Author ladydesigner Posted January 8, 2015 Author Share Posted January 8, 2015 Well, I was ready to mostly be on the OP's side until she revealed she also had an affair, makes me lose a lot of sympathy for you. So really, you are both cheaters and both at fault. Just divorce, how did your H react when he found out you cheated on him? See kind of the whole problem with revenge affairs is it ends up just justifying what your cheating spouse did to you. At least, in THEIR mind it becomes more justified. Though you said you had a revenge affair, but then just said it was an affair. So which is it, did you bang a dude for revenge or just because you have cheating tendencies just like your H? You calling it revenge but then correcting yourself leads me to believe that yeah, you kinda did it just to do it and not truly for revenge. Do you think it is at all possible your H did not end his affairs because he found out you were a cheater too? No mine was a revenge affair I just believe all affairs are affairs no matter which way you spin it. My WH may have justified it because of my Affair, could be. I don't have the desire to cheat, just the one time after my WH's first cheating incident occurred. Not looking for sympathy here, just need a sounding board I guess as I do not have funds for an IC at the moment. Appreciate your feedback though! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladydesigner Posted January 8, 2015 Author Share Posted January 8, 2015 I understand Spectre's POV. No, there is never a reason to justify an affair. But to use the arson example, it is not like we just saw her BH set a beautiful mansion on fire. It was a pretty shabby shack. Still, what he did is very wrong. This marriage sounds like it is on the spectrum more towards an open relationship than a true marriage. The fact the OP is still willing to let him live with her is evidence of that. I've not seen anyone post that they think the WH is now going to stop cheating, so the OP is basically accepting that. I hope she is prepared for the pain that choice can bring. I do feel for the OP and understand how sometimes accepting something like this might be the lesser of two evils. Painful as it will be. Not letting it drive her crazy will be a heroic feat. I don't think any the less of the OP bc of her choice to let him stay. I'm just worried for her. I think Spectre asked some interesting questions. I hope the OP will answer. I think the bolded is spot on with my thinking at the moment. I just have decided not to make any decisions at the moment. These past 3 years have been exhausting for me and debilitating (I attempted suicide once during this duration). I feel paralyzed. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 I think the bolded is spot on with my thinking at the moment. I just have decided not to make any decisions at the moment. These past 3 years have been exhausting for me and debilitating (I attempted suicide once during this duration). I feel paralyzed. I don't think staying is the lesser of two evils but a life sentence. What I do believe is that you're exhausted and too debilitated to leave at the moment. And frankly, that's ok. Just don't mistake it for being the right long-term decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 I think the bolded is spot on with my thinking at the moment. I just have decided not to make any decisions at the moment. These past 3 years have been exhausting for me and debilitating (I attempted suicide once during this duration). I feel paralyzed. I completely understand being distraught and broken heated but no one is worth killing yourself over. I really hope you seek out some kind of help. I know IC is not cheat but I bet if you went to some of the local churches they would help you take care of that. Suicide is a very damaging thing to everyone involved. My oldest daughter took her life last year. It kills me everyday that she is gone. I breaks my heart to hear of anyone even considering this. You deserve to be happy. You just have to find a way out of this toxic situation. Clay 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 No mine was a revenge affair I just believe all affairs are affairs no matter which way you spin it. My WH may have justified it because of my Affair, could be. I don't have the desire to cheat, just the one time after my WH's first cheating incident occurred. Not looking for sympathy here, just need a sounding board I guess as I do not have funds for an IC at the moment. Appreciate your feedback though! The problem is..if affairs were "just affairs" no matter how you spin it then we wouldn't have names for specific types of affairs, like revenge affairs. The fundamental reason behind the affair in a revenge affair is entirely different then that of a normal affair. If a person cheats because they deep down do not love their partner or because they have no self control or no boundaries that is an affair. If a person cheats solely because they were somehow slighted by their partner? That isn't the same. Especially since you could say that a normal affair is bad, but you weren't doing it SPECIFICALLY to hurt your partner. A revenge affair has actual malice behind it, with the intent to harm. It's the difference between accidentally running over someone with a car and purposely running them over with one. So I guess I ask, did you accidentally hit your H, or did you floor the friggin gas and drive in head first right at him? Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 ((lady)) - how are you doing today? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 I hope you can make yourself a priority now and attempt to find your way out of this situation. Change would bring hope - what are you willing to change? He has cancer - ok, that shouldn't be at the cost of forfeiting your happiness. Do you work? Can you work? Securing a future of happiness would help. This is for you. Make decisions based on your well being. He can figure out how to do for his future. I know that seems harsh - but it's time to focus on you. He can figure out about himself. Are you in counseling? If so, what is suggested to change things for you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 I think the bolded is spot on with my thinking at the moment. I just have decided not to make any decisions at the moment. These past 3 years have been exhausting for me and debilitating (I attempted suicide once during this duration). I feel paralyzed. This is a sign of way more than just being in the lesser of two evils. This is a sign of feeling trapped with no way out. I've been there, for very similar reasons as you. I know how this feels. Like to be dead would be better. Ugh. Sorry to hear this. Link to post Share on other sites
Jesuischarlie Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 Thing is. You can stop the affair but not the feelings. So what good a reconciliation? Sometimes after a little affair one can forgive and forget. Depends how long you go without saying. Sorry to tell the truth. I'm a long term mistress who tried to forget. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 I have one other question, how did your husband react when he found out you had an affair? Since he had them as well I'm curious how he took it. Angry? Jealous? Indifferent? Sometimes after a little affair one can forgive and forget This might be true, but I never recommend it because I don't think a person should delude themselves. I'd rather face a bleak reality then an awesome delusion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladydesigner Posted January 12, 2015 Author Share Posted January 12, 2015 I have one other question, how did your husband react when he found out you had an affair? Since he had them as well I'm curious how he took it. Angry? Jealous? Indifferent? When my WH found out about my A, I disclosed it to him, he became very angry, jealous, and was probably indifferent because he was knee deep in his A with OW at the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladydesigner Posted January 12, 2015 Author Share Posted January 12, 2015 Just want to say thanks to all who have responded. I am feeling better this week even though my situation remains the same. I hope to find more clarity in the future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 He has cancer. He can fight it on his own. There's no rule that states you have to stay with him because he got sick. Especially if it's making you suicidal. Can you start distancing your life from his? Link to post Share on other sites
sidney2718 Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 No it wasn't as difficult this time surprisingly, but I am more deadened inside and numb feeling than ever before. I have accepted my reality of who I am with. Trust (there is none). I don't feel like checking his phone or anything else of that matter. These WS will find a way to cheat no matter what kind of restrictions are placed upon them. It seems my WH is the only one working at the M at the moment I have taken a backseat. It's very strange and am not sure if we will make it. I don't feel like upsetting my life or my kids lives at the moment so I plot along. I would like to caution you about staying in such a marriage just for the kids. Kids are excellent at reading their parents moods. Children under 1 can do it. Staying in a totally broken marriage can be worse for them than divorce. No, I'm not advising you to divorce. Just sounding a cautionary note. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladydesigner Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 He has cancer. He can fight it on his own. There's no rule that states you have to stay with him because he got sick. Especially if it's making you suicidal. Can you start distancing your life from his? Yes I have already distanced my life somewhat from his. it's been that way for a while now. We get along fine I just can't be sure the A ended and I don't have a care in the world to find out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladydesigner Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 I would like to caution you about staying in such a marriage just for the kids. Kids are excellent at reading their parents moods. Children under 1 can do it. Staying in a totally broken marriage can be worse for them than divorce. No, I'm not advising you to divorce. Just sounding a cautionary note. Thank you. I just know at this point, life would be harder for me and the kids if I were to D. I also do not want them to grow up in a broken home (2 sets of parents). I saw my cousins grow up in broken homes due to A's and I never wanted that for my kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Kids are much better off with one healthy parent than with two parents and one being out of control. The good parent spends most of there time trying to fix the things that the bad parent is doing so then the children do not get the attention they need and deserve. I allowed this to go on in my life for six years. When I finally had a enough and kicked her out it was the best thing I could ever do for my kids. I will be honest I did not know if it was and I had alot of things going on. In the next couple of months my kids teachers starting contacting me asking what I was doing. I was puzzled why they would ask me that. They said my kids were better than they had ever have been and they were thrilled to teach them everyday. My kids do have there issues and there is no doubt they will miss the other parent but sometimes its healthier for them to be away from that person than it is for them to be around them as much as they were. My kids still talk about all the fun things we did after there mom left. Its been 8-9 years since and they still find joy in it. I hope you can find the strength to do better for you and your kids. Clay 2 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 I saw my cheating H through all kinds of health crises, including cancer. It's a trap and you should just peel that layer of complicated excuses off right now. He must have family that could take care of him and, once they know about what he did, they should sympathize with your choice. If they don't, then protect yourself from being exposed to abuse. You will resent it big time later otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 IOW, don't do it the way I did, or rather, don't think about it like you HAVE to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
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