Can a person being emotional abused ever get to the point were they start retaliating

[rrb87]

Hope I'm posting this in the right place sorry if this is long and if it gets jumbled some I can't remember everything that has happened:

 

First off I'm married to a man will be 5 years in March. I am 27 years old he is 46 years old. We met when I was 15 but we didn't start dating til I was 18. He just kinda sucked me in I guess I lost my mom at 14 and I was just looking for anyone to be there for me and love me. He did take pictures of me in biker/ leather wear before I turned 18... Now to start I've made mistakes in this marriage too.

 

He has only worked 2 1/2 months at 2 different temp service jobs the whole time we been married. He has no drivers license either yet he has a car. And we'll he fixes cars under the table once in a while but not enough to make a steady income.

 

He has really weird sexual interests won't go into detail, we both live with my dad my dad pays his phone bill my dad is in his side on everything not mine...

 

I'm the kind of person that even before we got married I like to go out and do things.. Well things have gotten to the point I don't wanna be around here much at all he claims we don't cuddle or do nothing anymore but I can't bring myself to he smells sooo bad. He takes a bath once a day but don't brush his hair I've never seen him try to brush his teeth yet he claims he has...

 

Even when Im home he claims I don't wanna spend time I'm always in my room on my iPad which is true but he's always on the couch on his laptop or watching tv... No we don't sleep together I'm afraid to even ask him if I can go hang with a friend he always thinks I'm up to something and says I'm going to go do my own thing too oh don't call me if ur car breaks down...

 

Now me I am guilty of a affair in this relationship but these issues with us not spending time was going on before the affair of his jealousy. No family support plus me and him not spending time and him putting me down a lot led to a affair..

 

My mom died of cancer when I was 14 and he's even said i bet all the stress u put ur mom through as a child made your mom die.

 

I got Blaimed for the death of his friend who died in a auto crash he goes if u wouldn't have bugged me to stay the weekend I could have saved her it is ur fault.

 

If I do makeup or put on perfume he always comments saying ohhh look good for all your guy friends..

 

He's said stuff like he wants a divorce, said he's sick of my crap and calls me a psyco he says I'm not going to help you out anymore... Stuff like I hope your car breaks down on you.

 

This year he said it's sad I got u 5 presents and u just got me one and this is the way u act towards me..

 

If I even address any of his behavior he goes well he always thinks I'm trying to start something but it always ends with but your worst.. I've told him Ive caught him lying before he goes but your worst...

 

All of this I don't even hardly wanna even be around the house much at all I just need to vent sorry this is all jumbled... I'm not the best person far as organizing words.

 

And another thing can a person being emotional abused if this is any ever get to the point were they start retaliating on the abuser??

 

I don't know what to do we gone to a couple counselings here and there and addressed some of this behavior which he said he would change but never does..

[WonderWoman911]

Wow, he definitely is emotionally abusive. After a while, yes that can take a toll on you. Everything you mentioned in your post I can understand your frustration towards his behavior. This guy has NOTHING going for himself but yet has the nerve to treat you like you're not worth anything. I don't understand that at all! No job, your father is paying for his bills? He mentions that just because you want to smell nice,etc., that it has to be for your guy friends? Being as though he doesn't care about his hygiene doesn't mean you shouldn't either. He's throwing the simple fact that he bought you 5 presents for Christmas in your face,smh.... That is truly some whiny and childish behavior. In addition, with all of the emotional distress that he continuously gives you, those gifts don't mean anything at the end of the day. And blaming deaths on you is extremely cruel. Who does that?

 

 

I've never been married, so I can't tell you that you should leave him and so forth, but I will say that you don't deserve to get treated in this manner. And especially not to live the rest of your life like this. I'll be 26 next month so we're in the same age group.You should be enjoying your youthful life. You should be going out with your friends, having fun, etc. without getting any backlash.

[rrb87]

Wow, he definitely is emotionally abusive. After a while, yes that can take a toll on you. Everything you mentioned in your post I can understand your frustration towards his behavior. This guy has NOTHING going for himself but yet has the nerve to treat you like you're not worth anything. I don't understand that at all! No job, your father is paying for his bills? He mentions that just because you want to smell nice,etc., that it has to be for your guy friends? Being as though he doesn't care about his hygiene doesn't mean you shouldn't either. He's throwing the simple fact that he bought you 5 presents for Christmas in your face,smh.... That is truly some whiny and childish behavior. In addition, with all of the emotional distress that he continuously gives you, those gifts don't mean anything at the end of the day. And blaming deaths on you is extremely cruel. Who does that?

 

 

I've never been married, so I can't tell you that you should leave him and so forth, but I will say that you don't deserve to get treated in this manner. And especially not to live the rest of your life like this. I'll be 26 next month so we're in the same age group.You should be enjoying your youthful life. You should be going out with your friends, having fun, etc. without getting any backlash.

 

He's even said hanging with friends can be a form of adultery.. And with him not working at all the only time I get away away with him not talking to me is when I go to work.. I work third shift.. And yes sometimes I like staying at a friends house overnight and how things are here at home makes me just wanna go out and stay gone longer.. He said me and ur dad give u a inch u take a mile...which he means he lets me go out and sometimes I end up out a little later than I said I would be and its not purposely what happens is I'm having a good time and time gets away.. Or sometimes I tell him I'll be later than I thouught.. It's always lying to him it doesn't matter..

[WonderWoman911]

Yes, that is RIDICULOUS! Then with your father standing by his side, and you living with your father, you really don't have a say in anything, and you're a grown woman. Smh...In a sense it's like " Why don't they get married", it's a joke but you get what I'm saying.

[rrb87]

And what really gets him going is conflict.. If I accidently forget tomdo something or if I say what he don't wanna hear or whatever that really gets him going. And then what happens is I last right back out at him.. I'm the point I can't stand him even coming to look into my room.. All I can picture is a freak with weird fantasies.

 

And he had the nerve to tell me I take advantage of him and my dad.. Only thing I could see that Ive done to him was when he fixed my car was I didn't pay him for labor and here and there when he has money I ask him to help me with something..he's even said I even took u out to eat and this is the thanks I get u whining.

 

But when he mentioned I take advantage of my dad that made me mad!!! We both pay no rent here..and I would help my dad with that if he wasn't so far on his side.. But to say iiiii take advantage I at least pay my own phone bill I have 2 cars I pay my own insurance on one but the car me and my dad have both used he pays it and lots of times I'll buy my own dinners...

Edited January 7, 2015 by rrb87

[todreaminblue]

And what really gets him going is conflict.. If I accidently forget tomdo something or if I say what he don't wanna hear or whatever that really gets him going. And then what happens is I last right back out at him.. I'm the point I can't stand him even coming to look into my room.. All I can picture is a freak with weird fantasies.

 

I dont think you should wait around till you get to the point where you retaliate.....retaliation wont help you or him..it never pays to retaliate....now with bad behaviour....doesnt help anyone or anything reach resolution....reltailiation complicates emotions for both of you.....i think and feel that this isnt right with what you have said, no woman should have to stay around for...if you have already gone the counselling route then i think its time you start heading out on your own.....

 

 

i know you probably will go with the clothes on your back.....but do it.....separate from this man.....why did you marry him in the first place what attracted you to him?..neither him or you seem happy ...i would suggest counselling.......serious intensive counselling but it seems you have been there...how long was the counselling for and how many times did you go........deb

[Satu]

What on earth did you think you were doing when you married this beast?

 

Every day you spend with him is a day of your life you've thrown away.

 

Do whatever you have to do to get away from him.

[rrb87]

I dont think you should wait around till you get to the point where you retaliate.....retaliation wont help you or him..it never pays to retaliate....now with bad behaviour....doesnt help anyone or anything reach resolution....reltailiation complicates emotions for both of you.....i think and feel that this isnt right with what you have said, no woman should have to stay around for...if you have already gone the counselling route then i think its time you start heading out on your own.....

 

 

i know you probably will go with the clothes on your back.....but do it.....separate from this man.....why did you marry him in the first place what attracted you to him?..neither him or you seem happy ...i would suggest counselling.......serious intensive counselling but it seems you have been there...how long was the counselling for and how many times did you go........deb

 

We go to counseling to whome he wants. We have gone multiple different times but like say we go to a appointment go to one the next week sometimes it is 6 months before we go again.. And I feel he wants us to see who he wants us to he was soposed to make the appointments.. And yes it's to the point were I've been in this so long that I'm getting to the point to were I'm saying stuff right back at him..

 

In counseling he always says well u don't tell everything and honestly I tell them what I can remember at the moment when we go.

 

If I keep quiet around the house don't go no were or nothing most the time well sometimes he stays quiet.. He's said before in the past little girl should be seen but not heard.

 

Oh btw I work retail and Blits shopping I was working he was there shopping he got kicked out of the store for saying threats. Then when I get home it is my fault cause he said oh I bet u and ur guy friend was involved in me getting banned cause I didn't say nothing in that store.

[lizzygirl]

You have a situation that I can imagine would feel so impossible to overcome. This man basically preyed on you at an early age, conveniently enough right about the time you were emotionally weak and broken down when your mom passed. Add to that your own father seemingly against you too. How on earth does your father even begin to give his blessing to this man to be with you, let him live there and be a totally worthless human being in the process? Your father should have protected you FROM this idiot. Add to that the emotional abuse he has heaped upon you, magnifed about a million when you add in your age at the time and the horrible loss you had just suffered and no support, even betrayal from your own father. I do not know how you haven't lost your mind! I cannot even fathom the abuse you have suffered that you haven't even mentioned.

 

Bottom line, as blunt as it is but true: your dad and your husband are sick individuals and you need to sell everything you own, hide the money you get from it until you have a little nest egg, buy yourself a plane ticket and get as far away from them both as you possibly can and as soon as you can and never look back! If you are hoping either one of them will change, it won't happen. Know your worth, realize the manipulation, mind games, and abuse that has been done to you and get away! God bless you.

[rrb87]

Oh btw as I'm typing all this he comments tell your boyfriend you will talk to him later..

 

How would I plan to leave something like this when he is here mostly all of the time I am so scared. Should I start counseling for myself before I make the break out of here??

[lizzygirl]

Oh btw as I'm typing all this he comments tell your boyfriend you will talk to him later..

 

How would I plan to leave something like this when he is here mostly all of the time I am so scared. Should I start counseling for myself before I make the break out of here??

 

Interesting choice of words, "break out of here." You are scared because you have been preyed on by a sociopath obviously from the age of around 16 or so. The very fact that he took pictures of you, sexually suggestive, before 18 is sick enough. What he has done to you since then is beyond insane. And for your father to basically approve and defend him makes him worse IMO. These two are some very, very sick people, make no mistake about it.

 

What scares you the most? If it is all mental/emotional, you can overcome that and find the strength to get out of there. Just don't find another avenue as a quick get away that will lead down a road as bad as the situation you are already in. You have to find a place inside yourself, in your own mind, that makes you strong and keeps you going the right direction. You don't need anyone else's approval or blessing or belief in you...all you need is belief and approval of yourself. No one owns you and no one can control you if you make that choice.

 

Counseling for yourself, to empower and help you see what you are in the middle of, would be a wonderful idea. I can assure you he will never benefit from any himself. The only reason he ever went was just to "appear" to make an effort and more than anything, to find any shred of something to use against you in the process to beat you down more with. If you are afraid for your physical safety, get the law involved or ask your counselor for advice on ways to escape - maybe a home for women, etc.

 

The most important part is do healthy things. Stop letting others control you and beat you down. Make healthy choices, mentally and physically. You owe these two idiots nothing. Nothing. I grew up in abuse and for many years I chose easy outs, roads that lead to more abuse as an adult, degraded myself...it took me a while to realize that I had been conditioned to do that, that the abusive situation was what I sought out because at least it was what I was used to, it was familiar. I had to find strength in myself to know my worth and start making healthy choices and drawing boundaries.

[todreaminblue]

Oh btw as I'm typing all this he comments tell your boyfriend you will talk to him later..

 

How would I plan to leave something like this when he is here mostly all of the time I am so scared. Should I start counseling for myself before I make the break out of here??

 

this is a really good idea....surround yourself with a support network.......a counsellor..professional people who deal with abused and domestic violence survivors.....i refuse to say victim ...because you are not a victim.......you can change this......you might need a little help to do so..deb

[Satu]

Oh btw as I'm typing all this he comments tell your boyfriend you will talk to him later..

 

How would I plan to leave something like this when he is here mostly all of the time I am so scared. Should I start counseling for myself before I make the break out of here??

 

Just run as far and as fast as you can.

 

See if there are any organisations in your area who help domestic abuse victims and ask for help.

 

Do this as soon as you can.

Edited January 8, 2015 by Satu

[rrb87]

I have been offered a place to go they said I can move as slow as I want or as fast. But it is with a guy friend and his family. This could look bad me and this guy I know we wouldn't be sleeping together they said I could have my own room to sleep.. Me and him did do a few things together though.. It wasn't right but.. It's like I been looking for anyone to comfort me in my situation.. family is nice people though.. And we both know we can't sleep together specially sense I'm married it is a stable place to go but it could look bad but what choice do I have I have no family support system I work third so being in shelters would be hard..I would literally have no were else to go..

 

Oh in the past he has broke things of his then blamed it on me saying it was because I wasn't listening and I made him really angry..

 

On my way out the door to the store he called me a tampon butt.. And I didn't say nothing to him for him to call me that.

[rrb87]

My fears for not leaving yet: I'm tired of this I want out but what if I'm making a mistake, what if I'm the one being hard on him, maybe he wants me to listen to him cause the stuff I do is really not right, will I regret this later, once I'm out they said I can't come back so this is it.. I've thought what if I really am abusing him and I just am blind to it and I don't know it..what if I am crazy.

[Satu]

My fears for not leaving yet: I'm tired of this I want out but what if I'm making a mistake, what if I'm the one being hard on him, maybe he wants me to listen to him cause the stuff I do is really not right, will I regret this later, once I'm out they said I can't come back so this is it.. I've thought what if I really am abusing him and I just am blind to it and I don't know it..what if I am crazy.

 

He is Gaslighting you - trying to undermine your ability to think for yourself, and trust your own perceptions.

 

Trust your own judgment - don't let him mess with your head.

 

You are being abused.

[Satu]

Here's something to think about:

 

You may be in an emotionally abusive relationship if you partner exerts control through:

 

Calling you names, insulting you or continually criticizing you

Refusing to trust you and acting jealous or possessive

Trying to isolate you from family or friends

Monitoring where you go, who you call and who you spend time with

Demanding to know where you are every minute

Punishing you by withholding affection

Threatening to hurt you, the children, your family or your pets

Humiliating you in any way

Blaming you for the abuse

Gaslighting

Accusing you of cheating and being often jealous of your outside relationships

Serially cheating on you and then blaming you for his or her behavior

Cheating on you intentionally to hurt you and then threatening to cheat again

Cheating to prove that they are more desired, worthy, etc. than you are

Attempting to control your appearance: what you wear, how much/little makeup you wear, etc.

Telling you that you will never find anyone better, or that you are lucky to be with a person like them

[rrb87]

I am on a medication right now called buspirone. I have anxiety problems. I never had problems with anxiety until I was about 17 years old. Sometimes my mood will go from happy to not caring about nothing not wanting to do nothing or try to accomplish anything I need to do to get help and get out of here.. He has told me he thinks I will fall apart within 6 months of getting my own place.

 

Then claims I have it made here because I pay no rent. And saying God will punish me severely for disrespecting him and my father.

[Satu]

I am on a medication right now called buspirone. I have anxiety problems. I never had problems with anxiety until I was about 17 years old. Sometimes my mood will go from happy to not caring about nothing not wanting to do nothing or try to accomplish anything I need to do to get help and get out of here.. He has told me he thinks I will fall apart within 6 months of getting my own place.

 

Then claims I have it made here because I pay no rent. And saying God will punish me severely for disrespecting him and my father.

 

Its highly likely that you'll make good progress with your anxiety when you get away from these people.

 

You deserve so much more.

 

If I could teach out through the internet and give you a big hug, I would.

[lizzygirl]

My fears for not leaving yet: I'm tired of this I want out but what if I'm making a mistake, what if I'm the one being hard on him, maybe he wants me to listen to him cause the stuff I do is really not right, will I regret this later, once I'm out they said I can't come back so this is it.. I've thought what if I really am abusing him and I just am blind to it and I don't know it..what if I am crazy.

 

Um, you probably ARE crazy at this point! Who wouldn't be! There are some basics here, rules of thumb for life in general that apply to everyone with a conscience and any shred of human decency: no father should approve of a man his age ever being interested in his daughter, EVER! No husband should ever speak to his wife the way he has to you for any reason whatsoever. No man his age should ever be taking pictures of someone your age in that fashion. Last and most important - a father's and a husband's job is to protect you, love you, build you up, put your welfare before their own, take care of you, and never, ever hurt you, especially on purpose.

 

I don't doubt that you have done some wrong things, very desperate things during the course of all this. You have cheated on him, stayed out all night, etc. Ok, I agree, those things are wrong. But what you are doing is taking those things, in combination with the beat downs you have suffered from him and your dad, and beat yourself up some more until you have no strength left and now you are blaming yourself for everything as a result. So take responsibility for what you have caused but at the same time, see the sickness of those who have driven a young girl who lost her mother to this point of being so desperate that she reached out to the wrong places for some shred of love, validation or attention. Then forgive yourself, see them for what they are, and move on. Separate every action and stop throwing them all in the "I am the wrong, guilty, horrible person" basket as you have been conditioned to do.

 

Go stay with that friend. Who cares how it looks? As long as you can lay your head down at night and know you are being the person you should be, it does not matter how it looks. You answer to yourself and no one else. They will beat you down for it of course, but that is just more manipulation, selfishness and mind games. Get mean. Get angry. Self preservation. Your mom was gone too soon and you have not had anyone help you believe in yourself or help you see reality and what real love is. Real love is not selfish and cruel. These two men have given you nothing but abuse and pain. Why on earth do you care what they think? Their opinions are about as valuable as Ted Bundy's. Anyone who loves you would never tell you that you can never come back. A man who really loves you would never treat you that way no matter what you have done. A real father would always have his door open for you, protect you and even help you escape this animal you are married to.

 

Every abuser projects his own behavior onto you. Classic. Get online and educate yourself. The more guilt and reaction and passiveness he can evoke from you, the better he feels about his own insecurities and sickness. He is feeding off of your emotions and energy because he has none of his own. Your original post was asking if it was normal to retaliate. Abuse teaches you to deny your gut feelings and rely on that once source for approval and validation. Obviously it is very normal - something inside of you is trying to help you even when you do not know it, just like a wound that heals itself - your body, your mind and spirit will always give you clues and gut reactions if you listen. The way in which you handle it is up to you - obviously cheating is not ok, but that is for your own self respect, character and beliefs. Not him because he has lost that right and that level of devotion and respect from you. That part is normal. You have to start seeing everything for what it is instead of what you have been conditioned to believe. As I said earlier, do things healthy for you that make you feel good about yourself but not because they dictated it.

 

This is what helped me get past my abuse - I separated my behavior from them, as it related to me as a person and it made me realize I owed them nothing. On the contrary, I owed myself respect even if no one else wanted to give it to me....when you have this realization, life opens up and you realize that giving your abuser another thought, another mind control over you, is letting them win...and then they become distant, pitiful, pathetic, inconsequential, sad, wretched, tiny little unmanly, digusting, vile pieces of crap that they always were and you just couldn't see it before. And then you start becoming the woman you should have been the whole time.

[rrb87]

Here's something to think about:

 

You may be in an emotionally abusive relationship if you partner exerts control through:

 

Calling you names, insulting you or continually criticizing you

Refusing to trust you and acting jealous or possessive

Trying to isolate you from family or friends

Monitoring where you go, who you call and who you spend time with

Demanding to know where you are every minute

Punishing you by withholding affection

Threatening to hurt you, the children, your family or your pets

Humiliating you in any way

Blaming you for the abuse

Gaslighting

Accusing you of cheating and being often jealous of your outside relationships

Serially cheating on you and then blaming you for his or her behavior

Cheating on you intentionally to hurt you and then threatening to cheat again

Cheating to prove that they are more desired, worthy, etc. than you are

Attempting to control your appearance: what you wear, how much/little makeup you wear, etc.

Telling you that you will never find anyone better, or that you are lucky to be with a person like them

 

He has called me names not continually though but and it gets worst if I do something that he don't like for instance I wanna go outta the house for awhile alone.

He's been jealous and even before we were married and living together he used to call me I swear like every hour and if I didmt answer he got angry. Getting mad when I wanna go out.

 

Isolation he gets mad when I wanna go out with a friend or gets mad if I'm gone for say more than 3 hours or so. He's even made jokes saying he bets me and my girlfriend have gotten it on.. That's as far as I will say.. Family I used to text a male cousin daily and he used to joke around about it.. Basically thinking I wanted him...

 

He always wants to know we're im at if he checks up on me meaning taking a bike if he has to and if I'm not there I'm accused of lying. Or he will start asking my friends if what I am doing

 

Don't know if he really withholds effection but he's always in the living room on his computer or so and then wonders why I'm always in my room on my tablet and claiming we never spend time.

 

Threats yes he has made threats.. He threatened once to file a civil suit on me of Dafamation of character on me before.. And other threats as well as hurting family. Because he said they was filling my head with lies and I was lying to them so I could get there sympathy.

 

HaMulation he has made comments even on a online facebook local job group that I would never last in a factory and ran to him when 3 girls picked on me and that I can't handle my own battles.. He's called me messy Nessie wears a dressy.. Yes I've called him names back the more I've been in this situation.

 

I feel like he always blames me mostly every time I bring up stuff he asks me why I'm starting my crap and then if I say something he does I don't like he will go yea but ur worst.

 

Gas lighting I didn't notice that til it was mentioned here.

 

Cheating yes i have had a affair but I get blamed all the time even if I'm not having a affair so it doesn't really matter I'm always accused even before I had a affair..

 

Appearance.. If I put too much perfume or makeup he will go u gotta look good for ur guy friends..

 

Cheating I don't think he has that I know of other than having a bunch of pics of girl models from the Internet on his computer.

 

Oh he's always told he what guy would want a girl that burps and is mean like u are no gut would want you. If u leave u realize that u had it made with me.

[rrb87]

My dad is 72 years old the way he acts is like he isnfearful of him too and he's afraid to stand up for me my dad really sounds like a confused person in all this a person afraid to stand up.

 

Oh and on kicking me out for good my dad feels it's right because I had a affair and the church they go to says I need to be kicked out. And not aloud back. And unless the church tells my dad different he won't listen.. My husband shows the church his good side and thst I'm a bad person cause of all the mistakes I have made.

Edited January 8, 2015 by rrb87

[lizzygirl]

My fears for not leaving yet: I'm tired of this I want out but what if I'm making a mistake, what if I'm the one being hard on him, maybe he wants me to listen to him cause the stuff I do is really not right, will I regret this later, once I'm out they said I can't come back so this is it.. I've thought what if I really am abusing him and I just am blind to it and I don't know it..what if I am crazy.

 

Um, you probably ARE crazy at this point! Who wouldn't be! Every abuser tries to make you think that you are the crazy one, you are the one who made them do what they do. There are some basics here, rules of thumb for life in general that apply to everyone with a conscience and any shred of human decency: no father should approve of a man his age ever being interested in his daughter, EVER! No husband should ever speak to his wife the way he has to you for any reason whatsoever. No man his age should ever be taking pictures of someone your age in that fashion. Last and most important - a father's and a husband's job is to protect you, love you, build you up, put your welfare before their own, take care of you, and never, ever hurt you, especially on purpose.

 

I don't doubt that you have done some wrong things, very desperate things during the course of all this. You have cheated on him, stayed out all night, etc. Ok, I agree, those things are wrong. But what you are doing is taking those things, in combination with the beat downs you have suffered from him and your dad, and beat yourself up some more until you have no strength left and now you are blaming yourself for everything as a result. So take responsibility for what you have caused but at the same time, see the sickness of those who have driven a young girl who lost her mother to this point of being so desperate that she reached out to the wrong places for some shred of love, validation or attention. Then forgive yourself, see them for what they are, and move on. Separate every action and stop throwing them all in the "I am the wrong, guilty, horrible person" basket as you have been conditioned to do.

 

What is wrong with staying with a friend? Who cares how it looks? As long as you can lay your head down at night and know you are being the person you should be, it does not matter how it looks. You answer to yourself and no one else. They will beat you down for it of course, but that is just more manipulation, selfishness and mind games. Get mean. Get angry. Self preservation. Your mom was gone too soon and you have not had anyone help you believe in yourself or help you see reality and what real love is. Real love is not selfish and cruel. These two men have given you nothing but abuse and pain. Why on earth do you care what they think? Anyone who loves you would never tell you that you can never come back. A man who really loves you would never treat you that way no matter what you have done. A real father would always have his door open for you, protect you and even help you escape this animal you are married to.

 

Every abuser projects his own behavior onto you. Classic. Get online and educate yourself. The more guilt and reaction and passiveness he can evoke from you, the better he feels about his own insecurities and sickness. He is feeding off of your emotions and energy because he has none of his own. Your original post was asking if it was normal to retaliate. Abuse teaches you to deny your gut feelings and rely on that once source for approval and validation. Obviously it is very normal - something inside of you is trying to help you even when you do not know it, just like a wound that heals itself - your body, your mind and spirit will always give you clues and gut reactions if you listen. The way in which you handle it is up to you - obviously cheating is not ok, but that is for your own self respect, character and beliefs. Not him because he has lost that right and that level of devotion and respect from you. That part is normal. You have to start seeing everything for what it is instead of what you have been conditioned to believe. As I said earlier, do things healthy for you that make you feel good about yourself but not because they dictated it.

 

This is what helped me get past my abuse - I separated my behavior from them, as it related to me as a person and it made me realize I owed them nothing. On the contrary, I owed myself respect even if no one else wanted to give it to me....when you have this realization, life opens up and you realize that giving your abuser another thought, another mind control over you, is letting them win...and then they become distant, pitiful, pathetic, inconsequential, sad, wretched, tiny little unmanly, digusting, vile pieces of crap that they always were and you just couldn't see it before.

[Satu]

Um, you probably ARE crazy at this point! Who wouldn't be! There are some basics here, rules of thumb for life in general that apply to everyone with a conscience and any shred of human decency: no father should approve of a man his age ever being interested in his daughter, EVER! No husband should ever speak to his wife the way he has to you for any reason whatsoever. No man his age should ever be taking pictures of someone your age in that fashion. Last and most important - a father's and a husband's job is to protect you, love you, build you up, put your welfare before their own, take care of you, and never, ever hurt you, especially on purpose.

 

I don't doubt that you have done some wrong things, very desperate things during the course of all this. You have cheated on him, stayed out all night, etc. Ok, I agree, those things are wrong. But what you are doing is taking those things, in combination with the beat downs you have suffered from him and your dad, and beat yourself up some more until you have no strength left and now you are blaming yourself for everything as a result. So take responsibility for what you have caused but at the same time, see the sickness of those who have driven a young girl who lost her mother to this point of being so desperate that she reached out to the wrong places for some shred of love, validation or attention. Then forgive yourself, see them for what they are, and move on. Separate every action and stop throwing them all in the "I am the wrong, guilty, horrible person" basket as you have been conditioned to do.

 

Go stay with that friend. Who cares how it looks? As long as you can lay your head down at night and know you are being the person you should be, it does not matter how it looks. You answer to yourself and no one else. They will beat you down for it of course, but that is just more manipulation, selfishness and mind games. Get mean. Get angry. Self preservation. Your mom was gone too soon and you have not had anyone help you believe in yourself or help you see reality and what real love is. Real love is not selfish and cruel. These two men have given you nothing but abuse and pain. Why on earth do you care what they think? Their opinions are about as valuable as Ted Bundy's. Anyone who loves you would never tell you that you can never come back. A man who really loves you would never treat you that way no matter what you have done. A real father would always have his door open for you, protect you and even help you escape this animal you are married to.

 

Every abuser projects his own behavior onto you. Classic. Get online and educate yourself. The more guilt and reaction and passiveness he can evoke from you, the better he feels about his own insecurities and sickness. He is feeding off of your emotions and energy because he has none of his own. Your original post was asking if it was normal to retaliate. Abuse teaches you to deny your gut feelings and rely on that once source for approval and validation. Obviously it is very normal - something inside of you is trying to help you even when you do not know it, just like a wound that heals itself - your body, your mind and spirit will always give you clues and gut reactions if you listen. The way in which you handle it is up to you - obviously cheating is not ok, but that is for your own self respect, character and beliefs. Not him because he has lost that right and that level of devotion and respect from you. That part is normal. You have to start seeing everything for what it is instead of what you have been conditioned to believe. As I said earlier, do things healthy for you that make you feel good about yourself but not because they dictated it.

 

This is what helped me get past my abuse - I separated my behavior from them, as it related to me as a person and it made me realize I owed them nothing. On the contrary, I owed myself respect even if no one else wanted to give it to me....when you have this realization, life opens up and you realize that giving your abuser another thought, another mind control over you, is letting them win...and then they become distant, pitiful, pathetic, inconsequential, sad, wretched, tiny little unmanly, digusting, vile pieces of crap that they always were and you just couldn't see it before. And then you start becoming the woman you should have been the whole time.

 

This is so true, that you should keep coming back to it.

[rrb87]

And I do do this every time I come back from being gone from home I always find myself giving him looks and the I start talking about our relationship problems and then he gets angry at me.. I've even asked him if I couod just get a break at least a trial separation so I could gather myself for a few weeks to see what kind of person I am away from there and then he said once ur out just stay out.