lots of work and patience. A fantasy overcomes all of this, where the ideal person is easy, with no frustration, no arguments, no misunderstandings. With a fantasy person you can completely be yourself, be completely vulnerable, and you will never be judged or hurt. You are completely accepted. Such a fantasy is very far from reality, because you know very well that people do judge, do not have infinite patience or understanding, and worst of all, you can get hurt by them. One thing that might help is allow yourself to accept your flaws, and be patient with yourself. Once you achieve this, then you can be understanding enough to accept another person's flaws, and be patient with them. A great relationship is about two people knowing their own, and each others flaws, accepting them, and being patient. What you say is greatly true, but with an exception. When I envision a relationship with this guy, he comes across as a bit of egoistic and difficult at times. I see us having misunderstandings, fights, clashes where I question his ego and then he comes around and we make up by having great sex. You know.. The person I envisage is a great intellectual with a bit of an aloof and reserved personality in public, but once you manage to get his attention, you are his world. He is good at making sarcastic comments, and I'm good at making comebacks to them, and then he gets hooked to me gradually....this is how I see it. It feels tense at times, but also fulfilling and sexually charged. Dunno if I made sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Anaida Posted January 7, 2015 Author Share Posted January 7, 2015 Pick the men who look okay to you and go on dates with them if you like what you can detect about their personalities and such. I have plenty of fantasy characters to whom I masturbate. I rarely if ever masturbate to thoughts of guys I actually know. Because when I masturbate it's all about fantasy for me. I don't judge myself or apply any moral code to it or anything. It's entirely private and entirely mine. It's 'sacred' to me in a certain way, my own sanctuary of sorts regarding my sexual self. Real life men attract me for different reasons and in an entirely different way. It is very rare for me to see a man in real life and start fantasizing about sex with him. The attraction I feel for a real life guy is very psychological in nature and develops from interaction if there is that chemistry there. He only has to have subjective attraction potential from the outset, and then numerous other factors could make me wind up feeling extremely excited and attracted towards him. If I approached it as though expecting guys to make me go weak in the knees upon first meeting them, then I would probably never be interested in any of them, either, because my brain just doesn't work that way. I'm the same way as you. I too cannot go bonkers on men from just their appearance or personality on the first encounter. I like good looking men, but the only place they make me go "oooh.." on their Greek-god looks is if they're starring in a movie. And yeah, all the crushes I've had so far were personality-based and from long-term interaction. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Anaida Posted January 7, 2015 Author Share Posted January 7, 2015 I'm glad you posted this, OP, because this has been an issue with me forever. I've been the same way for YEARS, going from one fictional character or celebrity crush to another. It started when I was 12 and has continued to even recently. I'm over 40 and have been married for over 17 years. I think the best thing to do is what Danda just said, you compartmentalize. There is your real life dating (in my case married life) with real partners and all the conflict, squabbles and flaws that come with them, and your "fantasy objects." Are you a creative person? This tends to be a big problem with creative types like artists and writers. (I write for a hobby and do crafts and drawings.) I have always had that 'perfect man' in my mind, and he's never a person I've actually met, living where I live. It's always someone from 'afar,' or fictional, on a movie, book, or even animated with ink! Or dead! (such as a historical figure from another century). Sometimes it's just the way some of us are. It's okay to dream and have fantasies of ideals and perfection. (Not even 'perfection' always- because some of my crushes to be honest were ridiculously flawed characters.) It can be kind of fun, if you keep it in one little section of your romantic life. But don't put them up as an ideal when you're dating. It has made me feel guilty when my husband doesn't 'match up' to some character or someone I've only seen in media. I've been dealing with this issue the last few years and it is getting better now. Good suggestion. I'm not a "creative person" per se, i.e., I haven't indulged that side of me much. I don't write or paint too often, however, I have a great imagination. The "relationship" that I envision with this guy is COM-PLETELY real, only its in my head. Like I said in my previous post, he's a flawed person, so the details of the fantasy make it seem more real and makes me crave for it in reality too. You're correct, I need to start compartmentalising. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted January 7, 2015 Share Posted January 7, 2015 Anaida, Do you even want to date a man? Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 7, 2015 Share Posted January 7, 2015 Some Tibetan monks have a practice of making a Tulpa - an invented person they imagine into existence by the use of mental power and long-sustained concentration. In the light of that, don't be surprised if you go down to the kitchen for breakfast one morning, and find your fantasy lover at the table eating his cereal 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Anaida Posted January 7, 2015 Author Share Posted January 7, 2015 Anaida, Do you even want to date a man? Yes. Why would you feel otherwise? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Anaida Posted January 7, 2015 Author Share Posted January 7, 2015 Fantasies are normal and fine, but you can't abdicate real-life dating for them. You don't have to give them up while you're dating, but do NOT expect any man to be that person and do NOT think that person is out there destined to meet you. Most of us have that ideal person in our head. Most of us are surprised to find that the actual ideal person either doesn't materialize OR isn't the one in our head, to our great and happy surprise. I had intense fantasies at your age that bordered on visions. I'm not even sure they weren't something or someone from a past life. I had dreams as well. I knew one man in this life who I felt might be connected to those. All I can tell you is that even if it is something like past-life memory, it doesn't mean it will be a match in this life. I carried a torch for that guy for decades and we did have a few good times, but I was not his ideal or his vision. Maybe in the next life. You may want to read Carl Jung on anima and animus for another theory on the ideal in our heads. Will do. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Anaida Posted January 7, 2015 Author Share Posted January 7, 2015 There's nothing wrong with this fantasy. You're a young woman who has invisioned the perfect man for herself. You have a yearning for finding love and you just happen to have a type of man that you'd like. When you come across someone with these characteristics (and you will) you'll know when to act. Perfectly normal. Aww, thank you, though you've actually encouraged the fantasy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted January 7, 2015 Share Posted January 7, 2015 Some Tibetan monks have a practice of making a Tulpa - an invented person they imagine into existence by the use of mental power and long-sustained concentration. In the light of that, don't be surprised if you go down to the kitchen for breakfast one morning, and find your fantasy lover at the table eating his cereal classic........gonna try it.....deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Anaida Posted January 7, 2015 Author Share Posted January 7, 2015 Wish I was a Tibetan monk then, Satu. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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