False R the Affair Never Ended

[ladydesigner]

I am back here AGAIN and am not surprised. My WH's A with OW never ended. My first DDay was March 2012 and in July 2014 I found out the A never stopped. I thought I knew for certain it had stopped, I checked all devices, my WH was treating me well, thought we were in Reconciliation for 2 years then BAM found out we were not. The OW contacted me probably out of frustration. I no longer have any ill will towards her as we were both hurt by the same man. I am happy she reached out to me otherwise I never would have known. For that I thank her.

 

I am still with my WH. He wants to try again, me eh well you can say my heart is not in it. I was panning on divorce, but WH had to have cancer removed so I stayed for the time being. I am now in limbo trying to find my way back.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I am back here AGAIN and am not surprised. My WH's A with OW never ended. My first DDay was March 2012 and in July 2014 I found out the A never stopped. I thought I knew for certain it had stopped, I checked all devices, my WH was treating me well, thought we were in Reconciliation for 2 years then BAM found out we were not. The OW contacted me probably out of frustration. I no longer have any ill will towards her as we were both hurt by the same man. I am happy she reached out to me otherwise I never would have known. For that I thank her.

 

I am still with my WH. He wants to try again, me eh well you can say my heart is not in it. I was panning on divorce, but WH had to have cancer removed so I stayed for the time being. I am now in limbo trying to find my way back.

 

 

Damn..... Very sorry to hear this.

 

can I ask you a question? I've been telling myself that if this happened to me, it wouln't hurt as much the 2nd time, meaning that you can really only have your heart broken once by the same person.

 

Is it equally difficult this time?

[Confused48]

It looks like you have been on LS since 2009. But you said your first Dday was 2012? What brought you here in 2009?

[jm2013]

Wow. First off, I'm sorry about what you're going through. So there was absolutely no indication he was involved in an affair? These types of stories are a definite eye opener for ANYBODY who's reconciling. What kind of limbo are you in now? Your husband took his chance with you for granted and continued the betrayal. Such a sad story.

[ladydesigner]

Damn..... Very sorry to hear this.

 

can I ask you a question? I've been telling myself that if this happened to me, it wouln't hurt as much the 2nd time, meaning that you can really only have your heart broken once by the same person.

 

Is it equally difficult this time?

 

No it wasn't as difficult this time surprisingly, but I am more deadened inside and numb feeling than ever before. I have accepted my reality of who I am with. Trust (there is none). I don't feel like checking his phone or anything else of that matter. These WS will find a way to cheat no matter what kind of restrictions are placed upon them. It seems my WH is the only one working at the M at the moment I have taken a backseat. It's very strange and am not sure if we will make it. I don't feel like upsetting my life or my kids lives at the moment so I plot along.

[ladydesigner]

It looks like you have been on LS since 2009. But you said your first Dday was 2012? What brought you here in 2009?

 

Yes I came on here as an MOW when I had my revenge affair (although I would call it an A). I caught my WH with a co-worker (different OW) one night and embarked on my own A shortly after that. that's what first brought me here.

[Confused48]

Yes I came on here as an MOW when I had my revenge affair (although I would call it an A). I caught my WH with a co-worker (different OW) one night and embarked on my own A shortly after that. that's what first brought me here.

 

Ok, thanks, just trying to understand. I still wonder why you say the first Dday was 2012. It sounds like your WH has done this before.

[Furious]

I am back here AGAIN and am not surprised. My WH's A with OW never ended. My first DDay was March 2012 and in July 2014 I found out the A never stopped. I thought I knew for certain it had stopped, I checked all devices, my WH was treating me well, thought we were in Reconciliation for 2 years then BAM found out we were not. The OW contacted me probably out of frustration. I no longer have any ill will towards her as we were both hurt by the same man. I am happy she reached out to me otherwise I never would have known. For that I thank her.

 

I am still with my WH. He wants to try again, me eh well you can say my heart is not in it. I was panning on divorce, but WH had to have cancer removed so I stayed for the time being. I am now in limbo trying to find my way back.

 

 

I'm so sorry LD.

[ladydesigner]

Ok, thanks, just trying to understand. I still wonder why you say the first Dday was 2012. It sounds like your WH has done this before.

 

Yes you are correct, but I had no proof of an actual A in the past. In 2012 I had full proof although a different OW. Sorry for the confusion.

[Got it]

I am very sorry LD. Have you thought about counseling to help you through this? Maybe seek legal counsel to figure out your rights if you divorce so you have a clearer idea what your future (in that regard) looks like.

 

Take care of yourself.

[Clay]

I am so sorry. What a really sad day. I will never really understand why people cheat. I get they all have there reason but it just fails to make sense. I hope you kick him to the curb.

 

I think the first thing you should do is get your friends and family to help support you through this.

 

 

Clay

[flowergirl14]

I really hope you leave your husband. I hear in your voice such resignation. I am also a bs who stayed and have children. I feel the same about not wanting to disrupt their lives and my life. But at what cost? When I look on this forum I always applaud the bs who gets out of this cycle of abuse. That is what it is, no matter how "nice" he has been to you or the kids. Or my husband to me. I hope you can get some courage and make a better life for YOU. No more affairs, secrets, or lies.

[No Limit]

Are you going to finally leave your husband? What else does he have to do to show you you're only the 2nd choice, the safety net?

[BetrayedH]

Ugh. I can't see how you can have any hope after something like this. Conversely, leaving may be disruptive in the short-term but gives a lot of hope for the future.

 

LD, I'm so happy that I have moved on. I have other struggles in life but at least "that" crap is over. I hope the same for you. I don't want to minimize the effects of divorce but the reality is that kids will recover and many thrive just fine. If you stay, I don't know how you'll ever recover. I think that's too much of a sacrifice.

[Selfish]

I'm sorry OP. My advice is that you start focusing on you. I'm not going to say divorce or stay for the kids. Instead do some things you enjoy or take up a hobby. Look up things to help with depression. Make yourself have fun. And don't put pressure on yourself to make a descision.

[Spectre]

Well, I was ready to mostly be on the OP's side until she revealed she also had an affair, makes me lose a lot of sympathy for you. So really, you are both cheaters and both at fault. Just divorce, how did your H react when he found out you cheated on him?

 

See kind of the whole problem with revenge affairs is it ends up just justifying what your cheating spouse did to you. At least, in THEIR mind it becomes more justified. Though you said you had a revenge affair, but then just said it was an affair. So which is it, did you bang a dude for revenge or just because you have cheating tendencies just like your H? You calling it revenge but then correcting yourself leads me to believe that yeah, you kinda did it just to do it and not truly for revenge.

 

Do you think it is at all possible your H did not end his affairs because he found out you were a cheater too?

Edited January 8, 2015 by Spectre

[goodyblue]

Well, I was ready to mostly be on the OP's side until she revealed she also had an affair, makes me lose a lot of sympathy for you. So really, you are both cheaters and both at fault. Just divorce, how did your H react when he found out you cheated on him?

 

See kind of the whole problem with revenge affairs is it ends up just justifying what your cheating spouse did to you. At least, in THEIR mind it becomes more justified. Though you said you had a revenge affair, but then just said it was an affair. So which is it, did you bang a dude for revenge or just because you have cheating tendencies just like your H? You calling it revenge but then correcting yourself leads me to believe that yeah, you kinda did it just to do it and not truly for revenge.

 

Do you think it is at all possible your H did not end his affairs because he found out you were a cheater too?

 

This is not helpful. At all. How about a little kindness for someone who is hurting?

[Spectre]

This is not helpful. At all. How about a little kindness for someone who is hurting?

 

I apologize if it seems unkind, but 99% of the replies in this topic were made up of people saying how sorry they were, I don't think anymore kindness is needed. I just feel little sympathy for cheaters and the one reply that actually points out she too is a cheater shouldn't ruffle her feathers too much.

 

I point out I was on board with all the sorry's until she admitted to being a cheater too. I see nothing wrong with that, heck, everyone seemed to pretty much gloss over that little tidbit once it was dropped. I find that to be neither kind nor unkind. I ask how her H reacted to her own affair, I see nothing wrong with that. I then talk about the problem with revenge affairs, and again: I see nothing wrong with that, do you disagree with what I said about revenge affairs? Then I try to find out what the deal is with the affair, was it for revenge or was it not? Again: I see nothing wrong with that nor do I see it as specifically unkind.

 

Then I asked if it is possible he did not end these affairs because he found out she cheated, which is a valid question. So wait, what did I do wrong again? Other then not merely replying with a "I'm so sorry" ? Are we not allowed to comment on the other details of this situation or what? What is specifically unkind about it? It can't be acknowledging she too is a cheater, so we can scratch that. It can't be me talking about the futility of revenge affairs, and it would make no sense if I was being unkind by trying to figure out perhaps a reason why he didn't end the affairs when he said he did. If I'm trying to figure out reasons why he perhaps didn't end it, well, that is me trying to help.

Edited January 8, 2015 by Spectre

[Got it]

I apologize if it seems unkind, but 99% of the replies in this topic were made up of people saying how sorry they were, I don't think anymore kindness is needed. I just feel little sympathy for cheaters and the one reply that actually points out she too is a cheater shouldn't ruffle her feathers too much.

 

I point out I was on board with all the sorry's until she admitted to being a cheater too. I see nothing wrong with that, heck, everyone seemed to pretty much gloss over that little tidbit once it was dropped. I find that to be neither kind nor unkind. I ask how her H reacted to her own affair, I see nothing wrong with that. I then talk about the problem with revenge affairs, and again: I see nothing wrong with that, do you disagree with what I said about revenge affairs? Then I try to find out what the deal is with the affair, was it for revenge or was it not? Again: I see nothing wrong with that nor do I see it as specifically unkind.

 

Then I asked if it is possible he did not end these affairs because he found out she cheated, which is a valid question. So wait, what did I do wrong again? Other then not merely replying with a "I'm so sorry" ? Are we not allowed to comment on the other details of this situation or what? What is specifically unkind about it? It can't be acknowledging she too is a cheater, so we can scratch that. It can't be me talking about the futility of revenge affairs, and it would make no sense if I was being unkind by trying to figure out perhaps a reason why he didn't end the affairs when he said he did. If I'm trying to figure out reasons why he perhaps didn't end it, well, that is me trying to help.

 

First off, there is no difference between a revenge affair and an affair. This idea of "cheating tendencies" (whatever that is, is it contagious?) would need to assume both the affair and revenge affair individuals "have" it. Bottom line, they are both affairs. Period.

 

And secondly, why does it matter WHY he didn't end the affair? He knows she wasn't happy about the affair, I am sure he is well under the impression she wanted the affair over and to not have another, and he choose to do so. So there is not reason other than he choose to have one. So that is the reason.

 

And yes, having a revenge affair does not help but add fuel to the fire. Now there are two affairs to concentrate on. But this does not give the person the excuse to then say "hey you have one now so I need to add another to my list!". Just like there wasn't a good enough excuse for the revenge affair, nor is there one for the revenge revenge affair.

 

And on a "big picture" level you don't have sympathy for someone that is hurting? Really? That is cold. That is your choice, but why the need to express it? I have never understood that, people have the right to their feelings/opinions but the need to share it leaves me baffled.

 

The OP is hurting and she shared it. She didn't ask any questions or seek any advice from what I can see in her posts.

[Furious]

I am back here AGAIN and am not surprised. My WH's A with OW never ended. My first DDay was March 2012 and in July 2014 I found out the A never stopped. I thought I knew for certain it had stopped, I checked all devices, my WH was treating me well, thought we were in Reconciliation for 2 years then BAM found out we were not. The OW contacted me probably out of frustration. I no longer have any ill will towards her as we were both hurt by the same man. I am happy she reached out to me otherwise I never would have known. For that I thank her.

 

I am still with my WH. He wants to try again, me eh well you can say my heart is not in it. I was panning on divorce, but WH had to have cancer removed so I stayed for the time being. I am now in limbo trying to find my way back.

 

 

 

His cancer scare is unfortunate, wouldn't wish this illness on anyone....but you are not his caregiver when he gave little care to you with a false reconciliation and continued with cheating on you.

 

LD, you do not have to feel yiu owe him anthing, if anything you owe yourself freedom of the lies and dysfuntion in your life.

 

I hope this time, you let him go and appreciate that life is too beautiful than being with someone who darkens it.

[Confused48]

I understand Spectre's POV. No, there is never a reason to justify an affair. But to use the arson example, it is not like we just saw her BH set a beautiful mansion on fire. It was a pretty shabby shack. Still, what he did is very wrong.

 

This marriage sounds like it is on the spectrum more towards an open relationship than a true marriage. The fact the OP is still willing to let him live with her is evidence of that. I've not seen anyone post that they think the WH is now going to stop cheating, so the OP is basically accepting that. I hope she is prepared for the pain that choice can bring.

 

I do feel for the OP and understand how sometimes accepting something like this might be the lesser of two evils. Painful as it will be. Not letting it drive her crazy will be a heroic feat. I don't think any the less of the OP bc of her choice to let him stay. I'm just worried for her.

 

I think Spectre asked some interesting questions. I hope the OP will answer.

[Spectre]

First off, there is no difference between a revenge affair and an affair. This idea of "cheating tendencies" (whatever that is, is it contagious?) would need to assume both the affair and revenge affair individuals "have" it. Bottom line, they are both affairs. Period.

 

I'm sorry, but nope, this is all wrong. There is a difference between a revenge affair and a normal one. A revenge affair is..an affair that is the result of the other partner cheating. A normal affair is not the result of that, so to say they are the same makes no sense.

 

Also do you really need me to define what cheating tendencies means? It means people with a tendency to cheat. As in, people who have cheated in the past, and especially those to where the cheating was not a one time slip up, but a full blown affair.

 

And secondly, why does it matter WHY he didn't end the affair? He knows she wasn't happy about the affair, I am sure he is well under the impression she wanted the affair over and to not have another, and he choose to do so. So there is not reason other than he choose to have one. So that is the reason.

 

Again, wrong. Why he didn't end it is a valid question. I see nothing wrong with it, and you are acting like I'm saying the reason he didn't end it would make the situation any better or make what he did less bad, I was merely trying to find an explanation.

 

And yes, having a revenge affair does not help but add fuel to the fire. Now there are two affairs to concentrate on. But this does not give the person the excuse to then say "hey you have one now so I need to add another to my list!". Just like there wasn't a good enough excuse for the revenge affair, nor is there one for the revenge revenge affair.

 

I never said a revenge affair excuses anything. I was pointing out how having a revenge affair makes you no better then the person who had a normal affair.

 

And on a "big picture" level you don't have sympathy for someone that is hurting? Really? That is cold. That is your choice, but why the need to express it? I have never understood that, people have the right to their feelings/opinions but the need to share it leaves me baffled.

 

If you are baffled that people share their opinions in topics on a public forum where a person willingly posted the topic..then I honestly do not know what to say. This is a message board, not a private journal. See here is the thing, you don't get to say "you can't express your opinion unless it's a positive one" or "you can't express your feelings unless they are made up of 100% sympathy".

 

But you are correct and let me rephrase what I said to make it clearer: if a person is hurting over being cheated on I have no sympathy for them if they too are also a cheater. Sort of like I'd have no sympathy if a known thief got a bunch of their stuff stolen.

 

The OP is hurting and she shared it. She didn't ask any questions or seek any advice from what I can see in her posts.

 

You aren't making any sense, she posted on a public forum, on a forum meant for advice on relationships, and specifically cheating. When you do that..you open yourself up to peoples opinions regardless of whether you ask a question. the mere act of posting a topic is an invitation for people to comment.

 

If she wasn't asking any questions and did not want anyone to even comment on the situation then WHY post the topic? You might say "she just wanted to vent" but if she wants to vent in a way where nobody can reply then doing so on a public forum is not the way to go, period.

 

I'm not trying to make the OP feel like she is the bad guy here. Rather, they are both cheaters..so this marriage isn't worth saving. Still, it is possible knowing why the H did what he did might help her to heal. It doesn't always help, but you can hardly make generalizations saying it won't ever matter.

Edited January 8, 2015 by Spectre

[dichotomy]

Its sounds like your taking a middle ground foot on either side. Which if you say he just got over cancer, and is the primary breadwinner - what I would advise. Work on you, consult a lawyer, consider what employment you could get in the future, and consider all options for now and make plans.

 

I am sorry.

[Spectre]

She implies she feels numb inside, which honestly..I feel that is worse then disliking or hating someone. Think about it, love and hate are both emotions, hate might be bad, but it's still a feeling. A complete lack of feeling for someone one way or another is a different story. At least if the person is your spouse.

 

If nothing else I don't think the marriage can be saved because she said she didn't seem that bothered by finding out the affairs never ended.

[katielee]

all affairs are revenge affairs.