I ruined everything and I hate myself for it

[saz123]

The therapy is a good step of yours!

 

Just promis me to stay away from him.

 

I'm seeing my councillor tomorrow so she can give me guidance.

 

I promise, Itspointless.

 

Thank you for all your kind comments - and thank you to everyone else.

 

X

[saz123]

I feel silly for adding onto my thread but I feel I need to add extra stuff x

 

Basically....................

 

 

We've established that:

• He isn't normal
  
• He is power tripping me to make me weak
  
• He is power tripping me to make him feel in control again
  
• He should date his bestfriend
  
• He doesn't know how to treat a lady
  
• He likes controlling or "training me"
  

But ... Our relationship status on Facebook still shows as "in a relationship" with each other. Which is why I think all these points above are true. Come on, if you really didn't want a girlfriend the first thing you would do would be remove all proof you of you having a girlfriend/wanting a girlfriend.

 

What is this guys game?

 

He told me he didn't want a girlfriend anymore. So why the hell is it still on Facebook and why did he ask me to text him. He has been on Facebook since the break-up.

 

I know you will all say don't look into it, don't question it. Just move on. I will, I will. I just want to know opinions on this matter. All the points above must be true.

 

Thanks again all of you x

[Itspointless]

He told me he didn't want a girlfriend anymore. So why the hell is it still on Facebook and why did he ask me to text him. He has been on Facebook since the break-up.

Feeling (or thinking) and needing are not the same things.

[seminoles84]

I feel silly for adding onto my thread but I feel I need to add extra stuff x

 

Basically....................

 

 

We've established that:

• He isn't normal
  
• He is power tripping me to make me weak
  
• He is power tripping me to make him feel in control again
  
• He should date his bestfriend
  
• He doesn't know how to treat a lady
  
• He likes controlling or "training me"
  

But ... Our relationship status on Facebook still shows as "in a relationship" with each other. Which is why I think all these points above are true. Come on, if you really didn't want a girlfriend the first thing you would do would be remove all proof you of you having a girlfriend/wanting a girlfriend.

 

What is this guys game?

 

He told me he didn't want a girlfriend anymore. So why the hell is it still on Facebook and why did he ask me to text him. He has been on Facebook since the break-up.

 

I know you will all say don't look into it, don't question it. Just move on. I will, I will. I just want to know opinions on this matter. All the points above must be true.

 

Thanks again all of you x

 

 

You should remove the status yourself. You are holding onto a unhealthy relationship. You should also delete him on social media and block his text. Why continue to allow someone to treat you this way? You are young, so go out there and meet new people and enjoy life! I made the same mistake of wasting time on a girl at your age and I honestly think it scared me to the point its hard for me to have normal relationships now. Please move on, you won't regret it. Also don't feel silly for talking this out. It's better you do it here than contacting him.

[saz123]

You should remove the status yourself. You are holding onto a unhealthy relationship. You should also delete him on social media and block his text. Why continue to allow someone to treat you this way? You are young, so go out there and meet new people and enjoy life! I made the same mistake of wasting time on a girl at your age and I honestly think it scared me to the point its hard for me to have normal relationships now. Please move on, you won't regret it. Also don't feel silly for talking this out. It's better you do it here than contacting him.

 

Thank you, and I know I know. But if he didn't want a girlfriend surely he'd just delete it himself. Wah I dont know.

 

 

And yeah I thought I'd vent on here rather than venting to friends or even worse... Him.

 

X

[saz123]

Feeling (or thinking) and needing are not the same things.

 

Itspointless what do you mean?

 

Surely if he "didn't want a girlfriend" anymore surely he'd just remove the status himself.

 

Is this game playing?

 

X

[Light Breeze]

I feel silly for adding onto my thread but I feel I need to add extra stuff x

 

Basically....................

 

 

We've established that:

• He isn't normal
  
• He is power tripping me to make me weak
  
• He is power tripping me to make him feel in control again
  
• He should date his bestfriend
  
• He doesn't know how to treat a lady
  
• He likes controlling or "training me"
  

But ... Our relationship status on Facebook still shows as "in a relationship" with each other. Which is why I think all these points above are true. Come on, if you really didn't want a girlfriend the first thing you would do would be remove all proof you of you having a girlfriend/wanting a girlfriend.

 

What is this guys game?

 

He told me he didn't want a girlfriend anymore. So why the hell is it still on Facebook and why did he ask me to text him. He has been on Facebook since the break-up.

 

I know you will all say don't look into it, don't question it. Just move on. I will, I will. I just want to know opinions on this matter. All the points above must be true.

 

Thanks again all of you x

 

Yup, remove the relationship status yourself so you won't think about it.

 

As to his motive? Well, we established that he isn't really normal so we could speculate but won't get a definitive answer but I'll try to give one. He may still be thinking about getting back with you, hence the FB status and the text. The guy just might be biding his time before he makes a move on you. Again though this is just speculation.

 

Now, you know what he might be thinking. The next step you need to do is block him, erase his number, etc. because it's time for you to move on. You're young and you seem like a caring girl, you'll have no difficulty in attracting a better catch. Good Luck!

[saz123]

Yup, remove the relationship status yourself so you won't think about it.

 

As to his motive? Well, we established that he isn't really normal so we could speculate but won't get a definitive answer but I'll try to give one. He may still be thinking about getting back with you, hence the FB status and the text. The guy just might be biding his time before he makes a move on you. Again though this is just speculation.

 

Now, you know what he might be thinking. The next step you need to do is block him, erase his number, etc. because it's time for you to move on. You're young and you seem like a caring girl, you'll have no difficulty in attracting a better catch. Good Luck!

 

Thank you Light Breeze you really are kind

 

I will do... We also established he doesn't like my caring nature. So whatever. His loss!!

[Itspointless]

Itspointless what do you mean?

 

Surely if he "didn't want a girlfriend" anymore surely he'd just remove the status himself.

 

Is this game playing?

 

X

What I meant is every human being has a innate drive to bond, that is what humans need. Our feelings and what we think can be influenced by many other things. If his intentions are control than of-course he does not want to end it, as he takes something out of it: which makes his need to bond dysfunctional. He can say otherwise, he can even think it, but that is a lie.

 

Having said the above, it is not important what he needs, what you need is and that definitely is not him.

[animalkindness]

You are not to blame at all, it takes two. the reason why you blame yourself is because your in the first stages of breakup and denial.

I went through the same thing, I thought I was all to blame, he said I did this, I did that, the guilt was all on me, and I beleived it. I was willing to be a doormat.

 

But truth is, You nor me is to blame, its lack of compassion or communication or realization from his part. He doesnt want to feel guilt or blame so he throws it on you. Someone who truly loves you will fight, they will climb mountains (in fact I did that very same thing but it wasnt reciprocated)

It took me months to realize I was not the problem. It was a horrible time because I truly loved this man. I cried waterfalls. Just know that nothing NOTHING is your fault, It takes two. If you did something "bad" its because of the way he treated you or making you feel that led you to do the things you do.

there is always a cause and effect. and if he is not willing to work on it or it out, then realize it truly is not your fault.

[saz123]

You are not to blame at all, it takes two. the reason why you blame yourself is because your in the first stages of breakup and denial.

I went through the same thing, I thought I was all to blame, he said I did this, I did that, the guilt was all on me, and I beleived it. I was willing to be a doormat.

 

But truth is, You nor me is to blame, its lack of compassion or communication or realization from his part. He doesnt want to feel guilt or blame so he throws it on you. Someone who truly loves you will fight, they will climb mountains (in fact I did that very same thing but it wasnt reciprocated)

It took me months to realize I was not the problem. It was a horrible time because I truly loved this man. I cried waterfalls. Just know that nothing NOTHING is your fault, It takes two. If you did something "bad" its because of the way he treated you or making you feel that led you to do the things you do.

there is always a cause and effect. and if he is not willing to work on it or it out, then realize it truly is not your fault.

 

You are right, definitely. My councillor said the same. It isn't my fault it's just him passing the blame onto me so he doesn't feel like sh*t.

 

Thank you for your comment it's nice to be able to hear your story as I can empathise with you.

 

At the moment I feel like its my fault, but with time I'm sure I will become stronger and not let people walk over me. It's just so recent that's why I'm upset.

X

[Itspointless]

You are right, definitely. My councillor said the same. It isn't my fault it's just him passing the blame onto me so he doesn't feel like sh*t.

Exactly, that is where he NEEDS you: to project his frustration and feelings of powerlessness. That isn't love, it is USING.

[saz123]

Ok so got an update guys and gals - sorry to be a bore but I have to vent on here!

 

 

I went to see my councillor and this is what was said:

• As for the whole walking off and hiding down a carpark for an hour whilst I waited for him to come home to his road - and then asking one of my male friends to pick me up to take me home - to drive down into the said carpark to turn around to see that he was hiding there and then to catch him out - my councillor said that he must have been really embarrassed. She said that I did the worlds most caring (and normal) thing to wait for him on his road. But she said take into consideration, put yourself in his shoes, imagine if I was hiding in that carpark and he came down there in a female friends car, I would not only feel embarrassed but pretty jealous at the same time. She thinks he would of been concerned about what my male friend was thinking. And it's definitely a macho/ego thing, she said he probably just wanted to run away and cry. To be fair, I would too.
  
• She thinks that his way of dealing with the "overwhelming" situation was to break-up with me, as that's his way of pushing me away.
  
• She will be surprised if he doesn't come back to me, she thinks he is still holding onto hope that things will eventually rekindle (the Facebook relationship status). She is unsure as to why he'd still want that there, if he didn't want me.
  
• She thinks he gets overwhelmed by my caring nature (she said there isn't anything wrong with my caring nature). As I have told her things about him personally, she doesn't think he has been cared for much throughout his life, he isn't used to someone who truly cares about him. And he is unsure as to how to react to something like that.
  
• She thinks he needs space. Time to himself to restore.
  
• She thinks I am handling the situation the best I can, NC and giving the space. She thinks I also need space to gain back my control.
  
• She said if he does come back, that I need to react to him in a way that shows that I won't be walked over, that I am independent and that I'm confident.
  
• Update: I told her about something else he said to me that night, he said "I hope your parents don't hate me for any of this". Why would he care what my parents thought if he never had to see them again if he didn't want a girlfriend, if he didn't want me. My councillor thinks he said this because he is hoping he will get to see them again.
  
• She said that I should go to the gym, whether he is there or not. If he is there say hello with a smile, to show him I'm confident and that I'm fine without him.
  
• She also said a few points we've all realised here too, so we can't be that wrong!
  
• She told me to most importantly, look after myself
  

[Light Breeze]

That's great that you're asking professional help Good for you!. I hope your ex gets help too.

Edited January 8, 2015 by Light Breeze

[Itspointless]

• Update: I told her about something else he said to me that night, he said "I hope your parents don't hate me for any of this". Why would he care what my parents thought if he never had to see them again if he didn't want a girlfriend, if he didn't want me. My councillor thinks he said this because he is hoping he will get to see them again.
  

He probably has been belittled a lot by caretakers, therefore positive recognition is very important to him.

 

Another positive thing is that he has a clue that he has been in the wrong. So yeah I agree with Light Breeze and hope (I doubt it though) that he also is getting some therapeutic help.

[saz123]

Thank you Light Breeze and Itspointless you've helped me so much and I appreciate that.

 

I hope he gets help too but whatever, got to think about myself first

[saz123]

Ok so another update! Really sorry I just can't keep this to myself.

 

I bumped into his mum this evening and we chatted for 10 minutes. The usual how are you chat. She's so lovely.

 

Anyway I said to her "How is ......" (My ex) and she said he's fine and that he was at work today so she hadn't seen him. Then we got on to the topic of his car breaking down (that night him and I went to the cinema and the incident occurred) and she asked me how the cinema was. Then I said "he gets very annoyed when his car doesn't work, doesn't he? and she said he does, he gets annoyed over the little things. And I said "Yeah I annoy him quite a lot, according to him anyway! And she said, oh ignore him he's like that. I went onto say that I hadn't really seen him all week, and I asked He likes his own space doesn't he? And she agreed and said he can be an awkward, odd man sometimes.

 

Anyway.... My point is (and I probably haven't portrayed this in how I've written it this post out) that she gave me no vibe of her knowing about this break-up. Literally none. 0. Surely you'd tell your mum, right? Believe me I know when people aren't being truthful, or know something you know but are trying to hide their knowledge of it. I've dated a man of those traits for nearly 2 years.

 

All these things are adding up, he hasn't removed it off of Facebook, he doesn't want my parents to hate him, he hasn't told his parents.

 

Power tripping AND training me.

 

Time to stay away.

[saz123]

I bumped into him whilst walking into town.

 

He looked happy to see me, but was in a rush. As I haven't been given a solid answer and the Facebook status is still there, so I said to him "Have we broken up or is this a break?" I want to have a solid answer, this isn't fair anymore, I feel left in the dark. Anyway so he replied with "Look, I don't know. Arent we having a break? I just don't want a girlfriend". What kind of reply is that!!!!

 

Anyway he has just text me now to say "I'm so sorry you caught me at the wrong time. I'm so busy today and I probably won't be free until Sunday x".

[Light Breeze]

I bumped into him whilst walking into town.

 

He looked happy to see me, but was in a rush. As I haven't been given a solid answer and the Facebook status is still there, so I said to him "Have we broken up or is this a break?" I want to have a solid answer, this isn't fair anymore, I feel left in the dark. Anyway so he replied with "Look, I don't know. Arent we having a break? I just don't want a girlfriend". What kind of reply is that!!!!

 

Anyway he has just text me now to say "I'm so sorry you caught me at the wrong time. I'm so busy today and I probably won't be free until Sunday x".

 

Hey saz,

 

Why'd you ask him if you were broken up. I think he made himself pretty clear that he doesn't want a GF.

 

Are you planning on getting back with him?

[saz123]

Hey saz,

 

Why'd you ask him if you were broken up. I think he made himself pretty clear that he doesn't want a GF.

 

Are you planning on getting back with him?

 

Light Breeze he's giving me mixed signals. I just want a definite answer and I feel really sad. I know people would judge me for getting back together with him, but I'm just so confused.

 

I don't understand why he'd mention Sunday being his free day. I mean yet again I haven't spoken to the guy yet he's still in control of our situation.

 

I know it sounds petty but the Facebook status too, I know I can remove it myself. But he can too, if he really doesn't want a girlfriend.

 

Part of me wants him to come back so I can turn around and say no actually I'm fine, I'm better off without.

 

I don't like mixed signals. Yeah he said he doesn't want a girlfriend but he also said "I don't know if we have broken up, aren't we having a break?"

[Itspointless]

saz123 It is time he notices that there are boundaries to how you can treat people. You don't need an answer from him, give him your answer that you will go your own way.

 

You are still attached to him, it takes a while to detox.

[saz123]

saz123 It is time he notices that there are boundaries to how you can treat people. You don't need an answer from him, give him your answer that you will go your own way.

 

You are still attached to him, it takes a while to detox.

 

Itspointless, I need the biggest detox ever!

 

He's contradicting himself all the time. Boring. I suppose I just have to breathe and say, no wait I'm better than this.

 

It's just actually doing what I know I should be doing - that's the hard part!

 

X

[Itspointless]

Yes it is hard! (believe me, I know)

[Light Breeze]

Light Breeze he's giving me mixed signals. I just want a definite answer and I feel really sad. I know people would judge me for getting back together with him, but I'm just so confused.

 

Nope, you already got your definitive answer if he wanted to be with you he will. He's just dangling a bait to you so that by the time he wants to come back he can.

 

I don't understand why he'd mention Sunday being his free day. I mean yet again I haven't spoken to the guy yet he's still in control of our situation.

 

He probably doesn't know that he blurted that out. Guys are flippant that way.

 

I know it sounds petty but the Facebook status too, I know I can remove it myself. But he can too, if he really doesn't want a girlfriend.

 

Please stop overanalyzing this, if it really bothers you you can take it down yourself. If he's playing games, then stop playing into his hand. You should take back control over yourself.

 

Part of me wants him to come back so I can turn around and say no actually I'm fine, I'm better off without.

 

No, don't start playing mind games. Let it go.

 

I don't like mixed signals. Yeah he said he doesn't want a girlfriend but he also said "I don't know if we have broken up, aren't we having a break?"

 

Why do you want him back? If you reconcile nothings's gonna change, he doesn't know his problem so he'll be unable to fix it. You deserve so much better than him.

[saz123]

You guys wait until you hear this.

 

I was on my way home earlier from shopping, and my phone rings, it's him.

 

So I answered... And he goes "Where are you?" ... I said I was on my way home from shopping ... He goes "are you going home?" ... I said yeah I am, why? ... He goes "just promise you're going home, are you okay?" ... I said yeah I'm going home, I'm fine, why? ... He goes "Please text me".

 

So I text him and he said that he'd heard I hadn't been into work for 2 days this week. No idea who told him!!!!!

 

He said he is worried about me. He then phoned me another 3 times during this evening to ask where I was. I went out with a friend to get dinner and he asked me to text him where I was at every different location, he wanted updates.

 

What the hell???