Should the guys always pay for their girlfriend

[ktya]

Early on in the dating process, the guy should always pay. After all, your trying to make your date feel special. When you become a couple, it's nice when the woman picks up the bill once in a while. It makes you feel good and it helps with the expense.

 

A woman offering to pay on the first date is obviously not a good sign.

 

Ive been dating a girl for about a year who insisted on paying half on the first date. One of the best girls ive ever dated. She doesnt want me to spend money on her and has no problem just hanging out at my house or going for a stroll.

[insert_name]

Yes, of course the guy should always be the one to pay! That's just the right thing to do. Man, when I think of the amount of debt that I've accumulated on my past girlfriends.... Sure it sucks to be broke, but that's just the way it goes.

 

 

So you are happy to pay for a female's company? As that is what it amounts to. Too much pedalisation there. Men only paid for women in the past because they had no access to money, so that was understandable. Women often earn more than men these days so it has become an outdated concept and when they earn more than you it literally comes down to paying to spend time with them. If thats how you roll then fine but there is certainly no shame in a man having confidence in his own company and time being just as valuable as that of a womans.

[Got it]

Guys: Do you usually paid when you go out w your gf? Ex, dinner, vacation/travel, movie etc..

Ladies: Do you think the bf is cheap, if he doesn't paid when you hang out..

Overall: who should pay the bill? Guys? Ladies? 50/50? Rotating?

 

I am, and have been, big on 50/50 or back and forth. Even now, when married, we take turns "paying" even though it does come from the same shared pool of monies. It is about taking the lead and taking care of the other person.

[MissBee]

Within the context of a relationship, no I don't think one person is required to ALWAYS pay.

 

In most of my relationships my boyfriends have tended to make more than I do so would tend to pay more often, plus they tended to feel more comfortable in the provider role, but I also paid many times, especially when I orchestrated the date and I never just sat back and expected them to always pay.

 

I don't believe 50/50 is automatically the right break down esp where incomes are not equal. Of course if you live together you have to negotiate how bills will be paid and break it down based on what makes sense financially for both people; but, in dating I don't keep an accurate track of whether or not things are exactly 50/50 and it's never been an issue. One thing I've never done is go out to dinner, movies, any other event and split things 50/50 or go dutch, we're not friends. I find it tacky. What happens usually is if my bf is paying he pays for the whole thing and if I'm picking up the tab this time then I pay for it. But we don't both pull out our cards and ask them to split it neither do we count out half of the money, we just do it on an alternating basis. Generosity of spirit is what I expect and exhibit in my relationships. That means neither of us are sitting around calculating who paid more and counting everything to the last penny because we're both generous and treat each other and do other non-monetary things for each other enough so that no one feels slighted. But to be with a cheap man: i.e. one who is miserly, always counting pennies, always trying to make sure everything is split 50/50, if I ask for $5 for coffee if I have no change he sends me the bill next week about it and stuff like that, NO WAY! I can't be with someone who is like that.

Edited January 12, 2015 by MissBee

[clevelander321]

That's another interesting excuse.. "men make more money"

 

So, when girls go out with their girlfriends, does the highest earner always pay? I am guessing not..

[Got it]

That's another interesting excuse.. "men make more money"

 

So, when girls go out with their girlfriends, does the highest earner always pay? I am guessing not..

 

I do tend to pay more especially with friends that I know we have a major difference in disposable income. I have also paid for more expensive ventures with them because I want to do it with them and know they can't afford it.

 

Do I pay all the time? No. But yes because I want us to enjoy things and want to spend time with them.

 

But I also have no issues paying for men either. Money isn't a big deal, to me, and who pays doesn't matter. Actually, strike that, I prefer to pay as there is a little bit of a power play with money. So actually I am more comfortable paying.

 

And, bottom line, I can afford to so why not?

 

I will say not all men are comfortable with this and it throws them for a loop when the woman pays. I have men really get uncomfortable because they didn't know what to do with themselves if that was changed.

[sillyanswer]

Guys: Do you usually paid when you go out w your gf? Ex, dinner, vacation/travel, movie etc..

Ladies: Do you think the bf is cheap, if he doesn't paid when you hang out..

Overall: who should pay the bill? Guys? Ladies? 50/50? Rotating?

 

Since you're talking about a hypothetical "girlfriend" rather than just a date I'm going to say that some sort of equitable division of costs is appropriate. That division might be equal, but it might not as factors such as ability to pay should also be considered.

 

I think life is too short to worry about who pays once you're in a relationship (and I don't think it's especially important before that, although I know some people get excited about it). I'd rather be thinking about whether the food was good or whether I enjoyed the opera than worrying about who is paying the bill.

[thefooloftheyear]

I do tend to pay more especially with friends that I know we have a major difference in disposable income. I have also paid for more expensive ventures with them because I want to do it with them and know they can't afford it.

 

Do I pay all the time? No. But yes because I want us to enjoy things and want to spend time with them.

 

But I also have no issues paying for men either. Money isn't a big deal, to me, and who pays doesn't matter. Actually, strike that, I prefer to pay as there is a little bit of a power play with money. So actually I am more comfortable paying.

 

And, bottom line, I can afford to so why not?

 

I will say not all men are comfortable with this and it throws them for a loop when the woman pays. I have men really get uncomfortable because they didn't know what to do with themselves if that was changed.

 

This is pretty much my deal....

 

In the context of a relationship, I'd feel ridiculous(especially if I know makes way less than me), insists on paying..I make solid money now, but even when I didnt, i expected to pay...I have absolutely no issue with it..Its not about control, just the gentlemanly thing to do..As much as that seems so unpopular on these boards..

 

 

As for my buddies?? Eff them...They pay for their own shyt...Im not their mother...

 

TFY

[Got it]

This is pretty much my deal....

 

In the context of a relationship, I'd feel ridiculous(especially if I know makes way less than me), insists on paying..I make solid money now, but even when I didnt, i expected to pay...I have absolutely no issue with it..Its not about control, just the gentlemanly thing to do..As much as that seems so unpopular on these boards..

 

 

As for my buddies?? Eff them...They pay for their own shyt...Im not their mother...

 

TFY

 

Yep, I don't think it is a big deal. My "belief" is the person who asks out plans to pay, the other party offers (if/when they mean it) and the first party can say okay or decline or offer another get together that they can run with.

 

It is just a fluid back and forth that hasn't been a major deal. Some guys are old fashion and want to pay, which is fine, but usually we different in other ways (conservative/liberal) that we are better platonic. But whatever.

 

I think for both parties, say what you mean and mean what you say. So no games, no saying yes but mean no, etc. Just be honest and lay it out there and the right person will flow right in agreement.

 

As a man, yes, I would see it as a red flag if a woman flatly refused to pay but that is a woman thinking as a man. I see that as too needy for me. But I like me some independent a$$. :laugh:

[MissBee]

That's another interesting excuse.. "men make more money"

 

So, when girls go out with their girlfriends, does the highest earner always pay? I am guessing not..

 

This doesn't even make sense.

 

The way people interact with their friends and their romantic partner is evidently not the same so how can the two be compared?

 

Shall we go down the list of all the things one does with a romantic partner or expects from them that one doesn't do with or expect from a friend?

 

My friends and I do treat each other from time to time though, but most of my friends and I make similar amounts of money so there isn't a comparison, but my sister for example I make a lot more than her and when we go out to do stuff I want to do or I want her to go on a trip with me that she can't afford I tend to pay most of the time or pay for the more expensive parts and she'll cover the negligible stuff.

Edited January 12, 2015 by MissBee

[clevelander321]

This doesn't even make sense.

 

The way people interact with their friends and their romantic partner is evidently not the same so how can the two be compared?

 

Shall we go down the list of all the things one does with a romantic partner or expects from them that one doesn't do with or expect from a friend?

 

 

 

Yes, go ahead.. Tell me why, if a man and woman are both employed and in a relationship, why the man should pay for everything.. Or almost everything..What is the difference between a romantic relationship and a friendship?

[Got it]

Yes, go ahead.. Tell me why, if a man and woman are both employed and in a relationship, why the man should pay for everything.. Or almost everything..What is the difference between a romantic relationship and a friendship?

 

Listen, it is an arrangement between the two parties. If they are fine with it, why does anyone else care? If one party isn't okay with it then push for change, compromise, or end the relationship.

 

You aren't wrong. Miss Bee isn't wrong. Why does there need to be a right or wrong with this? It is about preference.

[clevelander321]

Listen, it is an arrangement between the two parties. If they are fine with it, why does anyone else care? If one party isn't okay with it then push for change, compromise, or end the relationship.

 

You aren't wrong. Miss Bee isn't wrong. Why does there need to be a right or wrong with this? It is about preference.

 

I think in real life, outside of message boards, there is a lot of pressure on men to pay for everything.. Especially if the woman is attractive.

 

I guess it would be like if I started a thread "men, should your wife or gf do all of the cleaning?" I am sure many women on here would chime in and disagree.

 

I would like to see a shift where paying 50/50 becomes common place.. It only seems fair in today's world..

[MissBee]

Yes, go ahead.. Tell me why, if a man and woman are both employed and in a relationship, why the man should pay for everything.. Or almost everything..What is the difference between a romantic relationship and a friendship?

 

At what point did I say this? Please see my initial response to the thread which already stated my feelings on that which aren't anything you've suggested.

 

I'm responding to your comparison with friendship and pointing out that it's a bit absurd to compare how people conduct their romantic relationships and friendships, it's a poor comparison as by definition they are different situations with different dynamics.

 

If you don't see how romantic relationships differ from friendships, not sure what to tell you about that. To me the difference is obvious. There may be some overlap but generally, most adults don't need to have someone explain what is a friendship and what is a romantic relationship.

 

And clevelander I'm not sure who you're arguing with as I, and most other women in the thread, have NOT at all said a man should pay for everything.

Edited January 12, 2015 by MissBee

[Rejected Rosebud]

I feel the "Who asks should pay" is more or less an excuse to just say "The man should pay".

 

When a girl phones her friends of the same sex and says "hey let's grab a beer", I never heard of that meaning that girl must now pay for all of her girlfriends because she did the asking.. It is quite silly.

 

Those things are not the same! If somebody asks somebody else out on a date, they are trying to show interest in that person on PURPOSE. It is a good idea to extend that to planning and paying, and yes this does usually translate to a guy paying since traditionally a guy is asking, but I believe it holds true if a girl does the asking too. Once people are in a relationship all bets are off how they will deal with who pays for what but I don't have any friends where that's the guy's job just because he's … a guy!

[clevelander321]

Those things are not the same! If somebody asks somebody else out on a date, they are trying to show interest in that person on PURPOSE. It is a good idea to extend that to planning and paying, and yes this does usually translate to a guy paying since traditionally a guy is asking, but I believe it holds true if a girl does the asking too. Once people are in a relationship all bets are off how they will deal with who pays for what but I don't have any friends where that's the guy's job just because he's … a guy!

 

Well, girls never ask.. Let's be honest.. And once again, who asks seems to only extend to when sex is involved, or the possibility of it..

 

And this thread is about being boyfriend girlfriend.. Not just a date.. So this extends to vacations, shopping, eating out, groceries, etc etc..Possibly even living together.

 

I have personally never known a guy where the woman pays half.. I have never been with a woman who pays half.. So if this exists then great..I only seem to hear about it on message boards.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I have personally never known a guy where the woman pays half.. I have never been with a woman who pays half.. So if this exists then great..I only seem to hear about it on message boards.

I swear I don't even know one couple where the guy pays everything. Oh wait one, they have a 2 year old and a newborn. The situation is not permanent. Usually it's not 50/50. Usually it just kind of figures itself out; generally the person who earns more $$ pays for more of the stuff. Seriously it's funny that you say outside of message boards men pay for everything, because from my POV it's ONLY on message boards where guys are concerned about paying everything!! Maybe it's a west coast thing!

[clevelander321]

I swear I don't even know one couple where the guy pays everything. Oh wait one, they have a 2 year old and a newborn. The situation is not permanent. Usually it's not 50/50. Usually it just kind of figures itself out; generally the person who earns more $$ pays for more of the stuff. Seriously it's funny that you say outside of message boards men pay for everything, because from my POV it's ONLY on message boards where guys are concerned about paying everything!! Maybe it's a west coast thing!

 

 

Lol, possibly.. I guess in real life women usually settle down with a guy who makes more than them, which by default means he pays..

 

If you asked my ex wife she would have said she was the provider.. I added up what she spent, in 5 years it was about $1500, compared to my $250,000. But the few times she actually bought groceries scarred her so much that I think she really thought she was "providing" for her family.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Well, girls never ask.. Let's be honest.. And once again, who asks seems to only extend to when sex is involved, or the possibility of it..

 

??? You just contradicted yourself a lot didn't you? The possibility of sex is not much like girlfriends making plans together at least not in my circle of friends! I did acknowledge in my post that I'm aware guys usually do the asking - well, I just believe that a person who wants to start something romantic or sexy with another person should probably be ready to pay if they ask the person out, what's wrong with that anyway? I don't really see the problem. If a guy is expected to pay for everything he does with his established girlfriend or wife, unless he really really wants to, I DO see a problem with!!

[Rejected Rosebud]

If you asked my ex wife she would have said she was the provider.. I added up what she spent, in 5 years it was about $1500, compared to my $250,000. But the few times she actually bought groceries scarred her so much that I think she really thought she was "providing" for her family.

I'd like to get the two of you in a room and hear you each tell your side of this! Also FYI around me the women make more than their guys in at least half the cases. In my case, though, he makes a lot more than me. He also pays for more than half of the stuff we do. Why? He wants to. Also he likes to do fancy stuff and if I was to pay half we couldn't do it together. Anyway he has no issues about sharing what he has.

[clevelander321]

I'd like to get the two of you in a room and hear you each tell your side of this! Also FYI around me the women make more than their guys in at least half the cases. In my case, though, he makes a lot more than me. He also pays for more than half of the stuff we do. Why? He wants to. Also he likes to do fancy stuff and if I was to pay half we couldn't do it together. Anyway he has no issues about sharing what he has.

 

 

Ok, so I am guessing most of these women pay for more of the dates and bills.. I am sure they must as they adhere to the "Who makes more pays" rule..

[MissBee]

I swear I don't even know one couple where the guy pays everything. Oh wait one, they have a 2 year old and a newborn. The situation is not permanent. Usually it's not 50/50. Usually it just kind of figures itself out; generally the person who earns more $$ pays for more of the stuff. Seriously it's funny that you say outside of message boards men pay for everything, because from my POV it's ONLY on message boards where guys are concerned about paying everything!! Maybe it's a west coast thing!

 

This!!!

 

In my actual relationships this hasn't been anything we've ever even discussed. I've had no relationship where the guy has paid for everything. I've always contributed and things just worked themselves out in an organic manner. Most of them made more than me (in most of my relationships I was a student making a stipend or with a PT job and they already had a full time career with a salary) so didn't mind assuming more of the costs of things because it made more sense and wasn't setting them back a ton. Mind you, I've never had a boyfriend pay for my rent, my phone bill, credit cards, or finance my life...we're talking about paying for dates and outings. I'd make a guess that they paid a bit more than I did because they were more established but it wasn't by a landslide or where they felt taken advantage of.

 

I'm not going to date a man who makes this issue a crusade. It hasn't come up in any of my relationships but if one is so passionate about ALWAYS going dutch there are women (even in this thread) who agree...which is again why I'm confused about who clevelander is arguing with since almost no woman who responded said that yes they expect a man to ALWAYS pay.

 

And to reiterate, relationships aren't a business partnership so things do not always need to be 50/50 (not that in business partnerships that is even necessarily the breakdown either), in fact outside of finances relationships are almost never 50/50, as people bring different skills and resources to the table. There are other non-monetary things in a relationship and other things folks bring to the table which are valued differently and it's not just about calculating dollars and cents. One example in my last relationship was that my ex NEVER cooked...ever. At least 3 times a week I would cook us dinners and sometimes they were elaborate meals that required lots of ingredients. I bought the ingredients and took the time to prepare meals. He probably paid for more dinners out than I did...but I cooked more than he did (given he never cooked) and it's not like I asked him to pay me half of my grocery bill every time I made dinner, breakfast or lunch. Whole Foods is the closest grocery store to me so I tend to shop there more often than not and that place isn't cheap and it adds up lol. So if I really wanted to calculate monies spent, I could add the money I spent on groceries and cooking, I often made him lunches to take to work too, so all that could have evened it out. But of course, I don't view the relationship as something to be tallied up and never thought of it. But that's just one example of where I was spending money as well as doing something meaningful in our relationship where it doesn't get calculated because it's not us going out and paying a bill (but someone still had to but the food) and where it was not 50/50 as my ex couldn't cook.

Edited January 13, 2015 by MissBee

[clevelander321]

In real life who starts paying for dates generally pays for everything throughout the relationship.. That has been my experience and the experience of almost every man I have ever known. Also interesting how men and women view who pays so much different.. 84% to 58%.

 

Once you start paying for all dates then switch, the woman will start to feel taken for granted, unappreciated etc.. Lots of ties between sex and money.

 

Men <em>Still</em> Paying For Dates ... And Women Are Partly Responsible

 

New research presented at the American Sociological Association's annual meeting this week found that 84 percent of men and 58 percent of women say men pay for most entertainment expenses -- even after they have been dating for some time.

 

The researchers argue that it is important to look at who pays for dates because, in many cases, the initial arrangement persists as the relationship progresses. Men who pay for dates early on may continue to serve as the sole providers as the relationship unfolds, although no formal research has looked at that before, said Frederick.

[MissBee]

In real life who starts paying for dates generally pays for everything throughout the relationship.. That has been my experience and the experience of almost every man I have ever known. Also interesting how men and women view who pays so much different.. 84% to 58%.

Once you start paying for all dates then switch, the woman will start to feel taken for granted, unappreciated etc.. Lots of ties between sex and money.

 

Men <em>Still</em> Paying For Dates ... And Women Are Partly Responsible

 

New research presented at the American Sociological Association's annual meeting this week found that 84 percent of men and 58 percent of women say men pay for most entertainment expenses -- even after they have been dating for some time.

 

The researchers argue that it is important to look at who pays for dates because, in many cases, the initial arrangement persists as the relationship progresses. Men who pay for dates early on may continue to serve as the sole providers as the relationship unfolds, although no formal research has looked at that before, said Frederick.

 

*sigh*

 

Please quote the person(s) who you're arguing with who stated that men should pay for ALL things or everything? I'm really not understanding who exactly you're arguing with, so a quote from the individual(s) in the thread who said this would be helpful because as far as I've read no one here said yes a man should always pay or pay for all things.

 

The article you posted states that no research has been done to show that men who pay for dates early on continue to serve as sole providers. It says it MAY happen but that no research has been done to prove this.

 

It also says what most of us have said here which is:

 

As relationships develop, many men and women expect a more egalitarian split: 75 percent of men and 83 percent of women said they shared expenses by the time they'd been dating for six months. "On the first few dates, I usually expect to pay for everything because I think it shows strong dependable commitment," one male respondent said. "Then if everything works out, I expect my partner to take some responsibility."

 

That quote sums up what MOST of the people in this thread have said so I'm not sure who or what you're arguing with or about.

Edited January 13, 2015 by MissBee

[clevelander321]

*sigh*

 

Please quote the person(s) who you're arguing with who stated that men should pay for ALL things or everything? I'm really not understanding who exactly you're arguing with, so a quote from the individual(s) in the thread who said this would be helpful because as far as I've read no one here said yes a man should always pay or pay for all things.

 

The article you posted states that no research has been done to show that men who pay for dates early on continue to serve as sole providers. It says it MAY happen but that no research has been done to prove this.

 

It also says what most of us have said here which is:

 

]As relationships develop, many men and women expect a more egalitarian split: 75 percent of men and 83 percent of women said they shared expenses by the time they'd been dating for six months. "On the first few dates, I usually expect to pay for everything because I think it shows strong dependable commitment," one male respondent said. "Then if everything works out, I expect my partner to take some responsibility."[/b]

 

That quote sums up what MOST of the people in this thread have said so I'm not sure who or what you're arguing with or about.

 

 

Ok, you have your truth, I have mine.. I simply have not come across attractive girls who pay half. 84% of surveyed men still pay for most entertainment expenses after dating a long time as well, so i am not alone.

 

This was humorous as well.. The fake real slow pull for the wallet, lol..

 

Fifty-seven percent of women claimed they had offered to pay for a date -- although 39 per cent confessed they hoped the man would reject their offer to chip in.

Edited January 13, 2015 by clevelander321