Need to get this out there

[JonjMie]

I haven't slept all night, here's what my overactive mind has come up with.

 

I want to contact her by text and say that I feel hurt that she couldn't dump me face to face, that I'm also hurting that she's gone into a dating site less than 4 days after doing this and that surely I meant more than this. Ok I yes I've joined too and it's a wrong move, I'm not ready to date again just yet even after just a 10 month relationship, does she feel the same ?

 

Her texts were fairly clear.

 

EX - being honest no things aren't right, I've enjoyed spending time on my own with my children, there is something not right for me within our relationship, something missing although I can't put my finger on it.

 

Me - OK I'm gutted, going to miss you like mad, I wish you and XXXXX and XXXXX all the happiness in the world.

 

EX- I wish you the same, you deserve it.

 

Me- is there anything I did or said that's caused this, I can't get my head around it.

 

EX- no you haven't done or said anything it's just a feeling in my stomach

 

Me - Is this un-fixable ?

 

Ex - Yes it is.

 

And that was it, the last words we said to each other on Tuesday after she cancelled our sleep over and dinner, out of usual character. It's a week last night since I have actually seen her. Since then no other contact, social media, texts or phone calls to each other.

 

My gut feeling is that I have nothing to lose now, if she on th dating site then she's going to set up some dates, and some of these won't be for her and maybe a couple of dates will by the law of averages, and if they are then she's up and running. So between now and next weekend when she has a child free couple of days might be my last chance to say how I feel one last time ?

 

Having thought about it if she rang now and said I want to see you again I would, I love her but it's highly likely she doesn't feel the same way, that her texts were genuine, but what if she's waiting for me to fight back, I know women do this sometimes to test the waters and see how much someone is willing to fight for them ?

 

If I get the brush off then ok, I'm back to square one which is only 4 days ago anyway, I may handle things better going forward for at least trying to give it one more chance ? But at least I will know for sure, and if she's waiting for me to contact her then I've saved it.

 

The other altnative is to read no more Mr nice guy, stay NC, let her date, take the chance she won't find anyone and maybe do a 180 later down the line ?

 

Please let me know your thoughts.

 

Edit: just noticed she's back on the dating site this morning first thing, obviously sifting through the tons of messages women generally get on that site

Edited January 11, 2015 by JonjMie

[jbear0111]

Stop torturing yourself mate,ive been there and done it and no good came from it.

 

My relationship was 2.5 years and whilst we both believed we were soulmates etc etc,when she ended it one of her last comments was "i'm done,i cant do it anymore"

 

I didnt think she meant it and like you told her i'd fight for her as i knew she was the one i wanted.i thought that along with the fact of what she had always said about me when we were together about me being the one would "win" her back.

 

Now 3.5 months post break up and nothing whatsoever back from her,no contact,no nothing.ive been simply cut from her life as though i didnt exist.

 

I've had 3.5 months of stress,anxiety,depression,heartache,pain,obsessing and all those other negative adjectives.

 

She made her decision and hasnt changed it.

My decision now is getting MY LIFE back together......and sod her

 

Be strong mate

[JonjMie]

Stop torturing yourself mate,ive been there and done it and no good came from it.

 

My relationship was 2.5 years and whilst we both believed we were soulmates etc etc,when she ended it one of her last comments was "i'm done,i cant do it anymore"

 

I didnt think she meant it and like you told her i'd fight for her as i knew she was the one i wanted.i thought that along with the fact of what she had always said about me when we were together about me being the one would "win" her back.

 

Now 3.5 months post break up and nothing whatsoever back from her,no contact,no nothing.ive been simply cut from her life as though i didnt exist.

 

I've had 3.5 months of stress,anxiety,depression,heartache,pain,obsessing and all those other negative adjectives.

 

She made her decision and hasnt changed it.

My decision now is getting MY LIFE back together......and sod her

 

Be strong mate

 

How long do you think your recovery period will be ?

I reckon for a ten month relationship it's going to take me the same amount of time which isn't an exciting prospect.

 

Thanks for your support by the way it means a lot, this site it's keeping me partly in one piece.

[JonjMie]

Right, this sounds freaky but thought if I'm dating then let's see what the competition is like, and to see what the Ex is seeing in truth, anyhow, I'm in decent shape, good for my age lets say although must have some personality disorders or something to get dumped,

 

Actually it made me feel quite good doing a local then further search of the age group and stuff, probably some nice guys on there, but then that's not what she wants, I'm a nice guy !!!

 

That reminds me, I have purchased no more Mr nice guy, must read that today, I've been sick all night probably due to not eating for a week near enough and phoned in sick at work for the first time in years, and I lose £50 a day so this is what I'm reduced to, tomorrow is my rota day off so ive got 2 days to recover, drink tea, and slowly try to drag myself out of this first stage of post break up trauma.

 

I have also downloaded a very good article on how to deal with anxiety and worry, I'm a born worrier and it seems the people that suffer the most are the people that don't let it out, that's me, I need to punch a few pillows and last night in the car I smakced the steering wheel a few times and called her a bitch etc etc meaning im probably moving into the next phas all being well

[JonjMie]

I'm gonna get shot down for this a but at least I've found out the truth.

 

I set up a dating profile and winked at my ex, she messaged me back saying have you got a picture etc, I asked her if she had been on the dating site for long and she said since Saturday, so that's a couple of days before she ended it.

 

I then asked have you had any dates yet, she said she was on the site last year and met a guy but there was no chemistry and ended it. So boom, stalking I know but I've got an answer, I can see where she's coming from we quickly slipped into a life of normality and perhaps the honeymoon period was over for her.

 

I saw a post on here that stated people don't sticks with that period anymore and expect fireworks to the end.

 

Part of me is gutted but part of me now has changed a gear and accept its over.

 

Shame she didn't say that sooner and she was a bloody good actor for the 9 months up to Christmas on all levels !!!

 

Shoot me now for being a stalker

[KBarletta]

I'm gonna get shot down for this a but at least I've found out the truth.

 

I set up a dating profile and winked at my ex, she messaged me back saying have you got a picture etc, I asked her if she had been on the dating site for long and she said since Saturday, so that's a couple of days before she ended it.

 

I then asked have you had any dates yet, she said she was on the site last year and met a guy but there was no chemistry and ended it. So boom, stalking I know but I've got an answer, I can see where she's coming from we quickly slipped into a life of normality and perhaps the honeymoon period was over for her.

 

I saw a post on here that stated people don't sticks with that period anymore and expect fireworks to the end.

 

Part of me is gutted but part of me now has changed a gear and accept its over.

 

Shame she didn't say that sooner and she was a bloody good actor for the 9 months up to Christmas on all levels !!!

 

Shoot me now for being a stalker

 

 

Please, for your own mental health, let that truly be the end of it. She's clearly moved on, and you need to, too. You need to stop looking at her pages online, stop thinking about her and start thinking about yourself. I would even recommend not dating for a while, or even thinking about it, and just concentrate on your own healing. Spend time with friends and family, stay active, pick up some new hobbies, concentrate on work, etc. All things that can take your mind off of her. Don't contact her and do everything you can to avoid even thinking about her. Treat yourself like you would treat your best friend.

[JonjMie]

Yes I'm taking your advice and my own gut instinct, what she does now is up to her but I don't feel the need to chase her up, I'm deleting the fake profile and moving onwards. I have stuck a list of why we weren't compatible on the mirror in my room, sounds awful but at 47 in hindsight do I want to bring up a 3&4 year old ? I was going to but I'm selfish, do I have the time ? No idea.

 

She will continue to search for that chemistry I guess and may end up searching for a while in a cycle of meeting someone and having to deal with the whole introducing them to the kids thing, nobody is perfect, I think I was a decent enough catch but I will now chill and enjoy down time.

 

Anxiety levels have dropped a bit, talking to her was strange but it was in the third person so not real, sounds like she's hasn't had the best success as yet on line, I was seduced by her very amazing body and im sure someone else will.

[KBarletta]

I was seduced by her very amazing body and im sure someone else will.

 

I have had those same thoughts, as my wife had all that going on, too.

 

Maybe it's true that someone else will be seduced. But unless there are real feelings or chemistry there beyond the physical, that will fade fairly quickly. That is not what a lasting relationship is built on, and neither is the temporary high she'll get when finding someone new.

 

Regardless of that, though, your job now is to work on yourself, address the issues you may have had in your past relationship(s), and re-make yourself into a "catch" for some lucky new person down the road.

 

The best way to move on: Be the best person you can be without worrying one moment about her and what she's doing.

Edited January 12, 2015 by KBarletta

[JonjMie]

I have had those same thoughts, as my wife had all that going on, too.

 

Maybe it's true that someone else will be seduced. But unless there are real feelings or chemistry there beyond the physical, that will fade fairly quickly. That is not what a lasting relationship is built on, and neither is the temporary high she'll get when finding someone new.

 

Regardless of that, though, your job now is to work on yourself, address the issues you may have had in your past relationship(s), and re-make yourself into a "catch" for some lucky new person down the road.

 

The best way to move on: Be the best person you can be without worrying one moment about her and what she's doing.

 

Currently reading "no more Mr nice guy" a lot of it is relavent, particularly since my dad left home at 9 my mum always said your just like your damn father but actually, he's controlling and I try to be different, learning as I go here guys.

[JonjMie]

The sad thing is I knew I had found somebody that was fairly decent morally, honest pretty much and faithful, hard things to find ? I hope not in future.

 

The chemistry bit I can do nothing about, that's how she feels and if it's not the I'm not going to be able to make it.

 

E only one thing that hurts is that on the Saturday night after I cooked her dinner and had a quiet but nice enough evening she decided when she got home to go back on the dating website and then waited until the Tuesday to text me it was over and cancel our next meeting.

 

Technically cheating or not ? Who knows

[JonjMie]

Still woke up feeling sick to my stomach this morning but it's getting easier, I'm letting it sink in and trying to learn for the future.

 

I analysed this morning, yesterday I took a sickie and had a duvet day, took care of myself and dozed, watched crap TV, drunk tea and chilled. I think it was a nice thing to do for myself, this is one of the help triggers in the no more Mr nice guy book, to do things for yourself, stop pleaseing others.

 

What I thought this morning is that I'm missing the actual physical aspects of the relationship not the girl, cuddling up, touching, hug before work, reaching out, her ass lol, but then I can get these things in any other woman, and I can get these things with a woman that actually wants to be with me, not one that broke up with me three times saying she needed space, that let me get involved and love her children, and one that's decided to go dating again less than a week after she dumped me by text, at my instigation.

 

So today is a scheduled day off, I'm visiting my mum, doing some washing, might buy myself something new, and more exciting my daughter is coming after school to my apartment and I'm cooking her tea and taking her to her drama classes she loves, then taking her home to her mums.

 

I think I'm healing quicker than I thought I would, there's going to be a relapse at some point I know when I bump into her or she texts, I don't think she will, at some point I would like to go on facebook as my daughters are on there but she remains a friend with me and her family and I have just deactivate the account, I would have to physically then go onto her profile and unfriend her, think I will leave it for a while, Not missing facebook to be honest apart from the family stuff.

[JonjMie]

Quick update, after yesterday's antics I spotted a message I hadn't seen where she says that the guy she went out with (me) she was dating for six months, (actually it was 10) she had a lovely time but there were no deep feelings involved.

 

Bull**** then to a potential new date, we had discussed moving into together and even marriage, and the L word was thrown round a fair bit.

[jbear0111]

Jonjmie.

Try and stop analysing everything,the what ifs,the whys and wherefores.It will not get you anywhere and will certainly not get your ex back

My ex left me after I stopped giving into her demands,she wanted me to up sticks,marry and have a baby with her,all within 12 -14 months of our relationship.

The last year was constant pressure from her.Yes i was deeply in love with her but there were no compromises her side and whilst now I suspect she was cheating on me I have no proof

Within a month or so though,she was in a relationship and posting pics up on FB.We had both blocked each other so I was getting it 2nd hand and it destroyed me.I went no contatc for a while but broke it because I was obsessing about her and couldnt imagine a life without her.

The nadir was being unable to go to my sisters for xmas day lunch as all i wanted to do was curl up on my own and not speak to anyone

 

I know she isnt coming back and I am concentrating on myself and being selfish for myself,doing what I want to do to make me feel better and move on,wether that be saying no to nights out or going for a walk or buying myself clothes,just pampering myself until I get back out there

 

I am 16 weeks post bu and got to the lowest point ever on xmas day and I dont want to be there again.

 

I seem to have accepted and whilst I still do think about her,i dont to the point of obsession and the subsequent negative round and round thinking pattern.

 

I love me,my daughter and my family and thats who im concentrating on

You will get there mate

[JonjMie]

Your way further down the line for me and your relationship was a bit longer. I only a week into this and I think I've been up and down all week, mostly down although last night I got a bit longer sleep.

 

It's nice to know she told someone else our relationship was lovely so that's something to take going forward, just need to be the same man but find that spark with someone and perhaps turn off the needy a tad, majority of women like a mans man so going to make sure I'm not in that situation again.

 

The NC thing works for me at the moment.

 

At the moment I'm imagining the conversations she's having on the dating site and arranging the odd date and flirty, suggestive text or email, that hurts, St some point she has the intimacy of another to enjoy and that sparkle of a new date, a new person to explore, at the moment I seem to not be able to avoid these images so I feel imaging them, letting the hurt wash over me seems to help deal with it, I'm not avoiding it so to speak. And when I say imagining I mean full on.

 

Other things are difficult are our network of friends and neighbours and the Summer they will enjoy without me there, the holidays they will book and the Christmas they will plan etc, I know these things ease with time and I'll be doing my own thing by then but helps to write it down in diary format on here.

 

Thanks for listening x

[bigtrouble]

Believe in yourself, you can find and meet other women but for now its gonna be hard since there is only one you want.

 

Give it time, you can't be torturing yourself trying to figure out what's going through her mind, If we can we won't be in this kind of mess in the first place.

 

Go meet somebody else, just give it a shot and give her space, and give yourself a break.

[JonjMie]

Believe in yourself, you can find and meet other women but for now its gonna be hard since there is only one you want.

 

Give it time, you can't be torturing yourself trying to figure out what's going through her mind, If we can we won't be in this kind of mess in the first place.

 

Go meet somebody else, just give it a shot and give her space, and give yourself a break.

 

Today is day 8 of NC and I haven't slept again and now up showered and taking myself to work.

Thought I might be on the right road yesterday but last night I couldn't figure why she would choose just to be alone rather than with me if she thought we had a lovely relationship, the fact she didn't run off into another's arms is proof on here guys and girls that it doesn't matter, it still hurts whether they cheate or whatever, because all I have now is a delayed reaction to her meeting someone else when I found out about it, I kind hope she doesn't until I feel better but chances are she will.

 

Anyway,move to you all,metal with the NC although I'm pretty sure now she's never going to contact me, she doesn't do U turns I know that, in life she's a move ahead type person and don't look back in life and career.

And even if she did I know I wouldn't be the person for the correct reasons, she would still not feel any chemistry and therefore I would set myself up for more heartache so it's over, I know that.

 

I had a date last night, very pretty girl from around 20 miles away, immaculate in make up and clothes but I smell a rat. Never married, 44, I see red flags which I have opened my mind to after being on this site, my thoughts are

 

Seeking gratification from others, she is so immaculate and runs every night of the week that there is an issue somewhere, she hinted at being a serial dater too so I'm staying well clear, the pretty ones in my experience always leave me vulnerable and this one I know would be a painful ending.

[bigtrouble]

Today is day 8 of NC and I haven't slept again and now up showered and taking myself to work.

Thought I might be on the right road yesterday but last night I couldn't figure why she would choose just to be alone rather than with me if she thought we had a lovely relationship, the fact she didn't run off into another's arms is proof on here guys and girls that it doesn't matter, it still hurts whether they cheate or whatever, because all I have now is a delayed reaction to her meeting someone else when I found out about it, I kind hope she doesn't until I feel better but chances are she will.

 

Anyway,move to you all,metal with the NC although I'm pretty sure now she's never going to contact me, she doesn't do U turns I know that, in life she's a move ahead type person and don't look back in life and career.

And even if she did I know I wouldn't be the person for the correct reasons, she would still not feel any chemistry and therefore I would set myself up for more heartache so it's over, I know that.

 

I had a date last night, very pretty girl from around 20 miles away, immaculate in make up and clothes but I smell a rat. Never married, 44, I see red flags which I have opened my mind to after being on this site, my thoughts are

 

Seeking gratification from others, she is so immaculate and runs every night of the week that there is an issue somewhere, she hinted at being a serial dater too so I'm staying well clear, the pretty ones in my experience always leave me vulnerable and this one I know would be a painful ending.

 

Hang in there, its difficult when the one woman we want/love slips through our fingers. All we can think is her, well your dating is still fruitful you see red flags and steered clear of it. Anyways best of luck to you.

[JonjMie]

Day 9 of NC and i feel ever so slightly better today. Not much mind.

 

Another partially sleepless night although thats getting better as well, I only woke up at 4am for an hour then managed to sleep until 7ish

 

Another major factor in my life has meant more progress I think, my youngest daughter is 12 and found out she is self harming as she cant cope with the every day anxiety and worry at school, so her mum has taken her out of school and will home educate her, last night was a meeting to discuss how we are going to do it.

 

When I eventually got home after lots of tears I opened the laptop and deleted anythign to do with my ex, got rid of the stupid fake match account, she told the fake match man that she had been speaking to a guy on the phone and was arranging a date but he was 30 miles away.

She also said she doesnt need anybody but it makes me feel a bit ****ty that she would rather be alone than in a relationship with me.

 

Anyway I know shes not coming back, I want to break NC just to say my piece but I know the advice is not to. What if she does want to get back together and I will never find out ????

[jbear0111]

I think from what you've said,she's made it pretty clear that your relationship with her is over,done,kaput,finished.

I donmt meant to sound harsh but thats the reality of it and the sooner you accept it the sonner you move on.

I didnt,couldnt,wouldnt accept it primarily because after the BU I analysed everything she had siad to me during the course of the relationship but am just about at that acceptance point now.

 

I dont know whether it would be something you'd consider but I am going through counselling,not only as a reaction to this most recent bu but also becuase I have seem to have a cycle of good and bad times.The counselling is helping enormously,as is exerecise and as is concentrating on my daughter.

 

I was angry at her for just walking away especially after all she said to me,but she did it for her own reasons and however much i try and second guess those reasons it wont change the outcome.

 

She is she,I am me.Remember that

Dont try and change you to be with her,I was doing that until I couldnt do it anymore.

 

I am finding myself again and being the best I can

[JonjMie]

Proving to be a difficult afternoon, thought about the three times during our relationship that she wanted space and she was too busy and realise these were attempts to break up, not very good ones and we quickly got back together and things were even better she said. One came about 8 days before xmas and this was probably attempt to break it off, instead she made me feel awkward over xmas at her house with her parents and i felt like a spare part most of the time, she didnt hug me once, im angry for this and angry for myself for not seeing the red flag. I put it down to her not being very show off in front of her family.

 

The financial aspect makes me angry too as she let me buy her children and her presents and even one from the chidlren to herself, not to mention supplying £200 worth of wine and spirits for the festivities.

 

I'm sure I will snap out of it but feeling quite angry now

[seminoles84]

 

feeling quite angry now

 

Good! Use that to fuel your NC!

[JonjMie]

Afternoon all.

 

Well I definately feel a 6 /10 today, slept well and only woke up once, managed to eat breakfast and slowly getting my appetite back.

 

Still see her on Match, on-line looking for "LOVE" but its effecting me less each day I put myself through it, Im still nagry which is phase 2 I know and if I saw her I would probbaly give her a mouthfull of my thoughts but for now I'm NC and starting to come out from tjhe shadows of the last 10 days.

Ive got a date lined up for tonight I'm looking forward to going out and having dinner and wont even be thinking of anything sexually or romantically.

I also spoke to a girl last night and we chatted for a couple of hours and looking to have dinner next week after work some time, she sounds great, we shall see.

 

Have a rare weekend off so going north a couple of hours to see my dad and get out of the flat for the weekend. Change of scenery and all that.

 

I know its going to sting when I know or see shes with someone else but will try and make myself feel better with the thought she will probably still be emotionally void with this other person.

 

Onwards and upwards. x

[JonjMie]

Spoke to soon, had a massive downturn this afternoon thinking that for all those months she wasnt really into us, and we talked moving in together in September this year and marriage potentially and plans for holidays etc.

 

All this time her cries of "I need Space" were in fact attempts to bail out, there were probably times she thought things were good but the underlying feeling must have been that she was unhappy although said she had a lovely time.

[JonjMie]

Well I feel a bit crappy today, primarily because I got laid, no feelings just sex but felt empty after and was thinking about my ex during, not good. I'm clearly nowhere near ready even for sex let alone a relationship.

 

Worse thing about it is I had to drop the girl off home this morning and she lives in the same town as my ex so had to drive past her house.

 

I want her back and I'm into the 11th day of NC but I know she probably doesn't want me, was tempted to text her friend and see if she could test the water for me.

 

So I'm having a set back, I've seen she's on what's app all the time probably chatting to a new guy and she has a date set up for one evening next week, it really hurts to know this but I know there's nothing I can do, but to know someone else will have what I had with her is so painful. Someone holding her, lying with her, doing things together, watching the same tv shows, cooking together, walking the dog, going for breakfast.

 

I spent a lot of time sitting with the kids while she went shopping and walking the dog etc, feel a little but used.

Edited January 17, 2015 by JonjMie

[JonjMie]

Mixed emotions today, felt good this morning and then down in the dumps this afternoon wondering what she is up to and how, if anybody, she is with, I wish I could find something to hate her for or that she was unattractive or something but I cant.

 

NC continues and Tuesday is the 14th day, I know she's not coming back, she was clear and she always said how she didn't do u turns or look back in any aspects of her life, that's just her nature.

 

Think I will have to take some sleeping tablets tonight as I'm going to struggle to sleep.