sweet_angel Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Been friends for loong time now, we both are married and have kids. He always had a crush on me and now I have fallen. He suggests to keep it unemotional..thats basically friendship with sex without emotional entanglement. I am not sure I can handle this, but I cant handle a full fledged emotional affair too. We both dont want to leave our marriages and its understood. Every instinct is telling me to stop. He is being supportive and pulling out of sex till I agree to this. But i feel deeply rooted. What is the best course to follow. I will never end my friendship with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Hate to tell you this but he's talking out of his A... If you have feelings for each other now, they will be escalated to mind blowing degree when you get physical. NOTE... do some research here before you plunge in and do the thing with him. You will certainly end your friendship with him if you cross this line. Why do you want to betray your family and his wife by sleeping with him? It can have earth shattering consequences for you and everyone involved. YOu could easily lose your husband and your marriage and your children... are there children involved??? Poppy 3 Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Trust your instinct on this one, its telling you if you go down this path it will be big trouble. Think of your H and you family (if you have kids) where will all this lead to for them? You can still walk away from all this, you should, its only going to lead to heartache for you plus the potential of blowing up both families. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
twosadthings Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 I know this is snarky but with so many angels on this forum (still an angel, sweet angel, dark angel87) what does it take to lose your wings? You want to stay married but will do the one thing most likely to end it and end it badly. Get real, Twosadthings P.S. To all the angels here and yet to come, for the past year or so the user names seamed to all include "Princess" so maybe angel is a step up. Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 You are in the fog. Eventually when you get caught, and you will, you will either lose your marriage or your friendship or both . I'm sure you think your affair will be different, but when you get caught if your husband does not divorce you if you think he will agree to you being friends with your boyfriend you need to do so reading. Sounds like you want some ego kibbles that you love affair will be wonderful into eternity but the chances and odds are once discovered he will throw you under the bus to save his ass. But it's obvious you are convinced you will be the exception. Enjoy the fantasy land while it lasts. It won't end like you think 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lessons Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 If you value the friendship, do not introduce sex into it. You can never go back to friends once you cross the line. There is only heartache ahead for you if you enter into an affair with this guy, whether it is purely physical, emotional, or both. I agree with Poppy that you should read the stories on this forum for a while and then decide if you want to be among the walking wounded like so many of us. If you break your marriage vows, you will forever see a different person when you look in the mirror... and the change is not pretty. Trust me - I have been there. There is only pain down this road - not only for you, but possibly for many other people you care about, including your friend. How much are you willing to sacrifice to indulge your fantasies about this guy? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 She already is in a sexual affair with him. OP, read the last sentence you wrote "I will never stop being friends with him" You actually think your will carry on an affair with this person and tell your husband when he finds out that you insist on remaining friends You are in for a rude awakening. If you stick to that one your marriage is dead on arrival Every source of therapy or literature your husband will find when you are done betraying him and get caught will tell him the first demand for reconciliation wl be NO CONTACT with your boyfriend. So you have already declared your marriage over. You are not really looking for advice but approval . You will be back when your world comes crashing down 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Majormisstep Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Trust your instincts and all the advice given in this thread. You won't be able to handle it. Of course he's suggesting to keep it unemotional...way easier for HIM to walk away when he's done having his fun (which he will, guaranteed). Meanwhile, you are left in a heap of despair, now find your H unattractive, your every waking thought is completely consumed by this man and you will wish to the powers that be that you never, ever took that first step into this A. When the BS's find out you will have no choice but to end your friendship. And that may not be the worst of it. They will control your destiny. Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Been friends for loong time now, we both are married and have kids. He always had a crush on me and now I have fallen. He suggests to keep it unemotional..thats basically friendship with sex without emotional entanglement. I am not sure I can handle this, but I cant handle a full fledged emotional affair too. We both dont want to leave our marriages and its understood. Every instinct is telling me to stop. He is being supportive and pulling out of sex till I agree to this. But i feel deeply rooted. What is the best course to follow. I will never end my friendship with him. You are already in an affair and your friendship is ruined. Now, you have to choose: 1) have the affair with him and likely destroy your marriage; or 2) end the affair and the friendship to save your marriage. There is no third option. When the two of you began having conversations about feelings, interest in sex and potential sexual encounters, you stopped being friends. A lot of times on this board, I see folks posting about how they didn't know how the affair happened. Here's your wakeup call. This is how it happens. This is the first step towards wrecking your life. You choose. Regardless, the friendship is over. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 (edited) Been friends for loong time now, we both are married and have kids. He always had a crush on me and now I have fallen. He suggests to keep it unemotional..thats basically friendship with sex without emotional entanglement. I am not sure I can handle this, but I cant handle a full fledged emotional affair too. We both dont want to leave our marriages and its understood. Every instinct is telling me to stop. He is being supportive and pulling out of sex till I agree to this. But i feel deeply rooted. What is the best course to follow. I will never end my friendship with him. To the bold: I lost a bunch of weight some years ago and people kept asking what I did, and when I told them I had to portion control, I counted calories to help with that, I eliminated certain kinds of foods and worked out more many of their eyes glazed over and they stopped listening because it seemed they wanted me to say something easy and magical like: I took this pill and just kept doing everything as usual and the weight vanished as I slept. They didn't want to hear what they really had to do because it was work, it wasn't effortless and they had to make a change. Saying all that to say often those in an affair come asking what to do but basically say: I want to still be friends, I want no one to find out, I want to stay married but I want to have a bf/gf, I want to continue doing everything as usual but just without any negative consequences, tell me how. The truth is, it doesn't work like that. It usually involves making changes and hard decisions and you can't have it all. Also, even without the affair, when most people cross the line with their friend into a romantic or sexual relationship it is difficult to uncross it and go back to just being friends. Hence, some people choose to value the friendship over the romance as once it becomes romantic most people do not stay close friends with ex romantic partners for many reasons, especially not affair ones when both are married. If you are attracted to him and him you and he's proposing an affair (not sure if you've already had sex) how can you continue to be "friends"? I don't think you have to necessarily cut all contact but I think the biggest problem is the small and large denials we go through where we keep toying with fire thinking we can control it and do it "only a little" when that's almost never the case. You're the one in the situation, so how do you genuinely believe the friendship will work? I'm asking, you can think through it yourself and see what options you think you have in maintaining this friendship? Also...not sure if you don't want to divorce simply because you don't want to interrupt the status quo or it's because you're not really totally unhappy in your relationship. But the question is: is this friendship worth more than your marriage? I'm not married but I imagine that when I do marry a man and decide to join my life with his part of it is that we're a unit and I cannot put friendships over our relationship, particularly friendships with sexual undertones, suggested affairs and the rest with another married friend. All we can do is propose some thoughts but I think you have to think about what you want from your marriage. So many people focus on their affair partner and the affair but focus little on the larger issue: do you want your husband, do you love him, do you want to improve your relationship with him if it is lacking, do you want to end your marriage (regardless of this friend) but are scared so want to use it as a safety blanket, or do you want to stay married and cheat on the side and risk being found out? What's worth it? What do you ultimately want? Edited January 8, 2015 by MissBee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Been friends for loong time now, we both are married and have kids. He always had a crush on me and now I have fallen. He suggests to keep it unemotional..thats basically friendship with sex without emotional entanglement. I am not sure I can handle this, but I cant handle a full fledged emotional affair too. We both dont want to leave our marriages and its understood. Every instinct is telling me to stop. He is being supportive and pulling out of sex till I agree to this. But i feel deeply rooted. What is the best course to follow. I will never end my friendship with him. Then your marriage is at risk of falling apart and you will lose your husband and family unit as one. You are selfishly choosing to lust after your MM 'friend', aka your affair partner over your husband and children. You are IGNORING every single red flag and gut instinct to end things and stay away from him, all for what? Ego feed? Addicted to how he makes you feel? Stop think about others here, not just about what you want. How do you think your husband will feel when he finds out (not, if, WHEN!) what you've been doing behind his back. What about your kids, what if by mistake they find out details of what you did. And your MM's wife and their children, the gossip factor in all this too, are you ready to lose everything and OWN your behaviour and choices when this all hits the fan? Sorry that my words are harsh, reality is you're playing with fire and innocent people are going to be devastated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Your friendship vs. your marriage. Pick one, end the other. You cannot continue both at the same time. One of them is going to end ruined. I hope for your sake it's not your marriage, but the way you wrote "I will never end my friendship with him" really makes me wonder if you understand the severity of the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 This sounds like a train wreck waiting for a place to happen. What happens when you wake up and realize you were just a booty call and now things are to close to being discovered and he ends things with you. What happens when his wife finds out and tells your H. Sure you say you wont give him up but at some point family might give you up. You need to wake up. Your in fantasy land. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
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