I ruined everything and I hate myself for it

[saz123]

This is going to be a bit of a long post, please bear with me x

 

So my boyfriend of nearly 2 years broke up with me 2 days ago. He is 22 and I am only 19, I was his first girlfriend and first everything pretty much. I'm not coping at all well, but surely that's understandable. He just doesn't want a girlfriend anymore, I don't think he could cope with our relationship being full on.

 

When we were happy together, we really were happy. But when we fell out with each other, it was toxic. He'd blame it all on me, it would always be my fault. Half the time when we fell out it would be because I annoyed him in some way or did something he hated. I'm a very caring person and he's very robotic, no emotion, no nothing. I always thought he gave off some narcisism vibe. Only rarely would he show love towards me. He'd only really show love towards me when I wasn't being too in his face or clingy. He loves his own company, more than anything. And I know that's one thing I struggled with throughout our relationship. He also loved to hangout with his bestfriend until the early hours of the morning, most evenings. He even admitted that his bestfriend was the only person he really connects with.

 

He was my best friend and I want that part of my life back.

 

To let you into more of his behaviour and my behaviour I will tell you some stories.

 

1) I went on holiday last August to another country, for a week. I text him when I arrived at my hotel, no reply. I text him again a couple hours later, he replied saying "it costs a lot to text me so please don't". Blunt. I later that evening phoned him, but the dial tone from the country I was in wasn't the same as the one back home. It sounded like the call wasn't going through... but it was. I tried 30 times before getting a message from him saying "stop phoning me, you are really annoying me now". And that's when I panicked, I really did. I didn't know the calls were even going through!!!!! Anyway, he hated me from then on. Even when I tried to talk to him via wifi (which didn't cost either of us) he told me to leave him alone and then carried onto ignore me. So I left him alone. He picked me up from the airport on my return however, and was completely normal with me. Almost like it didn't happen. He told me "I missed you so much I'm so glad you're back home, stay with me at my house tomorrow". I politely said back to him thank you for picking me up and of course I'll come and stay but right now I want to go inside and go to bed, as I was really tired. He text me 20 minutes later saying "You didn't say goodbye to me the way you normally do I hope you're okay see you tomorrow I really do love you" bla bla bla. Nice text and a relief to read something like that after a week of hell.

 

2) Everything was dandy for a month or so after that, but bam I did something he hated again. This time he told me that he didn't want to see me as I needed to learn how to behave. He said by not seeing me and taking that away from me I will learn. I'm a very caring and sensitive person, and I like to look after people when they're not happy. Basically he wasn't happy about something, and I wanted to know what. So in his head I was probably nagging him to the extent that he wanted to get as far away from me as possible and wanted me to never do that again. So he told me he didn't want to see me so I'll learn. I felt like a toddler being told off for scribbling on the walls with crayons. He later apologised to me, via text. Telling me he didn't deserve me and that he wanted to take me out for dinner.

 

Ok so we go on further....

 

3) Everything was dandy again for a month or so. Until one day he was supposed to see me, but then text me to say he was at his bestfriends house and couldn't meet. Then ignored my text messages. I don't know what came over me but I was so angry I marched on up to his bestfriends house to see him. Normal. I often hung out with them too so I didn't see a huge problem. But obviously, I did something majorly wrong. He was angry with me for turning up there out of the blue. He told me he wanted to break up and didn't want to see me "for a while". I messaged him a couple days later asking to see him, but he didn't want to see me. However the next day that happened he invited me to his house, and we made up. He told me never to pull a stunt like that again or "that will be it".

 

4) A week later he broke up with me (1st time). Told me he didn't want to be with someone who was so needy. Fair enough, I wouldn't either. The next day we met up, I asked him if we could just have a break from each other, without breaking up. He agreed and said "you need space away from me, have a months break." 1 whole month are you mad. Anyway I agreed. He was giving me mixed messages after that and we met up the next day, I wasn't sure what was happening so I said to him "am I your girlfriend or not?" and he replied with "of course you're my girlfriend you idiot". What the hell... I thought you broke up with me? I just didn't understand.

 

I honestly think he did that to "teach me a lesson of how to behave".

 

Anyway everything after that was dandy, it was just normal. And normal was nice. Although I still got the vibes of him trying to mould me into the girlfriend he wanted me to be.

 

So this break-up...

 

4) We went to the cinema and everything was nice. Really nice. He was so nice. However we got back home, parked the car up and it suddenly cut out whilst he was trying to park. So we were stuck in the middle of the road and the car wouldn't start. Anything to do with his car he gets majorly annoyed. Anyway he walked me home and he was supposed to pop in and spend half an hour with me indoors but he said to me "I can't come in bub I have to go to my friends" so I said okay. He walked up the road and I decided I didn't want to go home, so I walked the opposite direction down my road (I just wanted a walk). He suddenly appeared and was walking home, he was shocked to see me. He said where are you going just go home. I said I was going for a walk. We both walked back down together, but I went towards the alley towards his house (he should of came with me) but he went off down the road. I thought he was joking as he said "see you then" and smiled. So I carried onto his road thinking I'd meet him at the other end and we'd laugh and say goodbye and I could go off into town for a walk. But he never came, I waited for an hour, like an idiot. I had to get my friend to come and pick me up in his car as I was freezing. He picked me up and we drove down the industrial carpark to turn around, and suddenly there was my now ex boyfriend. He was hiding from me in a pitch black carpark. Can someone please tell me: is that normal? He was ANGRY. I got out of the car and he said "who the **** is that? How dare you follow me".

 

And bam he broke up with me the next day telling me he's fed up and doesn't want a girlfriend anymore. He said he was annoyed that I ruined a great evening to the cinema and that I have ruined the relationship. He called me emotionally unstable and an annoyance. He said to me that we can still hangout, still be friends and that I can still text him. He also said that I need space, not him, me. That I can still go to the gym (where he works). Oh well thanks.

 

Maybe he's teaching me a lesson again... who knows. I feel so depressed about the situation and I feel like I literally have ruined everything.

Edited January 7, 2015 by saz123

[Light Breeze]

You're ex don't seem to be a good person or BF for that matter.

 

He's treating you like garbage and you're letting him do it. Please don't be a doormat and blame all of this happening on your head.

 

Relationships should be -among equals not master-servant. You've given up too much power to this guy and you seem to be unable to stand up to him. It's good that you've broken up because it seems he sees his bestfriend as his soulmate (really, he should just date him). As for you, based on what I've read, your not being clingy at all, just a normal girl who wants to spend time with her BF. You're better off finding someone who will treat you as an equal and would gladly spend time with you.

 

Stay strong and my advice unless he changes his attitude, you move on to someone better.

Edited January 7, 2015 by Light Breeze

[saz123]

You're ex don't seem to be a good person or BF for that matter.

 

He's treating you like garbage and you're letting him do it. Please don't be a doormat and blame all of this happening on your head.

 

Relationships should be -among equals not master-servant. You've given up too much power to this guy and you seem to be unable to stand up to him. It's good that you've broken up because it seems he sees his bestfriend as his soulmate (really, he should just date him). As for you, based on what I've read your not being clingy at all, just a normal girl who wants to spend time with her BF. You're better off finding someone who will treat you as an equal and would gladly spend time with you.

 

Stay strong and my advice unless he changes his attitude, you move on to someone better.

 

Thank you Light Breeze.

 

I've always believed that to be true, that to him I was coming off as clingy but to myself and others I was just a normal girlfriend who wanted to see her boyfriend and just generally cared about him.

 

He said to me that he thinks I'm better off with someone who isn't him, someone who cares like I care. He said "if I had to have a girlfriend I'd want someone who doesn't give a ****".

 

And as for his bestfriend, you're right there too. They might as well just date each other. Haha.

 

I will try to stay strong, it is really hard. Silence is the best policy for me right now, right? Part of me wants him back but part of me wants to be strong and not want that **** in my life.

[saz123]

Do you guys think he's "trying to teach me a lesson" again? I don't understand how he can go from being happy with me to breaking up with me. Unless he's truly had enough or something.

[Itspointless]

That guy has some serious problems in his head. He does not sound healthy at all! Please stay away from him, never ever accept such a treatment from anyone. Wow, reading you story makes me mad, and I do not get mad easily

 

He was right one time, he didn't deserve you.

[Light Breeze]

Thank you Light Breeze.

 

I've always believed that to be true, that to him I was coming off as clingy but to myself and others I was just a normal girlfriend who wanted to see her boyfriend and just generally cared about him.

 

He said to me that he thinks I'm better off with someone who isn't him, someone who cares like I care. He said "if I had to have a girlfriend I'd want someone who doesn't give a ****".

 

And as for his bestfriend, you're right there too. They might as well just date each other. Haha.

 

I will try to stay strong, it is really hard. Silence is the best policy for me right now, right? Part of me wants him back but part of me wants to be strong and not want that **** in my life.

 

Yup go NC, you know the drill.

 

Well, he's foolish enough to want a GF who doesn't care. Like I said he should date his bestfriend.

 

You deserve better than this. Stay strong!

 

As to your other question is he "trying to teach you a lesson"? My opinion? He's power tripping again to let you know who has the power in this relationship.

 

Ever since "the game" was invented guys your age do this sh*t all the time making themselves bad boys to be irresistible. Don't fall for it please. Again, find someone better for you.

[saz123]

That guy has some serious problems in his head. He does not sound healthy at all! Please stay away from him, never ever accept such a treatment from anyone. Wow, reading you story makes me mad, and I do not get mad easily

 

He was right one time, he didn't deserve you.

 

Thanks Itspointless

 

I chatted to a friend about it and she doesn't think he's ok either. But she thinks he'll come running back sooner or later.

 

Makes me mad too

[Itspointless]

Ever since "the game" was invented guys your age do this sh*t all the time making themselves bad boys to be irresistible. Don't fall for it please. Again, find someone better for you.

The game? To me as a guy in his thirties this just sounds dysfunctional and abusive.

Thanks Itspointless

 

I chatted to a friend about it and she doesn't think he's ok either. But she thinks he'll come running back sooner or later.

 

Makes me mad too

That is positive, use the strength in you anger to stay away from him. If he shows up you can tell him that you learned your lesson and made your choice to be alone.

[Light Breeze]

The game? To me as a guy in his thirties this just sounds dysfunctional and abusive..

 

Yup, me too. Stupid really. Just bunch of guys who like to control girls and sleep with as many of them as possible.

[saz123]

Yup, me too. Stupid really. Just bunch of guys who like to control girls and sleep with as many of them as possible.

 

Weirdly, I was his first. He was still a V when I met him. I just don't think he understands the concept of relationships.

[saz123]

Well, he's foolish enough to want a GF who doesn't care. Like I said he should date his bestfriend.

 

As to your other question is he "trying to teach you a lesson"? My opinion? He's power tripping again to let you know who has the power in this relationship.

 

Both of these definitely. Who in their right mind would want to be with someone who didn't care? ... Apart from me, because I've been with someone who cares on and off like a switch for nearly 2 years!!!

 

Ah.

 

And by power tripping, do you think that's a way of teaching me a lesson of how to behave? A leopard doesn't change it's spots. I know he loves to be in control.

 

Thanks Light Breeze x

[Light Breeze]

Weirdly, I was his first. He was still a V when I met him. I just don't think he understands the concept of relationships.

 

Then, that's his problem. When you leave I hope he realizes what he lost. Sad, really, a 22 year old who doesn't know how to treat a lady.

 

Anyhow, I think you can do really better than this guy. Good Luck!

[Light Breeze]

Both of these definitely. Who in their right mind would want to be with someone who didn't care? ... Apart from me, because I've been with someone who cares on and off like a switch for nearly 2 years!!!

 

Ah.

 

And by power tripping, do you think that's a way of teaching me a lesson of how to behave? A leopard doesn't change it's spots. I know he loves to be in control.

 

Thanks Light Breeze x

 

Yup, I think he likes controlling or "training you". Personally, I think his sick in the head. Leave him be and you dodge a bullet.

[Lugoj89]

My first boyfriend was like this. I thought I was doing normal girlfriend things but to him everything was a problem. He's looking for ever reason to find an out. You need to realize he's being a guy. He's 22 and his mind is all over the place. Give him what he wants. Don't contact him and let him know you aren't one to play these games with. You have a heart and emotions and you've been nothing but good to him. I was young and weak and the break up last 2 years before I said enough was enough. And now I can say I don't allow any man to make me feel like crap, or the crazy girl. You aren't the crazy girl he's the guy with the issues

[Itspointless]

And by power tripping, do you think that's a way of teaching me a lesson of how to behave?

Thinking you should teach someone is unhealthy and controlling. If he can't treat you as his equal -something he clearly is incapable of because he is twisted and probably also a dangerous individual - he does not deserve you.

 

Stay away from him, you are good as you are, although you might work on your confidence. You are worth someone who treats you much better than this fool.

[saz123]

Then, that's his problem. When you leave I hope he realizes what he lost. Sad, really, a 22 year old who doesn't know how to treat a lady.

 

Anyhow, I think you can do really better than this guy. Good Luck!

 

Light Breeze, sorry, one more question.

 

Do you think he really wants to break up or is he power tripping and playing games?

[d0nnivain]

Your BF is mean & controlling. The way he treats you is the way one training dogs. It's not appropriate or kind for people.

 

 

You are so desperate to be part of a couple you can't see it.

 

 

Let this break up be permanent. Take some time to heal & reflect. When you start a new healthy relationship, you will have a better understanding of how dysfunctional this was.

[Light Breeze]

Light Breeze, sorry, one more question.

 

Do you think he really wants to break up or is he power tripping and playing games?

 

IMO I think he's power tripping you and playing games. HOWEVER, the important thing is you DON'T play his game. Don't pine for this guy he knows he has control over you. I guarantee you if you stay with him not only will you hurt yourself, but you'll also lose your self-respect and self-esteem. Don't fall for his tricks. You are worth much more than that!

[saz123]

IMO I think he's power tripping you and playing games. HOWEVER, the important thing is you DON'T play his game. Don't pine for this guy he knows he has control over you. I guarantee you if you stay with him not only will you hurt yourself, but you'll also lose your self-respect and self-esteem. Don't fall for his tricks. You are worth much more than that!

 

I honestly thought that too, he's playing games "teaching me how to behave" as normal.

 

But this time it's serious. And you're right, he knows he's got control over me. I will lose my self respect if I fall back into the trap again and again. He did say to me "my mind is made, I don't want a girlfriend so don't try and change that". But when I said to him "you just don't deserve somebody like me" his face dropped into a sadface like and said "thanks for the insult".

 

Thank you Light Breeze.

[saz123]

My first boyfriend was like this. I thought I was doing normal girlfriend things but to him everything was a problem. He's looking for ever reason to find an out. You need to realize he's being a guy. He's 22 and his mind is all over the place. Give him what he wants. Don't contact him and let him know you aren't one to play these games with. You have a heart and emotions and you've been nothing but good to him. I was young and weak and the break up last 2 years before I said enough was enough. And now I can say I don't allow any man to make me feel like crap, or the crazy girl. You aren't the crazy girl he's the guy with the issues

 

Lugoj89 I definitely feel like the crazy girl, but that's because he's making me out to be one.

 

Everything is a damn problem to him!

 

"Players only love you when they're playing".

[Itspointless]

"Players only love you when they're playing".

saz123 I do not believe this guy is a player. He sounds mentally disturbed to me.

[saz123]

saz123 I do not believe this guy is a player. He sounds mentally disturbed to me.

 

Me too, Itspointless. My friends think the same.

 

Also that time he text me to say that he didn't deserve me, he earlier cried on me out of nowhere. Then in that same text he apologised for crying as it "isn't a manly thing to do" and he said "every 2 or so weeks per year I just want to be alone, nobody should be around me at that time". What the hell does that mean? This was like 5 months ago but still. He also said he likes to ride his bike round town at night and just sing really loudly.

[Itspointless]

Me too, Itspointless. My friends think the same.

Good.

Also that time he text me to say that he didn't deserve me, he earlier cried on me out of nowhere. Then in that same text he apologised for crying as it "isn't a manly thing to do" and he said "every 2 or so weeks per year I just want to be alone, nobody should be around me at that time". What the hell does that mean? This was like 5 months ago but still. He also said he likes to ride his bike round town at night and just sing really loudly.

I don't know, could be anything. It could be traumatic experiences where he has been beaten or belittled all the time, he also could be suffering from a PD. We cannot know with what you described and not being licensed psychologists ourselves.

 

But what matters to me is that he is taking it out on you. If he is aware of it she should seek help. What he does sounds like the prelude before physical abuse. His behaviour to you is inexcusable.

[saz123]

Good.

 

I don't know, could be anything. It could be traumatic experiences where he has been beaten or belittled all the time, he also could be suffering from a PD. We cannot know with what you described and not being licensed psychologists ourselves.

 

But what matters to me is that he is taking it out on you. If he is aware of it she should seek help. What he does sounds like the prelude before physical abuse. His behaviour to you is inexcusable.

 

His dog died years ago and that was traumatic for him. That was the only thing for "2 weeks a year" that made sense to me. I don't know. You're right we're not shrinks. But maybe a councillor would be good for him. I see one, only because of my confidence.

 

Funny you say about the prelude before physical abuse because he has grabbed me before, only by the arm though. And he said that he never wants to be in a situation where he's so angry he will hurt me. Yep alarm bells ringing now haha.

 

Inexcusable behaviour indeed x

[Itspointless]

I see one, only because of my confidence.

The therapy is a good step of yours!

Funny you say about the prelude before physical abuse because he has grabbed me before, only by the arm though. And he said that he never wants to be in a situation where he's so angry he will hurt me. Yep alarm bells ringing now haha.

 

Inexcusable behaviour indeed x

Just promis me to stay away from him.