Author allen0820 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 I forgot to mention in this discussion about daycare I tried calling her so we weren't typing so much and she refuses my calls and said all communications must be digital so that they are recorded for later purposes. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 I forgot to mention in this discussion about daycare I tried calling her so we weren't typing so much and she refuses my calls and said all communications must be digital so that they are recorded for later purposes. That's common. In the end, that’ll be good for you too. Less emotional dumping and being leveraged into being emotional care-takers for each other so you can each focus on the kids. Also, if either of you is confused or forgets, you can look back to what was agreed to; and if one of you has a habit of being snarky, manipulating, being passive aggressive, making last minute changes, etc, it keeps a record and everyone accountable. I’ve seen lots of people shirk off their parenting, keep trying to get their ex or STBX to emotionally take care of them, or habitually ask for accommodation. Keeping a record eliminates any dispute about that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author allen0820 Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 I still struggle how a wife can just immediately no longer care for you, or your family. Breaking up the family is not the solution. Our kids are hurting and confused. I'm heartbroken and every day is hard, she won't talk to me at all unless it's one word exchanges about the kids. If it wasn't for the kids I'm 100% confident I'd never hear a word from her. I'm trying to move on but it's hard. I still don't know if there's another man in her life or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Movingforward2 Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 My wife ended my marriage and broke us up as a family and we have kids, And there was no other man,and stil isn't that a know more than anything. So it's not always the case that it's due to someone else. She has said she wants to be on.her own and is happy that way I think that's the hardest part in my situation as well........it's like a big WTF Link to post Share on other sites
Author allen0820 Posted January 23, 2015 Author Share Posted January 23, 2015 At my kids game tonight my wife walked up and stood next to me because our two year old wanted me. Then she stood there while he ran back and forth between us. It felt so weird. She never spoke, finally I said something to just initiate small talk, and she communicated okay I guess. But she still seems unaffected by the whole thing. It's like I'm just some friendly acquaintance to chat with now. I'm not sure how to take it or how to react in that situation. Link to post Share on other sites
clevelander321 Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 At my kids game tonight my wife walked up and stood next to me because our two year old wanted me. Then she stood there while he ran back and forth between us. It felt so weird. She never spoke, finally I said something to just initiate small talk, and she communicated okay I guess. But she still seems unaffected by the whole thing. It's like I'm just some friendly acquaintance to chat with now. I'm not sure how to take it or how to react in that situation. You can't over analyze all her actions and reactions.. Just be yourself.. Women at these times can change over night.. Some of them are better at holding emotions in than we are. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 It's like I'm just some friendly acquaintance to chat with now. I'm not sure how to take it or how to react in that situation. You seem to be good at reading her actions but bad at accepting what they imply. Truth is someone who acts as though they don't want to talk with you, be with you or interact with you in any way should be taken at face value. Hard as it is to accept, you'll have to make your plans accordingly. Tough hand to be dealt but you'll have to start moving on... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author allen0820 Posted January 24, 2015 Author Share Posted January 24, 2015 I texted her tonight as it's been one month nearly since she moved out and asked her if we could talk about this separation. She refused and said she'll only talk to me about the kids. I can't even get her to discuss guidelines and timelines on this separation. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 I texted her tonight as it's been one month nearly since she moved out and asked her if we could talk about this separation. She refused and said she'll only talk to me about the kids. I can't even get her to discuss guidelines and timelines on this separation. Do this: 'Look, I want this separation/divorce done as soon as possible which is why we need to talk. I am not interested in fixing things with you, we are not getting back together. I do think for the sake of our son we need to find a common respect and middle ground, to get along in the future and be in the same room without coldness. I want our son to feel safe and loved by us, regardless of us being apart.' She can't call all the shots and right now she is in total control. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 She says there isn't, but I can't say for sure Start checking. She may be cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author allen0820 Posted January 24, 2015 Author Share Posted January 24, 2015 It wouldn't surprise me if she is based on her actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 Start checking. She may be cheating. Beach, why would it matter? Whether she is or isn't, she's gone other way This is more about what the OP will do with the next month, year and decade of his life. Starting now... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author allen0820 Posted January 26, 2015 Author Share Posted January 26, 2015 It's been a month so I asked her if she feels better or worse, and her reply was "im not discussing anything with you right now unless it's about the kids" Link to post Share on other sites
Ralph79 Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 It's been a month so I asked her if she feels better or worse, and her reply was "im not discussing anything with you right now unless it's about the kids" Didn't you just text her 3 days ago? I texted her tonight as it's been one month nearly since she moved out and asked her if we could talk about this separation. She refused and said she'll only talk to me about the kids. This was very good advice: Do this: 'Look, I want this separation/divorce done as soon as possible which is why we need to talk. I am not interested in fixing things with you, we are not getting back together. I do think for the sake of our son we need to find a common respect and middle ground, to get along in the future and be in the same room without coldness. I want our son to feel safe and loved by us, regardless of us being apart.' She can't call all the shots and right now she is in total control. You've tried being nice and so far it has backfired on you. Your problem is you miss her, and she doesn't miss you. She's got the upper hand. She can't lose. Thus , you can't win. Change the rules of the "game". Legitimately focus on the well being of your kids. Forget about her. (For the moment). P.S. Partners that dump you can smell your heartbreak a mile away. They can hear it in your voice. That gives them the power to keep treating you like crap. You have to legitimately stop caring about her to gain some respect back, the way things are going with you at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author allen0820 Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 (edited) I'm keeping little contact with her but occasionally get weak. Today she told me she's getting a new car because the one she took is in my name. So I say, you really are trying to sever all ties and move on as you said, with no intentions to ever try to fix us aren't you? And her reply was "You work on you, I'll work on me, and we'll see if one day we are fixable down the road" So confusing Edited January 30, 2015 by allen0820 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 I'm keeping little contact with her but occasionally get weak. Today she told me she's getting a new car because the one she took is in my name. So I say, you really are trying to sever all ties and move on as you said, with no intentions to ever try to fix us aren't you? And her reply was "You work on you, I'll work on me, and we'll see if one day we are fixable down the road" So confusing Not confusing at all. This is Chrystal clear, she has checked out. She likely started checking out and disengaging from you years ago. She's done. Start believing her and believing the writing on the wall. She is making a new life for herself. You need to do the same. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Allen it's 5 pages later and no matter how many times you ask this question to her or us ... the answers are not going to change. Unless you accept the answer you are going to continue down this useless path and be 'blindsided' again. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 So we get into an argument yesterday around day care issues. Primary because if I disagree with any of her demands, it triggers a fight and potential of legal action instead of working through things ourselves. After I agreed to her terms, I had to tell her that I still don't believe this is in the best interests of our kids. And how I'm going to counseling and trying to fix things yet she doesn't appear to be doing anything. I asked her if she had zero intentions of ever trying to work this out, and her response was that she needs to get her head straight, figure out things for herself, and focus on caring for the kids. I then asked what that meant to figure this out and her reply was for her to understand why I had the emotional affair, how to move past it. And that she needs time and space to heal. I'm not sure how to take any of that except that I probably made mistakes even bringing it up, and that I'm merely some astronomically remote backup option for her incase whatever she has going on doesn't work out. I also then made the probable mistake of sending a long reply about how things can be different going forward if she ever decides to change her mind. Any thoughts? Stop groveling!!! Women don't like weak cry babies. Ignore her. Only deal with kid issues. Move on and learn from this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Stop groveling!!! Women don't like weak cry babies. Ignore her. Only deal with kid issues. Move on and learn from this. That's easy for you to say, give him a break and show him some compassion he's trying to cope the best he can, the hard approach works sometimes but so does a bit of love and understanding, we don't all respond well to a kick up the backside all the times, we are all human beings with feelings that are all easily hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Ralph79 Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Ok, we should show compassion but we also have to point out the obvious for his sake: I still struggle how a wife can just immediately no longer care for you, or your family. Breaking up the family is not the solution. Our kids are hurting and confused. Answer: My job kept me away half the time and when I was home I had so little sleep I ended up sleeping in the chair. I'm to negative, to critical, too depressed We are both Christians and I tried reasoning with her religiously You don't use this as negotiation leverage. You are not a preacher or a saint, specially when: I made the mistake of getting involved in an online emotional affair I've been guilty of being critical, not acknowledging our anniversaries, taking her on dates, and generally having no fun with her You have been losing her for many years. There is no one to blame for her actions but yourself. If she were here posting anonymously on the forums EVERYONE would tell her to take her time and stay away from you until you change. Or not come back at all. And no, you don't change years of neglectful attitude just because she's gone for a week or a month. She's smart enough to know this. Gonna take the gloves off and I apologize in advance but I say this in hopes that it sinks in: The fact that you are selfish enough to want her back and insist on returning to you just because YOU feel emotional pain due to her absence tells a lot about this relationship... Think, she probably felt what you are feeling now all those years you neglected her. Give her time. Give her space. You owe it to her. Man up, and have accountability for your actions instead of crying and whining on why she's doing what's best for her finally. You have to understand that for your sake, you need to change. If she were to come back, you'd go back to your neglecting ways. It's human nature. My advice: Take charge of your life. Don't let work set the mood for the rest of your day. Organize yourself better and focus on being a great father. She may one day come back. But it's up to her, not you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 That's easy for you to say, give him a break and show him some compassion he's trying to cope the best he can, the hard approach works sometimes but so does a bit of love and understanding, we don't all respond well to a kick up the backside all the times, we are all human beings with feelings that are all easily hurt. I will refer you and OP to post #70. It will do OP no good to tell him it is ok to whine and beg. I am not telling OP to not vent here. I am saying women do not like whiny, cry baby men. And they don't. He needs to appear strong and stop begging. That would make me cringe. Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 I will refer you and OP to post #70. It will do OP no good to tell him it is ok to whine and beg. I am not telling OP to not vent here. I am saying women do not like whiny, cry baby men. And they don't. He needs to appear strong and stop begging. That would make me cringe. I don't think it matters. He can cry and beg or he can pretend he doesn't care and act like he's moving on, but I don't think either will change her mind. He neglected her for years, treated her badly, and had an EA. She's done. And who can blame her? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author allen0820 Posted February 4, 2015 Author Share Posted February 4, 2015 In the past few days my wife bought a new car bc she wanted one in her name and dropped off the other car she was using in my name, and then told me she was going to file her taxes as married filing separate. She's clearly taking more steps to further separate... Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Why don't you file for divorce? That would allow YOU to begin accepting what is happening. You can begin to build a new life for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author allen0820 Posted February 4, 2015 Author Share Posted February 4, 2015 We are religious, without an actual act of physical adultery divorce isn't likely. She actually tried to claim I committed adultery by finding this hotel business card and saying it was proof. The only time I was never around her was at work so I had to get reports that show my hours worked to prove that card meant nothing...in fact I don't even know where that card came from. I was able to prove my whereabouts, so that's no longer a concern, at least to me it was proven without a shadow of a doubt. And if she's being honest with herself then she knows as well bc I was around her every minute outside of work. I think she was just trying to find anything to attempt to get a divorce and still remain in good standing within her church.. Link to post Share on other sites
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