I ruined everything and I hate myself for it

[saz123]

It's early days saz, dont beat yourself up too much.

 

Trust me, I know the feeling. It's hard, but guess what? I'm surviving it.

 

You can do this, and many will tell you when that feeling is gone, it'll be wonderful. Stay strong.

 

Thank you Light Breeze I just wish the feeling will go away quicker.

 

He'll realise what he's lost by the time I've moved on

 

Got to be strong. Got to keep telling myself that.

[saz123]

He text me out of the blue today saying...

 

"Bub I know we will be friends, always x"

 

Why is this guy so damn set on wanting to be my friend!

 

It's not an insult but why does he still want me in his life?

 

Also you will be glad to know I'm going on a weekend away next weekend with my girl friends

[dyna85]

I love when my intuition is right. People are so freaking predictable sometimes.

 

He's playing the hook, line, sinker game. Your duty at this point is to not fall for it, unless you want to get sucked back into the vortex of the push/pull torture chamber. He loves me, he loves me not. Actually, he doesn't love you, because if he did he wouldn't have treated you like garbage when he had the chance to be with you.

 

Let it flow. Don't fall back in...the trap is dangling.

 

Have fun with your gfs. You're doing good.

[saz123]

I love when my intuition is right. People are so freaking predictable sometimes.

 

He's playing the hook, line, sinker game. Your duty at this point is to not fall for it, unless you want to get sucked back into the vortex of the push/pull torture chamber. He loves me, he loves me not. Actually, he doesn't love you, because if he did he wouldn't have treated you like garbage when he had the chance to be with you.

 

Let it flow. Don't fall back in...the trap is dangling.

 

Have fun with your gfs. You're doing good.

 

He's so literally set on being friends. He said to me the other day also "All the other girls I've known in the past didn't want to know me after getting to know me, they all hate me, I don't want you to hate me".

 

Bla bla ****ing bla.

 

He wants me to not hate him just in case he wants me back one day. Isn't that right?

 

And exactly, if he really cared, he wouldn't of been such an arse.

[dyna85]

Yeah, all the other girls didn't want to know him after getting to know him. Hmm, wonder why. Because they're not as forgiving, tolerant, and caring as you. That's why he was extremely fortunate you were on his side for so long. Too bad he couldn't appreciate a good thing while he had it.

 

Ex lovers do not good friends make, unless you have a certain constitution for that kind of thing. Too many residual feelings. Especially now. I mean, you guys just broke up, so there's just no way that would work. That would be a disaster in the making, I can guarantee it.

[saz123]

Yeah, all the other girls didn't want to know him after getting to know him. Hmm, wonder why. Because they're not as forgiving, tolerant, and caring as you. That's why he was extremely fortunate you were on his side for so long. Too bad he couldn't appreciate a good thing while he had it.

 

Ex lovers do not good friends make, unless you have a certain constitution for that kind of thing. Too many residual feelings. Especially now. I mean, you guys just broke up, so there's just no way that would work. That would be a disaster in the making, I can guarantee it.

 

Yeah exactly, my friend literally just said the exact same as what you wrote. The other girls weren't as tolerant or caring. I doubt he will find another like me for a while, and if he does I hope he treats her with respect.

 

Anyway, I haven't replied to his message and I doubt I will to be honest. I have to cut all contact, NC is the only way I will get over this.

 

It's funny because I always had dreams of someone proposing to me, getting married, living together etc, and I never once could imagine him being that man. Never. Simply because I knew deep down he wasn't treating me the way I should be treated.

 

I'm so glad it's over, I just need to get my emotions intact and be the confident, independent girl I always was before meeting him.

 

Do you reckon he wants to stay friends because he wants to keep me on the side line just in case he changes his mind about the break-up?

[dyna85]

I never once could imagine him being that man. Never. Simply because I knew deep down he wasn't treating me the way I should be treated.

 

Yeah, that's definitely a woman's intuition right there.

 

Do you reckon he wants to stay friends because he wants to keep me on the side line just in case he changes his mind about the break-up?

 

Maybe, or just to make sure he still has you where he wants you -- under his control. I don't think it's a good idea, given the circumstances and background of your situation though, regardless of his reasoning. It seems like he's playing games out the wazoo. Didn't he just have you on hold the other week or so and was ignoring you and keeping you in limbo about the status of the relationship? Now he's texting you every day. There's just a significant disconnect there. Like, major hot and cold action going on, that makes him not trustworthy, as a friend or boyfriend.

[saz123]

Maybe, or just to make sure he still has you where he wants you -- under his control. I don't think it's a good idea, given the circumstances and background of your situation though, regardless of his reasoning. It seems like he's playing games out the wazoo. Didn't he just have you on hold the other week or so and was ignoring you and keeping you in limbo about the status of the relationship? Now he's texting you every day. There's just a significant disconnect there. Like, major hot and cold action going on, that makes him not trustworthy, as a friend or boyfriend.

 

Yeah he had me in limbo last week, and now it's officially done.

 

But now I'm receiving texts where he is calling me bub and he's saying I know we will always be friends.

 

I'm not his bub.

 

I have a feeling he thinks I'll come back to him after we've both had space. I just have a feeling. But I won't. I can't. Can't put myself through it again.

 

Trustworthy he definitely isn't. He lies through his teeth sometimes, only about small stupid things.

 

You're right and to be honest I wasn't sure what to believe when he was breaking up with me. You can't turn your feelings off that quickly. Which is why I have a feeling he'll come back, but if he does hopefully it's when I've officially moved onto better things.

Edited January 11, 2015 by saz123

[dyna85]

Yeah he had me in limbo last week, and now it's officially done.

 

But now I'm receiving texts where he is calling me bub and he's saying I know we will always be friends.

 

I'm not his bub.

 

I have a feeling he thinks I'll come back to him after we've both had space. I just have a feeling. But I won't. I can't. Can't put myself through it again.

 

Trustworthy he definitely isn't. He lies through his teeth sometimes, only about small stupid things.

 

You're right and to be honest I wasn't sure what to believe when he was breaking up with me. You can't turn your feelings off that quickly. Which is why I have a feeling he'll come back, but if he does hopefully it's when I've officially moved onto better things.

 

He's really fishing at this point with the bub comment. Secondly, always be friends is a stretch and it's wrong of him to make that assumption, particularly given how he's treated you.

 

He's definitely trying to keep connected with you and is playing with you, because he knows you're nice and he may expect you to fall for it, but it's good that you're holding your own and staying strong, because it is in your best interest to move on from him. It's not a matter of having feelings or not. You can't just erase feelings. However, feelings can't make a ship float. This ship has sunk. It's no more about trying to figure out his motives. It's about doing what's best for you. For your emotional well being. And that is to move on without him in your life.

 

That's my 2 cents.

[Itspointless]

Hi Saz, you have made so much progress in just so little days, wow! I am certain there will be times that it will not feel this great and you perhaps will question what has happened last week, that is only natural. Keep reading the excellent comments on here as there is so much positive energy in it. Remember you have made the only possible good choice here.

[saz123]

Hi Saz, you have made so much progress in just so little days, wow! I am certain there will be times that it will not feel this great and you perhaps will question what has happened last week, that is only natural. Keep reading the excellent comments on here as there is so much positive energy in it. Remember you have made the only possible good choice here.

 

Thanks so much x

 

I will keep reading through! At the moment I must say, I feel great.

[angelcake]

Just some thoughts I have had whilst reading this post:

 

If he tells little stupid lies, even for no reason but to lie, he's probably a manipulative, lying person. My ex-husband was like that. He would say he had a burger when it was actually pizza. I finally realized he wasn't capable of the truth, and could bold face lie like it was nothing.

 

I got the feeling your guy may be interested/already cheating with someone else. Thus the hot and cold with you. Asking you to report where you were that day, it made me think he may have been with someone else and didn't want to run into you. At first I was thinking a female, but maybe male (was he very very into anal, always choosing it over vaginal?)

 

He definitely gas lights you to make you appear to be the crazy one. He plays you like a fiddle.

 

Raise you head high and run run run! Don't be surprised if he totally flips out on you when he realizes you aren't coming back. He may be stalkerish at times. If so, stay completely no contact...do not ever REWARD him with attention, because then he feels like he has won. Block him and move on. You deserve better girl.

[saz123]

Guys as you have been so nice, kind and helpful and I appreciate your opinion! I have to ask you...........

 

This guy messaged me through Facebook yesterday (he is a mutual friend of my ex, but they're not friends, just acquaintances) and we got chatting and it was like we've known each other for ages. We had such a laugh. He gave me his number and he seems like a gentleman.

 

I'm not going to jump the gun at all.

 

But is it too soon to be meeting other boys? Do you think I'm ready?

 

Yikes!

[Light Breeze]

Everyone's different but If you ask me personally, I'd say you need to heal first before jumping back on the saddle. Maybe, you can be just friends or something. But, that's just me.

[saz123]

Everyone's different but If you ask me personally, I'd say you need to heal first before jumping back on the saddle. Maybe, you can be just friends or something. But, that's just me.

 

I agree Light Breeze, it's too soon.

 

But I am all for believing things happen for a reason.

 

X

[Light Breeze]

Yes, me too just take it slow, don't go in there with the specific purpose of going in a relationship. Get to know him as a friend and a person, beware of the red flags and don't let instant attraction fool you. Avoid rebound scenarios, it's really messy and might hurt you more.

[Itspointless]

Be very careful, as he is an acquaintance of your ex. You know it might even be asked by your ex to see if you take the bait, as it gives him an excuse to accuse you of cheating. Even if it is an coincidence, than it still might be an excuse at some point to your ex to accuse you of that.

 

Also be careful with jumping, many people do it - I always see a lot of woman do that - to suppress their emotions.

[Light Breeze]

Be very careful, as he is an acquaintance of your ex. You know it might even be asked by your ex to see if you take the bait, as it gives him an excuse to accuse you of cheating. Even if it is an coincidence, than it still might be an excuse at some point to your ex to accuse you of that.

 

Also be careful with jumping, many people do it - I always see a lot of woman do that - to suppress their emotions.

 

Damn! I didn't see that part. You're right her ex might use this new guy as bait. Knowing how manipulative and controlling her ex could be I wouldn't be surprised. Come to think of it, it's really fishy that this guy suddenly messages saz 1 day after her breakup. Hmm. Good thinking itspointless.

 

Saz, I take back what I said. I think it woul be better to distance yourself from your ex first and his acquaintances. At this point of your healing, protect yourself at all cost.

[hoping2heal]

This is going to be a bit of a long post, please bear with me x

 

So my boyfriend of nearly 2 years broke up with me 2 days ago. He is 22 and I am only 19, I was his first girlfriend and first everything pretty much. I'm not coping at all well, but surely that's understandable. He just doesn't want a girlfriend anymore, I don't think he could cope with our relationship being full on.

 

When we were happy together, we really were happy. But when we fell out with each other, it was toxic. He'd blame it all on me, it would always be my fault. Half the time when we fell out it would be because I annoyed him in some way or did something he hated. I'm a very caring person and he's very robotic, no emotion, no nothing. I always thought he gave off some narcisism vibe. Only rarely would he show love towards me. He'd only really show love towards me when I wasn't being too in his face or clingy. He loves his own company, more than anything. And I know that's one thing I struggled with throughout our relationship. He also loved to hangout with his bestfriend until the early hours of the morning, most evenings. He even admitted that his bestfriend was the only person he really connects with.

He was my best friend and I want that part of my life back.

 

He told you that the only person he really connects with is his best friend. How on earth does this make him your best friend? Not in the least because he identifies someone other than you as a best friend, but by stating the only person he connects with is his best friend, he is pointing out that he does not feel he connects much with you. How is that a best friend?

 

Is he on the spectrum? (Autism/Aspergers)

 

To let you into more of his behaviour and my behaviour I will tell you some stories.

 

1) I went on holiday last August to another country, for a week. I text him when I arrived at my hotel, no reply. I text him again a couple hours later, he replied saying "it costs a lot to text me so please don't". Blunt. I later that evening phoned him, but the dial tone from the country I was in wasn't the same as the one back home. It sounded like the call wasn't going through... but it was. I tried 30 times before getting a message from him saying "stop phoning me, you are really annoying me now". And that's when I panicked, I really did. I didn't know the calls were even going through!!!!! Anyway, he hated me from then on. Even when I tried to talk to him via wifi (which didn't cost either of us) he told me to leave him alone and then carried onto ignore me. So I left him alone. He picked me up from the airport on my return however, and was completely normal with me. Almost like it didn't happen. He told me "I missed you so much I'm so glad you're back home, stay with me at my house tomorrow". I politely said back to him thank you for picking me up and of course I'll come and stay but right now I want to go inside and go to bed, as I was really tired. He text me 20 minutes later saying "You didn't say goodbye to me the way you normally do I hope you're okay see you tomorrow I really do love you" bla bla bla. Nice text and a relief to read something like that after a week of hell.

 

I get calling a few times because you think your call is not going through, but 30 seems excessive if not frantic. While I can understand him telling you texting is costly (I guess?) I think the other comments on annoying him were not very nice. Though it's difficult because calling 30 times may make a person feel suffocated.

 

2) Everything was dandy for a month or so after that, but bam I did something he hated again. This time he told me that he didn't want to see me as I needed to learn how to behave. He said by not seeing me and taking that away from me I will learn. I'm a very caring and sensitive person, and I like to look after people when they're not happy. Basically he wasn't happy about something, and I wanted to know what. So in his head I was probably nagging him to the extent that he wanted to get as far away from me as possible and wanted me to never do that again. So he told me he didn't want to see me so I'll learn. I felt like a toddler being told off for scribbling on the walls with crayons. He later apologised to me, via text. Telling me he didn't deserve me and that he wanted to take me out for dinner.

 

Yes, that is pretty ridiculous. You're an adult. You're supposed to be his girlfriend, not his child. It is not up to him to "teach you how to behave". This is not respectful behavior and is downright condescending.

 

I will remind you again, your best friend? My dear girl, how poorly have you been treated by other people that you would think this treatment is acceptable or the actions of a best friend?

 

Ok so we go on further....

 

3) Everything was dandy again for a month or so. Until one day he was supposed to see me, but then text me to say he was at his bestfriends house and couldn't meet. Then ignored my text messages. I don't know what came over me but I was so angry I marched on up to his bestfriends house to see him. Normal. I often hung out with them too so I didn't see a huge problem. But obviously, I did something majorly wrong. He was angry with me for turning up there out of the blue. He told me he wanted to break up and didn't want to see me "for a while". I messaged him a couple days later asking to see him, but he didn't want to see me. However the next day that happened he invited me to his house, and we made up. He told me never to pull a stunt like that again or "that will be it".

 

Well, I'm not so sure your behavior was normal (your word, not mine). To be fair, although you have all spent time together this is his best friend and not yours. There are some boundary issues re-occuring with you. Not only did you invite yourself to someone else's home univited, the time he has with his best friend is between the two of them, not you.

 

On his end, again he speaks to you like you're a child.

 

4) A week later he broke up with me (1st time). Told me he didn't want to be with someone who was so needy. Fair enough, I wouldn't either. The next day we met up, I asked him if we could just have a break from each other, without breaking up. He agreed and said "you need space away from me, have a months break." 1 whole month are you mad. Anyway I agreed. He was giving me mixed messages after that and we met up the next day, I wasn't sure what was happening so I said to him "am I your girlfriend or not?" and he replied with "of course you're my girlfriend you idiot". What the hell... I thought you broke up with me? I just didn't understand.

 

I honestly think he did that to "teach me a lesson of how to behave".

 

Anyway everything after that was dandy, it was just normal. And normal was nice. Although I still got the vibes of him trying to mould me into the girlfriend he wanted me to be.

 

Some of your actions do touch on boundary issues. I can't quite understand the dynamic...in the sense of, I can't tell if you're growing neurotic and frantic in response to his push/pull and condescending treatment or you have boundary issues all on your own.

 

So this break-up...

 

4) We went to the cinema and everything was nice. Really nice. He was so nice. However we got back home, parked the car up and it suddenly cut out whilst he was trying to park. So we were stuck in the middle of the road and the car wouldn't start. Anything to do with his car he gets majorly annoyed. Anyway he walked me home and he was supposed to pop in and spend half an hour with me indoors but he said to me "I can't come in bub I have to go to my friends" so I said okay. He walked up the road and I decided I didn't want to go home, so I walked the opposite direction down my road (I just wanted a walk). He suddenly appeared and was walking home, he was shocked to see me. He said where are you going just go home. I said I was going for a walk. We both walked back down together, but I went towards the alley towards his house (he should of came with me) but he went off down the road. I thought he was joking as he said "see you then" and smiled. So I carried onto his road thinking I'd meet him at the other end and we'd laugh and say goodbye and I could go off into town for a walk. But he never came, I waited for an hour, like an idiot. I had to get my friend to come and pick me up in his car as I was freezing. He picked me up and we drove down the industrial carpark to turn around, and suddenly there was my now ex boyfriend. He was hiding from me in a pitch black carpark. Can someone please tell me: is that normal? He was ANGRY. I got out of the car and he said "who the **** is that? How dare you follow me".

 

Again with the boundary issues. I do not condone or like the way he treats you, but you are told he's going to his friends and just happen to take a walk that will run you right into him, then you read into what he's told you and decide to wait around for him, etc. This is the second time you've described your boyfriend making plans with someone other than you and you finding a way to interject yourself into the scenario.

 

 

And bam he broke up with me the next day telling me he's fed up and doesn't want a girlfriend anymore. He said he was annoyed that I ruined a great evening to the cinema and that I have ruined the relationship. He called me emotionally unstable and an annoyance. He said to me that we can still hangout, still be friends and that I can still text him. He also said that I need space, not him, me. That I can still go to the gym (where he works). Oh well thanks.

 

Maybe he's teaching me a lesson again... who knows. I feel so depressed about the situation and I feel like I literally have ruined everything.

 

Op, no one likes to feel like they are being crowded by their partner. Personal space is very important to most people and it isn't about a lack of care for their partner. Your behavior is almost obsessive at times and that really speaks to more going on than just loving your boyfriend or wanting to be near him. This is likely why he tells you he finds you to be emotionally unstable and annoyance; not exactly the nicest way to put it but I can see where he's coming from. Your behavior would feel suffocating. I'm not telling you this to kick you when you're down. Your boyfriend certainly plays his own role of problems in the relationship. It is important for your sake though that you examine your behavior and come to an understanding about why you behave as though you do. This will save you from repeating these actions in future relationships.

[saz123]

Yes, me too just take it slow, don't go in there with the specific purpose of going in a relationship. Get to know him as a friend and a person, beware of the red flags and don't let instant attraction fool you. Avoid rebound scenarios, it's really messy and might hurt you more.

 

Red flags and go in just as a friend. I've got this

[Itspointless]

Hi Saz, it is less tempting to do, but the things hoping2heal writes are important. For me goes the same, why did I fall in love with someone who was avoidant-dismissive? It added some things on the list I already had and made some things more clearer for me. Being human is sometimes complicated.

[saz123]

Told this new guy I'm not looking to date anyone new at the moment as things are too fresh, and we've agreed to hang as mates.

 

It sounds really odd but... I feel like my ex has now disappeared of the face of the Earth. Like he's just disappeared and he never existed.

 

Probably because Ive been chatting to friends and it's just all about me right now.

 

A huge part of me misses the happy/nice times and then there's a part of me that feels like it was all a dream. Is this normal?

[Itspointless]

Told this new guy I'm not looking to date anyone new at the moment as things are too fresh, and we've agreed to hang as mates.

 

It sounds really odd but... I feel like my ex has now disappeared of the face of the Earth. Like he's just disappeared and he never existed.

 

Probably because Ive been chatting to friends and it's just all about me right now.

 

A huge part of me misses the happy/nice times and then there's a part of me that feels like it was all a dream. Is this normal?

Well done!

 

Oh yes, you probably will feel every possible feeling the coming time. It is a big change to be alone again. Your brain has to adjust to this state, sometimes by ignoring and sometimes by feeling all sorts of feelings. Of-course you miss the nice times, you were with him for a reason. Unfortunately sometimes we get more than we asked for.

[saz123]

Well done!

 

Oh yes, you probably will feel every possible feeling the coming time. It is a big change to be alone again. Your brain has to adjust to this state, sometimes by ignoring and sometimes by feeling all sorts of feelings. Of-course you miss the nice times, you were with him for a reason. Unfortunately sometimes we get more than we asked for.

 

And at the end of the day Itspointless, we all deserve to be treated with respect as long as we treat others with respect too

 

I just want to enjoy the alone time, I did this eve so that's a start.

[MissLilly]

I read everything and I just wanted to say you are a very strong young lady! You deserve a guy who treats you so much better and believe me you will find him! keep working on yourself always!