Unfairly suspected of cheating? or not?

[Blossom33]

The guy I have been dating just broke up with me saying he suspects Ive been emotionally cheating.

I will take any responsability if I made a mistake but I think its based on a misunderstanding.

 

We have dating for a few months and things were really awesome. We were connecting on so many levels and I felt so lucky to have met someone so wonderful. I felt invested in this relationship to see where it would go.

 

Before I met him I had a connection with someone longdistance. We had met almost 3 years ago and because of some extreme circumstances were never together and the relationship never developped. It was extreme as he had returned to his country of Syria where he faced mere survival and finally fled. Through everything we kept in touch, I felt loyal to him as friend and did what I could to support him morally. It was an intense and difficult experience and created a deep bond that remains, although it is not romantic. I can say I care for this person in a way that is hard to put into words. However I had moved on from any romantic attachment.

 

When I met this new guy, I knew I wanted to pursue it. As it became clear that it was potentially something lasting, I decided to distance myself from the longdistance guy because it was very heavy and I needed space. Although I had no more expectations about that, I still didnt want to mix any energies, I needed my head clear. We had almost no communication anymore. I felt somewhat guilty, as I am loyal to a fault, and stand by those I know are suffering. But I knew it was the right thing to do, both for my self and for any future relationships, even though not a love connection anymore it was very demanding on my heart and energy.

 

 

I felt my intentions were well placed and at peace with all these dynamics, both overseas and with the present guy.

 

Where it went wrong was I chose to send my overseas friend a Happy new year message, friendly, wishing him a good and hopefully more positive new year. I regret it now. I recieved from him an un expected message that appeared on my phone screen on new years. My present guy saw this and interpreted this as something ongoing and bigger than it was , and has accused me of having been involved with this person.

 

I have tried to explain. I have looked at my self and thought perhaps I was wrong to even keep any lines of communication open with any other guy. If I did that I can say it was a mistake and own up to it, and am really sorry. However this was no normal situation, not just some ex or other guy. I thought my intentions were pure, and in my head and heart it was clear to me that there were no feelings. I was never hiding anything because to me there was nothing to hide. However my guy is hurt and doesnt understand and wants nothing to do with me.

 

I have apologized profusely if even unintentionally I hurt him. I really feel its a misunderstanding, but am willing to admit I could have been more clear in my mistakes. I understand he perceives this as being emotionally connected to someone else, no matter how I try to reassure him that its not the case.

 

I am also angry that instead of coming to ask my about any doubts he had, he immediately jumped to conclusions, judged the situation, and ended it. I feel that if he had communicated his concerns with me perhaps we could have avoided the hurt.

I have never cheated on anyone, ever, in my life, its not something I do. Ive been cheated on and I know it hurts. So I am extra sad to be accused of this as it is against my values.

I am willing to admit if I made a mistake, even an unintentional one, if it in any way made him feel hurt and put what we had in jeopardy. I feel really sad however if it ends this way. I may have messed up a great thing without knowing it. Can it be fixed?

Edited January 8, 2015 by Blossom33

[Spectre]

I think you made some mistakes. Here is the thing, you cut this other guy out of your life to focus on your relationship. That was a good move, but then you undid it all just to send this dude a happy new years message. What was the point? Why open up a dialogue again with this man? Then when you say things like it is not romantic, but was very demanding on your "heart and energy" ? Yeah, that is a red flag, I'm sorry if you don't get that, but it is. If you are going to cut someone out of your life then cut them out of your life, don't just do it half way.

 

Think about this: you stopped talking to this guy for a reason, and why? I'm guessing you knew it was wrong. So you negated all that by breaking no contact, and you can't act surprised if you send the guy a message and he responds. What did the message he sent say? You talk about a deep bond with this guy, and admit you used to have romantic feelings for him. Combine that with the nonsense of "he is demanding on my heart and energy" and yeah, that might be all she wrote. Has your bf been cheated on or otherwise betrayed in the past by other girlfriends? Sometimes when a guy has been hurt so many times..they cut and run at the first potential sign of trouble because they feel the potential heart ache is not worth it. Your bf is probably wondering why all of a sudden you felt the need to begin messaging this man again.

 

Basically ask yourself this: if your bf is so awesome why is a connection with some other dude in another country so "demanding" on your heart? May I ask how old you are? I also hate to sound like a broken record, but saying a guy is demanding on your heart definitely sounds like an emotional affair, even if you follow that up by saying "oh it's not romantic" well, that is contradicted by other things you say. I've said it before and I will say it again: being good friends with a member of the opposite sex while in a relationship is just playing with fire, and that is true times a thousand if you also had feelings for this person in the past. Think about how you would feel if you saw your boyfriend talking about how a girl he used to have the hots for is still "demanding" on his heart.

Edited January 8, 2015 by Spectre

[Blossom33]

Spectre by demanding on my heart I was not talking about romantically but because I saw a friend suffering during a war, enduring unimaginable and extreme emotional turmoil. I wont go into the details of the war, but you only have to turn on the news. Sometimes the only contact I made was to know if he as alive. I hope you never have to live through such an experience watching someone suffer. And I knew him almost 3 years before I met the current guy. I tried to be a supportive friend even after that because that is the right human thing to do in my opinion. It became a large burden on me to feel the pain and not be able to help, which is the main reason I needed to distance myself for my own mental health. It is not demanding anymore like it was before because of this. After which I met the other guy and also wanted to have a clear head for new and healthy relationships.

 

By the way Im 39 years old.

 

I shouldnt have opened the door with message, I agree that was a mistake.

[Blossom33]

It wasn't romantic to you, but that guy overseas wanted sex. All guys do. Your BF knows this and just doesn't want to deal with your baggage. Just forget about it and move on.

 

Drifter when you are fleeing bombs that are destroying your home, sex is not the priority.

[Spectre]

Spectre by demanding on my heart I was not talking about romantically but because I saw a friend suffering during a war, enduring unimaginable and extreme emotional turmoil. I wont go into the details of the war, but you only have to turn on the news. Sometimes the only contact I made was to know if he as alive. I hope you never have to live through such an experience watching someone suffer. And I knew him almost 3 years before I met the current guy. I tried to be a supportive friend even after that because that is the right human thing to do in my opinion. It became a large burden on me to feel the pain and not be able to help, which is the main reason I needed to distance myself for my own mental health. It is not demanding anymore like it was before because of this. After which I met the other guy and also wanted to have a clear head for new and healthy relationships.

 

By the way Im 39 years old.

 

I shouldnt have opened the door with message, I agree that was a mistake.

 

I get what you are saying, but this all seems to add up to "cared more about dude overseas then my boyfriend". That is how he is going to see it, and I can't exactly blame him. No offense, but he is not going to really care about some creep overseas that is making "demands" on your heart.

 

You just said that his "demands" on your heart aren't as strong as they used to be, but the fact they still exist is a red flag and I'm guessing your bf picked up on this.

Edited January 8, 2015 by Spectre

[Spectre]

Drifter when you are fleeing bombs that are destroying your home, sex is not the priority.

 

Problem is, when you are fleeing bombs sending some woman in another country a happy new years message also shouldn't be a priority, so that kind of goes both ways.

 

Plus, you didn't say you sent him a "hey just checking to see if you are alive" message, you sent him a happy new years message. The message he sent back to you..what did it say? Was it all business? Was there nothing in the message that could be interpreted as this not simply being an attempt by you to merely make sure the guy wasn't dead?

Edited January 8, 2015 by Spectre

[Blossom33]

Problem is, when you are fleeing bombs sending some woman in another country a happy new years message also shouldn't be a priority, so that kind of goes both ways.

 

Plus, you didn't say you sent him a "hey just checking to see if you are alive" message, you sent him a happy new years message. The message he sent back to you..what did it say?

 

This was a reference to events over the past 3 years, not specifically new years. There have been ups and downs of course.

There were times I was literally worried about life or death. Other times not. At this moment its not good but its relatively secure.

Just responding to the message that he only wants sex. Some people arent just looking for that. There are larger issues of humanity here.

[Spectre]

This was a reference to events over the past 3 years, not specifically new years. There have been ups and downs of course.

There were times I was literally worried about life or death. Other times not. At this moment its not good but its relatively secure.

Just responding to the message that he only wants sex. Some people arent just looking for that. There are larger issues of humanity here.

 

Larger issues of humanity don't mean he doesn't want sex from you, surely you can see that? I doubt the guy only wants sex from you, but it wouldn't surprise me if boning was near the top of the list of things he wants from you. Let me ask another way, if he were here right now and you offered to have sex with him, what would he do?

 

Also I ask again: what did this message the man sent you say? Another question and answer honestly: one day you go online and you see a post on a message board from your boyfriend talking about how a girl he used to have feelings for was still making heavy demands on his heart. You are just okay with that? That doesn't even make you bat an eye or feel any concern? Really? I'm going to go out on a limb and say you probably would not be happy to see him say that.

Edited January 8, 2015 by Spectre

[smackie9]

Blossom there are just some people who cannot tolerate outside platonic relationships, but there are others that do. You can love someone from the heart without sexual connection. I admire you for your kindness given to this person because he has very little to none of it. Your ex is on a different plane. He is insecure, possibly been cheated on, lied to, mistreated in past relationships....his soul in not a peace. There is no way he could ever be open minded, listen and understand that this world needs more loving relationships between your fellow man, even if it reaches out over oceans. Your ex has his values and expectations and you have yours. The only mistake you made was you didn't make the right choice with him. He wasn't wrong, and you were not wrong......it just wasn't meant to be.

[Blossom33]

Blossom there are just some people who cannot tolerate outside platonic relationships, but there are others that do. You can love someone from the heart without sexual connection. I admire you for your kindness given to this person because he has very little to none of it. Your ex is on a different plane. He is insecure, possibly been cheated on, lied to, mistreated in past relationships....his soul in not a peace. There is no way he could ever be open minded, listen and understand that this world needs more loving relationships between your fellow man, even if it reaches out over oceans. Your ex has his values and expectations and you have yours. The only mistake you made was you didn't make the right choice with him. He wasn't wrong, and you were not wrong......it just wasn't meant to be.

 

Thank you for your words Smackie9. This makes sense to me.

I understand not everyone can get this concept. But I think you felt where I was coming from. Thank you.

Edited January 8, 2015 by Blossom33

[toscaroscura]

The fact that your BF won't even hear you out is a big red flag to me, assuming what you're saying is true and everything was on the up and up. It gives you a snapshot of how he will handle misunderstandings and disagreements in the future. Does he have a history of shutting down or giving you the silent treatment?

 

People who automatically assume the worst in others and operate in bad faith have no place in my life.

[Diezel]

I would love to see what the OP's response to the situation had been if the script was flipped.

 

People would be condemning the guy for texting a female for New Year's and whatever text he got in return saying that he should have no reason to have texted ANY other woman at the time and that he was probably lying and cheating.

[road]

Drifter when you are fleeing bombs that are destroying your home, sex is not the priority.

 

 

 

You came here asking if "I" did anything wrong. You did not want the truth. You only wanted to hear that you having an EA with your OM and breaking NC was not wrong.

 

 

And by the way. Men think about getting laid before the bombs. When they are getting bombed. And it is the first thing they want to do after the bombing is done.

[Spectre]

Blossom there are just some people who cannot tolerate outside platonic relationships, but there are others that do. You can love someone from the heart without sexual connection. I admire you for your kindness given to this person because he has very little to none of it. Your ex is on a different plane. He is insecure, possibly been cheated on, lied to, mistreated in past relationships....his soul in not a peace. There is no way he could ever be open minded, listen and understand that this world needs more loving relationships between your fellow man, even if it reaches out over oceans. Your ex has his values and expectations and you have yours. The only mistake you made was you didn't make the right choice with him. He wasn't wrong, and you were not wrong......it just wasn't meant to be.

 

This woman used to have romantic feelings for this guy. So do you really want to brush that off by saying "some can't handle platonic relationships". That line does not even apply to this specific scenario. If you want a more apt description it is this: "some can't tolerate relationships with dudes you used to be in love with and still talk about how demanding they are on your heart and suddenly decide to break no contact with for lame reasons".

[Davey L]

I tried to look at this as though it were my wife sending a message to a guy under these circumstances. I think I would have been OK-ish with it, if she had been open about it in advance. But if she didn't say anything and I saw the message I would have been concerned.

 

I think the problem is the lack of openness rather than the act itself.

[Clay]

If you were just friends with the guy then why did you stop talking to him? Did you bf ever tell you he was uncomfortable with you talking to this guy? Did you spend a great deal of time talking to him? I mean lets be honest from a outside view I have to agree with Specture and your BF. It sure does look like there is something more there than your willing to admit.

 

I disagree with the statement this was a platonic relationship. You might have felt that way but it does not mean the other guy felt that way. Your relationship started as romantic so at what point did you tell him I just want to be your friend and that is it?

 

Clay

[kendahke]

We had met almost 3 years ago and because of some extreme circumstances were never together and the relationship never developped. It was extreme as he had returned to his country of Syria where he faced mere survival and finally fled. Through everything we kept in touch, I felt loyal to him as friend and did what I could to support him morally. It was an intense and difficult experience and created a deep bond that remains, although it is not romantic. I can say I care for this person in a way that is hard to put into words. However I had moved on from any romantic attachment.

 

That does not speak of romantic anything.

 

I honestly do not see anything wrong in the way you proceeded. You had no romantic feelings for this guy. He was a friend who lived in a war-torn country who was not making any romantic gestures towards you nor you towards him.

 

So you're not allowed to have male friends who have been in your life longer than you've known this present guy?

 

I think that the guy you're with is a bit immature and quite insecure. He's not your husband--you're still getting to know him. I'd say be glad you found out this side of him before you got any more invested in him. If he can't tolerate you having friends of the opposite sex (and I'm not talking about ex lovers), then it's best to know now and cut him loose.

[Darren Steez]

This is not some mamby pamby we're just mates friendship. I think the OP articulated it well herself, this was very intense, even now she says they share a bond she can't explain.

 

Her boyfriend would have known that. The way she talked about him, the look in her face, her body language, she may have tried to hide it at times but there is no hiding that level of connection...and you just can't compete with that.

 

The point is..he can never compete with someone who has such an emotional bond over you. It hangs over the relationship like a spectre. So what happens? New Years, everyone is having fun and you go off to send this guy a text..and he sends one back. Your boyfriend might feel, the guy you were texting was on your mind all night, you couldn't wait to write to him..maybe when you sent it, you were anxiously holding your phone awaiting the reply? Maybe the look on your face when you read it? Either way the spectre became very real and he decided he just couldn't compete with it.

[Blossom33]

I admitted all the way that I may have mistakes in my handling of things, particularly clarity. And for that I m paying the price. It wasnt my intention, I though I had it handled but clearly it wasnt. Thats on me and I take responsibility for it.

 

However, this situation was extremely unique than any other Ive ever dealt with. For all of you quick to judge, I hope you never have to experience caring for someone in any way that is going through some type of devastation in their lives; war, violence, major life threatening illness or other tragedies. Its life and its complicated and its puts you in dilemmas you never could have imagined. In those moments we find different kinds of love for others that may not be categorized as simply platonic, but compassionate and even spiritual love.

 

Some of you will laugh and some will understand.

[Diezel]

Yep, definitely the reason for sending that guy the Happy New Year's text. Because bombing.

[Thicke2013]

Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. OP, your mistake in my opinion was keeping it from your bf. I, like others on here have said, tried to imagine this were my wife and I. She has several male friends. Some she has even went on group trips with. She works with a lot of guys. Not one time has she hidden a relationship with them. She has always been upfront and honest even when I was insecure. Thing is, we all have insecurities. In a relationship, it is our job to a reasonable extent to help our partners with those insecurities. By hiding this, your bf probably believes you have hidden other things and he isn't willing to be with someone who feels she has to hide things. Did you ever try to help your bf understand the relationship you had with this man? Openness of the messages that the two of you exchanged, if truly in a non-romantic nature could have helped him. There is no room in a committed relationship for a friendship you have to hide. Of course the tell-all in my book here is the content of the message that the friend sent you. I have a feeling that it was not platonic in nature, thus your bf's reaction. Will you share here what that message said?

[smackie9]

Yes I'm curious too. It probably said "Happy New year to you too! so how have you been? I missed you" ....so damning.

[TylerTyrone]

If you never told your bf, i would understand your bf. Just be honest here.

You hide the fact that you are still in contact with your ex lover and you admit you still have strong feelings for him. It raises suspicion, yes, you were practically cheating on him. At least that;s how he perceives it and he has probably felt it and suspected it long before you received that text on new years eve. Cut your losses here. You blew it! Move on! You may have lost his trust for good. If the tables were turned, you would not be posting here, you would understand.

 

TT

Edited January 10, 2015 by TylerTyrone

[harrybrown]

Honesty is important in relationships.

 

If you want the guy back, try sending him an honest email or letter spelling out the timeline of your relationship with the other man.

 

You can tell your b/f all of your honest feelings.

 

If you tried to hide the message at all, rather than share it with your b/f, he could see that you do have a bond with the other man. The flame has been burning longer than your time with your b/f.

 

If you want the b/f back enough, you may have to cut the earlier friend out of your life. Or if you have many messages sent, you could let your b/f see all of the messages.

 

Good luck on your decision.

[Winterina]

There is not a thing wrong with the way you feel or your actions.

Your boyfriend is exaggerating. I have an ex whom I feel the same about, care about him as a human being and nothing else. He helped me through some things in life as a person, and I can never forget it. Difference is that my boyfriend is not so insecure and can understand this. He does not perceive him as a threat and he is not. They met each other and we all went to a football game together. Like you, I have no feelings for this guy nor does he have feelings for me.

YOU did not do anything wrong. If he cannot understand your feelings and acknowledge that you have had life before him and there is nothing romantic there, then you do not need a guy like that. He will always need more and to control you. If you explained everything to him, do not try again. Let him be and find someone who will only look at him and care only for him and not anyone else in the world.

Find yourself a guy that does not need that much care as the Syrian guy and the guy that is not that selfish and insecure as your bf. You need someone to care for you too, acknowledge your feelings and trust you enough to not make a big effing deal out of nothing.