Author Superkitty Posted January 9, 2015 Author Share Posted January 9, 2015 IMO moving on needs acceptance, time, and positive outlook for the future. Acceptance - true acceptance, wherein you genuinely let go of that someone. Being thankful for that person for the memories you shared. Accepting that we cannot control what others do or feel. In order to realize these things you'll need.. Time - just the passage of time. As they say time heals all wounds. Don't beat yourself up for the down days. These waves of sadness will come and go until it completely stops. And while waiting for time to do its magic you'll need a... Positive outlook for the future - Here, you have to exercise your mental strength and tell yourself that you're happy with yourself. That you love YOU and what you have (in your case, your children) and somewhere along the way there would be someone who'll share their lives and happiness with you. That's what I'm doing for myself right now, and it's working. So basically with time does your love for them fad? Or does it always remain if they return for you to reevaluate? I could try to convince myself that everything he said to me was a total lie and be angry and stomp my feelings out. Or should I still love him but carry on with my life happily? Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 I don't know why the need for a letter. If you want to say something, call him. If he doesn't pick up, that gives you a clue about his state of mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Nolan 93 Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 So basically with time does your love for them fad? Or does it always remain if they return for you to reevaluate? I could try to convince myself that everything he said to me was a total lie and be angry and stomp my feelings out. Or should I still love him but carry on with my life happily? Well either both of you become indifferent, or one or both still have strong feelings for one another. Remember the good memories you had during the relationship, and forgive them. Now if he cheated or abused you then I'd say don't forgive them. But know you are happy with yoursef on moving on and of course you will never forget what you and your ex shared. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Light Breeze Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 @superkitty I could only answer you from viewpoints of other people (social interviews), which I tend to agree. They always say that your residual feelings for SOs who left you will in part be connected to the intensity of your feelings during the relationship. What I'm talking about here is the timespan between despair to indifference. So, to answer your question, yes, "romantic feelings" will fade in time and with no communication, how long, will boil down to the circumstances before breakup. However, they also always say that "fondness" for their ex SOs will always be there, this applies to breakups that didn't include lying, cheating, and abuse. To answer your other question, the people I talked to regarding second chances, the long term successful ones (which were few), moved on from their first relationship without expecting a reconciliation. They meet down the road and "rekindled" their love for one another. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 Really Elle1975? It's really that cut and dry with you? I don't know I have to disagree with that. Yeah he's confused but I don't think I'm on the back burner. This isn't about him looking for other women. It's about him clearing his head and pulling back. Every situation is different. Maybe he is not the man I thought he is and he's out searching for someone else, that doesn't mean that all other people that have had this said to them are on the back burner. People do need time to think sometimes. Every situation is totally different. Yes, that's what I think about it. We all want to think that our situation is different, but it almost always lead to the same ending; a break up. Now I could be wrong, and all is need is time to realize that you're the love of his life. Honestly though, when you love someone deeply, do you really need time to reflect on it? If the situation were reversed, can you see yourself saying "hey I love you much, but I need time?". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Superkitty Posted January 9, 2015 Author Share Posted January 9, 2015 I see. So basically I need to accept the grieving process and consider this done. This makes me really sad but thank you so much for both of you putting so much thought and time into responding. I will be fine at least this time I'm not left with a newborn baby, a small toddler and a huge mortgage. I can do this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Superkitty Posted January 9, 2015 Author Share Posted January 9, 2015 Fair enough Elle1975 but men are also prone to pull back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Superkitty Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 (edited) 4 weeks NC. Started the night he broke it off. Opps, actually I sent one email apologizing for my part in the break down and set him free. He left it with "I know I want to be with you and I love you but I need some time because I'm to stressed and need to think and clear my head". I said ok. We cried we hugged and I walked. He has asked his friend about this other relationship of friends of ours, that broke up for a few months. He's was curious about their process. He never wished me merry Christmas, or happy new year. If he doesn't even wish me happy birthday on Valentines Day I'm taking a deep mental note to walk, no run away. I'm having anger wave over me thinking how could he do this to me?! Would we even be able to get past this even if he did want to return!? Does time really erase all the bad memories? I understand my situation is not 100% ideal. I'm a single mom with a 3 and 5 yr old. My husband left for another woman when I was pregnant. It sounds bad but we are all actually happy now (good therapy, lol) But my ex bf loves my girls. He loves them so much. Maybe he needs to think if he's ready for this under taking... Im his first relationship in 10 yrs. He didn't date. Introverted and to smart for his own good. Is it possible to have a healthy relationship after such heart break?! Edited January 11, 2015 by Superkitty Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 Superkitty, Is your husband who left the person you're referring to here or have you dated someone else since? There was no mention of why the two of you broke up if so. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Superkitty Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 My husband left when I was pregnant. It's long over. This is a relationship I've been in now for 2 1/2 years and he just ended it 4 weeks ago. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 My husband left when I was pregnant. It's long over. This is a relationship I've been in now for 2 1/2 years and he just ended it 4 weeks ago. Thanks for clarifying Why did he end it? I see him saying he is stressed, etc. What's that about? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Superkitty Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 Im honestly guessing when I say this but I think it's because I'm a family package and it might have just hit him because I was starting to talk about moving in together. But it's been two and a half years that we have been dating and im wondering what he expected?! Also he doesn't work a job that he is happy or confident with. He is actually kind of lost. He is far to smart to be doing what he does and I almost think there is some other issues going on like depression. Or maybe he is just talking out his butt and lied about it all and just knows I'm not the one. He's scared. And immature for his age. Thank you for your inquiries. Any thoughts hoping2heal? Link to post Share on other sites
Light Breeze Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 (edited) Is it possible to have a healthy relationship after such heart break?! Relationship with whom, your ex or someone new down the road? If its with your ex, in my opinion it's possibe but you both should have truly move on and hopefully start with a clean slate in the future (don't expect this though, otherwise it'll set you back). I think it's also important to remember that both of you work on yourself and your shortcomings during your recovery. It is important to be completely happy with your life i.e. Job/business/profession, family and friends, and personal interest before you can be together again and share your lives. This would look like two complete persons SHARING their lives with one another as opposed to COMPLETING each other's. If its with someone new, sure you can, work on the above things I mentioned and you're good to go. It would be like a reconciliation scenario without all the drama that goes with it. Edited January 11, 2015 by Light Breeze Link to post Share on other sites
Author Superkitty Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 That's the thing that frustrates me. I am happy with all of those things. We took things so slow I never lost myself what so ever. I never stopped doing the things that made me happy and I feel like nothing has really changed since he left. I did so much personal growth after my divorce 4 years ago that I felt really strong with this relationship afterwards. I don't know.... Now I'm just doing the same things I enjoyed.. Being with my kids, being with friends and family, being in shape, and working. Thank you for responding though. Maybe I should take a course for my work or something. I'm glad you think it could potentially still work out down the road... I guess I need to work on letting go and maybe going on some dates with new people. Link to post Share on other sites
Light Breeze Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 That's good that your complete and happy with your life. Obviously your ex needs an overhaul, hope he changes. The important thing now is keep yourself happy, maybe meet new people. You weathered a storm way more destructive than this. You're a strong woman, and I have no doubt you can do this. I'm pulling for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
st peter Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 He may not message you on valentines day in order not to hurt you. I wouldn't judge it on that. Maybe if you talk to him you can ease all of his fears. He may feel threatened that you have already been married with kids. But I think if he doesn't want to be actively with you even after you talk, you should tell him you love him but move on. It may only be then that he realises he loves you and gets you back and commits. If you are waiting, he has no pressure to either win you back or make a decision to leave you. If you get back together, try to forgive him for having doubts, we are only human, and if you love him try to make the relationship work. Best of luck, I think now is the time for you to be pro-active!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dyna85 Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 This may be considered tough love, but here's my take. My answer to the thread question is, 'no' it would not be healthy to get back together now. You should be thinking about moving on before your B-day/Valentine's day and you will be sorely disappointed if you bank on getting a message then. I know your pain because I had desperately hoped for a message on Xmas & New Year's and got nothing. He's moving on clearly (by not messaging you and in asking friends about the process of moving on) and so it's in your best interest to work on moving on too and take the focus off of making amends with him, since that's out of your control - not your decision, right? Even if he messages you, will it change anything? Will he miraculously change his mind after a month of no contact? I mean, that's a pretty serious decision he made, to leave a 2.5 yr relationship behind so he can 'figure himself out.' I doubt it was made on a whim. Therefore, what are the odds he's going to now go back on that decision, after only a month? Specifically on your b-day/Valentine's day. I mean, obviously, it would be kind of him to think of you. And I get the desire for it. Yet, the sad part is, in the long run, it won't mean much, because bottom line, he still chose to leave you. Is a guy who let you go worth it? Do you not deserve someone who values you enough to want to be with you for the long haul? This guy wants to figure himself out, on his own. So be it. Let him be on his own. He wanted you out of his life, so let him leave. That's his choice. It's your choice to invest your time in pondering a reconsideration that may never come to be (or maybe it will-we don't know-it's out of your control) or focus on building a life without him, which is the present reality. I think you should choose option 2, because you deserve someone who will stick with you through thick and thin. Tell me, when you're stressed and figuring your life out, do you leave your partner? He did. So what does that say about him? His heart is not as invested in this as you think. That's why I say let it go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Superkitty Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 It really is tough because he never really shut the door. He left it open. I know I shouldn't count on it because it's keeping me in limbo. It almost would have been better for him to completely shut it. Your right though, do I want another guy who walks?! Link to post Share on other sites
newlyborn Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 It really is tough because he never really shut the door. He left it open. I know I shouldn't count on it because it's keeping me in limbo. It almost would have been better for him to completely shut it. Your right though, do I want another guy who walks?! he left the door open for HIM to return, not for YOU to continue. breakups are often unilateral in which one person decides the outcome of the relationship, and the other is left to pick up the pieces. you only start regaining yourself when you begin to accept that, yes, this person you loved made the decision to not have you in their life. and then you let yourself really feel and understand what that means. and you grieve the loss. (this is by no means easy. with my last breakup, i spent over $200 on breakup books and online breakup support.) then when/if the person comes back, you get to decide if you want to be bothered with someone who had it in him to leave in the first place. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Superkitty Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 Would you really let fear be the motivator to end a relationship with a person you really loved? Just curious.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Superkitty Posted January 13, 2015 Author Share Posted January 13, 2015 Together for 2.5 yrs, he left saying "I love you and I know I want to be with you but I'm so stressed out right now And I need time to clear my head." (what the hell does that mean anyways?!) I've listened to his needs and it's been 4 wks NC since the night he ended it. I'm starting to think he's was just full of b. S. And he's not ever coming back. No call on Christmas, no call on new years. (why?!) This morning my daughter starting listing off all the people in her family... Mommy daddy (my ex husband) sister and ......Ex boyfriend. I had to leave the room because it's so upsetting I might have to tell my little girls that he is gone. I did everything right. We went slow, he didn't meet my girls till we were established after 9 months. He loved them... How could he just walk away from me and them?! Is he never coming back?! I'm starting to panic. I don't know if I can do this... Link to post Share on other sites
gnick Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 It's only been a month. I bet he comes around pretty soon.give it some time Link to post Share on other sites
dyna85 Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 (edited) Well... and this contradicts my previous answer to your other post, but for the purposes of thinking outside the box, there is this book referred to as Mars and Venus on a Date by John Gray and the author mentions this 'rubber band theory' where when guys become intimate they pull away whereas women do the opposite and become needy, and that after a while the guy springs back, but he just needs time to himself to reach the discovery that he's meant to be with the woman. The author gives an example of this guy who dated this woman and then broke it off because she was getting serious and he felt confused, but after 6 months apart he realized she was the one for him and they ended up marrying. The idealist in me hopes this is the case for you. The realist in me says as much as I'd hope for this theory to play out in your case, I think it's kind of a bad idea to get roped into this idea that guys can wander off as they please and return, for you to welcome them back with open arms, when they left you distressed and wondering. It just sets a bad precedent and what's to prevent this from happening again in the future? My take is that he loves you but doesn't love you ENOUGH, which is why he chose to walk away for 1 month and counting. I think you can hope for the best but prepare for the worst, in which case it's probably better for your sanity to expect nothing and you won't be disappointed. Then again, separation doesn't always lead to divorce and there are couples who go on hiatus and get back together weeks, months, years later, and live happily ever after, so who really knows? It's all so damn confusing. Why can't each relationship come with a manual? Edited January 13, 2015 by dyna85 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lil hoodlum Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 First mistake, agreeing to a break. You are either together or you are not. Second mistake, not specifying a time limit of said break and establishing what is allowable and what isn't. I think it is time to break the break and get some more info on what the break is doing for him and what is his plan to resolve his feelings. It really isn't fair to keep you in limbo like this. If he is sitting on the fence, it might be time to give this fence a good kick to see which side he lands on. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Light Breeze Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 Hi Superkitty, I'm really sorry that you're really panicking right now. When I first thought that I had a chance to go win back my ex and nothing was working, I felt exactly like you, like she was slipping through my fingers. When I accepted that she was gone then I started to calm down. So I guess what I'm saying that this break isn't fair to you (dumpee) because obviously you would be the one hanging on a cliff with one hand, while he enjoys his peace and quiet. I agree with lil hoodlum that it's time to set the conditions for the breakup so at least you can be at peace. I really really hope that this turns out well for you and the kids. Stay strong! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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