LoveMyCat Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 ...because my husband and I separated last month (after 20 years of marriage, 22 years together, no kids) and I am not depressed. I am sad that our marriage went wrong after so many good years (at least 18/20 were good) but not feeling devastated. No affairs on either side...just general unhappiness. We both agreed that we might be better off apart, and so far, we have just communicated a bit by email, all has been cordial. I am kind of surprised that he has not been in touch, really, as I thought, and kind of feared, that he might regret asking me to move out. But then I moved so quickly, and without really questioning him, that he must have realized I had been waiting for the word. I had not wanted to be the one to make the first move, as he has had a very tough last few years, mentally and physically. So I admit, I was relieved, if surprised, that he actually said (well, wrote, in an email) the words. I looked at apartments the next day and had moved in within four days of his email. I am ready to start the process of legally ending the marriage, or at least getting legally separated, which is as option in this state and is basically identical to a divorce except neither can remarry, and one spouse can cover the other on insurance if necessary. You still do all of the division of money and property and finalize it all, except for the actual ending of the marriage. I plan to do whichever he is more comfortable with, and am only in a bit of a hurry at all because of the fact of living in a community property state; I am uncertain as to how he will do at paying the bills. I always did that and he tends to procrastinate. I don't want to end up being responsible for bills on the house, mortgage, utilities, etc. I did sent him a detailed email early on, letting him know which bills he would now have to pay and when, and how much he could expect to pay. He thanked me for the information but said little else. I met with a lawyer and explained that I really don't want much, if any, more than half of any profit from the house, which he intends to put up for sale sometime this year. He already told me he would split this with me. Of course, the lawyer thinks I should not be so hasty, as my income is fixed, but my husband had been just so unhappy these past few years, a lot of it from his job, and he can finally retire this year. I want him to have some happy, relaxed years. I know I can manage on a tight budget. Also, in this state spousal support is never a "closed" issue, so if I refuse it now, I could ask for help later on, if he were to have a lucrative second career or I really could not manage on my own. Anyway, I kind of got off on a tangent here. I guess I must have really been ready to be on my own, as I love my new apartment, coming and going on my schedule (he worked graveyard all through our marriage-very disruptive and difficult for both of us) and just being alone, knowing that I am not responsible for his moods, trying to cheer him up or even avoid him, afraid I would wake him, if by chance he finally fell asleep, and much more. Maybe I will have a delayed reaction? And go through a period of mourning our old life, at some point. My main concern now if to get through the legalities without hurt feelings if at all possible. But that may be unrealistic. I guess I am wondering if anyone else has had feelings of relief, rather than despair, and if it is even possible to hope to be able end a long marriage without us ending up hating one another. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 I guess I am wondering if anyone else has had feelings of relief, rather than despair, and if it is even possible to hope to be able end a long marriage without us ending up hating one another. Is there a reason you didn't explore MC or some other means to salvage your relationship? Lots of equity in 20 years together... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveMyCat Posted January 8, 2015 Author Share Posted January 8, 2015 Is there a reason you didn't explore MC or some other means to salvage your relationship? Lots of equity in 20 years together... Mr. Lucky Yes, it has to do with some mental/emotional issues my husband had developed, which turned into a bizarre sort of paranoia that I had been out "running around" at night in bars and he admitted he could not make himself believe otherwise. Even though logically, he had to know better. I have been disabled by chronic pain/nerve damage/arthritis for the past few years and barely leave the house, barely drive at all and can't see to drive at night. Even though he texted and emailed me every hour from work and I was always there, ready to go tape a show for him or whatever he requested. He claimed his friends/coworkers told him all this. I asked him why they hadn't taken a picture of me by now, if I was "out" in bars all the time. I offered to confront these guys. This was going on for past two years. My husband admitted that I was far more trustworthy than any of them, but that once it was in his head, he could not get it out. He finally said it was just too overwhelming for him. He had been seeing a therapist about this, but it did not help. He would not let me attend with him. To me, it seemed liked he had decided he wanted out of the marriage and this was his "reason". It was making me crazy, too, to be unable to "prove" this negative. He often drove all the way home for his lunch break at 10pm or so, to "surprise" me and of course, I was always right there where he left me, with my head in a book. You are right, and I do not mean to dismiss this lengthy relationship so lightly...but I had been worn down by his accusations and his unhappiness, and frustrated by my helplessness in trying to help him. He missed weeks and weeks of work at a time, and claimed this situation was the reason. That he was a laughing stock. I can't figure out, to this day, if this was really happening (these taunts from guys at work-who don't know me from Adam, in any case) or if the whole thing was entirely in his mind. Anyway...his physical health was breaking down too and he was near collapse. I think it must have been a great relief to him when I left. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Makes sense. And I'm sure not living with that drama everyday is a relief to you. He sounds mentally ill, perhaps clinically so. Does his paranoia manifest in other ways or relationships? Does he have friends/family to help him? Having worn you down, sounds as though he may be isolated at a time when he needs assistance... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveMyCat Posted January 8, 2015 Author Share Posted January 8, 2015 Makes sense. And I'm sure not living with that drama everyday is a relief to you. He sounds mentally ill, perhaps clinically so. Does his paranoia manifest in other ways or relationships? Does he have friends/family to help him? Having worn you down, sounds as though he may be isolated at a time when he needs assistance... Mr. Lucky I am concerned about him being isolated. That is why I hope we can remain on cordial terms. He has a sister locally and is quite close to other family, though they live elsewhere. Hope he will make use of them. Link to post Share on other sites
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