Depressed ( Updated )

[Omei]

I have been getting really down

 

I miss how I felt when I was in love its been over two years of being single now

 

I am lonely, I can feel the huge void that's been left in my heart if I think about it too much it can turn back into my breakup pain, yes still two years later I miss him I miss everything we did and I hate him for leaving for no real decent reason.

 

Im tired of my FWB but getting rid of him has proven to be difficult I guess I like the fact that they treat me well we have good conversations but since it wont ever be anything more my interest is becoming less and less because its just the same each time we have sex spend some time together he gos home, im bored of that so I am going to try to end it.

 

I really want someone to care for me again

 

I guess im just sulking today I rarely get these days now where I hurt ive thrived in my single hood and have learned to not be dependent on any relationship but I do feel upset that im alone now, today anyway I hurt.

 

Its all prob because I had a dream someone loved me and when I woke up I guess I got obsessed with that feeling =/

 

Soon ill be 29 im glad ive never been married and divorced but im not particularly happy im not heading in that direction with someone because I would like to have one more child someday just one more and my first is already 7 one month till 8 and im not on a time limit but I was hoping to at least be going towards that /sigh

 

I also gave up my 11 year best friend so I have no gal pal anymore I have male friends to talk to but its not the same my ex friend didn't invite me anymore she only texted when she wanted someone to complain too, she stopped putting effort into our friendship just like she did back two years ago and we went through a lot of squabble to get it back, I don't have the energy to try again so I gave up im tired of her ditching the friendship and shutting down on me, im just all around tired of putting effort into people who don't care back.

Edited January 6, 2015 by Omei

[smackie9]

You have to build your life with self sufficiant happiness before someone can come along and be happily with you. when you depend on a relationship to make you happy, you end up in a unhealthy situation. A person in your life is to enhance what you already have.

 

You need substance, friends, social life, hobbies, interests, active in groups or activities that are rewarding. A fulfilled life and positive attitude will attract a quality man.

[Omei]

You have to build your life with self sufficiant happiness before someone can come along and be happily with you. when you depend on a relationship to make you happy, you end up in a unhealthy situation. A person in your life is to enhance what you already have.

 

You need substance, friends, social life, hobbies, interests, active in groups or activities that are rewarding. A fulfilled life and positive attitude will attract a quality man.

 

 

That is the same generic answer most people get

 

I have all those things.

 

One of the things I mentioned was that over the course of the two years ive been *happily single* if I was a relationship dependent person I would of dated the many men that came along I knew wasn't right for me, its not that men haven't been advancing. I have been very happy single but now its starting to get old

 

I am talking about how I felt within the last few days I miss love and good men are hard to find.

 

On the plus side I got a new job this year and its flexible enough that I can finish my education while working.

 

Just putting how I feel down to get it out

Edited January 6, 2015 by Omei

[BluEyeL]

It's understandable that you feel that way. What helped me was listening to motivating audiotapes every time I felt down. In the end, we do have power over our thoughts and can change them, unless we talk about clinical depression.

[smackie9]

There are good men all around, you are not attracting them. You need to make yourself stand out, be more noticable. OLD in not the place to find good men, if that is where you have been looking.

[BluEyeL]

I found a great man through OLD, but I knew what to look for.

[smackie9]

I found a great man through OLD, but I knew what to look for.

 

 

like a needle in a hay stack....

[smackie9]

I met my husband of 25 years at a night club. Luck of the draw.

[Omei]

A lot of guys and even some women are doing worse.

 

A 37 year old friend hasn't had a date in 12 years.

Another 37 year old friend was cheated on 4 years ago after a 3 year relationship and has had just a few dates since.

A 31 year old acquaintance has never been on a single date.

 

This isn't to diminish your situation but to put it in perspective.

 

Not getting a date in 12 years is to me someone who's not making enough efforts then because thats outstanding.

 

Im someone who dates in life, I am on OLD now bit still manage to date in life I haven't been able to get a date from OLD yet

 

I just haven't found someone who thinks and feels like I do when it comes to love it seems to be very rare.

[Omei]

I met my husband of 25 years at a night club. Luck of the draw.

 

So you haven't even been part of the dating scene its changed a lot since the days before Britney Spears sexualized tv and we didnt have cell phones.

 

My first boyfriend planned my date and called my phone to ask me.

 

Its not like that now, now it's so impersonal and men dont take the time to get to know you unless your putting out soon they dwindle away to the next girl. And most people my age only text and its the same convo each time trying to build a connection through texts doesn't do it for me.

 

I want real romance

Edited January 7, 2015 by Omei

[BluEyeL]

like a needle in a hay stack....

That's actually very true, sadly, a perfect comparison. That's how I felt while doing OLD, literally, looking for the needle in a haystack!

 

But if you get good at dumping unsuitable partners quickly, not saying yes to everyone and letting go of preconceived ideas (mainly related to looks, charm/status), you could potentially identify a good one faster than if you don't have a system. You can find someone in 1-3 years if you're doing it correctly and don't get stuck with losers. You have to be a bit cold to cope.

 

If I am ever mad at my boyfriend, I remember how a year ago I was doing OLD and I shudder, so I let go of any anger towards him LOL

[BluEyeL]

So you haven't even been part of the dating scene its changed a lot since the days before Britney Spears sexualized tv and we didnt have cell phones.

 

My first boyfriend planned my date and called my phone to ask me.

 

Its not like that now, now it's so impersonal and men dont take the time to get to know you unless your putting out soon they dwindle away to the next girl. And most people my age only text and its the same convo each time trying to build a connection through texts doesn't do it for me.

 

I want real romance

You have to dump those very fast and always be of the mentality that there is an infinity of men available to you and dating is nothing than sorting through a pile of pebbles to find ONE gold nugget. Don't get attached to those who want you to put out and don't worry about those who leave. They aren't worth it. Always be on the move.

 

I never ever put out under pressure and didn't care if they left or not!! They can go and f*** themselves. You have to hold out for a good one and have faith!

[smackie9]

So you haven't even been part of the dating scene its changed a lot since the days before Britney Spears sexualized tv and we didnt have cell phones.

 

My first boyfriend planned my date and called my phone to ask me.

 

Its not like that now, now it's so impersonal and men dont take the time to get to know you unless your putting out soon they dwindle away to the next girl. And most people my age only text and its the same convo each time trying to build a connection through texts doesn't do it for me.

 

I want real romance

 

Dating tools might be a little different from 25 years ago, but attitudes, and the bull **** is still the same my dear. Everyone has always struggled with dating. Let me tell ya there were a lot of jerks when I was dating too and it was way more difficult to bust someone because you guys have social media now....it should be easier for you to pick out the crap. As for cel phones... there were still phones, people still could communicate. And just because some one picked up the phone to call you still wasn't always "romantic". Guys sucked then too. It's about how you navigate through the crap that counts.

[Omei]

Well I feel fine now that was just a really low day =P

[preraph]

I think it's important to realize that before you will attract someone again, you have to get yourself into a happier place or at least be able to fake it. This is why you have gotten advice in the past and in this thread from Smackie that you need to make the effort all by yourself to join social activities and do fun things and stay busy so that you stop just focusing on your loneliness and remain so depressed. Because I can tell you for sure that glum, depressed women do not attract guys at all easily. You have to have some sign of life and look like a fun person. So that's why you have to first take the step of socializing, doing fun things, take the focus off of being lonely so that doesn't show on your face all day before the new friends and man will gravitate to you.

[Omei]

I think it's important to realize that before you will attract someone again, you have to get yourself into a happier place or at least be able to fake it. This is why you have gotten advice in the past and in this thread from Smackie that you need to make the effort all by yourself to join social activities and do fun things and stay busy so that you stop just focusing on your loneliness and remain so depressed. Because I can tell you for sure that glum, depressed women do not attract guys at all easily. You have to have some sign of life and look like a fun person. So that's why you have to first take the step of socializing, doing fun things, take the focus off of being lonely so that doesn't show on your face all day before the new friends and man will gravitate to you.

 

I dont know why you and smackie assume im not in a happy place or have a socializing circle but I do and its very often and very active to the point where I have issues making time for everyone and try my best on my days off sometimes ill hang out on work nights even to keep up with my friendships.

 

No matter what that doesn't mean you will stop feeling emotions everyone gets lonely at times and longs for more.

 

This forum is the one place I can put those feelings without it effecting those in my life.

 

I dont need to take another step I cant handle or add anymore friendships right now juggling 4 friends is hard enough lol

Edited January 9, 2015 by Omei

[BluEyeL]

I'm sure you have and active life and still get lonely, I was in the same predicament less than 1 year ago. Like I suggested before, meditation and New Age books helped me tremendously.

[TouchedByViolet]

New Age books helped me tremendously.

 

New age is a joke. The process is illogical and takes advantage of people at low points. It promotes uneducate thought. People need to be more scientifically literate, not believe in magical crystals and such.... it's sad what people will believe when they are hurting.

[insert_name]

Not getting a date in 12 years is to me someone who's not making enough efforts then because thats outstanding.

 

Im someone who dates in life, I am on OLD now bit still manage to date in life I haven't been able to get a date from OLD yet

 

I just haven't found someone who thinks and feels like I do when it comes to love it seems to be very rare.

 

Im making efforts! Im 34 years old, a very sociable person yet I havent had a serious relationship in 10 years just a handful of one night stands and a few dates off OLD.

 

Its tough out there, I took it for grsnted that I would meet someone eventually because it just seems to happen for everyone else. i am now starting to realise that I am not entitled to being in love or to be loved by someone. Its really sad to accept, but thats the way it is for some of us- we are just undesirable for whatever reason.

 

I will say that dating has changed- it wss never this tough before my last long term relationship, I had so many options in those days but that was before social media and OLD which has killed it for both sexes- especially men. Its so tough now to find a lasting connection because attention is so easy to come by for most that people become disposable after 1 or 2 dates.

[Omei]

Im making efforts! Im 34 years old, a very sociable person yet I havent had a serious relationship in 10 years just a handful of one night stands and a few dates off OLD.

 

Its tough out there, I took it for grsnted that I would meet someone eventually because it just seems to happen for everyone else. i am now starting to realise that I am not entitled to being in love or to be loved by someone. Its really sad to accept, but thats the way it is for some of us- we are just undesirable for whatever reason.

 

I will say that dating has changed- it wss never this tough before my last long term relationship, I had so many options in those days but that was before social media and OLD which has killed it for both sexes- especially men. Its so tough now to find a lasting connection because attention is so easy to come by for most that people become disposable after 1 or 2 dates.

 

I agree I can already tell its harder to make a connection now than it was when I was 20

[EverLastluv]

hey op I totally understand what you going through. I been devorced for 10 years now my daughter now 13y. My life is perfect, just not easy to find that someone to fit in. I would love to have another child cant as yet untild I find me a Husband lol

 

There are some days I get depressed when I think about how things just not falling into places for me. But I stay strong and keep going, I said to my self God has his own plan for me so I wil just wait and care for my blessing thats my daughter. I wish you well too

[BluEyeL]

New age is a joke. The process is illogical and takes advantage of people at low points. It promotes uneducate thought. People need to be more scientifically literate, not believe in magical crystals and such.... it's sad what people will believe when they are hurting.

Well, not to that extreme, "magical crystals". Mainly books about controlling your thoughts, meditation. Meditation really helps with anxiety. It did help me. A lot. So whatever works for people.

[BluEyeL]

One of the books that is very scientifically sound is this book: Budha's Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom. This book helped me understand that if I don't let my thoughts flow aimlessly and I'm aware that it's usually our prefrontal cortex that is to blame for our anxiety, I can effectively control my anxiety and depressive thoughts. Animals just "are", they don't worry about tomorrow because they lack this part of their brain. It's pure science and no magic crystals involved. The book explains the exact mechanisms involved in the production of chemicals that reinforce our happiness, or on the contrary, our so called "unhappiness". It's all brain chemistry.

 

And I cite from Amazon's website:

 

"Science is now revealing how the flow of thoughts actually sculpts the brain, and more and more, we are learning that it's possible to strengthen positive brain states.

By combining breakthroughs in neuroscience with insights from thousands of years of mindfulness practice, you too can use your mind to shape your brain for greater happiness, love, and wisdom. Buddha's Brain draws on the latest research to show how to stimulate your brain for more fulfilling relationships, a deeper spiritual life, and a greater sense of inner confidence and worth. Using guided meditations and mindfulness exercises, you'll learn how to activate the brain states of calm, joy, and compassion instead of worry, sorrow, and anger. Most importantly, you will foster positive psychological growth that will literally change the way you live in your day-to-day life.

This book presents an unprecedented intersection of psychology, neurology, and contemplative practice, and is filled with practical tools and skills that you can use everyday to tap the unused potential of your brain and rewire it over time for greater well-being and peace of mind."

[BluEyeL]

I'd like to add that I practiced these things, and I studied them for one year and a half, and I still do. Things don't happen overnight.

[preraph]

I dont know why you and smackie assume im not in a happy place

 

Because you titled your thread "Depressed." What else would me and Smackie think? Perhaps "Happy and Plenty of Friends" would have been more accurate.