DarkAngel87 Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 I don’t know if anyone remembers but I had a thread a few weeks ago about my MM wanting to tell his wife about our affair and how he was planning to do after the holidays. Well I saw him today during we were able to talk for the first time since the holidays. It turns out he has confessed and his wife does know about our affair. As now he thinks they will try to work out their problems although he’s not sure. He didn’t really want about his problems at home but he told his wife wants to know who he the affair with and she asking him daily. He said he doesn’t plan to tell her but she has stared threating to kick him out if he doesn’t tell her about me. He promised me he would tell me before telling his wife about me. But I don’t really buy that. Know a lot of you guys told this would happen I guess you guys were right. I kind of don’t know what to do at this point. Part me wants to wait and see what happens but I’m kind of tired of waiting and having zero control over what’s going on. I feel I need to tell my husband and gain some kind control at least then I would know what’s going on but I’m so scared. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 I don’t know if anyone remembers but I had a thread a few weeks ago about my MM wanting to tell his wife about our affair and how he was planning to do after the holidays. Well I saw him today during we were able to talk for the first time since the holidays. It turns out he has confessed and his wife does know about our affair. As now he thinks they will try to work out their problems although he’s not sure. He didn’t really want about his problems at home but he told his wife wants to know who he the affair with and she asking him daily. He said he doesn’t plan to tell her but she has stared threating to kick him out if he doesn’t tell her about me. He promised me he would tell me before telling his wife about me. But I don’t really buy that. Know a lot of you guys told this would happen I guess you guys were right. I kind of don’t know what to do at this point. Part me wants to wait and see what happens but I’m kind of tired of waiting and having zero control over what’s going on. I feel I need to tell my husband and gain some kind control at least then I would know what’s going on but I’m so scared. If she is on him like that it is only a matter of time, I am afraid. Most BS's will tell you a confession comes off better with higher chance of reconciliation. I think at this point I would tell your husband. I hope it goes the way you want. Let us know. X 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 It's probably best if you tell your husband at this point... if she's threatening to kick him out, he's going to roll. Obviously your husband isn't going to appreciate hearing this piece of news at all, but it may give you a tiny bit of credibility if it comes from you first- and not if it comes in the form of a letter, phone call, or drop-in from the MM's wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 How are you planning on confessing to your husband? Are you seeing him soon? Probably not something to break over the phone but sounds like xMM BW will find out soon. Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 You need to tell him before she does. Your MM will tell his wife. He will fight it but you can not fix a marriage by protecting your AP. That is how his wife will see it. If you want to take control then tell your husband. It makes it much easier on him and you. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 It would be kinder for you to tell your husband personally. At least do that much for him. It will be much worse hearing it from somebody else. It's the price you have to pay sometimes. POppy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 You need to tell your H before he hears about it from the BS. Don't wait any longer, you have no control over MM's side but telling your H and whats happening in your M is your responsibility. This is going to be a tough one, sending your courage for this ((hugs)) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Does the BS know you personally? I'm not sure if "her" intentions are to tell your BS since I doubt she know you are married at all (unless her WH told her). Why not contact her yourself? Give her full disclosure (as much as she will believe you) of what she would like to know.... then you can tell your BS. The added, "I've also talked to the wife of the OM and gave her full disclosure, I'm done with the lies, I'm coming clean to all"! Or, talk to her and get your own sense of where she will go with this. Not all BS tell the OM/OW BS if the discover the A first. In fact many still feel they need to protect their WS from the reprocussions ie. WS/H is going to "kill" him. I'm sure it sucks living in this limbo. The reality is your OM confessed (I'm assuming he didn't get caught somehow) and ultimately that means he wants to R and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Again, my advice to you is to stop being reactive and start being proactive. A lot of us told you that this would happen. All you can do now is control the fallout by confessing. Not to be mean, but sadly, you are not confessing because you want to fix the issues in your marriage, you are doing it because chances are you are about to get caught. If your husband figures this out, he may not see your confession as sincere and also feel that you don't regret you cheating. I think the best way to minimize that is to also confess to the real reason your confessing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 I've often wondered how those conversations would go, someone in pain telling a totally clueless person that the life they have isn't what they believe it to be. While in my support group I heard stories. One that stuck with me was a BW tracked down a BH and said "you know that wh0re you call a wife has been F'ing my husband for 6 years and he thinks he may have fathered your children". Wow, how do you come back from that? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 In fact many still feel they need to protect their WS from the reprocussions ie. WS/H is going to "kill" him. This is a good point. But given that the BW is threatening to kick him out if he doesn't tell her who the AP is, it doesn't sound like she's the type to be protective. Even less likely if he continues to resist. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Definitely confess before the BW tells him and you know she will. Another idea is for you and the MM to take this time to finally be together. Both of you confess, move out and move in with each other so you no longer have to cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
cozycottagelg Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Are you 100% sure that he actually told her? Is he possibly just saying that to end the affair? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 (edited) i suggest you tell your husband ASAP and quit your job if at all possible; at least start looking for another job. you're working on borrowed time here. Edited January 8, 2015 by Artie Lang Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Dark Angel, The only ability to damage control you have here is to tell your husband. By controlling the message, you control the timing, the setting and you get the opportunity to express what you'd like the outcome of telling to be (to work on your marriage, to stay together, to divorce, etc.) If you wait for someone else to tell your husband to buy yourself more "time," you've lost control of the message. At that point, your husband may not care about what outcome you'd like. He may not be willing to listen at all. Further, consider this. What I've read numerous times from BS's is that more than the betrayal of the affair, the lies and dishonesty are just as hurtful. YOU have the opportunity to minimize some of your damage and some of your husband's hurt by simply coming clean. Then, you are being honest. It says so much. It says that as hard as it was, you finally respected him enough to tell him one of the most intimate details about his own life than to let a virtual stranger do that for him. Be kind. Be honest and tell him. I also think it will make you feel so much better about yourself. Yes, there will be tons of pain for you both to go through but it will be honest pain. No sward of Damacles over your head. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 She's still angry at her husband, her world must be reeling but be warned her ire will soon turn on you, who you are, if you're married then revenge. It may not happen now or in a week but she will search your husband out and meanwhile you're living everyday wondering if this is the day when your husband comes home and he has been told..or the phone rings at home 1 Link to post Share on other sites
irishguy Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 His wife wont let this go and if he wants to work on the marriage he will tell her ,like everyone here agrees she will want revenge , she will want to ruin your life . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lizzygirl Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 The reason you have no control is that this situation is so wrong and so messed up to start with. Control comes from doing the right thing. Not trying to bash. There is no control in cheating though, by its very nature. Tell your husband all that has happened. Total transparency. See where you two are and work on your marriage and put all this other behind you. If you don't tell him, you will stay in that constant feeling out of control state. Or leave your husband. Either way, you get control over your life back and you don't have to live in constant fear and confusion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Definitely confess before the BW tells him and you know she will. Another idea is for you and the MM to take this time to finally be together. Both of you confess, move out and move in with each other so you no longer have to cheat. The affair is over. This was in her last thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarkAngel87 Posted January 9, 2015 Author Share Posted January 9, 2015 How are you planning on confessing to your husband? Are you seeing him soon? Probably not something to break over the phone but sounds like xMM BW will find out soon. If I do tell him I don’t know how I would do it. The next time I would see him is probably for his birthday in March so that not a great time either and doing by phone is worst way to do it. I’m still trying to figure all of this out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DarkAngel87 Posted January 9, 2015 Author Share Posted January 9, 2015 It's probably best if you tell your husband at this point... if she's threatening to kick him out, he's going to roll. Obviously your husband isn't going to appreciate hearing this piece of news at all, but it may give you a tiny bit of credibility if it comes from you first- and not if it comes in the form of a letter, phone call, or drop-in from the MM's wife. I know it’s just a matter of time before he tells his wife about me. I kind of figured that out during our last conversation. At this point my husband is going to find out sooner or later that pretty much a given now too many people know about our affair now. Confessing seems like the only really option I have because the last thing I want is for him to hear about the affair from someone else. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 If I do tell him I don’t know how I would do it. The next time I would see him is probably for his birthday in March so that not a great time either and doing by phone is worst way to do it. I’m still trying to figure all of this out. Would it be better for him to find out from her via phone? OM will roll, you don't really have anymore time to figure it out. Unless you would rather her tell. I just get the feeling you think even if she tells you can talk your way out of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 If I do tell him I don’t know how I wou it. The next time I would see him is probably for his birthday in March so that not a great time either and doing by phone is worst way to do it. I’m still trying to figure all of this out. Yes you do. Tell him the truth. You will be liberated and it's what you have always wanted to say and now you have to. You have been running from this moment before you started your affair. It will not be as bad as you imagine. You will feel lighter and will for the first time in a long time breath standing in truth. Trust, tell him the truth and let it free you. Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 You know the wife wont wait until March? Just bite the bullet...I told you on your last thread... now its about damage control. As it stands your husband is probably going to find out the only reason you are telling is because you're going to be ousted anyway. You don't want to look like a complete coward, do you? Big girl panties time. The best you can hope for is that its all out, and told by you, that you can demonstrate true remorse and do what he needs. Damage control. It means taking your integrity back now and not be the person you have been recently. Commit to honesty from this point on. Because you can't change the past, and at this point you can't really control your future. Time to turn over a new leaf and hope for the best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 Can you fly to your husband for the weekend? This news really needs to be delivered face to face. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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