Broke up with my boyfriend of four months because of his addictive personality.

[chocoheart]

My boyfriend seems to be addicted to way too many things. Weed, alcohol, smoking and gaming? As time wore on I realised maybe he was trying to escape something but in the process he managed to isolate me and make me feel so significantly unwanted and undesired. I think he's depressed and I tried to tell him this when I broke up with him in a last ditch effort to maybe try to make things work together and his response was that his unhappiness would drive him to do better things for himself. I feel a greater loss from this relationship than I've felt from relationships that have lasted much much longer. He argued for us to stay friends because he told me he loves me and that I'm important to him but I told him no. I feel pretty terrible and wished I understood what went wrong.

[Quiet Storm]

It's not that something "went wrong". It's just that he is not emotionally capable of being in a relationship. In order for a relationship to succeed, both partners must be mentally healthy.

 

It sounds like he never learned healthy coping skills, so he manages his depression by escaping- alcohol, weed, video games, smoking. This is not uncommon, but it's unlikely that his depression will suddenly prompt him to do better things for himself. That's not the way it works. He may have every intention of doing better, but if he is missing the essential skills that are needed to cope with life and what comes with it- disappointment, conflict, boredom, adversity- then he will fall back into his old patterns.

 

I think you made a very smart decision by breaking up with him. Four months is long enough for you to see that he has issues that do not make him a good candidate for a boyfriend. Some people may enable their addicted partners or blindly believe they will change, but you recognize that he will not fit into the life you want for yourself. Be proud of that!

 

Grieve the loss of him (or what you wished he'd be), but realize that you have dodged a bullet. A person like this will not benefit your life, they will end up being a liability. You will have pain from the loss now, but you are saving yourself a lot of future stress, drama and heartache. Addicts will lie to their best friends, spouses, moms, kids... all to protect their addictions. Even though you know there is probably a good person hiding behind the booze/weed/whatever, you can't allow your life to be tainted by his issues. You made the right choice.

[Hija77]

My ex was also a pothead and an alcoholic. Addiction makes relationships virtually impossible to maintain, and incredibly painful for the sober partner. He said he cared about me, but his actions were the opposite of that. I also feel that the loss is greater than with other relationships I've been in. In my case, I think it's that my expectations were higher than what he was capable of giving. It made me feel worthless, and like the loss of the relationship laid squarely on my shoulders because what he offered wasn't enough. He was fine with us as long as I didn't make waves about his behavior, so what could I possibly be so upset about it? Ha! don't know if this helps, but I hope it does. Just remember that addicts aren't emotionally sound enough to give others the love and respect they need. They're selfish. It's part of the disease. Period. Unless he wants help, and is willing to take the steps and make an effort to change, you're competing for him against a bottle of liquor and a bag of weed. As lovely a person as I'm sure you are, you won't win. Be kind to yourself, and move on with your life...unless you want to spend the rest of it dealing with someone who will only get worse at times passes. You deserve better than that. We all do. Take care!

[coolheadal]

He didn't reciprocate what you wanted in the relationship! So he started to neglect you. Made-up by smoking weed (goes from cool to high), drinking (goes from sober to drunk) and playing online gaming (lost-in-space).

 

So it was you + him + weed + drinks + drunk + gamer. No fun in this relationship at all just him having a good old time. He's best to live on his own and be on his own. He has no time to be in any relationship except for him.

 

Well you did the right thing to get out of this so called relationship for good. Remember to do the NC = no contact + no communication and NG = never give in to anything. This Ex BF is what he is today! Can't change his ways because that is his habit now and his behavior shows it. No one can change anyone into being something different.

 

But for you, put this memory to one side in your mind and go find a guy who wants to spend some real quality time with you. Someone loves you so much and you love them too.

[chocoheart]

Thank you for your kind words, I know right now I'm going to feel the loss but hopefully it won't last too long.

 

He's extremely unhappy with his professional career (terribly over worked) and I think that is the root of the problem coupled with the fact that he's an introvert there was really no time/space for me in his life. Although, he did really try to include me in his life, I could tell he became antsy after having me around for long periods of time (more than a few hours). It was like he was sharing the time he needed to himself with me so he never got to recharge? But the irony was despite all our arguments, he always told me he could do better. I wonder if he's capable of realising what went wrong and when he finally does have a grip on his life, if I should let him back in.

[chocoheart]

Hija77, that's exactly how I felt! I even called him out on his selfishness. All those weekends I would sit with him and watch him get high and knock back beers instead of wanting to go out and do something really began to wear on me. It go to the point where I couldn't even feel attractive anymore because he seemed to have such a low sex drive and then he pinned it on me by saying I had to make him aroused to get us into bed. I don't know why I feel such a loss for someone that obviously just way too self involved.

[coolheadal]

Thank you for your kind words, I know right now I'm going to feel the loss but hopefully it won't last too long.

 

He's extremely unhappy with his professional career (terribly over worked) and I think that is the root of the problem coupled with the fact that he's an introvert there was really no time/space for me in his life. Although, he did really try to include me in his life, I could tell he became antsy after having me around for long periods of time (more than a few hours). It was like he was sharing the time he needed to himself with me so he never got to recharge? But the irony was despite all our arguments, he always told me he could do better. I wonder if he's capable of realising what went wrong and when he finally does have a grip on his life, if I should let him back in.

 

No! NG = never give in! Move on now and find someone else that loves you for being you. Should never, never stand for this nonsense and I know where you coming from. But you see he even said he could do better. But again you can't change who he is what he does. No one can change you for who you are.

 

I hope you understand what was really going on and take this relationship as a learning experience. There many people out there that have this sort of issue too.

 

But if stay positive (have hope) you'll be very happy with someone else!

[chocoheart]

No! NG = never give in! Move on now and find someone else that loves you for being you. Should never, never stand for this nonsense and I know where you coming from. But you see he even said he could do better. But again you can't change who he is what he does. No one can change you for who you are.

 

I hope you understand what was really going on and take this relationship as a learning experience. There many people out there that have this sort of issue too.

 

But if stay positive (have hope) you'll be very happy with someone else!

 

You're right I deserve much more than what he could ever offer me.

[Hija77]

When things get hard for you, we all have bad days, read a little about alcoholism/addiction. I'd be willing to bet that you picked up some bad habits from that relationship. I know I did. Enabling, devaluing yourself, allowing yourself to be disrespected...the list goes on and on. Don't take that garbage with you into your next relationship. Let go of all of it. If you don't, you run the risk of ending up in the same place--just with a different person. Good for you for being the one to break it off!!!

[chocoheart]

When things get hard for you, we all have bad days, read a little about alcoholism/addiction. I'd be willing to bet that you picked up some bad habits from that relationship. I know I did. Enabling, devaluing yourself, allowing yourself to be disrespected...the list goes on and on. Don't take that garbage with you into your next relationship. Let go of all of it. If you don't, you run the risk of ending up in the same place--just with a different person. Good for you for being the one to break it off!!!

 

I would love some suggestions if you have any. Thank you for all this lovely advice. I really appreciate it!

[coolheadal]

These addictions can be put to one side if you have picked anyone of them up. With a mind control effect chant if you say it daily. If your interested I'll post it here. Just have to tell which addiction you have picked-up though? I am a Psychic & Reiki Master I also heal with the mind and with my hands. But the chant is simple enough. Another way is to use BWE Theta Brain Waves Mediation before you go to sleep while listing to the BWE. Very effective treatment and it's free. Can be use daily before you head out to work. By doing so you'll feel 100% ready to tackle anything at work since your mind will be super charged!

[chocoheart]

These addictions can be put to one side if you have picked anyone of them up. With a mind control effect chant if you say it daily. If your interested I'll post it here. Just have to tell which addiction you have picked-up though? I am a Psychic & Reiki Master I also heal with the mind and with my hands. But the chant is simple enough. Another way is to use BWE Theta Brain Waves Mediation before you go to sleep while listing to the BWE. Very effective treatment and it's free. Can be use daily before you head out to work. By doing so you'll feel 100% ready to tackle anything at work since your mind will be super charged!

 

oh! i didn't pick up any of these vices. i was more interested in reading about it for knowledge purpose.

[Hija77]

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

 

There are a million forums out there. I like the al-anon ones,

but there are many other good ones. I like this article...typos excluded. I'm sure you'll recognize your ex in the description of the addict's mind. Maybe not all of it, but enough to tell you what kind of person you were dealing with. He isn't a bad person. You don't have to hate him. He's just all kinds of messed up. Since you were smart enough to leave, you just need to stay gone and fix the garbage that relationship filled your head with. There are probably some sick patterns you've gotten used to. Addicts break you down so easily. They're just doing their thing while you split into pieces. You need to fix what made you think you deserved so little, and why you would possibly want it back.

[SubliminalSessions]

He isn't a bad person. You don't have to hate him. He's just all kinds of messed up. Since you were smart enough to leave, you just need to stay gone and fix the garbage that relationship filled your head with. There are probably some sick patterns you've gotten used to. Addicts break you down so easily. They're just doing their thing while you split into pieces. You need to fix what made you think you deserved so little, and why you would possibly want it back.

 

Well, I have to challenge the whole "all kinds of messed up" statement. I just don't know if you can say that off the bat. She said the guy is working, and he's down about his career because he's overworked.

 

I live in Colorado, and although I'm not an advocate nor avid pot smoker myself, I know people who's lives revolve around smoking a bowl daily. But, they live relatively normal lives on the surface, but their coping mechanisms are handicapped.

 

This is a societal issue. It's way bigger than we realize. There's a lot of functioning addicts out there, who are perfectly normal. It's the reason why these days, it's so hard to meet the right people out there. So many people are living their addiction. If it's not drugs, it's sex. If it's not sex, it's alcohol. If it's not alcohol, it's smoking. If it's not smoking, it's pot. If it's non of the above, it's religion...as we continue to see more and more in the news.

 

We are living in an era where people have lost so much faith, and there's so much woe and worry, people can't enjoy life anymore without something to stimulate it. The American Dream has eluded us.