New to the forum! Break up question..

[Superkitty]

Hi everyone! I'm new to this forum I've been checking this out for a few weeks now and I finally signed up. :-)

I was wondering if you could be so kind to give me some advice. I have been dating this guy for two and a half years and he has told me 3 weeks ago that he loves me but he can't be with me right now.

well to start off I should tell you that I'm a single mom with two little girls 3 & 5 I'm 35 years old. I went through a divorce 4 years ago after my husband left me for another Married woman while I was pregnant :-) anyways lots of therapy and healing and now we actually have happy family

 

A year and a half after my divorce I met my boyfriend. We had a lovely relationship and took things very slow. I waited nine months before introducing him to my kids. They love him :-) anyways I felt after a while things were just staying in the dating zone and I really wanted things to progress. My boyfriend being 33 believe it or not I was his first girlfriend in over 10 years. He is a horrible mix of introvert shy and picky.

 

I asked him to move in with us and he was okay with it at first but then I think he panicked and told me that he wasn't ready yet.. I think I became insecure with our relationship after. Basically thinking that he was going to leave in the long run anyway, I convinced myself with a few unimportant things that I need to end it. This is what I did it the summer. Two days later I realized I made a huge mistak. I Tried to work it out with him but he told me he needed his time and space to think.I panicked and didn't give him enough space yes I know silly me. I would give him a week and then contact him and then another week and then contact him eventually we tried to work it out again and it just never seemEdto be the same.

 

By the end of our relationship I was starting to wonder if he was depressed. I was trying to give him as much love as I possibly could but it seems that that was the last thing he wanted and all he was doing was pushing me away I didn't know if I should be helping him with depression or listening and leaving.

 

anyways three weeks ago he finally told me that he loveS me and he knows he wants to be with me but he just can't be with me right now and needs time to think and clear his brain. He is extremely confused.Ialso know he is dealing with big questions to do with his entire life right now. He needs to have a career and because right now he really has nothing other unfulfilling job. I'm sure he's thinking of my kids as well! Anyways I listened. I've been giving him 3 weeks now Of silence I did send him one email two weeks after we split up just apologizing for my part in explaining why I ended things in summer. But I did not seemed needy whatsoever, Gavehim love and set him free.

 

I'm finding this very difficult. I'm having waves of sadness come over me millions of anger. Wouldn't he just be with me if he loves me? Did I ruin things by ending it in the summer.?why do things have to be so complicated?what kind of impression do you get from this? Thank you in advance.

Edited January 8, 2015 by Superkitty

[newlyborn]

were you spending the majority of your time doing romantic things as a couple or child-friendly things as a family? given your recent divorce and the relatively young ages of your children, do you think he felt some pressure to join an instant family? to replace the ex-husband/dad who'd left in such a horrid way?

 

i think the fact that you asked him to move in with you and your girls may have made him feel that way.

[Erik30]

I think I'm a little bit like your boyfriend, so maybe I can explain some of his behaviour.

Things seemed to be going really slow and staying in the dating zone because he doesn't know any better, and he probably lacks a lot of dating expierence. I'm sure he thinks nothing was wrong in the relationship at that point.

 

I guess everything was going too fast for him after you asked him to move in. He probably began to realize that he would be getting an instant family. He might feel like he's not ready yet to settle down with someone, and having to provide for a family. He's still trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life, like you said about his career.

 

I don't think you did anything wrong. It's just that he might not be ready for having a serious relationship with anyone right now.

[idoltree]

Are you sure you aren't mistaking emotional unavailability for introversion?

 

It could be that things went too quickly for him and he needs to adjust, or it could be that what he's actually avoiding is intimacy, and moving in with you meant he feared being trapped.

 

Having this guy be single for so long and not comfortable with moving forward may be a signal that he's a poor prospect for commitment. This can co-exist with being an introvert and needing his space and alone time. Make sure you know the difference. I'd hate you to overlook red flags because you're attributing it all to introversion.

 

You're doing the best thing you can do by giving him plenty of space and letting him gain an idea of how you fit into his life by being totally absent from it. Don't be tempted to contact him; he hasn't forgotten you.

 

At the same time, decide how long YOU can live in this limbo. If he's still silent and it no longer works for you, you may have to chalk it up to a loss and call an end to it yourself.

[anika99]

I'm wondering why you said "dumped by my introvert" in your title instead of calling him your bf or your exbf? My introvert is just an odd way of identifying someone. I don't call people my introvert or my extrovert. Possibly you identified him that way because you are blaming his introversion for the break up instead of him. I'm heavily introverted myself but that has never stopped me from moving forward in a relationship when I've been madly in love.

 

 

That being said, I think you should move on. You have been seeing the guy for almost 3 years. That's plenty of time for him to know if he wants to commit to you or not. In my opinion when someone is still waffling after that much time it's because they want to keep their options open. I'm sure he does love you but not in the way that will lead to commitment or marriage. If you want more then you are wasting your time with this guy.

[Jenmarie]

I don't think you should think so black and white with this situation. "If he loves me, wouldn't he be with me?" Not necessarily. Think about it. You're the first girlfriend he has had in 10 years. This is very overwhelming and new to him. Men generally do some sort of pull back in a relationship. My boyfriend and I (we've been together for three years), had a situation where he needed space and needed to clear his head as well. I gave him PLENTY of space. I didn't talk to him until he was ready to talk to me. I focused on myself, and made myself independent and happy. I told myself, if he wants it, he'll come get it. Nothing will stop a man from that. I think you should have this mindset too.

 

This is a new situation for him and it can be really tough for him to clear out his emotions. It's been ten years and this is really not something he is used to. The moving in question was probably overwhelming for him too. Not because of you or your kids, but because he has spent the last ten years single and he has been on his own for a long time. Change is quite overwhelming for anyone. So, it's understandable he needs space to clear his head. Falling in love can make him feel vulnerable, so he'll try to pull back in order to not lose himself. Men generally do some sort of pull back in a relationship because of this. So, let him have his space. Don't worry about being clingy. You wrote that email, leave it at that. He told you he loved you, believe him. He has no reason to lie. Just keep giving him plenty of space. He needs to work on himself apparently, so let him do so with a clean head. Keep doing what you're doing.

 

No, you didn't ruin anything. What is meant to be simply will be. Even if it means going through a lot in order to get it.

[lauri]

I don't think you should think so black and white with this situation. "If he loves me, wouldn't he be with me?" Not necessarily. Think about it. You're the first girlfriend he has had in 10 years. This is very overwhelming and new to him. Men generally do some sort of pull back in a relationship. My boyfriend and I (we've been together for three years), had a situation where he needed space and needed to clear his head as well. I gave him PLENTY of space. I didn't talk to him until he was ready to talk to me. I focused on myself, and made myself independent and happy. I told myself, if he wants it, he'll come get it. Nothing will stop a man from that. I think you should have this mindset too.

 

This is a new situation for him and it can be really tough for him to clear out his emotions. It's been ten years and this is really not something he is used to. The moving in question was probably overwhelming for him too. Not because of you or your kids, but because he has spent the last ten years single and he has been on his own for a long time. Change is quite overwhelming for anyone. So, it's understandable he needs space to clear his head. Falling in love can make him feel vulnerable, so he'll try to pull back in order to not lose himself. Men generally do some sort of pull back in a relationship because of this. So, let him have his space. Don't worry about being clingy. You wrote that email, leave it at that. He told you he loved you, believe him. He has no reason to lie. Just keep giving him plenty of space. He needs to work on himself apparently, so let him do so with a clean head. Keep doing what you're doing.

 

No, you didn't ruin anything. What is meant to be simply will be. Even if it means going through a lot in order to get it.

 

I agree with this.

 

Could you electorate a bit more on how you started to act once he re-considered his position to move in with you?

 

Asking him to move in could have gave him a bit of cold feet. Not knowing how you reacted when he decided to not want to move in initially, it may have pushed him away a little bit. Key is to be patient and understanding when it comes to these thing.

 

Considering he is an introvert, give him his space and time. I'd hope that at the age of 33, when the time is right and you two speak, this man will have the guts to be forthcoming with you, tell you the truth and not lead you on. Hopefully things work out between you two!

[Superkitty]

Thank you so much. Yes I think you are right Jenmarie. I'm glad to hear that things turned around for you and you partner. I am certainly not planning on getting a hold of him anytime soon. I was thinking though of maybe reaching out in a couple of months if he hasn't. I have always been the initiater in our relationship because he never really knew what he was doing... Haha. Would that be ok or do you think I should just not bother?

 

I feel strong and like I want to make all the right moves. For myself and my kids. I know he can't figure anything out if I'm in his face and he can't feel the empty spot of where I used to be.

 

One of the last times we saw him my little girl layer on his chest for 20 min telling him how much she loved him and missed him. His heart melted... It would be so sad if he chose to leave for good.

 

Lauri, when he first told me he didn't want to move in. I shut down and asked him to go home so I could be alone. It was after that, that I convinced myself to end things because I thought he would just leave in the end anyways. I fully aware that I made a big mistake and didn't come from a place of understanding what he was feeling. My fear kicked in and I have done such a good job of keeping a level head up until that moment. When I step out of the raw feeling I had then I see it now.

[Superkitty]

Thanks everyone.

Well I would say that we did a good mix of romantic and family things. We did that pumpkin patch, the aquarium, parks, beach days, family dinners and even two week long family trips. So we definitely did half and half. He always was enjoyed doing the family stuff as much as me I think.

I think you are right on keeping my feelers out for red flags because it certainly could be a mix of many different things. Obviously this isn't all about introversion but since this began I have been doing lots of research about it and I think it is certainly a big factor. Introverts need alone time to recharge and him being used to always being alone for the past ten years I can understand why moving into a home with a 3 and 5 year old would certainly make him worry about coping. So yes big factor, but please don't be offended by my title. It's really not the only reason, immaturity, inexperience, potential emotional unavailability, and potential depression could also play a factor but that title would be to long.. Lol.

[Superkitty]

Also I wanted to put it in the title so people with experience in the subject could reply. So being an introvert yourself.. Thank you for your response.

 

I'm at a loss and my only option is to just leave him alone and pick up the pieces for the girls and i and move on. If he loves and misses me enough he will come back and that is really a crap shoot. I just want to post for some insight on my situation. Or to hear of other people's experiences with similar situations. I don't even have any questions really because there is nothing to ask anymore.

[newlyborn]

i do think that it would be difficult for a man who had been single for 10 years to move fully and comfortably into a family. i don't say this to suggest he shouldn't! it is just that, when adults live for many years on their own and according to their own wants, habits, schedules, they can have a hard time really integrating the needs of others into their daily lives.

[GoBlue]

Thank you for sharing. I really want to address only one of your questions: Did I ruin things by ending it in the summer? My first response is to say that you really didn't end anything. You became insecure because he wouldn't move in with you and became emotional indicated by your "I made a huge mistake please come back" approach two days later. He saved you from yourself, by the way, when he said "no" to moving in. Are you aware that couples who cohabitate before marriage have higher levels of marital dissatisfaction, higher levels of domestic violence, and a much higher rate of divorce? Insecurity in a relationship, whether staying in the "dating zone" or not, is never resolved by moving in with each other. In fact, it often becomes the death of that relationship.

 

The fact is that the two of you got back together shortly after this break-up so nothing was "ended." The question I have for you is this - what do you do with a relationship that's not going where you want it to go? I propose that there are three options: 1.) Work on the issues and move forward if its clear that they are not deal-breakers. This is how loving and committed relationship actually become stronger and grow. 2.) End the relationship. Doesn't mean you can't be friends or that you have to become enemies. It simply means the two of you have made an adult decision that you are not heading the same way and you need to part ways. 3.) Do whatever it takes to keep the relationship no matter what. This often means making extreme decisions and compromising standards, goals, and dreams.

 

Of the three choices, only two are good for long-term health. The unhealthy option sacrifices everything for short-term companionship and comfort. It what's easy. You've already been through a divorce, which always impacts children way more than anyone cares to admit. Do you really want to bring a man into your home who will not make a marriage commitment? Break-ups can be a good thing. Working on issues in a loving and committed relationship is always a good thing. Prolonging a relationship that's not going where you want it to go - not the best option.

[Superkitty]

Erik30 what would make you feel more at ease? Would you suggest backing off for a couple of months or do you think it has reached an end? I am a mother and I basically have a goal to find a husband of course, really... . Would you allow a girl you really loved to walk just because you couldn't face a fear? I know it's hard for you to know the awnser for this but don't you think you would be worse off in the end if you allowed this to happen?

[Superkitty]

Thank you GoBlue. I totally agree with you. I do not want to put my girls through any unnecessary hurt. My diverse occurred when I had a newborn and a 18 month old so luckely they don't remember to much but yes there is always residual hurt.

 

My only deal breaker when it comes to my ex is the fact that he is uncertain. It really all lies with him. I could turn the tables and take control by walking away and that is what I think I should do. If he comes around and is ready then I can re evaluate then.

 

Thank you so much for making the point that he may have saved me from myself. I do know that I need to do the self work to be happy with my situation of being a single mom. I do see that it was to early for us to move in but my house was being sold and I was put in a tight situation. It only seemed right at the time for us to do that. I wasn't even totally ready considering we were taking things nice and slow.

 

If things work out for us in the end I will keep this in mind. I need to be 100% happy to be alone with my girls and i Do not need a man to be living with us. Things need to happen naturally and not be forced. Thank you for that and I think your right. For everyone's sake.

[GoBlue]

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I have been divorced now for five years and have been alone that entire time. My children are 18 and 20 and I was just thinking this morning how much it hurts to have missed all the time that I have missed with them. I think too many of us take our relationships for granted and stop investing the time and energy to make it what it can and what it should be. A relationship with someone who is indecisive and unwilling to commit is a "no win" scenario for the person who is ready to commit. Stand strong and always do what is best for your girls. Be blessed!

[Erik30]

I'm assuming he never dated (or barely) during those ten years, so this probably seems to be going super fast in his mind. It might be bothering him that he missed out on years of "care free" dating and now getting the family immediately. I don't even think he ever thought of himself being a father figure in the near future. I still even feel like a kid sometimes.

 

He needs to get over that, and realize what he might lose if he lets you go. But you have to give him what he asked for, and completely go no contact for a while so he's able to miss you. You can't help him with it. If he really loves you, he'll come back.

 

I often worry about the future, and making big decisions, so he might be thinking the same way. I've had some problems in the past with expressing my feelings, and commitment issues, but now I wouldn't let the girl I love just walk away. I push myself to be more social, and basically would do almost anything for her. It's possible he doesn't get that yet, I've made some stupid mistakes and later on regretted losing the girl because of it.

 

So give him some space, but move on if he's taking too long. I may be introverted, but I do make an effort and try to be better whenever I really like a girl.

[Superkitty]

I am worried about moving on. I tend to turn my heart off when I feel I need to and im worried that I won't be able to turn it back on if he returns. DOES LOVE LINGER EVEN IF YOU GIVE UP? Where is the shift of getting your life in order again and then allowing someone who hurt you so badly in the past back in. Is it a whole new relationship? Do the exes come back crying they want you and you are better then ever, or do you start small and move slow? I've read conflicting facts.

 

If I let go and move on am I letting go of him forever? What are some people experiences with second chances?

[Elle1975]

When I read "he loves me but he can't be with me right now", I read "he wants to break but doesn't have the balls to say it" or "he's unsure and wants to keep me on the back burner till he comes to a decision".

 

Either way, ask yourself, are you a back burner girl?

[Light Breeze]

If I let go and move on am I letting go of him forever? What are some people experiences with second chances?

 

Yes, the concept of letting go is that you're moving forward without the expectation that your ex will return.

 

It sounds cliché but the adage that, if it's really meant to be it will be, is true. However, you should not have any hope of that happening otherwise you will be forever stuck in limbo with no personal growth to show for.

 

You're happiness is your own responsibility and no one else. Live a full life, if he comes back see what happens, if not, then I'm sure someone out there would be attracted to you being happy with your life. In other words love yourself and others will love you whether it's your ex or not, plenty of fish in the sea.

[Superkitty]

Really Elle1975? It's really that cut and dry with you? I don't know I have to disagree with that. Yeah he's confused but I don't think I'm on the back burner. This isn't about him looking for other women. It's about him clearing his head and pulling back. Every situation is different. Maybe he is not the man I thought he is and he's out searching for someone else, that doesn't mean that all other people that have had this said to them are on the back burner. People do need time to think sometimes. Every situation is totally different.

[Superkitty]

When it comes to moving on... I feel there is a difference of moving on and getting over someone. I'm scared to force myself to get over him because then I may never be able to forgive and return.

 

I have no problem moving on though because I'm very busy and have many things in my life that I feel blessed about. I have not had any troubles going out with friends, having fun, going to the gym and making extra money at work with my extra time. I'm even open to dating..

 

But for some reason loosing all hope they are coming back and getting over them seems scary to me.

 

What do you do with that love for them? Do I kill it?!

 

Please give me you input or experiences on this subject do I can better understand this process... Thank you!!

[Nolan 93]

Well it's hard I give you that, but I guess we just move on with time. Like we are no longer with our current ex, since they are absent each day as it passes we heal each day. I mean I miss my ex and think of her everyday, but you know Im no longer sad, cause life goes on. Money to be made, gym time, hanging with friends, and yes even dating.

 

My love for my ex was real, and I will always love her, and respect her. But we will become indifferent, since nc.

 

It sucks we were best of friends with a love life, and now we're strangers. The world works in mysterious ways.

[Light Breeze]

IMO moving on needs acceptance, time, and positive outlook for the future.

 

Acceptance - true acceptance, wherein you genuinely let go of that someone. Being thankful for that person for the memories you shared. Accepting that we cannot control what others do or feel. In order to realize these things you'll need..

 

Time - just the passage of time. As they say time heals all wounds. Don't beat yourself up for the down days. These waves of sadness will come and go until it completely stops. And while waiting for time to do its magic you'll need a...

 

Positive outlook for the future - Here, you have to exercise your mental strength and tell yourself that you're happy with yourself. That you love YOU and what you have (in your case, your children) and somewhere along the way there would be someone who'll share their lives and happiness with you.

 

That's what I'm doing for myself right now, and it's working.

[Superkitty]

He broke up with me. 3 weeks NC starting the night he ended it. I feel the need to send this apology. I would like us to reconcile sometime down the road but only if it's for the right reasons. I didn't want it to come across as needy or that I'm a pushover. I really am sorry about these things and I do feel better that he knows this. He is very introverted and hasnt had a gf in 10 years. I have two little girls so as you can imagine he has a lot on his mind. He said he knows he wants to be with I loves me but needs to clear his head... ,what is you impression of this?

 

 

Hi hope you are well... Lots of stuff is going on over here but I will leave that for another time.. Right now I just want to send you some perspective I've had and a sincere apology for my part in all of this.

Firstly, in the spring after you told me you didn't want to move in with me (understandable because I was scared too) and you left that night.. I became insecure with how you felt about me. I started protecting myself and started to convince myself with silly, insignificant things that I should leave. I thought you were just going to leave me in the end anyways (a legitimate fear of mine). I ended it and then I had sheer terror come over me. I knew it was a huge mistake and I tried so hard to fix it but I had already done the damage and I see now that I just set myself up for exactly what I feared to happen, you leaving.

 

I see that you must have felt like a rag doll being pulled back and forth when this happened in the summer.. I wanted you, I didn't, I did. I can see why you really needed some time to yourself to evaluate things and I didn't give you enough and for that I am so sorry. I panicked and I wasn't thinking of your feelings enough, only my own. I see how you must have felt betrayed and that you couldn't truly trust me and let your walls down again. I get it.

I wish we had of had the chance to continue down the sweet road we were heading down and not have had these curve balls. But I guess that's life too. I understand you are sweet and sensitive and I really hurt you. I wish I could take it back and I'm sorry.

 

After we got back together you were never fully with me and I was even more panicked. I understand why you ended it because it wasn't fair for either one of us. I'm sorry if I made you feel pressured or controlled.

When you kept asking for space in the end, I wasn't sure if you were depressed or not. So I wasn't sure if you genuinely needed me to push myself more on you or not because I wasn't sure of your state of mind. But now I know you were not so much depressed as you were truly wanting me to leave you alone and for that I'm sorry too. I was wanting to show you I was there for you and loved you.

I like to think that with time all this might wash away for you and we could still have something real and special and lasting. Back to something new. Spending time with you alone had never felt so right then it did with you. Whatever we were doing..

I should have given you this time when you first asked for it when you were on Hornby but I can't change the past I can only learn from it.

Time does give perspective and I admire you for having the wisdom to take that into action. I knew this was a good idea deep down but I always seem to follow my heart instead of my head. It's important to have balance. I do know what I want though and I understand that you do not.

~Thank you for taking deep consideration when it comes to the girls and i. ~

I wish I had of fully understood this before so you didn't have to end it with us. But, maybe this is needed to happen for you to fully be pressure free so you can have the time to make the right choices for yourself with everything that's been on your mind. I know you are dealing with alot of other stuff too, like your uncle for a big example.

Maybe you could find some true forgiveness and trust in your heart towards me again.

Until then I will try hard to stick with.. "If you love something, set it free...

 

I don't expect a response to this email whatsoever. I only want to hear from you only under your own terms please.

Take care

[The Poster]

People will tell you not to send it. I'll tell you to follow your heart and say what you want to say. Just know the risks.

 

Best of luck to you.