allen0820 Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 After 13 years of marriage my wife has moved out. We have three children ages 8,6,2. I'm devastated to say the least. Here is how everything has unfolded. We've had fights for years about things, and last spring I made the mistake of getting involved in an online emotional affair. She found out and things went south. We initially repaired, or so I thought, and a month later moved. My job kept me away half the time and when I was home I had so little sleep I ended up sleeping in the chair. Well this all came to a head in mid December, she told me she was done. Despite pleading she had no part of it. She said she couldn't stand me anymore, I'm to negative, to critical, too depressed and she doesn't love me anymore. She claimed we could live as roommates for the kids sake but she would have no communication with me. I spent the next week or so doing everything I could to be better but she would have no part of it. Over the holidays while visiting family, she didn't arrive and sent me an email she moved out her items and met with an attorney. I'm so sad right now. She won't talk to me about anything. We are both Christians and I tried reasoning with her religiously but she simply says she's done, its to late, she'll never trust me again, and she'll never love me ever again. I was the type who put everything into my marriage, it was my identity. The city we moved to was her hometown so she has all her family here for support. I have nobody, no friends, nothing. I feel like us no longer have a purpose in life and miss her dearly. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 Hugs, allen. I'm sorry you're going through this. If I may, I would offer that you were not put on this Earth ONLY to be someone else's husband...meaning that you do still have a purpose in life, it just may need some "tuning-in to the higher guidance within", to uncover the new Plan for you/your life direction. God bless. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DivorcedDad123 Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 To save time,I'm gonna give you the cold,hard facts. She had checked out before your online emotional affair.An online emotional affair can be fixed. You were played. The move closer to her family was calculated and she played nice in order to get you to do it. Now, you're alone. You need to put missing her on the backburner,asap! You're going to have to catch up. She's using your Christian beliefs against you.It can be a downfall. Get to an attorney asap! File to have the children returned to the marital home.(The one you moved to) Check and see if you have to reside in that state/county for a certain amount of time before you can even file for divorce. You're going to have to save your own a$$ and the best way is to fight fire with fire. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Lokin4AReason Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 its not easy for sure ( mine left me also 2 mths ago ) I am still struggling in a way but the best thing you can do is involve yourself w/ hobbies, or something ( to get you mind off of it ) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author allen0820 Posted January 6, 2015 Author Share Posted January 6, 2015 It's awful. I've never felt this depressed in my life. My wife has zero desire to fix anything. Anybody going through this which lives in the Columbus Ohio area? Link to post Share on other sites
clevelander321 Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 Are you sure there is no other man? Link to post Share on other sites
Author allen0820 Posted January 6, 2015 Author Share Posted January 6, 2015 She says there isn't, but I can't say for sure Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 She won't talk to me about anything. We are both Christians and I tried reasoning with her religiously but she simply says she's done, its to late, she'll never trust me again, and she'll never love me ever again. I've been there, about six weeks earlier than you, so I get it. I have a few questions, though: What are your ages? Is this a "Grass is Greener" situation? A kind of mid-life crisis? That's what my wife is going through at the moment. It is, sadly, extremely common for middle aged spouses. What I've learned is that people in this state tend to speak in absolutes, using words like "never" etc. But that doesn't always last. At the moment, she wants nothing to do with you, so you have no choice but to give her what she wants. Any more begging, pleading, declarations of love, etc., are only going to make things worse and get you no closer to any kind of resolution here. She's just going to back away even more. So ... as hard as it is to do, you have to let her go. My advice: Make every effort to remain close to your children and make sure they know that they are cared for and loved and this has nothing to do with them. But when it comes to your relationship with your wife, the only lines of communication I would keep open are the ones regarding your children. Remember that you have no control over what your wife does, only how you react and how you act regarding yourself and your kids. That is what you need to concentrate on: Be your best self and the best dad you can. Work on improving in those areas, and focus on healing from this heartbreak. Believe me, I know it's hard. But it's the only option right now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author allen0820 Posted January 6, 2015 Author Share Posted January 6, 2015 I've been guilty of being critical, not acknowledging our anniversaries, taking her on dates, and generally having no fun with her for years due to job stresses which I realize is no excuse. So no I don't think this is grass is greener she actually told me she couldn't stand to even be around me anymore because I make her miserable. I'm 38 she is 35 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 I've been guilty of being critical, not acknowledging our anniversaries, taking her on dates, and generally having no fun with her for years due to job stresses which I realize is no excuse. So no I don't think this is grass is greener she actually told me she couldn't stand to even be around me anymore because I make her miserable. I'm 38 she is 35 That's not far off from where my wife and I are (41, 38), and the circumstances are somewhat similar. I have let job stress interfere with my happiness, I admit. And the amount of fun we had together has steadily decreased over the years. I would say this: I doubt (at this point) that your wife would attend joint counseling with you, but I highly recommend individual counseling for you, especially given that you are in a place with few friends and family. These boards are a great resource and outlet, but you need an actual person to talk things through with. It can work wonders. Try to improve your stress level, your mood, your ability to have fun. All the things that you know were wrong. Work on that (look up the 180 - it could help you), and you might stand a chance of reconciling down the road. I wouldn't count on it, but either way you win. You will come out of it a stronger, better, healthier person either way, with or without your wife. Best of luck. Keep us posted. KTB Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 I was the type who put everything into my marriage, it was my identity. last spring I made the mistake of getting involved in an online emotional affair. I've been guilty of being critical, not acknowledging our anniversaries, taking her on dates, and generally having no fun with her for years due to job stresses which I realize is no excuse. The first step would be realizing the first statement is contradicted by the next two. You didn't "put everything" into your marriage if you had an EA and took your wife for granted. I say this not to beat you up but to try and get you to understand how this looks to her. She thinks you were a sh*tty husband so if you tell her you gave it your best shot, what hope would she have for change ??? Mistakes were made so take ownership of them. Work on your self emotionally, physically and spiritually. Be the best Dad to your kids you can be during the transition period. Don't whine, plead. beg or make excuses, just allow her to see a new you over time. Even if things don't work out with her, you'll be better positioned for the next stage of your life. Good luck and keep posting... Mr. Lucky 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author allen0820 Posted January 8, 2015 Author Share Posted January 8, 2015 Well I went to swap the kids yesterday and she wouldn't respond to any of my texts. So I didn't know where to meet and this frustrated me. Finally I caught her in the daycare parking lot and immediately grabbed the kids put them in the car and asked why she was ignoring my texts. Turns out she turned off her data, but still it's frustrating how we go from just normal to her telling me to never contact her unless it's about the kids and even then she seemed to ignore me. Part of me thinks who cares, she's gone forever, if she gets mad then oh well this is all her decision to separate after all. But then again I feel it was a setback, because it was an ugly exchange and if there's even the slightest hope of her changing her mind the last thing I want to do is fight. She already though has moved on so far as to change her mail forwarding, buy new furniture, and just deleting money reserves on everything under the sun, from New wardrobe, hair, nails, you name it.... I am guessing for anyone whose had a reconciliation that taking these drastic measures in permanent lifestyle changes means there's no hope for us and she's gone for good Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 But then again I feel it was a setback, because it was an ugly exchange and if there's even the slightest hope of her changing her mind the last thing I want to do is fight. You're only in charge of you. What she can or will do is out of your control. Sounds like a bad scene to have in front of the kids. Focus on yourself, learn from your mistakes. She'll say what she wants but it's in your control how you'll respond. If you want to drive her crazy, be calm, neutral and detached. Smile enigmatically when she tries to provoke you. Don't engage her, limit conversation to matters concerning the kids only... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 (edited) Well it's frustrating how we go from just normal to her telling me to never contact her You didn't go from 'just normal' to no communication. You had an EA, and she didn't want to spend the rest of her life watching you sleep in that chair. You weren't really there for her. You became complacent, and she became angry. Maybe it can be mended, but it doesn't look very likely. Edited January 9, 2015 by Satu 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author allen0820 Posted January 9, 2015 Author Share Posted January 9, 2015 So in other people's opinions on odds of reconciliation do the following signs point to never wanting to reconcile? Move out of martial home, get apt, buy all new furniture, setup utilities Forward mailing address Change Facebook status from married to ask me Zero communication outside of child swapping Switching health insurance to her own employee She has done all of these and more and to me it just seems too far out there for her to ever reconsider. It's like her heart and mind is so far set it's pointless for me to hope otherwise Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 (edited) "So in other people's opinions on odds of reconciliation do the following signs point to never wanting to reconcile? Move out of martial home, get apt, buy all new furniture, setup utilities Forward mailing address Change Facebook status from married to ask me Zero communication outside of child swapping Switching health insurance to her own employee She has done all of these and more and to me it just seems too far out there for her to ever reconsider. It's like her heart and mind is so far set it's pointless for me to hope otherwise." "I've been guilty of being critical, not acknowledging our anniversaries, taking her on dates, and generally having no fun with her for years due to job stresses which I realize is no excuse. So no I don't think this is grass is greener she actually told me she couldn't stand to even be around me anymore because I make her miserable." I'm 38 she is 35." I see zero chance of her wanting to get back together with you, ever. Edited January 9, 2015 by Satu 3 Link to post Share on other sites
WhiteWingedDove Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 I agree with Satu. The fact she will not at all communicate with you is actually the strongest indicator she is emotionally 'done' - she's made her mind up. She MIGHT change it, it isn't impossible, but I don't think there is anything you can (or should) do to change her mind about the relationship. My 2 cents. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author allen0820 Posted January 9, 2015 Author Share Posted January 9, 2015 Yeah there is zero communication, if I try tio initiate anything she ignores it unless it is about the kids. She won't talk about anything else. Additionally she acts as if the whole thing has zero impact on her, and she could care less about this split. She's as happy as can be, always in a good mood, smiling, and just as if life is perfect. She truly seems unaffected completely. So I guess everyone opinion is that these are signs the door is shut forever? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 (edited) Yeah there is zero communication, if I try tio initiate anything she ignores it unless it is about the kids. She won't talk about anything else. Additionally she acts as if the whole thing has zero impact on her, and she could care less about this split. She's as happy as can be, always in a good mood, smiling, and just as if life is perfect. She truly seems unaffected completely. So I guess everyone opinion is that these are signs the door is shut forever? From what you've said, I think she feels that she's not lost anything. Read your own words: "I've been guilty of being critical, not acknowledging our anniversaries, taking her on dates, and generally having no fun with her for years due to job stresses which I realize is no excuse. So no I don't think this is grass is greener she actually told me she couldn't stand to even be around me anymore because I make her miserable." That adds up to little are no investment into the marriage or her on your part. In fact, it suggests a possible passive-aggressive posture on your part. Your disinterest and indifference towards her has brought you to where you are. As you said yourself, your excuse doesn't excuse anything. Edited January 9, 2015 by Satu 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 (edited) So in other people's opinions on odds of reconciliation do the following signs point to never wanting to reconcile? Move out of martial home, get apt, buy all new furniture, setup utilities Forward mailing address Change Facebook status from married to ask me Zero communication outside of child swapping Switching health insurance to her own employee She has done all of these and more and to me it just seems too far out there for her to ever reconsider. It's like her heart and mind is so far set it's pointless for me to hope otherwise Ummmmmm, This is sounding strangely familiar. Do y'all think this sounds like it could be Mr Mightyquin from the "Last Straw" thread? Edited January 9, 2015 by oldshirt Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 ....but taking the assumption this thread is legit, your wife sounds completely checked out and determined. There is a even a possibility there is someone else. Women with minor children do not leave their husbands except in cases of abuse, addiction, abandonment and adultery. There is a good case here for adultery and abandonment. Not only were you a bump on the chair and not engaging her and the marriage but what time you did have available was spent schmoozing up some other chick on the internet. There is no reason here to believe that she is not serious. My recommendation is to assume she is serious and will not be swayed by sweet words, flowers, foot rubs and promises of change. My advice is to assume she is serious and acting with full intent to divorce and move and that you should do the same. Get a good attorney and devote yourself to protecting your assets, property and relationship with your children. Do not waste time, energy or money trying to win her back or fix the marriage, you will need those resources to protect yourself in divorce court. I believe the evidence indicates divorce is inevitable and you need to protect your interests accordingly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author allen0820 Posted January 10, 2015 Author Share Posted January 10, 2015 I pretty much know she has no desire to reconcile. She told me she not only doesn't love me but can't stand being around me. Today, when swapping kids I asked how she has been doing and I got evil eyes. I tried to make small talk about kids and she would have no part of it. We've only been separated two weeks but I can tell the writing is on the wall...She's never coming back and I'm devastated Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 I pretty much know she has no desire to reconcile. She told me she not only doesn't love me but can't stand being around me. Today, when swapping kids I asked how she has been doing and I got evil eyes. I tried to make small talk about kids and she would have no part of it. We've only been separated two weeks but I can tell the writing is on the wall...She's never coming back and I'm devastated I am a recently separated female, and it sounds to me like she has no interest in reconciling. I am still on cordial terms with my husband, but do not want to reconcile. It is too bad that she is hostile, but maybe that is her way of dealing with the split. I would follow her lead-not in being hostile, but in determining what her feelings are. Maybe after the separation is less new, her hostility will lessen, as long as she is not being pursued in a way she doesn't want. Your goal probably should be access to the kids, and down the line, having an at least polite/cordial relationship with her. You never know what may change in the future. But I would say to start accepting that she does not want to reconcile, and go from there. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 As bad as it feels but, this is your only chance for a new life You and her didn't function well you didn't have beautiful and peaceful life She was unhappy and you were as well ( or else you wouldn't get involved in a relationship with someone else) Why stay in the house when it's burning? Let her live her life and go live your life you have kids, right! but you still can live a beautiful life. You can still regain your life and enjoy it a little the pain will go away by time just be more powerful than this pain and go on you have to go on as you have kids that look up to you and you have to stay strong, happy, and in control in front of them. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 You have to stop trying to make small chat with her. She isn't interested at all and the more you do that, the more it pisses her off and actually gives her power over you, which she IS enjoying! Watching you suffer, she's loving being mean to you and ignoring you. For your own sanity and your heart, you need to shut off your emotions around her. Let her know that you two MUST be civil to one another, find a middle ground and work together when it comes to your kids. You can also let her know that you no longer have any interest in her and that you are done too but when it comes to the kids, they come first and from now on she has to stop ignoring your texts or emails/calls when it has to do with them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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