Cheating before engagement

[Seekingsupport]

Hi all,

 

So I have been seeing my boyfriend for about 5 years. We have hit a rough patch a few times but always seem to

Work it out. I recently confessed to cheating on him 2 years ago (Felt guilty and knew he should know) and he forgave me. I promised to never do it again and felt horrible. However, the other week, I cheated again with an old friend. I have no emotional investment with this other person, and have not spoken to him at all since. I was feeling ****ty about my relationship because my boyfriend never wants to join me when I do things with my family and seems to just make excuses. I know that's not a good reason at all, but my parents were both making comments about his behavior and that I deserve better. Anyway, because I cheated I know, for a fact, I love my boyfriend with every inch of my soul. I want to marry him. But we will probably not be engaged any time soon. Part of me needed to let loose to see if my boyfriend really is the one for me, and now I know. I understand this is the 2nd time, which makes it even worse, but he has also done some very ****ty things to me. I guess I'm hoping someone out there understands my situation. Because I am

Not engaged, I don't believe it is the end-all-be-all because technically I am still single, but it is not the right thing to do.

 

Can I still marry this man? And maybe be courageous to tell him later in life? I know deep down if I didn't experience this I would always wonder, and I would never want to do this when engaged or married.

 

Please don't reply with hurtful things. But any advice would be great. Thank you.

[Friskyone4u]

You should tell him now for a few reasons. First, if you really care about him show him some respect by allowing him to make an informed decision. You say your cheating made you know he is for you. Does he get a vote in that decision??? If you do not tell him, and it comes out later it will be devastating and worse. And you will live the for years with this knowledge and guilt, and you do have guilt or you would not be on this forum.

The other issue you need to address is you mention he has done some ****ty things to you . It seems like you the react by sleeping with another man and feel justified because of his behavior. Well, you may be right he may be an ass to you, but if your reaction is to go bang someone else you won't be married long unless he becomes perfect and does not piss you off .

Cheating on him twice before you are even married is not a good sign that you will not do this again when you get bored or angry. I would not get married because until you figure out why you react like this your marriage will not last long.

Accept that YOU have some issues and fix them. That is not judging you.

[Diezel]

Hi all,

I recently confessed to cheating on him 2 years ago (Felt guilty and knew he should know) and he forgave me. I promised to never do it again and felt horrible. However, the other week, I cheated again with an old friend. I have no emotional investment with this other person, and have not spoken to him at all since. I was feeling ****ty about my relationship because my boyfriend never wants to join me when I do things with my family and seems to just make excuses. I know that's not a good reason at all, but my parents were both making comments about his behavior and that I deserve better.

 

You have somehow managed to pin cheating on him... on HIM. None of this says, "It's my fault, I need to accept responsibility, I need to learn from this, I might even need some counseling." All you managed to do was shift complete blame on your boyfriend.

 

And you want him to marry you?

 

You PROMISED him that you would never do it again. So why then break a promise? You lied to him! Not only that, but now you're mentally blaming HIM for it and even using comments your family used as shield to defend your actions.

 

Anyway, because I cheated I know, for a fact, I love my boyfriend with every inch of my soul. I want to marry him.

 

How does this even make sense? You love your boyfriend enough to cheat on him twice? You want to marry him when your family is saying you can do better? You cheat on him when things are "rough" and you blame him for it?

 

Be honest with yourself. What is "love" to you?

 

But we will probably not be engaged any time soon.

 

I hope not ever.

 

Part of me needed to let loose to see if my boyfriend really is the one for me, and now I know.

 

Part of me has always wondered what it would feel like to rob a bank, but I don't go out and do it just to see whether I'd like it or not.

 

I understand this is the 2nd time, which makes it even worse, but he has also done some very ****ty things to me.

 

Bad enough things to justify cheating on him? Twice? And once after you promised you wouldn't again?

 

I guess I'm hoping someone out there understands my situation.

 

I understand your situation. But you aren't going to see it that way.

 

Can I still marry this man? And maybe be courageous to tell him later in life? I know deep down if I didn't experience this I would always wonder, and I would never want to do this when engaged or married.

 

So cheating is okay, as long as you are not engaged or married? How is this even making sense in your mind? You want to tell him you cheated again AFTER you are married to him? To the guy your family APPARENTLY doesn't like and to the guy who does crappy enough things that you go out and cheat on him?

 

Please don't reply with hurtful things. But any advice would be great. Thank you.

 

Nothing anyone can say here, will be as hurtful as the damage you've done to your relationship and to yourself.

 

Want some advice:

 

Break up with this guy. Start being honest with yourself. Find some therapy, because you have some issues with not only reality but moral black/whites.

[No Limit]

Eh, no. I think you need some time alone instead of focusing on that poor guy who you tested for his "safety" to the point of multiple cheating. Besides, marrying isn't one-sided. He'd have to be a true fool to settle himself for someone who doesn't appreciate him. Whatever you might feel, it's not love.

[veggirl]

You cheated on him TWICE yet you love him with "every inch of your soul"???

 

ummm okay. I'd hate to see how you treat people you only "kinda like" or even dislike if that's the case!

 

how old are you? you are actually considering an engagement / marriage WITHOUT telling him what you did? so you want to start your life based on a lie? does that sound healthy to you?

 

are you sure you and your bf are even a good fit? you cheat and you say he does sh*tty things to you...what sh*tty things? maybe you should be evaluating if this is even the right relationship for you.

 

wtf are you talking about, you are technically single? did you and your bf agree to ONLY DATE EACH OTHER? so how are you single? you can't justify your cheating, sorry.

[PegNosePete]

because I cheated I know, for a fact, I love my boyfriend with every inch of my soul. I want to marry him. But we will probably not be engaged any time soon. Part of me needed to let loose to see if my boyfriend really is the one for me, and now I know.

What a load of carp. All the time you were having sex with someone else, you were thinking, "hey I'll just have sex with this guy to see if I really love my bf or not". Yeah right, pull the other one it's got bells on. Anyone who believes this ridiculous piece of retroactive justification, give them my details, I have a bridge to sell them. You cheated because you wanted to have sex with someone else and now you're trying to justify it by spouting all sorts of ridiculous nonsense.

 

Can I still marry this man?

You CAN do whatever you like. But SHOULD you? No. You have a terrible relationship. You should tell him what you have done. If you marry him and tell him (or he finds out) later, expect a divorce.

[d0nnivain]

The reasons you cheated are not good reasons to cheat. There is no excuse for cheating. However, they are fantastic reasons to break up.

 

 

You can profess to love your BF all you want but you aren't getting your needs met in this relationship & you never will. If he won't spend time with your family now, he won't do it as your husband either.

 

 

You want more then you are getting. Stop settling & move on. Do not marry this man.

[toscaroscura]

I think subconsciously you are cheating to find a way to pull the trigger on this relationship.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Anyway, because I cheated I know, for a fact, I love my boyfriend with every inch of my soul. I want to marry him. But we will probably not be engaged any time soon. Part of me needed to let loose to see if my boyfriend really is the one for me, and now I know. I understand this is the 2nd time, which makes it even worse, but he has also done some very ****ty things to me. I guess I'm hoping someone out there understands my situation. Because I am

Not engaged, I don't believe it is the end-all-be-all because technically I am still single, but it is not the right thing to do.

 

Can I still marry this man? And maybe be courageous to tell him later in life? I know deep down if I didn't experience this I would always wonder, and I would never want to do this when engaged or married.

 

When I got to the part in bold my heart just sank to the bottom of my stomach. That you're even considering marrying this man and then casually mentioning your cheating at some point later in life is...jesus I'm trying to think of an inoffensive word...um, deeply disconcerting, to say the least.

 

No, you cannot still marry this man. Not like this, not when you're being wholly dishonest with him. You cheated twice and now you know he's ~~ the one ~~. Okay fine. Does he now get two free hall passes so that he too has the luxury of coming to that same conclusion?

 

Honestly I think now that you've "seen what's out there" you realize he's the best you're going to do and don't want to let him go but with your mentality, how long will that feeling really last? How long until you hit another rough patch and decide to jump into bed with someone new? Because you seem thoroughly convinced that cheating is somehow the bet way to help you "realize" how much you love him?

 

Please, please, PLEASE don't do this. Frankly I'm of the opinion that you should set him free altogether but at the very least, be honest with him and let him make the decision on his own with all the facts laid out.

[evanescentworld]

I heard a really funny quote today ...

 

"My goodness, if they had 2 braincells they'd be dangerous!"

 

Well....It made me laugh.....

 

Anyway, OP, no, in your position, I'd end this relationship right now.

You are really one in a million, and the guy really doesn't deserve you.

[Seekingsupport]

I want to thank everyone for their responses, positive or otherwise.

 

I know what I did is very wrong. As much as I may sound heartless, I am not.

 

If you are going to say hurtful things about me, please refrain from posting. I know there may be points you are trying to make but please don't call me names or things like that. I am honestly seeking advice about what to do.

 

Thanks

[carhill]

Considering the factors shared, I'd suggest working your personal milieu in IC with a professional counselor, to better understand why you would be unfaithful to someone you appear to be committed to. With the results of that process in hand, proceed forward., using the tools learned and terminate it or continue it as applicable.

 

Additionally, should this proceed to engagement, I'd recommend PMC to augment your prior work and to make sure both partners are on the same page and ready for the legal commitment of marriage.

 

Opinion varies about disclosure. I'm an advocate of transparency and am also a fMM who was transparent about his affair. That stated, I can also understand the reasons why people are not transparent and, if that is your choice, counseling can help you more clearly understand your motivations and psyche and how those perspectives work in the mix of interpersonal relationships.

 

In essence, clarify and accept and then make decisions and move forward. The specifics are unknown at this moment. Things can go a universe of different ways. Good luck and welcome to LS

[evanescentworld]

You sound articulate, intelligent and conscious of your actions.

 

I believe many are surprised that you even need to ask about this situation.

 

Is it even possible that you might have a sociopathic issue.....? Because honestly? Your behaviour and comments do nothing to indicate that you either have any real remorse, or that you take the slightest responsibility and OWN your actions of cheating and lying.

 

Because that's what you have done.

You have lied, you have cheated and you have betrayed.

 

This is all on you, and your BF has no part in this.

 

You can find rhyme or reason for yourself, to justify your behaviour and label it as a result of his attitude - but in fact, if you felt that strongly, you should have approached and discussed these issues with him, not used them as a justification for screwing someone else.

 

You need to end your relationship with him, immediately, and admit to him - NOW - why both of you need to not be an item from this second forward.

Then investigate your propensity to adopt the attitude you have, through therapy.

[Gloria25]

I'm guessing your bf is the "nice guy" right?

 

Some people go out and get their "thrills" and keep on coming back to "o'l faithful".

 

I think you should leave this guy alone. He deserves better.

 

But, he needs to grow a pair. Him forgiving you the first time now has him as a "doormat" in your eyes and you're gonna keep on wiping your feet on that mat cuz it just lays there.

 

I bet ya he's gonna take you back even though you cheated a 2nd time.

[Diezel]

I am honestly seeking advice about what to do.

 

And we are honestly giving you advice on what to do.

 

Come clean or end the relationship. In fact, come clean AND end the relationship.

 

But I am afraid you want something else: You want someone to waltz in here and tell you that everything is going to be okay, all is forgiven because NOW you know you truly love him.

 

NOT TODAY.

[Seekingsupport]

To those of you who think I am putting this on him or blaming him, I am not at all. I made the decisions. I did the wrong thing, not him. And, to further clarify--I am not a sociopath, that is for sure. I am a ****ty person, though.

 

Please be gentle with your words. Thanks.

[evanescentworld]

No. We shall NOT be gentle with our words.

Why should we??

You lied to your BF. You took advantage of his trust, you promised him you would not cheat again, then did exactly that.

You were not gentle with his trust in you, and lied, and betrayed him.

 

Give us one good reason why on earth you deserve gentleness AFTER the event!

You have a brain between your ears! You are capable of logical thought and you should know the consequences of your actions.

I'm sorry, but in being so wanton and thoughtless, you now find yourself as a target for people being less than gentle with YOU.

 

Sadly, you need to suck it up.

[evanescentworld]

To those of you who think I am putting this on him or blaming him, I am not at all.

Doesn't sound that way.

It looks like justification, right here...

 

I was feeling ****ty about my relationship because my boyfriend never wants to join me when I do things with my family and seems to just make excuses. I know that's not a good reason at all, but my parents were both making comments about his behavior and that I deserve better.

 

I made the decisions. I did the wrong thing, not him. And, to further clarify--I am not a sociopath,

That's a shame in a way.... because it means that this...

 

I am a ****ty person, though.

 

....Is sadly an indictment of your character. As things stand, I have no doubt if you stay with your BF, it will happen again, and with just as much forethought and justification.

[regine_phalange]

Part of me needed to let loose to see if my boyfriend really is the one for me, and now I know. I understand this is the 2nd time, which makes it even worse, but he has also done some very ****ty things to me.

 

Please look again what you're saying here, just for a moment... Allow me to say that your method of making decisions is leaking. You really need to be direct with yourself if not with your boyfriend. Are you sure you love him and that you want marriage?

 

And what kind of ****ty things has he done? Give us some examples.

[evanescentworld]

Please look again what you're saying here, just for a moment... Allow me to say that your method of making decisions is leaking. You really need to be direct with yourself if not with your boyfriend. Are you sure you love him and that you want marriage?

 

^^ LIke ^^

 

And what kind of ****ty things has he done? Give us some examples.

.... Not that it gives any justification whatsoever for your actions, of course.....

[Diezel]

To those of you who think I am putting this on him or blaming him, I am not at all. I made the decisions. I did the wrong thing, not him.

 

Did you even read your very first post in this thread?

 

You rationalized every thing you did with "Well, he's crappy to me. Well my family says I could do better. Well, we were going through a rough patch."

 

You're not even saying that he is a wonderful man, so loving, so caring, not deserving of having this inflicted on him and THAT is how you know you love him and would marry him.

 

YOUR WORDS: Anyway, because I cheated I know, for a fact, I love my boyfriend with every inch of my soul.

 

Trust me, when I say that I, and all of us, are being VERY gentle with our words. Someone who loves, loves from a place of positivity, positive emotions and thoughts... NOT because they cheated.

[harrybrown]

You may want to cool things with your boyfriend for some time.

 

Go to counseling, really look at the things that you do to each other. If he is doing rotten things to you, you should see if there is any change.

 

Also, do not get engaged to him without telling him about your last situation.

 

If he did this to you, wouldn't you want to know? Do not bring children into the mix.

 

He does deserve to know and you should get tested to make sure you are clean. Then you could let him know this if he is still interested

 

Good luck.

[MissBee]

How old are you OP if you don't mind? You sound young but of course I don't know your age.

 

I don't think you're ready to marry ANYONE frankly. I have come close to cheating once and it was in a relationship where I told the guy I wasn't happy and thought we should end things and he insisted we try, and I agreed, but when I realized I almost came close to crossing the line, the next week I broke up with him. I knew I wasn't all in if I could be close to doing that. If I had cheated on him I'd have broken it off much less cheating twice...

 

You are either not that emotionally mature if you can cheat multiple times and claim love (I wasn't in love with the guy I almost cheated on and that was also part of why I ended things) OR the relationship isn't right for you but you're attached to him and thus keep staying but find it so easy to cheat multiple times.

 

I think you may need to confess this second cheating and end your relationship and then perhaps get some counseling or on your own try to figure out what you want from a relationship, especially one such as marriage and why cheating has been something you've resorted to twice and what would prevent this in the future. That's a key part for me. You felt bad the first time...still cheated again. You feel bad now...there is NO PROOF you won't do it again (and again) since feeling badly wasn't enough the first time, what's to stop it? I'm not sure if you understand your self and your motives, and if you're young, that's fine, it's best to learn and grow from your mistakes and then in the future marry someone else with whom you have a clean slate.

[Spectre]

Hi all,

 

So I have been seeing my boyfriend for about 5 years. We have hit a rough patch a few times but always seem to

Work it out. I recently confessed to cheating on him 2 years ago (Felt guilty and knew he should know)

 

If you felt so guilty why did you wait years to tell him?

 

However, the other week, I cheated again with an old friend. I have no emotional investment with this other person, and have not spoken to him at all since. I was feeling ****ty about my relationship because my boyfriend never wants to join me when I do things with my family and seems to just make excuses. I know that's not a good reason at all, but my parents were both making comments about his behavior and that I deserve better.

 

Are you like 15 years old or something?

 

Anyway, because I cheated I know, for a fact, I love my boyfriend with every inch of my soul.

 

Lady, you are insane. You don't know for a fact you love your boyfriend. Your cheating on him not once, but twice shows the EXACT opposite. You don't love him with every inch of your soul, you don't love him at all.

 

Part of me needed to let loose to see if my boyfriend really is the one for me, and now I know.

 

If you need another mans penis inside you in order to determine if your boyfriend is the one for you then..don't you see how that kinda makes YOU not the one for him? Why do you feel your boyfriend deserves to be with a skanky girl who repeatedly cheats on him? If you loved your boyfriend would you not agree he deserves way way better?

 

but he has also done some very ****ty things to me.

 

Then you dump him you don't cheat on him.

 

I guess I'm hoping someone out there understands my situation.

 

Oh I guarantee some will understand, but they will all be cheaters like you are.

 

Not engaged, I don't believe it is the end-all-be-all because technically I am still single, but it is not the right thing to do.

 

You typing out this sentence alone is enough to warrant your boyfriend dumping you and NEVER speaking to you again. I ask again: are you 15 years old? If not, how old are you? You can't grasp the notion that you are not single if you have a boyfriend? It doesn't matter if you are not engaged, you are NOT single, otherwise he is not your boyfriend. You get this, right?

 

Can I still marry this man? And maybe be courageous to tell him later in life?

 

Oh my lord..please leave your boyfriend. You might MAYBE tell him later in life? No, you tell him today.

 

I know deep down if I didn't experience this I would always wonder, and I would never want to do this when engaged or married.

 

If you would always wonder about screwing other men then you don't love your boyfriend and he is not the one for you. Stop being so selfish and out of touch reality. Tell him the truth so he can leave you and never speak to you again. All we can hope for is that you haven't done permanent emotional damage to this poor guy.

 

He gave you the greatest gift of all by forgiving your cheating self once, and you threw that gift down the toilet. To answer your question? No, you can't marry this man. In fact, you need to immediately tell him the truth and break up with him(if he doesn't dump you first).

 

The sad thing is I can already tell you won't do the right thing and confess to him about this in a timely manner. There is no way you will, not after writing silly things like "I was technically single" and "because I cheated I know I love him!". You'll wait a few years till you are married and have popped out a kid or two and then once you've trapped him you will confess.

Edited January 7, 2015 by Spectre

[Thicke2013]

Hi all,

 

So I have been seeing my boyfriend for about 5 years. We have hit a rough patch a few times but always seem to

Work it out. I recently confessed to cheating on him 2 years ago (Felt guilty and knew he should know) and he forgave me. I promised to never do it again and felt horrible. However, the other week, I cheated again with an old friend. I have no emotional investment with this other person, and have not spoken to him at all since. I was feeling ****ty about my relationship because my boyfriend never wants to join me when I do things with my family and seems to just make excuses. I know that's not a good reason at all, but my parents were both making comments about his behavior and that I deserve better. Anyway, because I cheated I know, for a fact, I love my boyfriend with every inch of my soul. I want to marry him. But we will probably not be engaged any time soon. Part of me needed to let loose to see if my boyfriend really is the one for me, and now I know. I understand this is the 2nd time, which makes it even worse, but he has also done some very ****ty things to me. I guess I'm hoping someone out there understands my situation. Because I am

Not engaged, I don't believe it is the end-all-be-all because technically I am still single, but it is not the right thing to do.

 

Can I still marry this man? And maybe be courageous to tell him later in life? I know deep down if I didn't experience this I would always wonder, and I would never want to do this when engaged or married.

 

Please don't reply with hurtful things. But any advice would be great. Thank you.

 

OP, I honestly feel bad for you. I feel equally as bad for your BF.

 

Why I feel bad for you....

You don't know what love really is. You don't have a clue honestly and I'm not sure if that comes from a messed up childhood which a lot of us have or if you were abused in some way in the past but your view of love is really messed up and couldn't be more inaccurate. Let's just think about it out loud for a moment because sometimes it helps things to sink in a bit if we say them out loud. Using your words, in order for you to know if you truly loved your bf or not, you had to sleep with someone else, while you were still together, without his knowledge. Would you be okay if he came to you and said "oh by the way, I slept with some random chick last night when I went out with my friends, but it's all good because while doing that I realized that I love you with all of my soul!" You see how the actions don't really fit the words? Also, you said you "recently" confessed to him about cheating 2 years ago. It was just recently that you confessed to this man that you say you love and want to marry and he forgave you. You show your gratitude in this noble act is to cheat AGAIN just a couple of weeks later? Talk about true remorse. You also said you are "technically" still single. If you are "technically" still single then why call it cheating? After all, single people can't cheat. You call it cheating because you know that's what it is. You try to minimize it by saying we aren't married or engaged so it's okay. Guess what, it's not.

 

Why I feel bad for him......

This guy, no matter what issues you two have had or have now, does not deserve this. You confessed to cheating, 2 years afterwards. He chose to see the good in you and forgive you and give you a second chance that you honestly didn't deserve because I'm assuming he loves you too. You repay him by cheating again. Can this get any worse? Yes it can. How? Because the woman he loves, who just confessed to cheating on him 2 years ago and begged for forgiveness and then cheated again, wants to keep this little secret until sometime down the road after they are married and the guilt gets too much to bear and she finally confesses for her own relief. His world will come crashing down around him. Everything he thought he knew and believed has suddenly became a lie.

 

OP, you say you love your bf and yet you want to crush his world? Sounds like a pretty sick form of love to me. As another poster said, I'd hate to see how you treat people you don't like. If you really love this man, confess again. Give him the choice to leave and find someone who will never hurt him, or to stay with you. Then if he chooses to stay, it's of his own will and he made that decision.