Fighting for our Love

[FightingForMAC]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years. Our anniversary will be on February 4th. We're a blended family: I have an 11 year old son from a previous relationship, he has a 4 year old daughter from a previous marriage and we have a 1 year old son together. He was miserable in his marriage, left his wife for me, and we've been living together pretty much from the beginning. I will be 36 tomorrow and before this, have never been in a serious relationship. Our relationship has had it's ups and down since the beginning. I have always had trust issues my whole life for many different reasons since childhood... which probably explains why I've never been in a relationship. He has anger issues that explode all over the place when we argue. We both truly Love one another with everything we have but it's gotten to the point that the fighting is overwhelming for us both and we don't know how to fix our relationship. I don't think he's cheated, but know that he's met with several females behind my back for lunch secretively. I really don't care if he has female friends... really, it pisses me off that he's sneaking and lieing. If you aren't doing any thing wrong than you just say "honey, I'm going to lunch today with Tina (or whoever) a friend I've known since high school". Soooo, me being a person who truly believes you can't trust anyone snoops around and finds the texts, emails ect. and he gets busted. The messages really are innocent and just lunch with a friend (I think) again, it's just the sneaking and lieing that makes me so angry. AND even more unwilling to trust. He also says terrible things out of anger when we're fighting that are not easy to just forget after there is forgiveness. I have my faults to, when I'm upset I tend to get an F you attitude and come off as a total uncaring Bi**H. He also tells me that I talk to him like a child and always think I'm always right. It's gotten to the point that he's built up so much resentment that pretty much every time something comes out of my mouth (even if I'm trying to be nice) it pisses him off. At the end of the day we're both appologetic and regretful for what we say and do. We just don't know how to communicate. Has anyone been in this situation and successfuly saved your relationship. We are both willing to do whatever it takes. Does counseling work? How do you even begin to find a counselor? It's not like asking your friends/family to refer you to a regular doctor. Any advise will be appreciated... we are both tired of fighting and ready to feel the Love again.

[Satu]

No relationship is more than a day old.

 

Relationships have be recreated/rebooted every day.

 

Sometimes one or both partners stop investing into the relationship, and the relationship starves.

 

Even worse, some people sit wistfully looking back to the 'good old days', whilst wondering why it is so bad today.

 

You need to fall in love again.

 

Today.

[Mr. Lucky]

Does counseling work? How do you even begin to find a counselor? It's not like asking your friends/family to refer you to a regular doctor. Any advise will be appreciated... we are both tired of fighting and ready to feel the Love again.

Not only can counseling be a powerful tool, you two might be the poster children for it. You've correctly identified the communication issues and what needs to be fixed. Listening is just as much a skill as is expressing your thoughts but the ears receive very little exercise in most relationships. Look online and make the appointment tomorrow - what do you have to lose ?

 

Why no marriage for the two of you?

 

Mr. Lucky

[FightingForMAC]

Not only can counseling be a powerful tool, you two might be the poster children for it. You've correctly identified the communication issues and what needs to be fixed. Listening is just as much a skill as is expressing your thoughts but the ears receive very little exercise in most relationships. Look online and make the appointment tomorrow - what do you have to lose ?

 

Why no marriage for the two of you?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thank you for the advice We both know where we are at fault, but when we try to talk it just escalates into an arugement and we end up pointing fingers and getting nowhere. That's why I think we need someone to redirect us and teach us how to do so ourselves when we're together. We want to get married and already have plans. I have no desire for a giant fairytail wedding. Just something small with only the most important people in our lives with us. There is a beautiful outdoor spot in Austin with tons of peacocks, lush green gardens and coy fish ponds that has a lot of meaning to us where the wedding will take place. The cost will be minimal, but having 3 children makes it hard to save, of course. One day though...

[FightingForMAC]

No relationship is more than a day old.

 

Relationships have be recreated/rebooted every day.

 

Sometimes one or both partners stop investing into the relationship, and the relationship starves.

 

Even worse, some people sit wistfully looking back to the 'good old days', whilst wondering why it is so bad today.

 

You need to fall in love again.

 

Today.

 

I just keep reading your words over and over again your advise is very true... and poetic to boot.

[Zigoto2]

If there is a Retrouvaille group in your area, I would recommend participating at one of their weekends. It made a big difference in my relationship with my husband and I don't think I would have stayed with him had it not been for the support we received there. We had never tried counselling but all the other couples attending had and they all said counselling was like putting a band-aid on a broken leg. Retrouvaille helped many couples stay together. Our marriage is better and stronger than it was because we work on it together every day. Worth a try...

[FightingForMAC]

If there is a Retrouvaille group in your area, I would recommend participating at one of their weekends. It made a big difference in my relationship with my husband and I don't think I would have stayed with him had it not been for the support we received there. We had never tried counselling but all the other couples attending had and they all said counselling was like putting a band-aid on a broken leg. Retrouvaille helped many couples stay together. Our marriage is better and stronger than it was because we work on it together every day. Worth a try...

 

They do have one in our area, thanks. But, it seems the program is only for married couples and we are not married sounds like a great deal though.

[Holmes85]

FightingForMac,

 

I really want you to put aside your emotional thinking for a while and start seeing things a bit more logically. I have highlighted a couple of things from your original message above, I want you to read them again, but this time in a logical way.

 

He was miserable in his marriage, left his wife for me

That is what he told you right? That he was miserable in his marriage and wanted to be with you. He probably might have also painted his wife in a very bad light as well.

 

I don't think he's cheated, but know that he's met with several females behind my back for lunch secretively

If a guy is willing to leave his wife for you, do you really think he's not capable of cheating or going through your back to meet the other female friends?

 

I really don't care if he has female friends... really, it pisses me off that he's sneaking and lieing

.

 

"Sneaking and lieing" say this aloud at least 3 times till you really grasp what he's doing.

 

If you aren't doing any thing wrong than you just say "honey, I'm going to lunch today with Tina (or whoever) a friend I've known since high school".

Exactly!

[FightingForMAC]

FightingForMac,

 

I really want you to put aside your emotional thinking for a while and start seeing things a bit more logically. I have highlighted a couple of things from your original message above, I want you to read them again, but this time in a logical way.

 

That is what he told you right? That he was miserable in his marriage and wanted to be with you. He probably might have also painted his wife in a very bad light as well.

 

If a guy is willing to leave his wife for you, do you really think he's not capable of cheating or going through your back to meet the other female friends?

 

.

 

"Sneaking and lieing" say this aloud at least 3 times till you really grasp what he's doing.

 

Exactly!

 

While I appreciate your feedback, not everything is black and white... and not everyone is an open book.

[MJJean]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years. Our anniversary will be on February 4th. We're a blended family: I have an 11 year old son from a previous relationship, he has a 4 year old daughter from a previous marriage and we have a 1 year old son together.

No, you're not a blended family. He's your boyfriend. Live in, yes, but live in BF =/= husband. You become a blended family if you're married and not a second before.

 

He was miserable in his marriage, left his wife for me, and we've been living together pretty much from the beginning.

 

Honey, they're all miserable in their marriage, even when they weren't, and it's usually all the other spouses fault. That lasts right up until you become the wife that makes him miserable and there's a new other woman.

 

 

I will be 36 tomorrow and before this, have never been in a serious relationship. Our relationship has had it's ups and down since the beginning. I have always had trust issues my whole life for many different reasons since childhood... which probably explains why I've never been in a relationship.

 

If you have trust issues why the heck are you in a relationship with a man who cheated on his wife with you? Obviously, he can't be trusted. If he could be trusted he'd still be with his wife or he'd have left her and at least filed for divorce before starting a thing with you.

 

He has anger issues that explode all over the place when we argue. We both truly Love one another with everything we have but it's gotten to the point that the fighting is overwhelming for us both and we don't know how to fix our relationship.

 

Is this the kind of environment you want to raise your kids in? Are you both setting the examples you want your kids to see and emulate? Remember, kids think their parents relationships are how relationships are supposed to be.

 

I don't think he's cheated, but know that he's met with several females behind my back for lunch secretively. I really don't care if he has female friends... really, it pisses me off that he's sneaking and lieing. If you aren't doing any thing wrong than you just say "honey, I'm going to lunch today with Tina (or whoever) a friend I've known since high school". Soooo, me being a person who truly believes you can't trust anyone snoops around and finds the texts, emails ect. and he gets busted. The messages really are innocent and just lunch with a friend (I think) again, it's just the sneaking and lieing that makes me so angry. AND even more unwilling to trust.

 

You can't trust him because he keeps showing over and over and over that he is not trustworthy. You shouldn't trust him. He's given you valid reasons not to trust him. Sneaking and lying. Are you sure you want to marry a man who left his wife after an affair with you and is currently sneaking around on and lying to you? Is that what you want for the rest of your life? I have trust issues, too, but I trust my husband above all because he hasn't given me a reason not to. I don't think a relationship between a person with trust issues can work long term if the other party is not a trustworthy person. You'll always be wondering what he's up to when you aren't looking. And for good reason! If he wasn't doing or trying to do anything wrong he wouldn't have gone and if he was going to go to an innocent lunch he'd have told you about it before he went and regaled you with the details of the conversation when he got home.

 

 

He also says terrible things out of anger when we're fighting that are not easy to just forget after there is forgiveness. I have my faults to, when I'm upset I tend to get an F you attitude and come off as a total uncaring Bi**H. He also tells me that I talk to him like a child and always think I'm always right. It's gotten to the point that he's built up so much resentment that pretty much every time something comes out of my mouth (even if I'm trying to be nice) it pisses him off. At the end of the day we're both appologetic and regretful for what we say and do. We just don't know how to communicate.

Or maybe he's deliberately sabotaging things just enough so that he can justify to himself the affair du jour and "repenting" at the end of the day so he can keep you, too.

 

Has anyone been in this situation and successfuly saved your relationship. We are both willing to do whatever it takes. Does counseling work? How do you even begin to find a counselor? It's not like asking your friends/family to refer you to a regular doctor. Any advise will be appreciated... we are both tired of fighting and ready to feel the Love again.

 

If you really want to make this work and he's really, truly, just as dedicated then you basically take out the phone book and start making calls. Not every therapist is as good as the next. Some will handle your situation better than others even if it means telling you both some things you don't want to hear. Interview therapists and pick the one that is practical, blunt, and experienced. Finding a therapist who'll blow smoke up your butt to keep getting fees won't help you.

 

While I appreciate your feedback, not everything is black and white... and not everyone is an open book.

 

No, not everything is black and white. But cheating on your wife then sneaking around and lying on the chick you were cheating with is fairly black and white. Those are not the actions of an honest and honorable man.

 

If you both really wanted to be married, you'd be married by now. All it takes is some light paperwork and an appointment with the JP. My marriage cost me $40 in marriage license filing fees and $20 to the JP. Took all of 3 days to arrange. Friends and family are usually welcome to attend and you can wear whatever you want. Trust me, getting married is much less of a thing than being married.

Edited January 19, 2015 by MJJean

[Satu]

If you want love, be loving.

 

If you want peace, be peaceful.

 

If you want forgiveness, be forgiving.

 

 

Thats my whole philosophy of life in three short sentences.

Edited January 19, 2015 by Satu

[FightingForMAC]

If you really want to make this work and he's really, truly, just as dedicated then you basically take out the phone book and start making calls. Not every therapist is as good as the next. Some will handle your situation better than others even if it means telling you both some things you don't want to hear. Interview therapists and pick the one that is practical, blunt, and experienced. Finding a therapist who'll blow smoke up your butt to keep getting fees won't help you.

 

 

 

No, not everything is black and white. But cheating on your wife then sneaking around and lying on the chick you were cheating with is fairly black and white. Those are not the actions of an honest and honorable man.

 

If you both really wanted to be married, you'd be married by now. All it takes is some light paperwork and an appointment with the JP. My marriage cost me $40 in marriage license filing fees and $20 to the JP. Took all of 3 days to arrange. Friends and family are usually welcome to attend and you can wear whatever you want. Trust me, getting married is much less of a thing than being married.

 

Wow, you sound like "the woman once scorned". Sorry for the hurt that you've obviously had in your life.

[MJJean]

Wow, you sound like "the woman once scorned". Sorry for the hurt that you've obviously had in your life.

 

I'm generally a pretty upbeat person. But I do call 'em like I see 'em. What I said is valid. Is it the phrasing you object to or did you just want someone to blow happy happy joy joy smoke up your butt?

 

A wedding generally includes vows like "forsaking all others" "til death do us part", etc. He broke those vows to have an affair. Whatever his ex did doesn't matter. How miserable he may have been doesn't matter. What matters is that he cheated on his wife when he could have been upfront and honest, separated/divorced, and then started a relationship with someone new. He can repeat those vows to you in front of the Queen of England and you would be stupid not to wonder if he's going to betray you, too. After all, he already has...

 

Look at this logically. How can someone with trust issues ever trust someone they know has betrayed their spouse? Now add in the fact that he has lied to you in order to sneak around and spend time with other women. And it's not like he came clean. You had to catch him at it.And then add in the "anger issues" and terrible things he says.

 

Is that kind of man who you want to spend your life with and have raise and influence your children? Is this the relationship you want to be in for the rest of your life? Always wondering?

 

I'm sorry you are so damaged you can't see what a mess this is and why. When you got involved with him while he was married you knew 2 things. 1) He's willing to lie to someone he claimed to love and 2) he's willing to cheat on someone he claimed to love. You've always known he's a liar and a cheater. The question is, what are you going to do about it?

 

And, really, it's been 3 years and you've had a baby with him. If you both wanted to be married you'd be married. You're not. And maybe that's a good thing.

Edited January 19, 2015 by MJJean

[FightingForMAC]

I'm generally a pretty upbeat person. But I do call 'em like I see 'em. What I said is valid. Is it the phrasing you object to or did you just want someone to blow happy happy joy joy smoke up your butt?

 

A wedding generally includes vows like "forsaking all others" "til death do us part", etc. He broke those vows to have an affair. Whatever his ex did doesn't matter. How miserable he may have been doesn't matter. What matters is that he cheated on his wife when he could have been upfront and honest, separated/divorced, and then started a relationship with someone new. He can repeat those vows to you in front of the Queen of England and you would be stupid not to wonder if he's going to betray you, too. After all, he already has...

 

Look at this logically. How can someone with trust issues ever trust someone they know has betrayed their spouse? Now add in the fact that he has lied to you in order to sneak around and spend time with other women. And it's not like he came clean. You had to catch him at it.And then add in the "anger issues" and terrible things he says.

 

Is that kind of man who you want to spend your life with and have raise and influence your children? Is this the relationship you want to be in for the rest of your life? Always wondering?

 

I'm sorry you are so damaged you can't see what a mess this is and why.

 

Well, the issue I have is that this thread was posted for advise on how to save a relationship. For advise on counseling and whether it works. Not for you or anyone else to read one paragraph and give your closed minded opinion on our entire lives. Nor was it intended for your scathing comments, pointing fingers and miserable feedback. The year is 2015, and in this day and time, it is not required to be married to consider yourself a family. We don't haved to run off to the courthouse and spend $40 just to have a certificate that deems us "married". And yes, by the way, this is the man that I want to be in our lives forever and raise my children. Again, you read one paragraph and developed an entire atrocious opinion from what I'm certian has something to do with a personal experience you've had... therefore, deeming your nasty words biased and laughable.

[MJJean]

Well, the issue I have is that this thread was posted for advise on how to save a relationship. For advise on counseling and whether it works. Not for you or anyone else to read one paragraph and give your closed minded opinion on our entire lives. Nor was it intended for your scathing comments, pointing fingers and miserable feedback. The year is 2015, and in this day and time, it is not required to be married to consider yourself a family. We don't haved to run off to the courthouse and spend $40 just to have a certificate that deems us "married". And yes, by the way, this is the man that I want to be in our lives forever and raise my children. Again, you read one paragraph and developed an entire atrocious opinion from what I'm certian has something to do with a personal experience you've had... therefore, deeming your nasty words biased and laughable.

 

Why do you get so defensive when someone points out to you the facts of your situation? He cheated on his wife with you. He lied to you and concealed meetings with other women. You two have viscous arguments regularly. Where, exactly, am I wrong? It is generally held that people who lie and cheat aren't trustworthy. That's life. Do you think this kind of thing is normal in a relationship?

 

The year doesn't matter. The truth is that legally and socially there is a difference between a married couple and an unmarried couple.

 

I think your problem is that I am hitting too close to home. If someone points out to you the holes you'll eventually have to notice the real issue. And the real issue is that you are a woman with trust issues involved in a live-in relationship with a man who is a known cheater and liar. He cheated and lied when married and he's at least lying while with you. Those are the facts.

 

Before you can save a relationship you first have to see it and the other person for what they are and then decide what to do. Counselling only works if both people are in 100%. Really committed to doing whatever it takes. Part of the process involves a lot of sometimes painful honesty. Honesty is not your BF's strong suit. If he's not really committed to fessing up to whatever he's done past and present and if you aren't capable of dealing with your reality it won't do any good at all.

 

And, frankly, if I wanted to be judgmental and atrocious I would be. Believe me. Perhaps if other people's opinions are too much for you it would be better not to post your filthy laundry on the internet and ask for opinions.

[LoveMyCat]

Well, the issue I have is that this thread was posted for advise on how to save a relationship. For advise on counseling and whether it works. Not for you or anyone else to read one paragraph and give your closed minded opinion on our entire lives. Nor was it intended for your scathing comments, pointing fingers and miserable feedback. The year is 2015, and in this day and time, it is not required to be married to consider yourself a family. We don't haved to run off to the courthouse and spend $40 just to have a certificate that deems us "married". And yes, by the way, this is the man that I want to be in our lives forever and raise my children. Again, you read one paragraph and developed an entire atrocious opinion from what I'm certian has something to do with a personal experience you've had... therefore, deeming your nasty words biased and laughable.

 

There is nothing in your posts that helps me to understand why you would want to spend your life with this man and have him raise your children...my that is just my opinion. Nothing to do with being married or not married...but the way you describe the relationship, as well as how you got together...none of,it sounds healthy at all.