Trying to be sneaky and find out what my unfaithful spouse isn't telling me.(Updated)

[Bittersweetie]

Yeah, I'm really pissed at her. I haven't told her that. Haven't given her a hard time. Want to be a gentleman. High road. But I feel so f'ing angry. Humiliated bc she did all this quite in public where all my friends and family could see. It was my oldest child who told me.

 

So yeah, pissed.

 

Jayhawks...

 

On our d-day, and in the aftermath, my BH did take the high road. However he made his anger, hurt, disappointment, disgust very clear to me. The two are not mutually exclusive. You have every right to let your feelings be known.

 

That being said, your situation does not bode well. I agree with the PP that no further information is needed...you need to extricate yourself and your children from this marriage immediately. Good luck.

[stillafool]

A while back I caught my wife having affairs with 3 different men for a very long time. I gave her a chance to explain herself, but I don't feel like she had come clean. I'd like to trick (?) her into revealing the truth if I can. I've thought about about making a fake email account and contacting her as her lover. I'm not quite sure how to do that effectively. If anybody has any ideas of how I can use that to get to the truth, or any other ideas that could work please offer me suggestions. I just gotta know the real story.

 

I've got news for you. There were more than 3 but you just know about 3. Why do men believe cheating women who blame it on the alcohol? Was that her first time drinking? Of course not. She can probably throw them back better than a man yet she blames alcohol for opening her legs to anyone.

 

Do yourself a favor and save the tricks for divorce court so you don't have to pay her. She will continue to have sex with as many men as her body craves and you will constantly be on the hunt. Why did you beat up those men? It isn't their fault your wife wanted them.

[Got it]

Jay, since you are looking for advice on how to try and dig through this mess, my recommendation is to find a good IC to help you through the process. Some people need to know all the details, others don't, it is very individualistic. And just because someone needs to know, unfortunately, doesn't mean they will be told. And that has a pathway of acceptance that has to come with it as well.

 

So a IC first to help you and look at your best interest and then if you decide that you want to consider reconciliation, a very good MC who specializes in infidelity.

 

I do second the recommendation to seek legal counsel to know your rights if you go in that direction.

 

Right now you need to take care of you and worry about your feelings now over your wife. Give yourself time and room to work through this and forgive yourself as you will do, say, and think things you never have before.

 

I do recommend going to surviving infidelity as well to help work through this process. They may be able to lend you support as well.

[Spectre]

That probably will happen. However she explained things in a way that makes it easy to forgive. She was drunk...she hated it...

 

Being drunk..why does that matter? You also realize she is probably lying when she tells you she hated it, right? If she hated it so much it would not of happened multiple times with multiple men.

 

she loved me the whole time, etc. I went to find the boyfriends (one of them was a serial rapist on parole...ew) and they told me something entirely different. Then I beat them all up. Bad. I feel like o took ally frustration put on them bc OM trying not to be angry with her. If what she is saying is true perhaps o can live with it. But none of her story adds up.

 

I say this to try to snap you out of this: your wife is skanky with a capital S. If what she is saying is true that is all the more reason to drop her. She "loved you the whole time" she was screwing other men? This woman doesn't love you at all. If she feels she was loving you while doing that she is a sicko. Drop her, if she loved you she wouldn't of cheated, period. Not only that, if she somehow did love you and cheat she would of confessed to you immediately instead of you having to find out.

 

You want to get the truth though? Demand to her that you will only forgive her if she takes a lie detector test. Now if she agree's to do so and you find out she is being truthful..you of course still dump her. It's just that if you tell her you are going to dump her anyways she won't give you the truth, so pretend like you're willing to fix things if she is honest and can prove it. Though people in love do not cheat, and they sure as heck do not do so numerous times with more then one person. So like I said, if you do the polygraph idea and she passes you still need to remember to divorce her. Though I understand you wanting closure and to know the details so I'm trying to help you get those.

 

But just think about this for a second, even if what she is saying is true, what kind of woman would tell the guy she cheated on that she "loved him the entire time"? Even if she believed it is true, saying it just sounds cruel. Plus remember, she is essentially saying that she was in love with you all whilst she was getting slammed by another dude. In other words, even as these guys were pumping away on her? She totally loved you. Isn't that sweet? No wait, it's sick, not sweet.

Edited January 7, 2015 by Spectre

[William]

Folks, for those who weren't suspended, I strongly suggest working the issue in a productive and respectful manner, or simply move on without comment. Thanks!

[bubbaganoosh]

Look friend. When your wife left the house to meet these guys, she was sober. When she met them, she was sober so she knew what she was doing so this "I was drunk" BS is a real bad excuse but not near as bad as the one where she says the phone company is wrong.

 

If you keep believing her, it's to her advantage because she now knows that she can keep plowing away with one guy after another, hand you some half ass excuse and your going to believe her then what was once her fault is now yours because you refused to see the writing on the wall and let it happen.

 

You know of three times she cheated, once is enough in my book and it's three that you know about. Honestly, you'll never get the truth and you better realize that soon.

 

You have a chance to unload her and move on and you better do it before it gets worse and the longer you stick around, the worse it will get.

[Spectre]

You have a chance to unload her and move on and you better do it before it gets worse and the longer you stick around, the worse it will get.

 

I get this, but the trouble is that sometimes it's easier to move on from something if you have all the information. So I still say he should tell her that he will forgive her if she takes a polygraph, though like I said even if she passes she needs to be divorced. I'm sure some will say "why lie" well, it is because cheaters tend to be selfish and if the woman knew there was no chance in saving the relationship she most likely wouldn't do the right thing by telling the truth just for the sake of being a decent human being who doesn't lie and betray.

 

That is the truly sad thing, he's going to essentially have to trick the woman he is married to into being honest with him, when honesty should be a given. You shouldn't have to constantly prod someone to get the truth, and you can tell how rare honesty is because whenever you see a cheater post here who does do the right thing and confess right away..they receive a lot of praise for being honest, when honesty should be something you just do, not something you deserve praise for. Sort of like remembering to put your seat belt on whenever you drive in a car, it should be automatic, but you don't deserve a pat on the back for doing it.

Edited January 8, 2015 by Spectre

[mikethemechanic]

You want the whole story? I'll give it to you;

 

She had sex with many men whenever you were out of sight and the opportunity offered itself. 3 of the men she cheated with detected her as a slut and agreed to be her affair partner so they could have sex with her more often.

 

Get tested for STDs and get a lawyer.

 

For every rat you see there 50 rats that you don't see.