Cheating before engagement

[whichwayisup]

Hi all,

 

So I have been seeing my boyfriend for about 5 years. We have hit a rough patch a few times but always seem to

Work it out. I recently confessed to cheating on him 2 years ago (Felt guilty and knew he should know) and he forgave me. I promised to never do it again and felt horrible. However, the other week, I cheated again with an old friend. I have no emotional investment with this other person, and have not spoken to him at all since. I was feeling ****ty about my relationship because my boyfriend never wants to join me when I do things with my family and seems to just make excuses. I know that's not a good reason at all, but my parents were both making comments about his behavior and that I deserve better. Anyway, because I cheated I know, for a fact, I love my boyfriend with every inch of my soul. I want to marry him. But we will probably not be engaged any time soon. Part of me needed to let loose to see if my boyfriend really is the one for me, and now I know. I understand this is the 2nd time, which makes it even worse, but he has also done some very ****ty things to me. I guess I'm hoping someone out there understands my situation. Because I am

Not engaged, I don't believe it is the end-all-be-all because technically I am still single, but it is not the right thing to do.

 

Can I still marry this man? And maybe be courageous to tell him later in life? I know deep down if I didn't experience this I would always wonder, and I would never want to do this when engaged or married.

 

Please don't reply with hurtful things. But any advice would be great. Thank you.

 

Don't marry him. Respectfully, you're not ready to be committed to just one person. You look elsewhere when things get tough, you seem to not have boundaries set up with men, therefore cheating a second time knowing full well what is at risk.

 

You got your second chance, very doubtful he will give you a third chance.

 

Bolded, you are not single though you're acting like you are. If you truly were planning on marrying this guy one day your actions show otherwise.

 

Sorry if this hurts to read but the reality is you're not ready to be engaged or married.

[GoBlue]

As I read your post and thought about your situation, two primary issues need to be pointed out that are key issues as you move forward (in my mind anyway). One - you guys have been together for five years and still are not engaged. If you want to get married five years is more time than enough to determine if this is a marriage worthy relationship. Two - you have cheated on him twice. Most people who "love" someone "with every inch of their fiber" don't usually act that way. Infidelity, cheating, whatever you want to call it, rarely occurs within a relationship that is healthy and loving and on a firm foundation (not a judmental statement merely a fact).

 

Now let's look at a healthy marriage - it's built on the foundation of love with trust as a major corner-stone. Trust depends upon open and honest communication - love depends on mutual fidelity (commitment). To consider marriage for this relationship as it is would be a risky proposition at best. Have the two of you considered "pre-engagement" counseling? Yes, you read correctly. Many couples are going to see a counselor even before they get engaged. A professional family friendly counselor could really be a help to both of you as you move forward or even just for yourself individually.

 

I have no idea if the two of you should be together or if you shouldn't. The one thing I do know, however, is that serious issues that arise before marriage do not disappear after. Nor do they get better but usually only worse. Marriage is an honorable estate and one that should be entered into with the highest regard for its long-term success. Most people put more time into preparing for the wedding ceremony than they do for their marriage. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Javelin]

Seekingsupport,

 

While you did mention that your boyfriend hasn't been a saint, I'm going to disregard that comment, because this isn't about him - It's about you.

 

Let me start with this:

 

because I cheated I know, for a fact, I love my boyfriend with every inch of my soul. I want to marry him.

 

This is unacceptable.

 

In my honest opinion, you are not girlfriend material and you're definitely not ready for marriage. My advice would be to end the relationship, and work on becoming a better person. During your recovery process, you should consider counseling, because your outlook on what's acceptable is too far skewed. You need to learn what a healthy relationship is before starting over, because if you continue cheating, it will come back to you and you'll be on the receiving end one day.

 

In short, your boyfriend would be out of his mind to even CONSIDER proposing to you.

Edited January 7, 2015 by Javelin

[Spectre]

Let us face it..the fact the boyfriend did not kick her to the curb for cheating the first time shows he is already out of his mind. So actually, the OP might not have much to fear by telling. The dude has already let this girl get away with making him into a doormat once, I'm guessing he might not mind getting her shoe marks all over his back a second time.

[Chi townD]

Hi all,

 

So I have been seeing my boyfriend for about 5 years. We have hit a rough patch a few times but always seem to

Work it out. I recently confessed to cheating on him 2 years ago (Felt guilty and knew he should know) and he forgave me. I promised to never do it again and felt horrible. However, the other week, I cheated again with an old friend. I have no emotional investment with this other person, and have not spoken to him at all since. I was feeling ****ty about my relationship because my boyfriend never wants to join me when I do things with my family and seems to just make excuses. I know that's not a good reason at all, but my parents were both making comments about his behavior and that I deserve better. Anyway, because I cheated I know, for a fact, I love my boyfriend with every inch of my soul. I want to marry him. But we will probably not be engaged any time soon. Part of me needed to let loose to see if my boyfriend really is the one for me, and now I know. I understand this is the 2nd time, which makes it even worse, but he has also done some very ****ty things to me. I guess I'm hoping someone out there understands my situation. Because I am

Not engaged, I don't believe it is the end-all-be-all because technically I am still single, but it is not the right thing to do.

 

Can I still marry this man? And maybe be courageous to tell him later in life? I know deep down if I didn't experience this I would always wonder, and I would never want to do this when engaged or married.

 

Please don't reply with hurtful things. But any advice would be great. Thank you.

 

 

 

Uh huh... Yeah, I bet your parents don't have any idea about your cheating that would cause him to act this way and that it's him that deserves better.

[oldshirt]

The purpose of dating is it is an interview and probationary period where people do a variety of things together and get to know each other in order to determine if that is the person you want to marry and have a home and family with.

 

While dating by it's very nature is noncommittal and either party is able to terminate the relationship and walk away without legal recourse, as it is an interview and probationary period, part of that probationary period is to determine if either party is able to remain faithful in the presence of an exclusionary period (ie exclusive relationship, going steady etc etc).

 

There for there are a number issues at stake here -

 

- you've already been dating for 5 years without engagement or plans of marriage. Unless you were 15 years old when you started dating, that right there says neither of you are too serious about it and have reservations about the other being marriage material.

 

- if you were disenchanted enough with your BF that you rode some other guy, that kinda tells me he has flunked your interview and probationary period.

 

- the fact that you cheated twice very likely means that you have majorly flunked his interview and probationary period.

 

- if you push him into marriage without disclosure it will basically amount to fraud because he will be unaware of your true character and he will be unaware of the depths of your dissatisfaction with him.

 

You are only saying you "know now" because the other guy happened to be bad in bed and didn't make you a full time offer to be your BF (in other words you were a pump-and-dump and he wouldn't have you for a GF). The fact that things didn't work out with this other dude does not mean that you and your BF are compatible or healthy to be together.

 

This was a major flashing sign with fireworks going off that you are your BF are not good together. You are misinterpreting that you are good together and that he is the one. He only happens to be better in bed and comes back around the next day.

 

My recommendation is to make a clean and amicable break and get back on the dating market and find someone that is compatible.

 

If you make a clean break, I don't care if you tell him about the cheating or not. If you twist his arm towards marriage then you must disclose so he can make an informed decision.

[Spectre]

While dating by it's very nature is noncommittal and either party is able to terminate the relationship and walk away without legal recourse

 

This makes no sense. Dating isn't non-committal. Especially dating for years. Of course you can walk away without any legal recourse, but that doesn't mean there is no commitment. Unless by dating you mean going on a few dates with someone, but in this context the OP "dating" her boyfriend means being together for years. I'm sorry, but there is no way that is not a committed relationship, not unless they specifically had a discussion about not being committed. If you're calling a dude your boyfriend..that is commitment.

[oldshirt]

This makes no sense. Dating isn't non-committal. Especially dating for years. Of course you can walk away without any legal recourse, but that doesn't mean there is no commitment. Unless by dating you mean going on a few dates with someone, but in this context the OP "dating" her boyfriend means being together for years. I'm sorry, but there is no way that is not a committed relationship, not unless they specifically had a discussion about not being committed. If you're calling a dude your boyfriend..that is commitment.

 

 

 

Yes that is kind of a confusing statement and concept.

 

 

Dating by it's very nature is noncommittal. Neither party has any obligations to remain in the R and all it will take to end the R is to say, "I break with thee. I break with thee. I break with thee," and then walk away. At that point they have no further obligations and the other person has no legal recourse (unless there are shared properties, loans, leases or other financial instruments etc)

 

 

However dating is an interview and probationary period to determine if the other is someone that you wish to enter into marriage and raise a family with and part of that determination process should be to determine if they are able to be monogamous and faithful and be able to remain faithful in the face of various issues and in the face of other (and at times "better") opportunities to be with other people.

 

 

There for it is advisable to have some form of explicit "exclusive" agreement to see if both parties are willing and able to function in an exclusive relationship.

 

 

Both parties are still able to terminate the R or the exclusivity clause at any time but then you have your on if that person is "the one" or not.

[oldshirt]

Yes that is kind of a confusing statement and concept.

 

 

Dating by it's very nature is noncommittal. Neither party has any obligations to remain in the R and all it will take to end the R is to say, "I break with thee. I break with thee. I break with thee," and then walk away. At that point they have no further obligations and the other person has no legal recourse (unless there are shared properties, loans, leases or other financial instruments etc)

 

 

However dating is an interview and probationary period to determine if the other is someone that you wish to enter into marriage and raise a family with and part of that determination process should be to determine if they are able to be monogamous and faithful and be able to remain faithful in the face of various issues and in the face of other (and at times "better") opportunities to be with other people.

 

 

There for it is advisable to have some form of explicit "exclusive" agreement to see if both parties are willing and able to function in an exclusive relationship.

 

 

Both parties are still able to terminate the R or the exclusivity clause at any time but then you have your on if that person is "the one" or not.

 

 

 

It's very much like the interview and probationary period in employment.

 

 

during the interview both employer and candidate ask engage in questions and answers to determine if they may fit each others needs and either party can determine that there is not a match and can end the interview at any point without repercussion.

 

 

If an employment offer is made and accepted, then there is a probationary period where either party can still determine if it is a match or not and either party can terminate the employment agreement without prejudice at any time during the probationary period.

 

 

After the probationary period has ended both parties become obligated to abide by established standards of conduct and are obligated to follow a formal and legally biding process of terminating the contract.

[oldshirt]

as that all relates to this specific scenario is there was a prolonged probationary period indicating that one or both parties already had their doubts, thus extending the probationary period.

 

 

then the OP was becoming frustrated and dissatisfied with her BF leading her to violate the exclusive clause of their probationary period.

 

 

There for she has just cause to terminate the dating relationship on the grounds that she isn't being completely fulfilled and he is certainly within his rights to terminate the R on grounds of her violating the exclusivity agreement (in fact he would be dumb not to)

[jbrent890]

Tough situation in deed. As everyone else is saying, you sound very young. My first piece of advice to you is that is that you need to reevaluate your definition of monogamy. When you are in a monogamous relationship, you do not sleep with other people I don't care if your married or not. It honestly upsets me when people say that their cheating isn't that bad because they aren't married. It's a very bull crap way to not accept responsibility for their actions. I think you need to end things with your bf. Not to be mean, but you lack the maturity needed to maintain a monogamous relationship. You can't punish your bf by cheating on him everytime he does something you don't like. I think your kidding yourself if you think your behavior of cheating will stop once you get married. I recently read that it was found that the majority of WSs actually cheated on their partners before marriage as well, they just didn't get caught. Because of that, they carried that behavior into the marriage. This isn't a jab at you when I say that you need to seek therapy. As it stands, you have horrible coping skills. Again, you are essentially punishing your bf by cheating on him.

[Spectre]

Yes that is kind of a confusing statement and concept.

 

 

Dating by it's very nature is noncommittal. Neither party has any obligations to remain in the R and all it will take to end the R is to say, "I break with thee. I break with thee. I break with thee," and then walk away. At that point they have no further obligations and the other person has no legal recourse (unless there are shared properties, loans, leases or other financial instruments etc)

 

 

However dating is an interview and probationary period to determine if the other is someone that you wish to enter into marriage and raise a family with and part of that determination process should be to determine if they are able to be monogamous and faithful and be able to remain faithful in the face of various issues and in the face of other (and at times "better") opportunities to be with other people.

 

 

There for it is advisable to have some form of explicit "exclusive" agreement to see if both parties are willing and able to function in an exclusive relationship.

 

 

Both parties are still able to terminate the R or the exclusivity clause at any time but then you have your on if that person is "the one" or not.

 

Dating for years is not an interview, that is a committed relationship. There is no way it is not a committed relationship unless there was specifically a talk about that. You don't date someone for years and act like you are not committed. A person who tries to pull the "we aren't committed, we were just dating for years!" is quite shady with zero clue about how relationships function. If a person views dating someone for YEARS as a mere "interview" they are never going to get married, because that is all kinds of messed up. You might have a point if this was only a few dates, but years? Sorry, the cat is out of the bag by then, you don't get to hide behind the "well you never told me to NOT bang other dudes!" after it has been years. Just because a person can walk away from a relationship without needing to take legal action doesn't somehow mean there is no commitment, that makes no sense.

 

Also you say it's advisable to have an "exclusive" agreement. It's even more advisable that if you intend to bang other people you maybe speak up on that before you do it(especially if you have been with someone for years). If you are doing something you can't speak up to your partner about and admit to doing then you probably shouldn't be doing it..or you probably shouldn't be in a relationship to begin with because it would mean the person lacks even a basic understanding of how these things work.

 

The bottom line though is this girl was not single by any stretch of the imagination.

Edited January 8, 2015 by Spectre

[kendahke]

However, the other week, I cheated again with an old friend. I have no emotional investment with this other person, and have not spoken to him at all since. I was feeling ****ty about my relationship because my boyfriend never wants to join me when I do things with my family and seems to just make excuses.

 

wow, it doesn't take much, huh?

 

I know that's not a good reason at all, but my parents were both making comments about his behavior and that I deserve better.

 

I"m sure they meant to dump the guy before finding someone better... and better would be someone that had an emotional investment in you and you them.

 

Anyway, because I cheated I know, for a fact, I love my boyfriend with every inch of my soul. I want to marry him. But we will probably not be engaged any time soon. Part of me needed to let loose to see if my boyfriend really is the one for me, and now I know. I understand this is the 2nd time, which makes it even worse, but he has also done some very ****ty things to me. I guess I'm hoping someone out there understands my situation. Because I am

Not engaged, I don't believe it is the end-all-be-all because technically I am still single, but it is not the right thing to do.

 

when a person cheats more than one time, that speaks to a pattern of behavior, not making "mistakes" or "letting loose". You end your relationship FIRST--THEN let loose however you wish.

 

Can I still marry this man? And maybe be courageous to tell him later in life? I know deep down if I didn't experience this I would always wonder, and I would never want to do this when engaged or married.

 

Please don't reply with hurtful things. But any advice would be great. Thank you.

 

Chasing after what you can't have isn't the same as love. Of course he looks great now--you stand to lose him.

 

While you may not have been engaged, you knew you were in a committed relationship. Committed,exclusive relationships come with an understanding that neither of you would have sex with anyone else. If he did ****ty things to you in the past, you needed to address them and resolve them, not use them as future excuses for retaliation just because he won't go with you to your parent's house.

 

My ex cheated on me twice. One time I forgave. The second time, no. It's a habit, a pattern of behavior and I'm not going to subject myself to someone who holds such little esteem for me and my feelings.

 

And for the record, this isn't hurtful. All actions have consequences and there is no reason on earth why you should not face the consequences of your actions. I just do not get the mindset of cheaters and their overarching sense of entitlement to not face their consequences.

[kendahke]

One more thing to consider: you may think that you keeping your mouth shut is all that's required to keep pulling the wool over your boyfriend's eyes. But the guy you had sex with knows you had sex with him. All he needs to do is either open his mouth to someone who doesn't like you or contact your boyfriend directly and your deceit will once again be laid bare.

 

He could also be one of those who, if you went to him and begged him not to say anything, he would find a way to let the truth loose anyway.

 

Your best bet would be to tell your boyfriend what you did. It would be far better coming from you than from the guy you had sex with. It's one thing that you screwed another guy: it's quite another for your boyfriend to be humiliated by the man you screwed when you 1. should not have screwed anyone and 2. should have confessed what you did.

 

Lying by omission is destructive. Allowing your boyfriend to believe something that is not true is reprehensible in the extreme... and honey, telling you that truth isn't me being hurtful. I'm doing you a huge favor, as are most of us here.

[NJ123]

And now I know why I rarely ever post on this site anymore. It seems almost every thread has such evil behavior. You plan on telling him later on in life? Seriously wtf is wrong with you? Tell him now, so he can move on & be with someone that actually cares about him. You'll make some excuse of course saying "oh I care about him" but that's a bunch of bull****. You're lying to yourself. Tell him now, and let him decide instead of wasting years of his life.

[Seekingsupport]

Thank you for all of your advice.

 

Most of you have been asking what he has done. He cheated on me during the first year of our relationship 2-3 times with the same girl. Also, while we were both living in the same town, he moved back in with his brother at his house without even giving me a heads up, because he said he needed to "find a job." He did this to me two times, both without talking to me first. He seems to have many excuses for not spending time with my friends and family, while I am very close to all of his friends and am always spending time with his family. And no it isn't that he just won't "come to my parents house" as one reply said.

 

If you say I don't love him, you are wrong. I obviously don't expect you to believe me but I know how I feel.

 

Lastly, I am 24, and he is 29.

[NJ123]

Thank you for all of your advice.

 

Most of you have been asking what he has done. He cheated on me during the first year of our relationship 2-3 times with the same girl. Also, while we were both living in the same town, he moved back in with his brother at his house without even giving me a heads up, because he said he needed to "find a job." He did this to me two times, both without talking to me first. He seems to have many excuses for not spending time with my friends and family, while I am very close to all of his friends and am always spending time with his family. And no it isn't that he just won't "come to my parents house" as one reply said.

 

If you say I don't love him, you are wrong. I obviously don't expect you to believe me but I know how I feel.

 

Lastly, I am 24, and he is 29.

 

Hate to be harsh, but it sounds like you two deserve each other. Since both of you are cheaters. That's if you're even telling the truth that he cheated. But all I could say is good luck to you, but I just don't see how this relationship will last even if in your mind you think it will if both of you cheat on each other & continue to do so.

[Omei]

Hate to be harsh, but it sounds like you two deserve each other. Since both of you are cheaters. That's if you're even telling the truth that he cheated. But all I could say is good luck to you, but I just don't see how this relationship will last even if in your mind you think it will if both of you cheat on each other & continue to do so.

 

 

There is no truth in cheaters they warp reason in their favor or flat lie.

 

But if they both cheat I agree maybe they should be miserable together and spare any future innocents to their lack of being able to be honest people in relationships.

[Diezel]

I don't buy it. When you said "crappy things", you would have thrown out the cheating part IMMEDIATELY. You didn't.

 

I sense backpedaling.

 

Whatever. Both of you are perfect for each other. You are just as crappy as he is if the cheating is true.

[Spectre]

Thank you for all of your advice.

 

Most of you have been asking what he has done. He cheated on me during the first year of our relationship 2-3 times with the same girl. Also, while we were both living in the same town, he moved back in with his brother at his house without even giving me a heads up, because he said he needed to "find a job." He did this to me two times, both without talking to me first. He seems to have many excuses for not spending time with my friends and family, while I am very close to all of his friends and am always spending time with his family. And no it isn't that he just won't "come to my parents house" as one reply said.

 

If you say I don't love him, you are wrong. I obviously don't expect you to believe me but I know how I feel.

 

Lastly, I am 24, and he is 29.

 

You don't love him, stop saying it. You can say you know how you feel all you want, but we here know what you have DONE. Actions speak louder then words honey, and your actions speak volumes.

 

Also sorry, I don't believe a word you said about him cheating on you, not one bit. There is no way you'd of waited this long to bring up that information, which would of been important to the overall context of this situation, and sorry: I refuse to believe you would be naive enough to think that is a detail that should of been mentioned before.

 

If he truly did cheat then I guess he doesn't love you..just as much as you don't love him. So either way, leave him. Also, what did he say when you told him about your latest cheating? Since you DID tell him, right? You just said you loved him, so if that is true you will of told them. Next time you respond to this topic I expect to hear how you told him. If not, then stop spouting things like you love him, because you don't. So hey, you have the perfect chance to show people you DO love him.

[kendahke]

Thank you for all of your advice.

 

Most of you have been asking what he has done. He cheated on me during the first year of our relationship 2-3 times with the same girl. Also, while we were both living in the same town, he moved back in with his brother at his house without even giving me a heads up, because he said he needed to "find a job." He did this to me two times, both without talking to me first. He seems to have many excuses for not spending time with my friends and family, while I am very close to all of his friends and am always spending time with his family. And no it isn't that he just won't "come to my parents house" as one reply said.

 

If you say I don't love him, you are wrong. I obviously don't expect you to believe me but I know how I feel.

 

Lastly, I am 24, and he is 29.

 

This is all just some ratchet mess...

 

NOW he cheated on you... NOW he moved without telling you.

 

I'm with the others--I don't believe it for one minute. That would have been in the first paragraph of my first post if I was discussing the things someone did to me to justify my cheating--not him not wanting to come to my parent's house--if I were to lose my mind and dignity enough to engage in that behavior.

 

Nope. I really can't believe someone who traffics in deceit and manipulation.

Edited January 9, 2015 by kendahke